Addendum: She's a young woman in her first marriage, and has issues with me cooking for them; I think she feels that I'm stepping on her toes. So that's pretty much out.

Do their grocery shopping and/or cook for them. That's about the only way I know how to help in situations like this.

On preview: Damn. I have nothing to offer.

Yeah, that was my first instinct, too. I'm pretty much known as the family chef, so when they put me up for a couple of weeks when I first moved here, I cooked for them as a way to make up for taking their space. She was not happy about it--she didn't say as much, but the looks I got when guests commented on my cooking and not hers spoke volumes. We're just getting along, so I don't want to make that mistake again.

So very sorry to hear. hugs to you and them.

Does she work? If so, perhaps you can step in and help out with some of the numerous visits he will make to the doctor's office, etc.

Also, if they are receptive, read up about his specific type of cancer cell and various treatment protocols. There's so much information out there, it's hard to filter it all with the enormity of their situation.

Provide him with something to occupy his mind. My hubby (different cancer) kept working until the point when an opportunistic infection took over, but your uncle may not be able to. The treatments are cumulative and difficult to rebound from one to the other. Keep the things short - maybe sitcoms, old tv shows he likes.

Send cards through the mail. We had mostly bills come in - it would have been nice to get something friendly once in a while.

And, that brings to mind the insurance.... it's awful to try to sort through. The bills come months after a treatment and it's hard to know which one's for which thing because they all run together. If you are allowed to help keep that organized it will be the most helpful thing of all...

You might dip your toe in, elizard. Taking over someone's kitchen when you're living with them is different from helping cook during a crisis. It might take some time for HER to realize that, but I wonder if your conscientious trepidation is stronger than her pride.

Other than that, you can make it clear -- often -- that you're willing to do whatever they need help with. A lot of times it takes people a while to agree to accepting help (and honestly, for a while, they probably need to refuse it), but sometimes being obviously available is the best you can do.

Sorry you and your family are going through this. :(

You can always reframe that as being the sous chef, rather than head chef—no one likes prep work.

IANAD, but I'm an old guy, with old buddies these days, so prostrate cancer and its treatment keeps coming up in my circles. Anecdotally, prostrate cancer treatment and care seems still highly dependent on the particulars of the case. You know it's not good when the disease spreads out of the prostrate. He'll probably be in for radiation and chemotherapy after surgery, but the specifics of all that have to come from his doctors.

I can say that different men handle all this very differently. Some guys have to fight the fight alone. They can't accept assistance, and fully marshal their own resources. They don't want to talk about prognosis. They just grind through treatment, and it can be tough to watch, but you don't make it easier by asking for ways you can help, or butting in.

Other men fall into the loving laps of their families, and fight for their lives joined hand in hand with whatever hands will be there to grasp. They're effective in accepting help, and the help they get is the better, for being wanted by a grateful heart.

And of course, there are guys who start out gruff, get overwhelmed, and are transformed by the process. Several cancer survivors I know even talk about this as "the gift of cancer."

I think you've got to cut 'em a lot of slack in coming months, and be guided by what you see and hear from them. You can't push your solutions on them, and you can't be hurt if they pull away from you. But I also hope that in the case they reach out to you, you'll be able to respond to your own standards. I've seen well meaning, reasonable people overwhelmed in being asked for help they ultimately couldn't provide, and have no sense, going in, that that was what would happen.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

Are there other household chores you can help with? I know you're pretty physical so maybe outside stuff? Mowing lawns, cleaning gutters, that sort of thing.

Also, helping to run errands and such might be good.

Remember to ask them what they might want you to do since they have a problem asking.

This whole thing sucks and I hope it all works out, (((elizard))).

I have no advice for you, elizard. I just want you to know that I'm really sorry.

I don't have any advice either, but I wanted to tell you my thoughts are with you and your family.

I was going to say cook for them, but, oh, well. Probably errands and yard work, chopping wood, etc., will be good. Bring cat food. Read out loud to him from his favorite books.

I never met your uncle but he sounds like an awesome guy. I wish him the best through all of this. And big hugs to you.

I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this.

Other than that, you can make it clear -- often -- that you're willing to do whatever they need help with.

I heartily nth this sentiment. In a difficult time, they may not be focused enough to think of ways you can help, so it might be useful to include with offer a list of tasks, for example: "I'd like very much to help out with anything you need done --- grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning the catbox --- or anything you can think of."

When I've been in their shoes, if someone had said, "Hey, what if I [run a load of laundry / restock the woodpile / do those dishes for you], or is there sometthing else that would be helpful?" I would have been profoundly grateful. For some of us, cooking restores a sense of normal life, so that task may actually be relaxing for her.

Often, it's the littlest tasks that make a big difference, which is why I gave the example of the catbox. It could be dogwalking or a trip to the post office or addressing Christmas cards or any dumb thing.

Sorry to hear, e. Just knowing you're there for them I'm sure is a great comfort. All the best to you and your uncle.