What should I get my mother for Christmas?

How much is "too much"?

It's miserable out and I don't feel like going to the woodshed and splitting kindling. What's the best way to start a fire without it?

Oooh, oooh give me bad advice! Give me bad advice! Should I leave my stable part-time admin job at a cool theatre company that lets me do whatever I want to run my own theatre for refugee youth for way less money and stability but will give me more time to write???

I think it is going to be yes!!!!!!!! (Over the next 2 years. The cool theatre is going to help me get my company going, even though it means I have to quit. Because they are cool like that.)

I don't feel like I'm getting enough casual sex, and I can't understand why the ladies don't like my fedora. Can you explain?

When I get back into the workforce, what are some good porno sites I can surf on company time that won't be too obvious?

I have a 5 month old kitten who breaks or ruins something of mine almost every day-- but I'm not home in the daytime to catch him at it and discipline him on the spot. What can I do to fix his behavior?

My hand sanitizer container and tissue box are telling me to do things. Which one should I listen to? (FYI - the hand sanitizer container is more forceful/aggressive, the tissue box more "ho-hum".)

I could use some bad advise. I have a crush on my tattoo artist, and worry I'll run out of skin before I get the nerve to ask him out. What should I do?

I set up my laptop to play Super Nintendo games, and now that's all I ever use it for. I need some advice.

What would be the ideal food and drink arrangements for a party that will draw in equal proportions vegans, heavy drinkers, teetotalers and carnivores?

Secretly visit another tattoo artist and get (in gothic script, with devils and skulls and snakes and protestant preachers, if that's your thing) "Do you like me? Yes [] No []". On your back. Then visit your enamourato, purporting to get a new back tattoo. The next morning as the hangover wears off, check yourself in the mirror.

I have a certain addiction, but I'm too embarrassed to say what it is. Can you figure it out, and tell me how to control it?

I just bought a tennis elbow brace, but it doesn't come with instructions. What do I do with it?

As a married professional, I'm having a hard time deciding whether to hit on the cute, slim, younger professional who is above me in the organization, or the cute, slim, younger staff member who is below me in the organization. Help, Capn?

My coworker just gave me a scented candle for Christmas. It is very stinky, even unlit, with a cheap floral smell that is giving me a headache. I can't just throw it in my own trashcan, because it will still stink up my workspace, and I'm scared to throw it in a different trashcan because (1) that's unfair to my co-workers and (2) I'm scared she'll see/smell it and get her feelings hurt. I can take it home with me and dump it tonight, but what do I do with the thing today?

Should i get this tablet from apple? It seems a good a price as anywhere especially with free shipping. Should i go ahead and get the reasonably cheap camera and a mic as well? If i at least finally get the tablet, can you just make me get it over with?
Could you get Santa to get me some of that laser surgery or a chemical peel? Maybe throw in some quality hallucinagenics and a spa weekend? Maybe an all purpose sugar daddy instead? Or put me in a coma and electrically stimulate my muscles until i am fit and healthy again?

Ok, how about just a dust repeller force field?

I see all these things called "marital aids", which ones will actually help me get married?

Should i have tacos or sesame noodles to eat?

Got the damnable tablet anyway, so what now?
Will there be any warning before my kitty goes into heat for the first time? Is bud nipping necessary? Will she ever want to do it if she never does it? She's got a whole climbing wall but seems yet unsatisfied.

My son's face is full of scabs (from failed attempts to walk) and dried on boogers (teething=snotting). How do I tell which is which when wiping his face? Licking them does not work as he is very salty.

Which vice should I give up 1-1-08?
Smokes
Drink
Pills
Nooners
Carbs

Or should I make a will?

I've been trying to help out a (now former) friend, but he craps all over every community I introduce him to. If I gag him with the elbow brace, can I use him to start my fire?

I am eating a microwaved chicken pot pie for lunch, and frankly, it's delicious. Does this make me a Bad Person?

what should I do about lunch, eat the one I brought (which I now feel very meh about) or ride my bike up the street to the sandwich place and get something gooey, fattening and expensive?

Capn, can you recommend any discreet, classy ways to pick one's nose in a professional office environment?

I can't get the fucking scanner to work. What do I do now?

I trim my nails at work, but the clippings fly over my head and bounce off the highly polished head of my co-worker behind me, and from thence land in his tiki mugs and his slippers, and worst of all, burst into virtual flames when they hit his fireplace screensaver.
What can I do to stop the carnage?

which should I do right now: study for my Shakespeare final, or start cutting six and a half pages out of my Constitutional Law take home final? frankly, I don't want to do either.

Capn, are my co-workers right - do I really look like Judy Garland?

There's no reason you can't do both, here, I'll get you started
Webster's dictionary describes Hamlet as a small town or village, usually rural. This is very confusing because the play Hamlet mostly happens in a castle. The constitutional crisis presented in Hamlet revolves around the subtle questions of contractual disputes in private/public partnerships and also there is a lot of killing.
The rest pretty much writes itself.

it's four o'clock and I haven't really done any work yet today. Should I write off the rest of the day or buckle down for two years and at least get something done?

I am eating a microwaved chicken pot pie for lunch, and frankly, it's delicious. Does this make me a Bad Person?

I'm exhausted - work is crazy busy with long hours. Should I:
1. Sleep with my head on the keyboard or would it be more business appropriate to just crawl under my desk?
2. Can I send work to your office for completion?