MetaChat - Dating hell, part 349, aka I Give Up

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17 January 2008

Dating hell, part 349, aka I Give Up At what point should someone disclose that they are/were married?→[More:]Because if you meet someone through a dating site, shouldn't they say so up front?

The half-story: Got message from dude on dating site. We messaged quite a bit over the holidays, finally I said enough, let's meet up when I'm back in town. You know, see if it works in person. Had a terribly awkward (yet not terrible) first date last week (I blamed this on how I hate dates). So he calls again this week, we chat, he asks me out, things seem normal. I say, sure, why not?

He gives me his email addy, I ask if we should be Facebook friends but I understand some people don't like to do that right away. He says, no, no worries. We add each other. Looking at his profile pictures, I see a comment from a woman who shares his name and made a decidedly un-sisterly (or cousinly, etc) remark, which made me curious. His FB links to his blog, and sure enough..turns out, dude was (or is) married. As recently as summer 2007. This is not reflected on his FB or his dating profile status. And wifey still uses his name, as per her FB.

Do I bother going on said date tomorrow? Thoughts? I am not the person to sit on a piece of information like this, without blurting it out Tourettes-style at some point. Should I give him a chance to bring it up?

post by: SassHat at: 21:31 | 19 comments

Oh, I would definitely bring it up right away. That's a story I would want to hear.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 17 January | 21:33

I would also like to add that I am not judgmental about people who want to be in open relationships. It's just that this has happened to me before with guys who have asked me out (online and off) several times. I don't think it's unreasonable to want an option as to whether I'm a part of their whole 'I want the safety of monogamy and the freedom to fuck everyone' game. Because if they don't tell me, ew. And if they don't tell their spouse either, double ew.

posted by SassHat 17 January | 21:35

Oh yeah, bring it up. This sounds very weird. In fact, I'd call and ask about it before the date. It's not like you were snooping where you shouldn't have been -- it's all there via Facebook. "Dude, your Facebook page led to your blog, and it looks like you're married? What's up with that?"

posted by JanetLand 17 January | 21:37

Come to IRC rightnow if you wish to discuss it live, peeps.

posted by SassHat 17 January | 21:40

My rules:

Currently married: Should not be on dating sites without full disclosure of desire for open relationship.

Currently separated/seeking divorce: Requires complete and immediate disclosure (which he has already neglected to do). Proceed with caution, as parties may change mind.

Recently divorced: Understandable to wait until the second date or ~10th email to disclose, so as not to sound obsessed by recently divorced spouse.

So yeah, mention that you noticed, ask what's up. You don't have to be confrontational about it -- it could be totally okay. But ask soon.

posted by mudpuppie 17 January | 21:42

Mudpup, it sounds like you have a handle on this! The date is tomorrow...and asking will just make what started out awkward too much so. I am very tempted to just bail on date and from that point forward set it to "ignore." Maybe that's passive-aggressive? I fucking hate dating.

posted by SassHat 17 January | 21:48

Ugh. Yeah, I'd ask, probably first thing.

posted by Melinika 17 January | 21:54

You know, if you're not that into him, why put the both of you in an awkward situation? If you can bail on it and be fine with never knowing, do. Just say you've had second thoughts or you just don't think it's going to work out ("but it was very nice meeting you and good luck!").

Don't feel obligated to go out with him again.

But if you think that maybe the awkwardness was just first date jitters -- which is entirely possible, and even sounds probable from afar -- give it one more shot.

If nothing else, maybe you give yourself an excellent opportunity to throw a drink in some guy's face. I've always wanted a good reason to do that. You could be missing the chance of a lifetime here.

posted by mudpuppie 17 January | 21:57

Drink in the face! Drink in the face! Drink in the face!

I wait anxiously for the YouTube video.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 17 January | 22:01

I've thrown a drink in a guy's face before. Not quite as satisfying as you'd think.

Call and ask. That is reasonable.

posted by bunnyfire 17 January | 22:34

Please! Being able to say you've done it alone would be worth it! (and you know that's true, konolia, because you've mentioned it several times)

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 17 January | 22:47

I've thrown a drink in a guy's face and it was awesome.

Just sayin'

(oh,and I am of the opinion that not mentioning being in an open relationship on your very profile is grounds for drink-in-face. I'd say more people would be put off by that than the number who would be OK with it. It's a major dealbreaker for a lot of people, you don't just spring that on them. Being separated/mid-divorce maybe not so much.)

posted by kellydamnit 18 January | 00:04

That does it!

Set me up with this dude, sasshat. I'm totally jonesing for some drink-throwing.

posted by mudpuppie 18 January | 00:12

I've walked up my cheating bf and poured an entire can of soda over his head , slowly, and that soon became legend in that café. SO WORTH IT!

posted by dabitch 18 January | 04:11

mudpuppie has good advice. It's possible that they're divorced, and his wife kept his name, or maybe his name was her name, too, although unlikely.

If you sort of like this guy, call him. If you don't particularly, then I say bail.

posted by muddgirl 18 January | 07:55

. . . or maybe his name was her name, too . . .

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ?

posted by D.C. 18 January | 08:00

... DA DA DA DA DA DA DA ...

posted by initapplette 18 January | 10:59

HE'LL PROBABLY TURN OUT TO BE A BIPOLAR CRACK ADDICT WITH ANTI-SOCIAL PERSONALITY DISORDER.

posted by quonsar 18 January | 13:27

When you throw the drink in his face? Don't let go of the glass. Just sayin'.

posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson 18 January | 14:00

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