May be time for tough love. If you continue enabling, you're likely to become a co-dependent in this mess.

It sounds like your sister and my sister should have a contest.

My sister (who is in her 30s) lives at mom's house (rent-free), does fuck-all except moan, and has somehow managed to acquire $150,000 of debt. She and I haven't spoken properly in a couple of years and my kids hardly know who she is. She's a little self-involved (she's obsessed with a lawsuit that's been pending for years).

I guess I should be thankful that I don't have to deal with her directly.

p.s. Fuck Vista. It's my JOB to dealt with Windoze users, and I haven't so much as booted it up or read a single article on its new menu structure. I'm waiting until they release a service pack.

netbros, the financial bail-out was a one-off, and she knows that. If (when) she gets herself into the shit again, I'm not helping her.

What hurts and disappoints me is that she thinks it's just fine to spend money on a computer before repaying a single penny of the money I paid out for her. And it was a lot, I had to dip deep into the money I'd borrowed to renovate my own home in order to keep her in her own home.

God Jan, those of us following this wonder where the hell your patience comes from? I mean we all have dysfunctional families to a greater or lesser extent, but this is hurting you so much.
All that lovely psychobabble about you being in control of your own reactions is only worth a hill of beans when the one who is hurting you, REPEATEDLY, has flown in under the radar because they get an automatic in as a loved one.
You will always be hurt and disappointed by her because she just doesn't give a fuck, have you decided that you can take this on an almost monthly/six-monthly basis??

And it was a lot, I had to dip deep into the money I'd borrowed to renovate my own home in order to keep her in her own home.

That is just beyond the pale. You should ask her for payments (something my sister promised to do but never followed through with - she owes my mom $50,000).

I just sent her a text telling her how hurt and disappointed I am that she has chosen to buy a computer while there are still debts owed to others. I wonder if she will realise that I am talking about the money I paid for her.

To be honest, I never expected to see a penny of it back because she always gives me the impression that she lives hand to mouth, but this is a slap in the face, and is typical of her life-long expectation of others taking care of her.

It's not about the money - it's about the lack of acknowledgement of any responsibility to repay me, as if I don't matter at all.

That was my point ... as if you don't matter. I think you've taken the appropriate step. It will get better. You know that from your previous self-help experience.

She just sent me a text back:

"Yes, I am so sorry, the same thought came 2 me before i even read your message so i will put you a cheque in the post me being thoughtless again and not thinking straight didn't mean any malice by it."

So now I'm thinking where the fuck has she got the money from? Three months ago she didn't have a pot to piss in - I know, I saw her bank and credit card statements. But at least she's owned up to her responsibility in this. And I will now be able to finish decorating this place (or most of it - I'm not paying out for the kitchen to be done until the structural work to the outside wall is completed by the insurers).

Also I am glad that my 12-step programme taught me how to deal with resentments. I didn't allow this to grow. I needed to nip the pain in the bud, tell her how I felt, but not over the phone where I might say the wrong thing. When I was drinking I never knew how to deal with these things, so I'd just drink more to numb the feelings, and the resentment would fester, sometimes for years. Not healthy.

But I do need to keep a distance between me and her. She is a drain.

So now I'm thinking where the fuck has she got the money from?

Just pray that it's not another credit card.

No offense, but I would've been out of that relationship long ago, sister or no sister. Then again, if everyone took that attitude I would've been in even deeper shit years ago when I was the family fuckup.

Eedge - don't mess around with couching things in a vague way with your sister. Tell her exactly how you feel and don't fuck around with statements like "I hope she will realize I'm talking about her with my text message". The best way is to be direct.

If you are vague with her, you're being vague with yourself.

People who do the shit your sister does are just making a huge net of drama to trap everyone around them with.

I have seen constant posts like these about both your sister and your ex and then the followups about how they wound up being enabled by you. I think that you are a good person, but that you are codependent. This is not an attack, it is an observation.

ej, you are such a wonder. seriously, i have been following your sister saga all year and each time you write about it i am amazed by (a) your strength to say no when you have to and (b) your supportiveness in spite of being angry.

my mom is in a very similar situation right now to your sister's -- she has suddenly made all these huge life decisions and is trying to soak me for money, which i don't have. she does this every few months and it is absolutely impossible to be around her when she does. she went to a psychiatrist twice after her gp and i convinced her it was the only way she'd get disability, but then she stopped. now she won't even see her gp. it seems like she might be bipolar, but she's so irrational at times like these that she just will not listen to anyone about anything. if you give her advice, she accuses you of being critical.

what i'm saying is, i'm having a hard time handling my mom, but you give me a bit of inspiration. knowing that you're over there doing what you can for your sister but setting boundaries is just ... helpful.

i'm sorry your sister is back on the crazy train, and i'm sorry you are having to deal with the fallout. i know how hard it is. but as i said, you amaze me. (dammit, i wish i'd gotten to meet you when you were in nyc last. when are you coming back???)

(((hugs)))

Funny you should mention this. I lent my sister some $$ back in the spring to help them with their battle for custody of her stepdaughter. They promised to pay me back at the end of the summer. Usually, I'm pretty relaxed about that kind of thing, but she just got back from a trip to CA and announced last week that they were planning to go to Vegas in January. Are you effing KIDDING ME?

I e-mailed her yesterday and asked when she was planning to pay me back. She seemed kind of blindsided and gave me an "I'll get back to you on that." So, we'll see.

I think we both need to hand out copies of "The Ant and the Grasshopper" for Christmas, jan.

Oh, essexjan, I hate that you have to deal with this.

(and again I give thanks for my status as an only child...)

And I will now be able to finish decorating this place (or most of it - I'm not paying out for the kitchen to be done until the structural work to the outside wall is completed by the insurers).
I'm sure you don't need to be reminded not to spend the money until the cheque clears ...

You're too nice, that's your problem. Which is better than being the reverse, but sometimes it's gonna suck to be that way. Such is life.

Yeah, my brother's been in messes like this most of his life. He was a very successful attorney with his own practice for many decades (he's 64), but now he's gotten into such financial straits that he's lost his house and his office. My mom and other brother have tried to help him as much as possible (I can't afford to, alas), but my mom, though she has assets, is still on something of a fixed income. As it is, she's paid for his insurance, his secretary, his moving expenses, his rent, even his electricity... it's just too much for her. I feel so bad when I call and she's so upset. She's 92 years old, and she deserves a little peace and quiet in her life all ready.

But of course she has to help. He's her son, and my brother (for better or worse), I wouldn't want her to do anything else, as long as she has the money and it doesn't jeopardize her, which it doesn't really. My aunt told my mom that she should just "take care of herself" and not help him, which may well have meant he'd end up homeless. Who could be so cold? I know my aunt would never do that to her own children. It's not like he's a criminal or drug addict. His business failed. Yes, he's been irresponsible and negligent about saving money over the years, but he's not a bad guy. He should start collecting social security next year, which should help a lot.

What really burns me, though, is when he went and bought a BIG SCREEN TV after he just lost his house and "borrowed" so much money from my mom. He's a hopeless compulsive spender, I'm afraid. But he has a good heart. Luckily, my other brother, who's a doctor, keeps a reign on the money my mom puts out and will only let her give so much. Never mind that I was the only one in my entire extended family who had to put herself through graduate school, after my father died. Luckily, I got a scholarship, but I'm still paying back student loan money, too. (I haven't always been so financially wise, either.) Not that I'm bitter or anything.

Anyway, all the best with your sister. My advice, for what it's worth, is to help her as much as you feel comfortable doing (as long as it doesn't put you in jeopardy), don't expect to be paid back, and try to enjoy the relationship as much as you can, separate from the money. In my view, it doesn't really do any good to tell her how you feel; she'll never get it. And as far as being "codependent," who isn't? Not to be corny, but we all need each other. The only way to avoid so-called codependence is to live in a box.

(Besides, now she can join MeCha ; )

(Besides, now she can join MeCha ; )

Thankfully her technical ineptitude is such that she is only able to visit websites that are in her 'favourites' because she doesn't know how to use the address bar, only Google, which is her home page. So she'll Google, say, 'dachshunds' and then bookmark a few sites, then do the same with springer spaniels, guinea pigs, etc, etc.

I have to admit to a certain amount (which is not a small amount) of resentment envy for people who have great computers although they don't know how to use them for more than email and rudimentary browsing. I don't envy people their fancy cars or big houses or expensive jewelry at all... but I might stab them in the ribs for their computers. And their fabulously stocked libraries, when they're only for show.

(and maybe the wine cellar. Certainly the wine cellar.)

It's really great that you sent her a text telling her how you feel, and I sincerely hope that you get paid. Hugs!

Hmmm.... Guess that cross-atlantic yowl of horror wasn't you, ej. : )

(What I hate, taz, is when I shell out top dollar for what is supposed to be top notch, and two months later there's a machine twice as good for half the dough. Not fair, I say. Not fair. Who do I stab?)

Wow! You have my sympathies. Good liuck. You're a good sis.

I have no clue where the money came from.

Dell has monthly payments of around $30 (USD.) No interest for maybe a year.

Then interest of--what is it now?--27%! Ghaaah.

For 800 bob she should have got a 'puter with a dual-core processor, MEGA-video card, 64 bit/4 gig OS, min. 320 gigs, etc. etc. In short, the kind of system needed by someone who is LIVES to be SICK into video games, or who uses, like, 3D modelling programs like Amorphium, does Flash animations, and plays with AutoCad all at the same time. I'm almost jealous.

But, anyway, tenner-to-one it was someplace like Dell that does gracious "financing"... and she'll be paying for that system for ten years or more. Since you asked.

shane, it's this tower, and this monitor. I think they threw in a wireless keyboard and mouse for free. And she told me she paid cash.

She does not deserve this PC. It's wasted on her.

(((essexjan)))

If I believed in saints, you'd definitely be nominated.

Quad? That computer would be wasted on me, and I've been running a lot of memory/processor speed-hungry graphics programs lately. Your sis doesn't know how to drive and she just bought a race car.

{{Jan}}}

Most family just sucks most of the time, LOL. That's why holidays is so fun!
;-)

Pips, compulsive spending is an addiction too...and yeah, we need each other, but it has to be mutually give and take. Ej, I haven't gotten the feeling from any of your posts that your sister will ever be this way---I've said before that George's relatives seem to be more family to you than your biological sister.