Um, that should read "can you give me some really bad driving tips?". Could somebody fix that, please?

Turn hard, to get it over with faster.

If you start to skid, throw your hands off the wheel, mash the gas, close your eyes, and scream. Ignore any crunching noises.

ABS is powered by demons. Don't use it.

Dude, I've totally seen you beat WRC drivers on the Xbox. So don't be a pussy out there on the streets, ya knob.

Keep your attention focused on car control. This means you should not waste time and attention on signaling or checking your blind spot before changing lanes (fast, to get it over with sooner)

dude just do like everyone here in colorado and assume that since you have a 4x4, it means YOU CAN GO AS FAST AS YOU DAMN WELL WANT!!!

er, don't have a 4x4? right, then drive really, really timid, like 5mph so you cant get up the next hill

your mileage may vary.

Heavy brake use on hills is encouraged. So is tailgating.

Make sure you're chatting on the cellphone. Cruise the dial for better music. Have a cup of coffee.

Regardless of road conditions, it's okay to make a right turn from the left lane in front of another car (saw this in today's blizzard).

Oh, and clearing all the windows - that's for wusses. You only need a tiny clear patch somewhere in front.

Remember: SERPENTINE!

≡ Click to see image ≡

SERPENTINE!!

≡ Click to see image ≡
SERPENTINE! SERPENTINE!

First of all, don't be intimidated by the snow, it can sense your fear and will target you.

Secondly, never pause; keep your eyes straight ahead and move briskly forward at all times. If approached by a stop sign or red traffic signal, DO NOT STOP. This is how they trap you.

Plan ahead. Stock your trunk with mixed nuts and a variety of alcohol. In a worst case scenario, this will not only sustain you, but will serve as emergency currency. Your money is worthless in a snowstorm, but a good single malt scotch and some cashews can purchase the essentials that might mean the difference between life and death - things like cigarettes and Oreos.

Make sure your cell phone is charged. If you've chosen wisely, this one tool will allow you to monitor the time and temperature, communicate with your loved ones, listen to Celine Dion, plus take photos of the snow or your penis, post them to your flickr account, and then get valuable advice and opinions about the situation or your penis from askme, encouragement or sympathy from metachat, and dates from craigslist.

Good luck!

Y'know, I read that as "snow on your penis". A couple of times, actually.

I'm just not sure what to make of that.

Also, thanks to whoever fixed the main post.

"snow on your penis"

Oh, I know! It's like one of those cold hands/warm heart things, right?

There's no response I can make that won't get me into one sort of trouble or another, is there?

bmarkey, you're welcome and no there is not.

"a good single malt scotch and some cashews can purchase the essentials that might mean the difference between life and death"

They ARE the difference between life and death!

I'd prolly change that to a good Kentucky bourbon, but otherwise, yeah.

You're too busy to clean your windshield. As long as there's a sense of shapes in front of you - you're good to go.

Since the lines on the road aren't visible, just drive wherever you want, 1900's style. Hey you pay taxes right? So use the whole road!

Go that way, very fast. If something gets in your way, turn.