MetaChat - Romance Update -- let's go!

Anyone else care to update?

Romance: I have some. Yay.

Yesterday I got another ask-out from this guy in my email.

Uh, wow. That's just weird. Have you been in touch with him at all since he flaked, or was it totally out of the blue? Is he still likeable?

posted by mudpuppie 29 January | 18:08

We're getting married!

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 29 January | 18:10

ThePinkEfron doesn't have nearly the same ring to it.

posted by mudpuppie 29 January | 18:11

TPS I just snorted my coffe thank you so much.

posted by Claudia_SF 29 January | 18:18

There is nothing worse than being the more "avid" one, in this dance of going-out-or-not-going-out.

Is it a tenable strategy to just email him and say "dude, wtf, are you into going out or not?" I realize that it could make the guy fear for his bunny, but the present M. O. does not seem to be working.

posted by danf 29 January | 18:28

TPS, don't DO that to me!

posted by essexjan 29 January | 18:30

WTH? I am not amused.

You have every right not to be amused.

I wouldn't be very amused, either.

posted by jason's_planet 29 January | 18:33

what danf said.

I am afraid I am the suspicious sort. When faced with this species of will-they or won't-they flake situation I will(in the absence of further detail) generally suspect the flake of being one of those unmitigated asshats who either 'dates around' a lot and/or has poor self-esteem, by which I would infer he/she is using one as a 'fallback' option.

Definitely Not Cool. At this point I'd be way past polite and firmly on the side of "what the merry jumping FUCK, dude?"

posted by lonefrontranger 29 January | 18:36

Teeps, you so crazy. You're like the Superhero that cried wolf. And on the day that your wedding to Mr. High School Musical happens, none of us will be your bridesmaids because we'll all be like, "OMG that joke is tired." And they you will have to daub away Zak's streaking makeup as he weeps.

Romance update: don't ask. And not in a fun "don't ask, don't tell" kind of way. Just in a sad, "nothing to tell" kind of way. :(

posted by SassHat 29 January | 18:39

I'm utterly smitten with a goth engineering geek. He does leatherwork. He's absolutely adorable, and (I suspect) thinks I am too young for him.
He made me an antenna for my wifi router and computer.
I swear to god, I become ditzy nervous 13 year old girl when I'm near him.

A big chunk of me thinks there's no way he'd be into me since, well, he's hot and I'm fat. But another part of me thinks he might be, and seems to be as lost when it comes to relationship stuff as I am.

posted by kellydamnit 29 January | 18:39

A big chunk of me thinks there's no way he'd be into me since, well, he's hot and I'm fat.

*waves admonishing finger*

STOP THAT. Just, you know, hang out with him. If he enjoys your company, dig it.

I kept the mister at arm's length for six months because... well, he's hot and I'm old. Screw all that noise, sister. If he likes you, then he likes you. Maybe he even likes you in that way And if he doesn't, well, then you've got a cool geek friend who knows how to make cantennas and shit, which is amazing in its own way.

Point is, you'll never know unless you give him a chance, will you?

posted by lonefrontranger 29 January | 18:45

I swear to god, I become ditzy nervous 13 year old girl when I'm near him.

There are 3 or 4 women in my town that I, when in their presence, turn into a behavioral (if not visual) clone of George Costanza.

And this happens even though I am not "on the hunt," as it were. It can be embarrassing.

posted by danf 29 January | 18:49

You're not asexual if Ceiling Cat is watching, right?

Kelly, I only met you the once and I thought you were cute, so go for it!

posted by pieisexactlythree 29 January | 18:49

TPS, I hope you will be very happy together. And I must say, now I understand the crushes on him a bit more.

posted by angelique.eek 29 January | 18:57

Ok, so here's my update: After several months of trying to work up the nerve to ask this woman out, I finally made a connection with her recently, and we emailed a bit. I first met her riding the bus and I meant to ask her out in October, but our schedules must have changed because it was some time before I saw her again. So, eventually our paths crossed again, and I had a chance to talk to her some more. As I said, we emailed a bit, and went out for drinks Wednesday. Then I got this in the mail yesterday:

Hi [pieisexactlythree],

I had a lovely time last week as well.

So, um, this is a bit awkward, but to be up front with things, I’m already seeing somebody else. I didn’t intend to be misleading last week, I was just truly interested in getting to know you. I really enjoyed talking with you and hope we can meet up again sometime soon (drinks are totally on me this time!). I have obligations every night through Wednesday, but perhaps later in the week or early next week?

Well, that's five months of hope and emotional investment squandered. It takes me a lot to find a woman I want to date, let alone actually make contact. I believe it's possible she really didn't get that it was meant to be a date, but then again, there might not even really be a boyfriend. Maybe she didn't realize how fat I was until we had some quality time together, not packed into a bus. Or some other goddamn thing. Who knows.

posted by pieisexactlythree 29 January | 18:59

Still shacked up and having fun (on those rare occasions when we actually see each other).

My condolences to those experiencing difficulties and/or frustrations. Dating sucks.

posted by bmarkey 29 January | 19:09

That sucks, pie. Sorry to hear it. And yeah, sure, there's quite possibly an explanation that points to her not being an ass, but that doesn't make it suck any less.

posted by mudpuppie 29 January | 19:09

I've gave up romance for lent.... of 1997.

posted by eekacat 29 January | 19:17

mr. g and I have our 6 year anniversary in a couple of weeks. He's still awesome.

posted by gaspode 29 January | 19:21

VERY funny TPS and LFR!

Claudia_SF, if you are compelled to go out with this flake dude, just don't respond, and see what happens. I'm not into games, don't advocate them, but he seems to be, so play. If it doesn't work, seriously, nothing lost.

posted by rainbaby 29 January | 19:25

I put up an ad on chemistry.com but then had a bunch of soap-opera worthy drama in my life and have ignored the responses. Also, the people responding aren't really my type. I think I'll just take the thing down. I probably don't have the time and energy for dating anyway, but sometimes I do wish I had someone.

posted by small_ruminant 29 January | 19:29

And kellyd, I want to see the corset pics, you sexah thing! Rah rah!

For the first time in the super bowl party history, I think we'll have more couples than singles, including the newly engaged mike9322, another newly engaged couplple, and one dude with his only second serious girlfrind since the divorce. The worm turns.

posted by rainbaby 29 January | 19:29

Still married here. Coming up on five years with Darthduckie and things just get better each year. I was never very good at the dating thing, the whole process just baffled me.

posted by octothorpe 29 January | 19:30

I never dated either. Strange and foreign. I just knew if something was going to happen or not. RainbabySpideySense deployed, always to good use.

posted by rainbaby 29 January | 19:33

Maybe she didn't realize how fat I was until we had some quality time together

Hellloooooo -- none of that! (More finger wagging.) I just perused your Flickr and saw only lovely people.

On the one hand, I think it's cool that she made it clear what is going on with her. On the other hand --what's up with making another date? Yes, I know, people can be "just friends," but it sounds weird to me. But maybe I'm just traditional with respect to such matters.

posted by Claudia_SF 29 January | 19:34

As I understand it, if you're a woman, and you're not single and you suspect that somebody wants to ask you out as more than friends, you drop the following sentence into the conversation: blablablalbaboyfriendblablabla.

posted by pieisexactlythree 29 January | 19:39

I gave up on dating and just figured, nobody gets EVERYTHING in life. I was lonely and sad but pressed on regardless, just working and hanging out with my family. Then I started to have lustful feelings for this guy I'd known for awhile. Then pornographic dreams, along with an appreciation for his sense of humor, kindness and overall humanity. Long story short: I got married two years ago at age 44 and very shortly thereafter, had a baby. It does happen.

Claudia, let it go with the email guy. It sounds like he enjoys stringing you along.

posted by Kangaroo 29 January | 19:43

pie - yes, the sentence does get dropped, but it doesn't mean a no. It just means the facts.

posted by rainbaby 29 January | 19:46

When I was on the hunt, I had a string of astounding disasters. There was one woman who I asked out and she said yes, then she called me to cancel because she forgot that she had a boyfriend. Uh-huh.

Then I had a string of dates where the women were about to (and did) move cross-country or around the world. Eventually there was Mrs. Plinth.

7 years this summer.

posted by plinth 29 January | 19:51

6 months and going strong. We leave on our 2-week trip to Argentina and Uruguay next week Friday. (Mecha Seattle bunnies who attend the meetup on Saturday 2/2 will meet him.)

posted by matildaben 29 January | 19:55

Man, I am so glad I'm married. To paraphrase the great sage Abe Vigoda: I was single once. I wasn't good at it.

posted by jonmc 29 January | 20:03

Just over three years for the BF and me. Things are a lot harder than they were in the beginning, but I still love him just as much as I did then.

posted by youngergirl44 29 January | 20:06

Dating sucked when I really wanted something to work out. It didn't suck when I decided I didn't necessarily have to invest emotions within the first hour, then it was much easier to move on when it wasn't right. Definitely had my share of psychos until about age 35 or so. Almost 8 years now with mrs chewie. It was worth the wait, and continues to be awesome, fun & the best ever. Hang in there, all ye who seek.

posted by chewatadistance 29 January | 20:44

I should add that I wasn't any better at being married when I was in my twenties than I was at being single. My first marriage only lasted a few years. For some reason, it took me until I was in my late thirties before I managed to figure how to act in a relationship.

posted by octothorpe 29 January | 20:46

For some reason, it took me until I was in my late thirties before I managed to figure how to act in a relationship.

octothorpe, you should not feel alone in this.

posted by lonefrontranger 29 January | 21:05

Maybe she didn't realize how fat I was until we had some quality time together, not packed into a bus.

what? Did you pack on 100 lbs since you came to Buffalo? I don't remember you being fat at all!

And kellyd, I want to see the corset pics, you sexah thing! Rah rah!

I made a post for them.

And thanks everyone, especially pi, who has actually seen me in person. I may have the nerve to say something this weekend. (I may not, but I will try!)

posted by kellydamnit 29 January | 22:46

Claudia, let it go with the email guy

Yeah, I'm probably not even going to email back.

But I *will* have at least one date by March -- shakes fist.

(I'd start in February but I'm too busy in February.)

posted by Claudia_SF 29 January | 23:01

Claudia, I was just thinking today that the photo of you in your MeFi profile looks very pretty. I was adding "met" people from the SFO meetup and wondering, again, whether every man I find smokin' hot is going to be 29 from this point on as I get older.

I had some nice time off after my last super long relationship where I realized I liked myself better as my own me instead of someone else's girlfriend. I also realized I'd have to consider moving if I was planning to try casually dating; there just aren't any people around here, men my age or men not my age. I'm still feeling pretty ambivalent about dating, except when people ask me about it ("So have you been dating?") when I just get annoyed at the whole routine ("Well I'm not NOT dating."). I'd like a great part-time or long distance relationship but it seems like an odd thing to try to go out and find.

posted by jessamyn 30 January | 01:41

I'd like a great part-time or long distance relationship but it seems like an odd thing to try to go out and find.

Vigorous nodding. When I did match dot com about a year ago (which I didn't like), I wrote in my profile (among other items) that I was looking for a non-marriage-y, non-intertwined relationship, hang out 1-2 times per week kind of thing.

It seems as though most people are either looking for completely casual sex or a Big Relationship. I just need to find that person in the minority who's more like me. (Oh, and I have to like them, too.)

posted by Claudia_SF 30 January | 02:20

whether every man I find smokin' hot is going to be 29 from this point on as I get older

And -- yes, I've stopped really thinking about or asking how old people are ... I'm almost always older than the people I date. Unless I find a cheery divorced person, most people my own age are otherwise committed.

posted by Claudia_SF 30 January | 02:24

whether every man I find smokin' hot is going to be 29 from this point on as I get older.

For me it's about 37. No idea why. The last two people I dated were that age, or turned that age while we were together, and the last three major crushes have been that age.
Then I sat and thought about it... every major crush, pretty much excluding the dude I married, was a guy between, say, 34 and 39.

So I guess it's not that I like older guys. I just happen to like 37 year olds. And I suppose if I'm still single at 50 I'll be out trying to pick up 37 year olds then.

posted by kellydamnit 30 January | 05:15

Haven't had a date since last spring. There is someone I like a lot, but it seems like a long shot (can't get into details). There's also someone whom I am afraid likes me, and though I like him very much as a friend I'm not at all attracted to him.

That's the way of it, huh?

posted by Orange Swan 30 January | 08:38

Relationships are hard. As to what jess and Claudia said, I was just reading an article about how hard it is, as a female, to retain your sense of self while still being in a relationship. It really isn't so easy, and sometimes I'm very befuddled as to why. I do know things work best for me when there's plenty of individual space, when the SO is involved in hobbies and projects and scenes of his own, so that when we are together it's intentional and we both have some interesting experiences from afield to talk about.

But what is it with that? Why does it feel so different to be single than to be coupled - and not just that you do different activities, but that it feels different in the brain, even?

And Kangaroo, awesome story, congrats on the baby. I love hearing those tales, since the media loves to serve up the other kind.

posted by Miko 30 January | 10:06

Starting just about a year ago, I had a crazed, inappropriate, smoking hot 3 month fling. When that ended, as I knew it would (and that was okay; not every relationship is meant to last) I really thought that was it and I thanked the goddess for giving me one last super wild over the top experience and then I settled down to be single and celibate for the rest of my life. Which was no surprise because as most of y'all know, I'd basically (okay, a couple short things) been single and celibate for the five years before that. And at last, I found that was actually fine with me. Really fine; not in that desperate, hollow, oh well, I guess I'll just be single then oh look he's so cute OMG but it's hopeless augh nobody likes me I think I'll hide for a week wait look maybe that cute guy will like me way (and I know that way WELL, having been that way for, uh, about the past ten years) but in an actual, I don't give a shit, I'm going to buy myself a house and paint a lot and focus on my job and writing.

Then old boyfriend from the storied, distant past called me up out of the blue. Then he came up to visit me. Now it's been three months of a fantastic long distance relationship and we're talking about him moving up here and other important things. And I can't quite believe it and I'm trying to adjust my dark, cynical self to being happy and in the meantime, I'm still planning to buy myself a house and I'm painting a lot and focusing on my job and writing and all of that is OKAY. So. I'm 44. Miracles, apparently, do happen.

posted by mygothlaundry 30 January | 10:23

But what is it with that? Why does it feel so different to be single than to be coupled - and not just that you do different activities, but that it feels different in the brain, even?

Could you expand, Miko? Maybe that's a new discussion. I'm not sure I understand, but I'm curious.

posted by rainbaby 30 January | 10:45

The partner and I just celebrated 18 years together, a couple of weeks ago. And things are still awesome (despite the best efforts of churches and governments to make our family go away).

Living well is the best revenge. :)

posted by BoringPostcards 30 January | 10:49

i always got this comment that even when i was with someone, i acted single, and i don't know what that's suppose to mean beside the fact that i didn't become a two headed monster that said "we" all the time or was joined at the hip to someone else, still did things i always did--

There seems to be an awful lot of loud noisy children living close to me recently. i think it's time for some disturbingly loud sex to scare the bejesus into them.

posted by ethylene 30 January | 10:53

Interesting. I have had people say to me that they think it's cool that mr. g and I really seem like we have our own lives, as well as our life together. I didn't really know what that meant either, because I think everyone I know is like that.

But I don't think that's what you mean, right Miko? I don't really feel any different between single and coupled, except for having to tamp down my self-obsession and inconsideration for other people while in a relationship (which is a good thing!)

posted by gaspode 30 January | 10:58

Been married for a bunch of years. Been with my partner since '77, but with a 2.5 year hiatus in the early 80's, during which I had a string of short-term ones.

Life is good. We will be empty nesters next year, so that will be a change.

The hardest thing is having 5 neurotic animals that have wildly disparate needs. They all have needs, just none of those needs match.

posted by danf 30 January | 11:10

The mister and I have been together for eight years, married for seven. It's wonderful.

posted by deborah 30 January | 14:38

Boyfriend of almost 5 years has been asking interesting questions of late, such as: "what would be your perfect proposal? what sort of engagement ring would you like best? hypothetically of course..." so something may be afoot. I was vehemently anti-marriage until I met him, but our future is together and a big party would be great fun and we should start thinking about babies soon as I am old and it would make our mums happy ..., so there it is.

I am also hopelessly, totally, stupidly in love, still, after 5 years, so there's that too.

posted by goo 30 January | 15:00

pie - yes, the sentence does get dropped, but it doesn't mean a no. It just means the facts.

ORLY? To me it seems to indicate that unless she plans to break up with that other person very soon, she must be a somewhat unethical person. I wouldn't want to date the sort of person who would think it's ok to behave like that.

posted by pieisexactlythree 30 January | 18:23

Do you have any idea how much it sucks to think you might have made a friend and then find out they just wanted to "take a shot"?
There are just so many levels of disappointment and assorted other emotions involved but let me just say: after even some sweet little octogenarian neighbor lady tries to tongue you, you can get back to me.

posted by ethylene 30 January | 18:31

MuddDude and I are planning the wedding. Meh, it's really not for me.

I know what Miko means by being "in a couple" vs. being single, and I also know why some women don't feel that way. When MuddDude and I moved in together, I started thinking like, "Oh, I'll just straighten up the living room before he gets home, so he won't have to deal with it". Not just doing things for him, or because he'd appreciate it, but doing things that he wouldn't even notice I did, to make his life easier. Thinking almost obsessively about stuff like that is something I learned from my mom, and I don't think most men ever really learn that.

posted by muddgirl 30 January | 18:37

Do you have any idea how much it sucks to think you might have made a friend and then find out they just wanted to "take a shot"?

Under the circumstances, it's difficult to see how she might have thought that, particularly when the first get-together was for drinks at a rather quiet, romantic wine bar. Complete strangers do not do such things in order to "make a friend."

posted by pieisexactlythree 30 January | 19:39

I know what Miko means by being "in a couple" vs. being single

That's definitely part of it. I was asked to clarify, and I'm uncharacteristically at a loss to figure out what's going on with me when I say that.

But muddgirl, you definitely nailed at least part of it. Despite a feminist upbringing, my family had enough mild dysfunction in it to provide me with an excess of caretaking behavior. Or if not behavior - since I have curtailed that drastically - at least thought. I can't stop my brain from centering on and reacting to another person when I'm with them. It's like I can only really be my totally true self when alone, or at least acting solo, since there is nothing that triggers my need to react/pose/smooth/caretake/fix/display/peacemake. I don't like it, but there it is. And it's not pronounced, but I do sense it.

And that's entirely apart from just the ease of being the kind of self-focused gaspode mentions. There's a certain indulgence in being self-focused and never called to account and never required to change your plans or behavior for someone else, but of course relationships have to modify that and it's a good thing they do - that's not what I'm reacting to, so much.

posted by Miko 31 January | 11:02

Oh, now that's an interesting point, Muddgirl. I do the same thing, but unlike Miko, I don't really see it as caretaker behavior, merely doing something nice for someone you love. And for me, the essence of being in a loving relationship is stuff like that, that you do, without any expectation of the other person even noticing, to make their life easier. But maybe I married a particularly observant man, because he often does notice those sorts things that I do for him. And I gotta say that he does stuff like that for me too. Sometimes I'll mention in passing some insignificant thing that I don't like, because I'm a weirdo not because he's doing anything *wrong* and a couple of weeks later I'll notice that he's changed his behaviour. Just to mollify me.

posted by gaspode 31 January | 11:14

Complete strangers do not do such things in order to "make a friend."

I'm with you p=3! I think there are social signals to send and to receive, and disregarding them is not nice.

I'm tough on this -- I think, Don't do date stuff with non-date people! And don't we all have enough friends dammit?

But there are people who are on another plane on this. I went out on a series of (whatIthoughtwere) dates with a single person about a year ago -- dinner, movie, walks, etc. His position ultimately emerged that it was a just friends thing. (Now he has a girlfriend, and it's all happy.) Or there was a person over on AskMe who was seemingly seriously bummed that going to the beach with a single gal and no one else would send a romantic message.

posted by Claudia_SF 31 January | 11:25

Despite a feminist upbringing, my family had enough mild dysfunction in it to provide me with an excess of caretaking behavior.

Nodding, that sounds familiar. After some years of sorta following that without even realizing it, now I'm really cranky about caretaking other adults. Which is why I think my Ideal Relationship would be one in which we never live together.

posted by Claudia_SF 31 January | 11:29

I hear ya 'pode, and I do often do nice things for people I love and get lots of enjoyment out of that. The part I don't like is more subtle than that and is what I mean by 'caretaking' - not simply doing nice things, but sort of managing and monitoring emotions to the exclusion of my own.

posted by Miko 31 January | 11:57

...to the exclusion of my own.

Gotcha, and that's the part I didn't pick up on before.

posted by gaspode 31 January | 12:03

29 January 2008