Mom's got senile dementia and won't remember me telling her three minutes later. But the guy was a neighbor and close family friend and she deserves to know. But she won't really "know", since she can't retain the knowledge, so telling her is pointless. But not telling her is a disservice to his memory, and is the kind of thing mom would WANT to know. But it would just be unnecessary grief.

What to do, bunnies?

(I'm plumping for a chorus of "don't tell her" hint hint hint)

Don't tell her. Seriously - if she does have a lucid moment then it's bad to have that time be upsetting. And if she doesn't have a good moment then she's not going to realize it. So, don't tell her.

I have to make these decisions all the time with my Dad. He's a highly functioning schizophrenic but I have to edit a lot of stuff so as to not upset the balance.

BOP: Who is working with your mother?

We could all give our gut perspectives, and I'm sure there are bunnies who've gone through something similar and will have insights. But does your mom have a doctor, health aide, counselor, caregiver, agency of any kind helping out? Presumably there is someone who knows her individually and might have a better perspective on how these things are best handled with people in your mother's situation.

In other words, I don't know what you should do, but maybe her doctor/health aide/agency has some wisdom to share with you. Use your resources...

Oof.. I guess I gotta say I'm on the "tell her" side. My grandmother lived with senile dementia for a number of years, and although she had no immediate history, she remembered her youth. I always felt there were some phantoms back there, even if she couldn't quite muster them. The question, I suppose, rests on your assessment of your mother's long-held memories, not her short-term ones.

If it helps, if your mom really doesn't grasp the weight of what you've told her, she's less likely to have a strong emotional reaction. So whatever grief was in the room would be that which you brought in with you. (Or not... I'm just a member of the internet peanut gallery.)

Sadly, I have the dementia to look forward to with my own mother, if history is any guide. Good luck.

"... Should I tell my mom her friend died?"
post by: BitterOldPunk at: 00:15

Yes. But as my carefully wry, deeply Southern, long dead first mother-in-law would have said, "You're under no obligation to dwell on unpleasantness."

Alice White, if you're looking down, I still love you.

Yes you should. Dementia comes in many forms and manifests in many ways. If mom is completely out of it, it won't hurt to tell her. If she still remembers some things and can connect to some things, then she should know.

(note: This is second hand info. I don't deal with dementia patients but my girlfriend does all the time.)

I'm in the "tell her" group...she may or may not remember, but unless she brings up his name herself after this, you don't have to discuss it again. For me, telling my grandmother I now lived in NYC was the trigger to ask about her sister, who died when I was first looking for an apartment, so I would have to keep saying "Barbara died x amount of time ago" "Oh that's terrible", subject dropped.

When my great aunt was still alive, someone with a similar last name who also worked in the film industry died. My cousin thought it was her and told my grandmother. My grandmother called my great-aunt's number and when she picked up: "Oh Barbara, I thought you were dead." I don't know what the reaction was.

That's a tough one BOP, but I'm with the tell her camp, too. Sometimes when I tell my dad (he has stroke dementia and a terrible memory, too) serious news like that, he is amazingly un-reactionary, and he forgets 5 minutes later. If he does bring it up again, it's like brujita's grandma where it's a fleeting subject.

Yeah, arse_hat amd paulsc, I think you're right, much as I don't want to deal with it. I just don't want to make her needlessly sad. What if she forms some shard of memory about this and then has to RE-GRIEVE every time she thinks about it?

*sigh*

Thanks for the thoughtful input, folks!

Just told her.

Her response,"Oh. That's sad. He'd been sick. Well, that narrows my world."

Then she went back to clipping coupons out of the Sunday paper.

(BTW, having read this guy's obit, what a life well-lived! Nine kids, thirty grandchildren, 23 great-grandchildren. Of his seven sons, one was a Rear Admiral in the US Navy, another an Admiral, two were Captains, one is a missionary in Africa, one is a Catholic priest, and the last one is on the city council and will probably be the next mayor. He died at home in his sleep at age 97. That's the way to do it, folks.)

I think it's one of those things that depends on the person and how his/her dementia works.

I'm glad she took it well, BOP.