MetaChat - How does a man compliment a woman's weight loss?

"Wow, you look great today!"

posted by mischief 08 December | 21:05

The closer you can do an amazed outburst the better.

posted by mischief 08 December | 21:07

How's about "ZOMG, you're not tubby anymore and I'd really like to get with you now!!!"**

** Note: I settled on this tack because I have yet to determine how important it is to me to help you accomplish your goal of being a sleazy. realationship-ruining asshole with ulterior motives.

posted by mudpuppie 08 December | 21:28

What she said.

posted by puke & cry 08 December | 21:33

"You lost the tummy and kept the tits! Nice work!"

posted by eamondaly 08 December | 21:38

Girl Zone Alert!

posted by mischief 08 December | 21:39

I think you sounded a false alarm, mischief. Of the 5 people who have posted in this thread, only one has a vagina on her person.

Personally, I think the question is a valid -- even good -- one. It's hard to know how to compliment someone on weight loss without coming across as an, um, size-ist. But when the intent is to hit on her, knowing full well (and probably not caring) that she has a live-in boyfriend, the original question kind of takes a back seat. For me, anyway. And maybe all the rest of us silly girls.

And pukey, apparently, who's known for flaunting his feminine side.

posted by mudpuppie 08 December | 21:48

mudpuppie

I think I mis-communicated in my question. I was only implying that if the boyfriend was present at the time of my would-be compliment, I might not be eager to fire a salvo of "Damn you are lookin' better every day!" I have not spoken with the guy at any great length, but he seems to be a bit more rugged than his girlfriend, what with the unwashed, overbleached hair and constant stink of weed on his person. I'm not sure weather to take the relationship seriously.

I also thought it was against this site's rules to pound on other people and call them things like "sleazy" and "asshole."

posted by Brandon1600 08 December | 21:49

"only one has a vagina on her person"

Details! Well... sniff

posted by mischief 08 December | 21:58

Next time you see her, exaggeratedly look her up and down, then say "Da-a-a-amn, girl, you have a live-in boyfriend, but I have yet to determine how important that is to me!"

On preview: hi, everybody. I wrote this comment a little while ago, but I'm just now posting it. What'd I miss?

posted by box 08 December | 22:04

Without ascribing any particular motive to you (and also without giving a hoot about your motive), I'll toss in a different perspective:

Commenting on someone's weight is personal in a way that saying something like, "Wow, you look fantastic!" is not. Compliments to her need not emphasise the change that has suddenly made her attractive to you.

There's a separate issue, too, that people routinely overlook: weight loss is often health-related. When my first partner went from chunky to winningly slender and then marked skinny, people everywhere started telling him insistently how fantastic he looked, so slim, so great to see him drop that weight, blah blah blah.

But, uh, he was slowly dying of AIDS. He would have given anything to go back to being overweight, and the remarks people intended as compliments drove home to him that his weight loss really was dramatic.

A friend with a long-term eating disorder found herself in a similar situation: she overwhelmingly got compliments and other reinforcement when she was killing herself through purging and starvation.

[confidential to box: based on your above comment, I think I love you, but I have yet to determine how important that is to me.]

posted by Elsa 08 December | 22:38

Everything else in the thread aside, I just lost 25 pounds, accidentally, as a result of extraordinary personal stress. Lots of people are noticing. The compliments that I appreciate are:
You look great!
That dress looks nice on you.

The ones that make me grind my teeth:
Wow, you look really skinny.
Wow, you've lost so much weight! That's great.
Wow, you're totally hot.

Basically, neutral, pleasant compliments are nice. Anything that references my weight or suggests that I've done something amazing by not eating for three months pisses me off. You have no idea why or how she's lost weight. You have no idea how she feels about it and the only possible way to pay her a compliment without implying she looked fat before is to simply tell her she looks good. If you don't want to step on Boyfriend's toes, you frame it by referencing what she's wearing.

The woman knows she's lost 30 pounds and she knows that's what you're talking about. You're not going to fool her, so do her the courtesy of being polite and just being nice.

posted by crush-onastick 08 December | 22:44

"How does a man compliment a woman's weight loss?"

From beyond strike range, behind fire retardant, personal Kevlar.

posted by paulsc 08 December | 22:47

Brandon1600: helping you meet girls is one thing, but if you want homewrecker advice, look elsewhere. (also, you've asked us how to drink coffee, appreciate classiciate classical music and now, how to charm women. What's next, introductory farting lessons?)

posted by jonmc 08 December | 22:48

Yes. Please say "You look great!" or the like.

For some reason, people I haven't seen in a few months will compliment my looks and say "have you lost weight?" even if I haven't. And that's awful. Because either people are lying, or people remember me as a big fat fattie and are amazed that they remembered me wrong, which is hard to deal with.

posted by rainbaby 08 December | 22:48

When I lost 35 pounds, men started complimenting me.

It made me vaguely uncomfortable. Enough so that I've since put some weight back on.

So, tread very carefully.

posted by bunnyfire 08 December | 22:58

people I haven't seen in a few months will compliment my looks and say "have you lost weight?" even if I haven't.

Ha! This happens to me all the time, too, and sometimes I smile broadly and chirp out, "Oh, not at all! If anything, I've gained some!"

There's a conversation stopper, but oddly it never seems to occur to them that they're the ones who brought up the (suddenly taboo) subject. It's a weird conversational code.

posted by Elsa 08 December | 22:59

Have you been working out?

And then zone in on some muscles that seem to be better defined.

Once, I innocently complimented someone's hamstrings, as being awesome, and although I am married and don't do that stuff with strange girls, I could have had her then and there.

posted by danf 08 December | 23:30

Nthing the "You look great." It says everything you need without getting you into territory you are unprepared for. It also opens the door to the recipient to let you carry the conversation further and say something like "Thanks, I've been working out a lot." But definitely be aware that there are so many reasons for weight changes, not all of them positive, as we've heard here.

It is amusing how often people assume a positive change in appearance is due to a weight loss. A little over a year ago, when I was weight training a lot, I looked the best I have in years, although my weight was up from what it had been before.

Crushonastick has it, basically. This person is in a relationship. If you didn't get to know her when she was chunkier, oh well, you missed the boat. It happens!

All people go through changes in their physique and appearance throughout life. Sometimes we look great, sometimes less so. The reasons why we look great or don't are all over the map. If you're having a positive response to someone's appearance, it could be because they're skinnier, because they're finally truly happy, because they're relaxed, because they're suddenly positively responding to you, because they just got complimented by someone else or had a stroke of good luck and are still glowing from it, because they got laid last night and still have the shine on, because they are not stressed, because they just got a massage, whatever.

She knows she's lost the weight. If you want to let her know you've noticed, say she looks great. She'll know, then, that you're one of the guys who is noticing her now because she's lost weight. How she chooses to think about that is not something we can not predict.

posted by Miko 08 December | 23:31

er, not something we can predict. Too many negatives got in there.

posted by Miko 08 December | 23:36

Incidentally, like many women, if I notice that a man is routinely complimenting me:

a) only on my personal appearance,
b) only because of an alteration in that appearance, and
c) only because the change has apparently made me sexually attractive to him,

I'm going to find the nicest possible way to tell him to get lost. I'm not alone in this.

How (or whether) this applies to you, your neighbor, and your situation, only you can judge.

posted by Elsa 08 December | 23:37

What Elsa said.

posted by Miko 08 December | 23:40

crush-onastick:

Basically, neutral, pleasant compliments are nice. Anything that references my weight or suggests that I've done something amazing by not eating for three months pisses me off. You have no idea why or how she's lost weight. You have no idea how she feels about it and the only possible way to pay her a compliment without implying she looked fat before is to simply tell her she looks good. If you don't want to step on Boyfriend's toes, you frame it by referencing what she's wearing.

rainbaby:

For some reason, people I haven't seen in a few months will compliment my looks and say "have you lost weight?" even if I haven't. And that's awful. Because either people are lying, or people remember me as a big fat fattie and are amazed that they remembered me wrong, which is hard to deal with.

Thanks ladies, these were actually informative. It didnt even cross my mind that the weight loss might be due to a bad thing. I have been in good shape for most of my life so I always assumed weight loss was a goal for others and not a symptom of something else.

jonmc

I dont think I understand your comment. I think your implying my posts are juvenile and/or unsophisticated. This is ironic, since you end your remark with a reference to farting. I consider my coffee post one of my most successful, both in terms of the quantity of replies and their usefulness. As a matter of fact, you posted to that thread. Twice. And they were very useful posts at that. I ask these questions because I think most of the members of this site are very interesting, intelligent, and eager to spill forth whatever data or experiences that are asked of them. If you dont like my posts, and this goes for all of you, just ignore them.

posted by Brandon1600 08 December | 23:54

I dont think I understand your comment. I think your implying my posts are juvenile and/or unsophisticated.

No, it implies that you are always asking for advice on topics that are best informed by experience.

This is ironic, since you end your remark with a reference to farting.

You catch on quick.

posted by jonmc 09 December | 00:01

people I haven't seen in a few months will compliment my looks and say "have you lost weight?" even if I haven't.

Yea, that happens to me too, particularly at Christmas. My aunt and uncle say it every year ("Wow, look at you, how do you do it, HOW DO YOU DO IT??"). Had I lost weight at the rate they seem to imply every year, I don't know that I'd still be able to function.

You have no idea how she feels about it and the only possible way to pay her a compliment without implying...

Yes! I despise a compliment that is really an opinion in disguise. "Oh, wow, I like your hair, it looks SO great now that you're growing it out!" That's not a compliment, that's someone who wants to make sure I know that they don't like short hair. Who gives a fuck, keep your opinion to yourself.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 09 December | 00:04

when I was weight training a lot, I looked the best I have in years, although my weight was up from what it had been before

Yup. I'm there now -- several sizes down from where I was a year or two ago, because I'm working out like a fiend these days and am now ridiculously strong. I look pretty nice, if I do say so myself, but I in fact weigh a whole fucking lot, and when patronizing twerps make bad guesses about my private stats, it's a strain to take it as a compliment.

posted by tangerine 09 December | 00:20

The other thing that you might note in these responses, Brandon1600, is that when you compliment a woman based on a change in her appearance, you're running the risk that her opinion of you will drop. Women's lives are full of guys that only reward them with compliments when they live up to the guy's fantasy of how a woman should appear - whether it's her hair, her clothing (picture Olivia Newton John's 'transformation' in Grease...), her flirtatiousness, or her weigh.

If she's involved, herself, in wanting to resemble your fantasy, she'll be flattered you noticed. Some women do, indeed, change their appearance in order to appear more desirable to a specific male audience (or even a female audience when there are body-image disorders or competitive factors at work) And some women become so obsessed with this concern that they do damage to their health.

But if she's aiming for something else - just good health, getting out of the pre-diabetic category, the ability to complete a leukemia/lymphoma benefit race because of a dying friend or sibling, a better self-concept, an impending job transition, pleasing her specific boyfriend, needing a change, a part in a play -- she may find your comments reflective of nothing buy yet another guy who didn't even see her until the day she started fitting the mold. And those aren't always the guys women are after.

It depends where she's coming from.

posted by Miko 09 December | 00:59

Wait until she's walking away from you and when she's almost out of ear-shot yell, "Oh shit! I'd hit it!" Then duck inside the door or hallway so she won't see you when she turns around. Then go home and send a big check to NOW.

posted by mullacc 09 December | 02:21

I'd say wait two or three years to make sure it "takes".

posted by taz 09 December | 03:37

Since over 90% of diets fail, and most dieters gain back the weight they lost, plus extra, you're probably better off just finding someone you find 'tempting' to begin with. Then, immediately ask to meet her mom, because if she's a skinny thing now, she might be tubby as hell down the road. So meet her mom and dad, and her grandparents too. If they're all slim, then she's going to stay nice and slender for you. If not, move along son. You don't want to get stuck with a heifer.

posted by SassHat 09 December | 04:24

Unless you're really just looking for a one-time quickie right there in the hall, in which case, kill her dog.

posted by taz 09 December | 05:16

I always just skip the compliments.

posted by chuckdarwin 09 December | 07:40

I'd say wait two or three years to make sure it "takes".

taz, you just made me snarf hot coffee. ow.

posted by crush-onastick 09 December | 08:32

Yes! I despise a compliment that is really an opinion in disguise. "Oh, wow, I like your hair, it looks SO great now that you're growing it out!" That's not a compliment, that's someone who wants to make sure I know that they don't like short hair. Who gives a fuck, keep your opinion to yourself.

Hah, TPS, that exact thing happened to me several months ago. A woman I only see twice a year at our conferences came up to me and exclaimed, "Wow, Karen, you look SO MUCH BETTER with your hair long. Really, you look hot! SO MUCH BETTER."

Because I was at a work event, I could not punch her in the face or even say what I wanted to. Luckily several coworkers also witnessed this and it is now a favorite story about what an asshole this lady is.

posted by misskaz 09 December | 09:48

I had no idea a compliment could be interpreted in so many different ways. I'm glad I asked. I think I may go with chuckdarwin's idea. It seems the only winning move is not to play.

posted by Brandon1600 09 December | 10:17

Wait wait wait wait now. A compliment is a GOOD thing, but stick to something safe - if, one day, she's done up her hair and is wearing a slamming dress, then I think you're safe saying, "Wow, you look amazing!", because she's made an effort on her appearance and can take your comment as "I appreciate and value the effort you've taken today." But if she's taking out the trash in her PJs and slippers, and you say, "Wow, you look amazing recently," then she's going to think "This guy is crazy and also possibly a stalker."

posted by muddgirl 09 December | 10:31

Well, my theory is that men's and women's experiences are very different when it comes to compliments. Guys get complimented so rarely (especially on appearance) that we just take it at face value and enjoy the ego boost. Women, by the time they're adults, have heard so many compliments (often with ulterior motives) that they'd naturally be more suspicious.

But I could be wrong.

posted by jonmc 09 December | 10:34

If they're all slim, then she's going to stay nice and slender for you. If not, move along son. You don't want to get stuck with a heifer.

I know, and then there's no way to control for the potential of horrible facial disfigurement from some kind of accident, or even for debilitating physical injury requiring colostomy or wheelchair support. Just like a woman to screw up her appearance like that once she catches a man, amirite?

posted by Miko 09 December | 11:43

I've never been offended when someone says "you've lost weight."

But, that was my goal, and it was always from friends and coworkers who had seen me dieting and so on for ages.

If I lost weight because I had mono or had been extremely depressed for months or something, well, I would not take it so happily.

posted by kellydamnit 09 December | 11:49

jonmc: Well, my theory is that men's and women's experiences are very different when it comes to compliments. Guys get complimented so rarely (especially on appearance) that we just take it at face value and enjoy the ego boost. Women, by the time they're adults, have heard so many compliments (often with ulterior motives) that they'd naturally be more suspicious.

Exactly, at least as far as I can comment about the female half of that experience. Though sometimes it's less "suspicious" than "annoyed" or "tired of it." Even if people have no ulterior motives, the very fact that women's bodies are somehow public property on which the populace at large gets to vote, out loud and to our faces, ends up highly exhausting.

posted by occhiblu 09 December | 12:31

We're agreeing? That hockey game in hell must be starting.;>

posted by jonmc 09 December | 12:37

I know! I was reading your comment and thinking, "YES! This person gets it!" and then saw your name at the end of it and started laughing. In a good way. :-)

Tis obviously the season of peace and goodwill!

posted by occhiblu 09 December | 12:51

Heh. Have a glass of Blithering Idiot and join this thread.

(of course, the last time I was 'complimented' by a woman, I was in line at the supermarket buying beer and I got carded and I said to the teenaged cashier 'I'm old enough to be your father,' and the woman behind me said 'Really?' and I said 'I'm 36.' She said 'you look great,' which dosen't mean 'you're attractive' so much as it means 'you don't look like a middle-aged slob.')

posted by jonmc 09 December | 14:58

which dosen't mean 'you're attractive' so much as it means 'you don't look like a middle-aged slob.'

Ha! My favorite backhanded compliment of the week came from The Fella's boss' wife, who mentioned my prematurely gray head of hair and asked him how old I was.

"Oh, she has great skin. I took one look at her face and thought, 'I bet she's not nearly as old as everyone thinks.' "

He and I looked at each other and had to look away immediately to avoid bursting out laughing. She and I had this exact same conversation last year, too.

posted by Elsa 09 December | 15:16

Well, this thread makes it pretty clear how to go about this.

Don't - run away, run away!

posted by dg 10 December | 03:51

It seems the only winning move is not to play.

Or, at least, DON'T BRING IT UP. If the person is a friend, they will say (at some point) "can you tell I've lost weight?" or "damn this diet" or somesuch, and THEN you can enthuse. Otherwise, stick to other topics. If you don't know the person well (or don't really like them), stick to safe subjects like weather. If you know them a little, you can discuss sport/entertainment (depending).

Weight is PERSONAL and shouldn't be commented on by mere acquaintances.

posted by chuckdarwin 10 December | 04:11

this thread is very sad. it reminds me of the guy on mefi who explained that he saw a child cry at the mall and didn't stop to ask him if he needed help because he didn't want people to think he was a paedophile.

jesus fucking christ, a compliment (and I repeat, a COMPLIMENT, not some wolf whistle or lewd comment or similarly horrendous, despicable thing) is just a compliment. it's a very natural thing to compliment people, splitting hairs ("motives"? how about they simply think you look GOOD?) like this is just sad.

having to think for ten minutes whether or not to say "hey, you look good" to someone because you'll be treated like some sort of rapist is the result of a Puritanical mindset that is also politically counterproductive -- that's what backlashes are for (just check out the roster of justices sitting in the current Supreme Court).

supporting equal rights is one (morally necessary) thing. policing natural human interaction (again, when it is not lewd or openly rude, etc) on the other hand is just wrong.

posted by matteo 10 December | 12:16

having said that, to answer the poster's question: she lives down the hall and has a live-in boyfriend. the potential for drama -- in the very unlikely case that you can actually end up dating her -- is off the hook. reconsider the idea of hitting on her. it's a bad idea.

posted by matteo 10 December | 12:20

Matteo, I don't think anyone objects to compliments per se. A run-of-the-mill casual compliment -- "hey, you look nice", as in your example, is generally fine.

But there's something pretty off-base about this situation: evidently the neighbor wasn't worth a second look when she was bigger, but now that she's knocked off some pudge she's so irresistably hot that our protagonist is not only considering complimenting her, but is contemplating the "importance" of her boyfriend. I call that several different kinds of wrong. It's no surprise that it spawned a discussion about how and when compliments come off as creepy. Because you know what? Sometimes they do.

posted by tangerine 10 December | 15:33

08 December 2007