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19 December 2007

Anyone need any bad advice? Not much going on in the office today, so the bad advice desk is open. Ask away.
What should I get my mother for Christmas?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero 19 December | 11:54
How much is "too much"?
posted by taz 19 December | 11:55
It's miserable out and I don't feel like going to the woodshed and splitting kindling. What's the best way to start a fire without it?
posted by elizard 19 December | 12:01
What should I get my mother for Christmas?

Perhaps a book that will help you re-connect as mother and child? I haven't read it, but this looks like it would fit the bill.
posted by Capn 19 December | 12:01
Oooh, oooh give me bad advice! Give me bad advice! Should I leave my stable part-time admin job at a cool theatre company that lets me do whatever I want to run my own theatre for refugee youth for way less money and stability but will give me more time to write???

I think it is going to be yes!!!!!!!! (Over the next 2 years. The cool theatre is going to help me get my company going, even though it means I have to quit. Because they are cool like that.)
posted by typewriter 19 December | 12:02
I don't feel like I'm getting enough casual sex, and I can't understand why the ladies don't like my fedora. Can you explain?
posted by DMan 19 December | 12:03
How much is "too much"?

When the bridge collapses, it means the train was too heavy.
posted by Capn 19 December | 12:03
It's miserable out and I don't feel like going to the woodshed and splitting kindling. What's the best way to start a fire without it?


Well, to start a fire, I like to Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnny Ray, South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio, Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, Television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe, Rosenbergs, H Bomb, Sugar Ray, Panmunjom, Brando, The King And I, and The Catcher In The Rye, Eisenhower, Vaccine, England's got a new queen, Maciano, Liberace, Santayana goodbye.

If that doesn't work, then try the following. Get an extension cord a utility knife and half a bottle of strong liquor (to create a half bottle from a full bottle, well, you know what to do). Plug the extension cord in, then spread the alcohol over whatever you need to be on fire. Cut the extension cord in half and carefully separate the two leads. Touch them to the alcohol and viola!
posted by Capn 19 December | 12:08
Oooh, oooh give me bad advice! Give me bad advice! Should I leave my stable part-time admin job at a cool theatre company that lets me do whatever I want to run my own theatre for refugee youth for way less money and stability but will give me more time to write???

I think it is going to be yes!!!!!!!! (Over the next 2 years. The cool theatre is going to help me get my company going, even though it means I have to quit. Because they are cool like that.)

No. Theater is for gypsies and the congenitally indolent. Get a grown-up job at a bank or factory.
posted by Capn 19 December | 12:10
I don't feel like I'm getting enough casual sex, and I can't understand why the ladies don't like my fedora. Can you explain?

It sounds like you've got "it" "going on" as the kids say. Maybe you don't have enough of "it". Have you tried a thrift store bowling shirt and some two-tone shoes? If that doesn't work, try a frilly shirt and a shiny metallic tuxedo vest.
posted by Capn 19 December | 12:14
Hey, Capn, I'm looking for work right now.

When I get back into the workforce, what are some good porno sites I can surf on company time that won't be too obvious?
posted by jason's_planet 19 December | 12:15
I have a 5 month old kitten who breaks or ruins something of mine almost every day-- but I'm not home in the daytime to catch him at it and discipline him on the spot. What can I do to fix his behavior?
posted by Hermitosis 19 December | 12:17
My hand sanitizer container and tissue box are telling me to do things. Which one should I listen to? (FYI - the hand sanitizer container is more forceful/aggressive, the tissue box more "ho-hum".)
posted by Hellbient 19 December | 12:17
I could use some bad advise. I have a crush on my tattoo artist, and worry I'll run out of skin before I get the nerve to ask him out. What should I do?
posted by kellydamnit 19 December | 12:18
When I get back into the workforce, what are some good porno sites I can surf on company time that won't be too obvious?

Rather than taking the (tantalizing and oh so naughty) risk of looking at porno-graphy at work, I suggest that you seek the advice of an accredited Mesmerist, and transmute your passions, such that you can get your humors up looking at spreadsheets and memos.
posted by Capn 19 December | 12:19
I set up my laptop to play Super Nintendo games, and now that's all I ever use it for. I need some advice.
posted by box 19 December | 12:21
I have a 5 month old kitten who breaks or ruins something of mine almost every day-- but I'm not home in the daytime to catch him at it and discipline him on the spot. What can I do to fix his behavior?

Have you heard of the wealthy dowager who left her entire estate to her cats? Perhaps you could marry your kitten off as a child bride to one of these (ha ha) "fat cats". I'm sure, once you elevate your own station sufficiently, you could visit her, and she could have all the wanton destruction she's capable of.
posted by Capn 19 December | 12:22
My hand sanitizer container and tissue box are telling me to do things. Which one should I listen to? (FYI - the hand sanitizer container is more forceful/aggressive, the tissue box more "ho-hum".)

Inanimate objects cannot talk or give you advice, especially not computer monitors.
posted by Capn 19 December | 12:23
What would be the ideal food and drink arrangements for a party that will draw in equal proportions vegans, heavy drinkers, teetotalers and carnivores?
posted by Iridic 19 December | 12:26
I could use some bad advise. I have a crush on my tattoo artist, and worry I'll run out of skin before I get the nerve to ask him out. What should I do?

Secretly visit another tattoo artist and get (in gothic script, with devils and skulls and snakes and protestant preachers, if that's your thing) "Do you like me? Yes [] No []". On your back. Then visit your enamourato, purporting to get a new back tattoo. The next morning as the hangover wears off, check yourself in the mirror.
posted by Capn 19 December | 12:27
I have a certain addiction, but I'm too embarrassed to say what it is. Can you figure it out, and tell me how to control it?
posted by taz 19 December | 12:28
I set up my laptop to play Super Nintendo games, and now that's all I ever use it for. I need some advice.
I saw a documentary recently called The Wizard that suggested that you could make a respectable living playing the nintendoes, I say follow your dream no matter where it leads you.
posted by Capn 19 December | 12:28
What would be the ideal food and drink arrangements for a party that will draw in equal proportions vegans, heavy drinkers, teetotalers and carnivores?

Well, if you have vegans and carnivores, just put out some lettuce and let the natural food chain take it's course.
As for your "friends" that have taken the pledge, it is the holiday season, and everyone should be filled with cheer. I suggest that as host, you pressure them to take a drink, and if they won't slip a little something in to their weak lemon tea. No harm done and everyone will have a better time.
posted by Capn 19 December | 12:31
Secretly visit another tattoo artist and get (in gothic script, with devils and skulls and snakes and protestant preachers, if that's your thing) "Do you like me? Yes [] No []". On your back. Then visit your enamourato, purporting to get a new back tattoo. The next morning as the hangover wears off, check yourself in the mirror.


Brilliant!
(and yes, I just noticed I can't spell advice. Even when it is already in the thread a dozen times.)
posted by kellydamnit 19 December | 12:32
I have a certain addiction, but I'm too embarrassed to say what it is. Can you figure it out, and tell me how to control it?

When I was a young man, my father caught me smoking behind the shed. Enraged, he had me smoke an entire carton, and from that day on, I was able to tolerate any number of cigarettes and have kept up the practice to this day with no noticeable ill effects. I suggest the same course of action to you.
posted by Capn 19 December | 12:37
I suggest that you seek the advice of an accredited Mesmerist, and transmute your passions, such that you can get your humors up looking at spreadsheets and memos.

Well, after a long enough dry spell, I suppose even spreadsheets would start to look good.

Thanks, Capn!
posted by jason's_planet 19 December | 12:44
I just bought a tennis elbow brace, but it doesn't come with instructions. What do I do with it?
posted by elizard 19 December | 12:52
As a married professional, I'm having a hard time deciding whether to hit on the cute, slim, younger professional who is above me in the organization, or the cute, slim, younger staff member who is below me in the organization. Help, Capn?
posted by Joe Invisible 19 December | 12:55
I just bought a tennis elbow brace, but it doesn't come with instructions. What do I do with it?

I think you'll find you read the box wrong, it's not an "elbow brace", it's an "El Bowb Race". I trust that this clears things up.
posted by Capn 19 December | 13:01
Should i get this tablet from apple? It seems a good a price as anywhere especially with free shipping. Should i go ahead and get the reasonably cheap camera and a mic as well? If i at least finally get the tablet, can you just make me get it over with?
Could you get Santa to get me some of that laser surgery or a chemical peel? Maybe throw in some quality hallucinagenics and a spa weekend? Maybe an all purpose sugar daddy instead? Or put me in a coma and electrically stimulate my muscles until i am fit and healthy again?

Ok, how about just a dust repeller force field?
posted by ethylene 19 December | 13:14
As a married professional, I'm having a hard time deciding whether to hit on the cute, slim, younger professional who is above me in the organization, or the cute, slim, younger staff member who is below me in the organization. Help, Capn?

It's really a question of setting achievable goals for the year then meeting them. Do you want to climb the corporate ladder? Or do you want to show the interns around your oval office? (I'm sorry, I'm terrible at metaphors, I should have said "corporate escalator" or something).
posted by Capn 19 December | 13:14
My coworker just gave me a scented candle for Christmas. It is very stinky, even unlit, with a cheap floral smell that is giving me a headache. I can't just throw it in my own trashcan, because it will still stink up my workspace, and I'm scared to throw it in a different trashcan because (1) that's unfair to my co-workers and (2) I'm scared she'll see/smell it and get her feelings hurt. I can take it home with me and dump it tonight, but what do I do with the thing today?
posted by occhiblu 19 December | 13:16
I see all these things called "marital aids", which ones will actually help me get married?
posted by King of Prontopia 19 December | 13:40
Should i have tacos or sesame noodles to eat?
Got the damnable tablet anyway, so what now?
Will there be any warning before my kitty goes into heat for the first time? Is bud nipping necessary? Will she ever want to do it if she never does it? She's got a whole climbing wall but seems yet unsatisfied.
posted by ethylene 19 December | 13:45
My son's face is full of scabs (from failed attempts to walk) and dried on boogers (teething=snotting). How do I tell which is which when wiping his face? Licking them does not work as he is very salty.
posted by jrossi4r 19 December | 13:47
Which vice should I give up 1-1-08?

Smokes
Drink
Pills
Nooners
Carbs

Or should I make a will?
posted by rainbaby 19 December | 14:01
I've been trying to help out a (now former) friend, but he craps all over every community I introduce him to. If I gag him with the elbow brace, can I use him to start my fire?
posted by elizard 19 December | 14:06
I am eating a microwaved chicken pot pie for lunch, and frankly, it's delicious. Does this make me a Bad Person?
posted by BitterOldPunk 19 December | 14:10
jrossi4r, congratulations, my colleagues are now giving me the "wtf are you snorting at?" look...

oh, my question: what should I do about lunch, eat the one I brought (which I now feel very meh about) or ride my bike up the street to the sandwich place and get something gooey, fattening and expensive?
posted by lonefrontranger 19 December | 14:18
I mean, how flammable is an asshat, anyway? I'm thinkin' pretty flammable.
posted by elizard 19 December | 14:24
Capn, can you recommend any discreet, classy ways to pick one's nose in a professional office environment?
posted by jason's_planet 19 December | 14:39
jrossi, salty young boys should always be accompanied by a warm washcloth.

BOP, we all know pot pie is the fuel of evil. It is in the gravy.

elizard, force him to chop would as it's better than he deserves.

Now i got a drop of delicious taco sauce on my pants. i blotted it and can't find it now but it provides more proof i am a filthy human being, undeserving of the Capn attentions.
posted by ethylene 19 December | 14:42
Seriously, I gotta get rid of this candle, dude.
posted by occhiblu 19 December | 14:42
BOP, yes it makes you a bad person. A very, very bad person. Now come here for your punishment.

occhiblu--send it to me! I've got a hat I can cram it up--the wax will help with the flammability.
posted by elizard 19 December | 14:48
Ooooh! Spanky spanky!

Xmas is early!
posted by BitterOldPunk 19 December | 14:52
I love you guys.
posted by taz 19 December | 14:57
My coworker just gave me a scented candle for Christmas. It is very stinky, even unlit, with a cheap floral smell that is giving me a headache. I can't just throw it in my own trashcan, because it will still stink up my workspace, and I'm scared to throw it in a different trashcan because (1) that's unfair to my co-workers and (2) I'm scared she'll see/smell it and get her feelings hurt. I can take it home with me and dump it tonight, but what do I do with the thing today?

Just say "oh, thank you so much" then behind you back, pass from your left hand to your right and say "I got you the same thing", then stare at her daring to contradict you.
posted by Capn 19 December | 15:02
would?
wood.
Sinuses are getting to me.

Martial aids can help you get married; both will be a convenience.

Jason's planet obviously needs a platinum telescoping "oyster fork". Remember when you meet with resistance, push harder.

Get something fattening.

Let's flay the bitter off the old.
posted by ethylene 19 December | 15:03
Should i get this tablet from apple? It seems a good a price as anywhere especially with free shipping. Should i go ahead and get the reasonably cheap camera and a mic as well? If i at least finally get the tablet, can you just make me get it over with?
Could you get Santa to get me some of that laser surgery or a chemical peel? Maybe throw in some quality hallucinagenics and a spa weekend? Maybe an all purpose sugar daddy instead? Or put me in a coma and electrically stimulate my muscles until i am fit and healthy again?

Ok, how about just a dust repeller force field?

I'm sorry, I don't know what any of those things are, but I think you should store your apples on a table not a tablet, and I don't think you should eat the chemical peel. Stick to candied orange peel. The rest sounds good, go for it.
posted by Capn 19 December | 15:07
I can't get the fucking scanner to work. What do I do now?
posted by mygothlaundry 19 December | 15:10
I see all these things called "marital aids", which ones will actually help me get married?

What is it with today's youth and mis-readings? They're "martial aids", for the armed forces. The short, round blunt spears are for bayonetting practice, while the various machine oils and lubricants are for keeping one's kit in tip top working order.
If you want to get married, just do what I did, get a girl "in the family way", then leave her but get joint custody of the offspring, as the ladies love a man with a child and a sad story.
posted by Capn 19 December | 15:10
Dearest Capn,
I trim my nails at work, but the clippings fly over my head and bounce off the highly polished head of my co-worker behind me, and from thence land in his tiki mugs and his slippers, and worst of all, burst into virtual flames when they hit his fireplace screensaver.
What can I do to stop the carnage?
posted by joanofsnark 19 December | 15:11
Should i have tacos or sesame noodles to eat?

A scotch egg, chipollatas and mayonaise, jellied potatoes and a pint of ale, that's a meal that builds empires.
Got the damnable tablet anyway, so what now?
Will there be any warning before my kitty goes into heat for the first time? Is bud nipping necessary? Will she ever want to do it if she never does it? She's got a whole climbing wall but seems yet unsatisfied.

There will be a warning, but you will have to watch carefully for it. The warning is that your kitty will be rutting with other cats a lot. As for what to do about it, if the garden hose is good enough for the teenagers in my front yard, it should be good enough for your cat.
posted by Capn 19 December | 15:14
My son's face is full of scabs (from failed attempts to walk) and dried on boogers (teething=snotting). How do I tell which is which when wiping his face? Licking them does not work as he is very salty.

When you peel off the boogers he will scream and cry and throw a tantrum. When you peel off the scabs, he will look at you silently and reproachfully and you will be a bad mother.
posted by Capn 19 December | 15:16
Which vice should I give up 1-1-08?
Smokes
Drink
Pills
Nooners
Carbs

Work.

Or should I make a will?

It's not a question of "should you make a will" it a question of "why wouldn't you make a will" or as I call it "the last, greatest practical joke"
posted by Capn 19 December | 15:18
I've been trying to help out a (now former) friend, but he craps all over every community I introduce him to. If I gag him with the elbow brace, can I use him to start my fire?
It's probably not his fault, it is probably the rigid unbending mories of the communities. Change comes from within.
posted by Capn 19 December | 15:20
I am eating a microwaved chicken pot pie for lunch, and frankly, it's delicious. Does this make me a Bad Person?
No, the fact that you didn't offer to share it with other people in the office makes you a bad person. I mean, you probably didn't even burn some microwave popcorn to kill off everyone's appetite, did you?
posted by Capn 19 December | 15:22
what should I do about lunch, eat the one I brought (which I now feel very meh about) or ride my bike up the street to the sandwich place and get something gooey, fattening and expensive?

The only way we're going to get the economy back on track is by profligate extravagant spending at every opportunity. Take a taxi to the sandwich place, and buy the sandwich on credit.
posted by Capn 19 December | 15:23
Capn, can you recommend any discreet, classy ways to pick one's nose in a professional office environment?
If act like you are doing something wrong, people will think you're doing something wrong, think that you are ashamed and will take advantage of this. If you act like you're doing something normal, or laudable even, that is how people will react. Shout "Who wants to go spelunking in my sinuses? I do!" and get up there with two fingers.
posted by Capn 19 December | 15:25
I can't get the fucking scanner to work. What do I do now?
Put a light underneath and trace it by hand.
posted by Capn 19 December | 15:27
I trim my nails at work, but the clippings fly over my head and bounce off the highly polished head of my co-worker behind me, and from thence land in his tiki mugs and his slippers, and worst of all, burst into virtual flames when they hit his fireplace screensaver.
What can I do to stop the carnage?

Your co-worker sounds like a cross between a dried up old prig and a bit of a fancy boy. Slippers, tiki mugs and a virtual fireplace at work? Does he actually perform a useful function? Or is he there as part of some kind of government equity program to keep the fine arts students off the streets?
In any event, who doesn't enjoy a good fingernail fight at the office to break the tension? I remember when I worked at the factory, lads would lose whole fingers in the jaquard loom and toss them back and forth and we all thought it was a fine time!
posted by Capn 19 December | 15:31
which should I do right now: study for my Shakespeare final, or start cutting six and a half pages out of my Constitutional Law take home final? frankly, I don't want to do either.
posted by dismas 19 December | 15:33
Capn, are my co-workers right - do I really look like Judy Garland?
posted by Hellbient 19 December | 15:38
Capn,
I'm exhausted - work is crazy busy with long hours. Should I:
1. Sleep with my head on the keyboard or would it be more business appropriate to just crawl under my desk?
2. Can I send work to your office for completion?
posted by mightshould 19 December | 15:40
which should I do right now: study for my Shakespeare final, or start cutting six and a half pages out of my Constitutional Law take home final? frankly, I don't want to do either.

There's no reason you can't do both, here, I'll get you started
Webster's dictionary describes Hamlet as a small town or village, usually rural. This is very confusing because the play Hamlet mostly happens in a castle. The constitutional crisis presented in Hamlet revolves around the subtle questions of contractual disputes in private/public partnerships and also there is a lot of killing.
The rest pretty much writes itself.
posted by Capn 19 December | 15:42
Capn, are my co-workers right - do I really look like Judy Garland?
Only when you wear the dress and wig. Also would it kill you to put on a little makeup?
posted by Capn 19 December | 15:42
Well, I have to go get ready for the work holiday party, you folks are going to have to ruin your own lives for a while.
posted by Capn 19 December | 15:56
Capn, can I please help you get ready for your party?
posted by Hellbient 19 December | 16:14
You've made it a happier day, Capn.

Bunnies, my cohorts, you can carry on the grand tradition of our Rabbity Capn, I have faith! Go forth and advise.
posted by taz 19 December | 16:17
But wait! One more, puh-leeeze!

Capn, it's four o'clock and I haven't really done any work yet today. Should I write off the rest of the day or buckle down for two years and at least get something done?
posted by typewriter 19 December | 16:18
Two hours, hours hours hours I meant of course.
posted by typewriter 19 December | 16:19
*snort!*

{{typewriter}}
posted by taz 19 December | 16:28
There's no reason you can't do both, here, I'll get you started
Webster's dictionary describes Hamlet as a small town or village, usually rural. This is very confusing because the play Hamlet mostly happens in a castle. The constitutional crisis presented in Hamlet revolves around the subtle questions of contractual disputes in private/public partnerships and also there is a lot of killing.
The rest pretty much writes itself.

this is so fucking full of win. I am positively weeping with laughter.
posted by lonefrontranger 19 December | 16:35
"Well, I have to go get ready for the work holiday party, you folks are going to have to ruin your own lives for a while."
posted by Capn 19 December

That's the worst advice I've ever seen you give, Capn. I can understand you having other commitments, but suggesting that people should ruin their own lives, when there are so many other sources of bad advice available, is really taking bread off the table of many, many of your ill-advising colleagues, and to what purpose, I ask?

It's not like those needing bad advice can really be counted on to do worse on their own, and in suggesting they might, you've taken away their last hope of finding a scapegoat. I think that most people looking for bad advice, are really seeking permission to ask for forgiveness when things don't go well. And so I think taz has got it right, for once. Better badly advised by someone than to proceed in hazardous circumstances entirely on one's own dime.

And lfr is right, that Hamlet thing was an inspired conflation of lunacy and style.
posted by paulsc 19 December | 16:53
it's four o'clock and I haven't really done any work yet today. Should I write off the rest of the day or buckle down for two years and at least get something done?


I know it's hard, but two more years of that grueling schedule sounds do-able. Keep at it. Your work ethic will be noticed and appropriately rewarded some day.

Also, make sure they know you're a valuable team player by hanging out at the lunch room as often as possible - eventually someone will make coffee. Hard work needs coffee.
posted by mightshould 19 December | 16:56
I understand why Capn can only Bad Advise for the bunnies so much... his skills are so much in demand in Washington, Hollywood and Sillycon Valley. Well, I need to exercise my funny bone (also my silly muscles and my goofy gut) so I'll take a spin at Bad Advising. But looking around at my own (lack of a) lifestyle, I think the best worst advice I could give anyone is "don't do as I say, do as I do". Do. Doodoo. Doobee doobee doo.

I am eating a microwaved chicken pot pie for lunch, and frankly, it's delicious. Does this make me a Bad Person?
Only if you're using a spork. Best bet: lose all the silverware and go at it like a County Fair Pie Eating contest. You will gain the respect of all your peers at the urinals.

I'm exhausted - work is crazy busy with long hours. Should I:
1. Sleep with my head on the keyboard or would it be more business appropriate to just crawl under my desk?
2. Can I send work to your office for completion?
Nothing shows off your dedication more than those indentations in your face you get from sleeping with your head on the keyboard. I've also heard that the Kraftmatic Bed people are now marketing an Adjustable Cubicle, but I haven't tried it myself (yet). And since Capn's office is having a party, the best you can get from sending work there is photocopies of butts collated with your original vomit-soaked documents. Got for it.




posted by wendell 19 December | 17:28
*looks up Capn's email, sends documents, punches craftmatic number in cell phone*
posted by mightshould 19 December | 17:47
Got for it? I mean GO FOR IT. Good for you mightshould, and MIGHT I add I like your name, or SHOULD I?
posted by wendell 19 December | 18:07
Dear Capn or reasonable facsimile thereof: In the interests of Science, how many chicken pot pies would it take to lay a trail from, say, The South to, say, the west coast of Canada if placed at intervals of approximately 4'? In a completely unrelated question, how long can a person wear a corset before it causes bodily harm?
posted by elizard 19 December | 18:11
Oh Capn. How did you get so very wise?
posted by jrossi4r 19 December | 18:37
Don't tempt me, elizard. I have frequent flyer miles, and I know how to use them.

It's gonna be humiliating going through customs in this corset, though.
posted by BitterOldPunk 19 December | 18:37
That's part of the punishment.
posted by elizard 19 December | 21:11
;)
posted by elizard 19 December | 22:04
A quick back-of-the-envelope calculation tells me that it would take approximately 3,696,000 chicken pot pies (spaced at 4-foot intervals) to stretch from my front door to Vancouver, BC.

An eight-pie box of chicken pot pies at my local Sam's Club costs around 12 bucks. I'm assuming we could get a discount on a truckload or twelve, so figuring 8 bucks a box equals one dollar per chicken pot pie, that means an investment of roughly 3.7 million dollars.

Don't do it! I'm not worth it!

But I do dearly love chicken pot pie. And at that rate, I'm going to hafta loosen this corset.

Man. I have waaaaaay too much free time.
posted by BitterOldPunk 19 December | 23:29
Hmmm...with your frequent flyer points it should be only about 5 boxes, I figure, to get the fictitious science person on the airplane. Less, if interspersed with bourbon. I have to go do more calculations.
posted by elizard 20 December | 02:41
Craftmatic people thought I was looney.

Still waiting on those docs from Capn's office.....
posted by mightshould 20 December | 08:02
Is it me, or was 2007 a pretty good year for movies? || Name that condition.

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