MetaChat - I decided to break off the engagement.

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12 January 2008

I decided to break off the engagement. →[More:]I haven't told him yet. I'm slightly terrified. He tends to be emotionally manipulative, and I tend to let myself be manipulated. Words of strength and kind thoughts would be appreciated.

post by: desjardins at: 13:37 | 34 comments

If it's coming, better now than later. Do the right thing. Be strong. (((hugs)))

posted by Doohickie 12 January | 13:42

Oh no! I'm so sorry.

I'm not sure what to say other than *hugs*.

Lots and lots of hugs.

posted by occhiblu 12 January | 13:43

Whoo. Hugs. Do you live with him?

posted by rainbaby 12 January | 13:44

Also: Deep breaths, honest words, and keep breathing through whatever emotions come up. It's harder to be manipulated if you don't let yourself get overwhelmed by, or tangled up in, the emotions. It seems like you've been thinking about this for a long time, you've sat with it, you know the truth for yourself about what's right for you. Stay with that, as much as you can (I know it's not easy).

Most of all, keep breathing. It's amazing what breathing can do.

posted by occhiblu 12 January | 13:47

The words "terrified" and "engaged" do not belong in the same sentence. Trust your gut.

posted by essexjan 12 January | 13:53

yeah, we live together, in a state where I don't know anyone else, so it's going to be slightly complicated from a practical standpoint. Fortunately we don't have kids, joint finances, or shared pets (the cats are mine and the dogs are his).

posted by desjardins 12 January | 13:57

(((HUGS)))

posted by drezdn 12 January | 14:00

Well (more hugs) you might want to think through living arrangements before you break the news, unless you want to stay together, but just not be engaged anymore?

posted by rainbaby 12 January | 14:00

What EJ said. Good luck, I hope it goes as well as it possibly can.

posted by TheDonF 12 January | 14:01

Did you make any preparations from when you first brought this up, like what to do with the furniture, etc?
i was hoping that you took the time in staying to make some arrangements so it wouldn't be quite so hard and jarring.
Most importantly, do you have a place to stay? It might be best to start the process in a safe place and arrange to meet him somewhere neutral, maybe public. Everything else can be dealt with later. Take care of yourself first. Maybe you should take a trip to a friend's or the 'rents and start from there.

posted by ethylene 12 January | 14:14

Aww, desjardins. Love yourself first and most. And your guts will never steer you wrong. Good for you on the decision, and best wishes for the best outcome.

posted by chewatadistance 12 January | 14:22

As someone who married someone they should not have married, and then had to leave, I agree that it is better to rip the bandaid off sooner rather than later.

Telling my ex was the scariest thing I ever did. (Not because he was scary, just that the telling was so scary and hard and awful.) Maybe try to think of a couple sentences you can repeat, and then maybe take off as soon as you can to be by yourself. For me, even though it was scary and awful, I don't regret what I did, other than I regret that I did not do it sooner. A person can't live in this world without hurting other people sometimes. It's part of the human condition. Follow your gut over platitudes or what other people might say or not say.

I agree with figuring out your logistics completely before telling your future ex, even if it takes a couple of weeks. Once you tell him, you may not have much time left living at the apartment/house. I remember I found a friend with a guest room and set that up first.

posted by Claudia_SF 12 January | 14:46

Fortunately we don't have kids, joint finances, or shared pets

If he tries to manipulate you into staying keep that in mind. However hard this will be now, it would be a thousand times worse if any of those items were no longer true.

And yes, I agree with trying to set things up for your self first. I didn't when I left my husband and ended up in my car for a bit- not recommended. Even if it's just finding a lousy weekly rate motel where you can hole up while you apartment hunt, or arranging to take time from work and leaving to go be with family.

*hug*
this may be one of the hardest things you ever do, but you'll get through it and come out a wiser and stronger person on the other side.

posted by kellydamnit 12 January | 15:03

(((desjardins))) you can do it! stay strong!

posted by casarkos 12 January | 15:13

Aw, I'm sorry, desjardins- best of luck with it, and as the others are saying, please make sure you have a plan before you do anything. My mom didn't do this when she and my dad split up, and it made a hard time even harder on her.

posted by BoringPostcards 12 January | 15:16

Thanks all. I'm not the impulsive type, I've given this a LOT of thought (probably too much). I have enough resources to take care of myself (and my cats), should he ask me to leave immediately. Worst case scenario, I'm about an hour's drive away from dad, and 2 hours away from mom.

I'm really at a loss for how to tell him. This isn't going to come as a huge shock to him, but I know he's going to be really hurt.

posted by desjardins 12 January | 15:46

Best to you. I don't have anything to add except ((((desjardin)))) and to say please do take care of yourself. I'm glad you are doing the right thing.

posted by Sil 12 January | 15:53

Take care, desjardins. You can do it.

posted by box 12 January | 16:05

Sorry to hear that. Best of luck to you and stay strong.

hugs.

posted by caddis 12 January | 16:17

So sorry. Good luck, and be strong.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 12 January | 16:21

You can do this, and it's so good that you're doing it now. I know more than a few women who were afraid to call off the wedding for whatever reason, and really regret going through with it. I know it's hard, but you're not alone! We're all behind you!

posted by headspace 12 January | 16:55

I had to break an engagement once. Had to do it by phone (he was in the midwest while I lived on the East Coast)and it was still hard. But you can do this!

I recommend you line up somebody to spend time with immediately afterward. I was in college-my suitemates took turns staying up with me all night (I didn't need that but they made it fun.) Whatever you do, you are going to need to NOT be in the same place as the ex for at least awhile. Trust me on that part, as he WILL try to talk you out of it.

posted by bunnyfire 12 January | 17:14

Thanks, I have plans to go to my mom's tomorrow. Unfortunately, my work is three hours away from her, so I can't stay there. (And no, I really can't afford any time off right now.)

I am being a chickenshit about this and I need to bite the bullet and just tell him.

posted by desjardins 12 January | 17:27

better to rip the bandaid off sooner rather than later

Bears repeating.

posted by Joe Invisible 12 January | 17:34

Hugs and thoughts and whuffles to you, desjardins!

posted by By the Grace of God 12 January | 17:54

This must be one of th toughest conversations to have. My kid brother went through this recently and the fella needing to start the conversation. It was tough for him, but he got through it, as you will, and his life is already the better for it.

Again, much better to break off the engagement that have to end a marriage. I feel for you desjardins. You'll get through it.

posted by richat 12 January | 18:46

I did more or less exactly what you're doing a year and a half or so ago.

But I didn't let it stick.

Three or four breakups later, and six months of my unemployment later in a faraway part of the country, it finally came to an end. That wasn't any good for anyone.

You're doing the right thing.

You will get through it. You'll be feeling much, much better two months from today because of it. Good will and nice thoughts your way.

posted by ibmcginty 12 January | 19:50

Are you sure? If you're hesitating that much, maybe you're not sure. Maybe you need a little more time. Make sure you're sure (as sure as you can be, that is). Guys tend to run with this kind of news, once it's given.

Good luck to you.

posted by Pips 12 January | 19:54

Good luck to you. I often wish I'd acted on my gut feelings and hadn't married my first husband, but that's all in the past now. One thing I'm wondering...do you want to end the relationship completely? Or just the engagement part of it? It does suck to be the "bad" guy, though. Make sure you are certain in what you want, and stick with it.

posted by redvixen 12 January | 20:02

I decided to break off the engagement.

ahhh, mon cheri, i thought you would. now pleaze to tell me what was the--how you say?--final piece of hay? was it my finely waxed mustachio? or perhaps my skill in obtaining a twelve-year-old bottle of the fine Wild Irish Rrrrrrose?

ahh, now you are mine, cheri. i can see this in your bootiful eyes. you haf made this right decision.

;-)

posted by shane 12 January | 21:21

*hugs* Nthing trust your gut; I've always regretted it when I haven't.

posted by brujita 13 January | 00:40

((HUGS)). This is a hard decision to come to, and I wish I could offer my spare bedroom.

posted by rhapsodie 13 January | 00:59

(((desjardins)))

And yes, better now than later.

posted by deborah 13 January | 15:36

Good for you for figuring it out before doing the deed.

Take good care of yourself, desjardins. Let us know how it goes and whether there's anything we can do.

posted by tangerine 13 January | 18:32

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