I have spent too much time in the dark contemplating the future of an illusion →[More:] Post title paraphrases Herbert Blau.

The play I’m directing previews tonight. I haven’t directed in a long time, and I had forgotten what an insane thing it is to do. I think the performance instinct is pretty obvious and universal, regardless of if you have it or don’t, or to what degree. But where oh where does this impulse come from to orchestrate hours of time to tell a story? The pressure and the research and the details and the communications are killer. Choreographers are in the same boat, and I can not even begin to fathom what personal demons a filmmaker goes through, although that results in a semi permanent, tangible thing.

And it’s lonely. I’m the boss. All my time went into this, even computer time, I’ve neglected email pals because if I have to email I’m writing things like “can the streamers be a different color, can you take off your glasses before you look up, for the love of pete shut the damn door after the scene change” and stuff like that. Do you know how many hours it takes to teach oneself to Sham Tango and then find music and teach six other people how to do a Sham Tango number? Days worth of hours. But hey, I have Sham Tango skills, if you ever need them.

So bunnies, I’m feeling quite Glenn Close in “Cookie’s Fortune.” If anyone asks you to take charge of the pageant, think thrice! The honor and the money sounded good at the time, but now I’m just hoping to make it through this week. Please send me your psychic support? ME. Support ME. (The show is fine – on a par quality level of what this theatre usually produces, and I’ve taught some actors some things and learned about process myself.)