"They're all lies."

You give a big smile and say, "All good things, I hope!" Then change the subject.

The standard response I've always heard is "all good, I hope?"

I always say, "Really? Like what, for instance?"

It's about 80% space-filler. Most of the time, the best you can do is a mild cliche of a joke.

If 'they're all lies' is too edgy and Sarah Silverman-esque, you could maybe try "Mostly good things, I hope," or "I've heard a lot about you too," maybe followed by, y'know, an open-ended question involving some fact about the person. "So, box, do you still have that tendency to overexplain?" Something like that.

Heh, box. Problem is, most of the time it's someone I've heard more-or-less nothing about.

"...So. I hear you're Jim's sister. How's that working out for you?"

I look quickly left and right, and say, "Uh oh."

I usually lie, really obviously.
"well, the clown came on to me first."
"You know, it's funny, I never would have thought I'd be remembered for that, but those orphans just can't let shit go, can they?"

Stuff like that. Since it's like "how are you." people don't even listen to the answer most of the time.

I always say, "It's a prosthetic."

"But (s)he just rescinded the restraining order."

Raise one eyebrow and give a closed mouth smile. Stare at the person until they say something else.

"Kid, you ain't heard nothin' yet!"

Then produce a top hat and cane out of thin air, roll the hat up your arm while genuflecting slightly so that the hat lands atop your head, swing your cane around in a big swooping circle, and then tap like you've never tapped before!

""I've heard so much about you!"

I think people sometimes say this, hoping to open conversation. So, when I hear it at an introduction, I generally say something to the effect of "Whom may I acknowledge, for that mention, and when might you have last talked with them?"

It's good to say nothing, thereafter, until they have. If the silence builds, it builds. If they launch into anecdotes, they'll appreciate rapt attention. The advantage of growing older, is that I don't mind social silences stretching into hours, if needs be, or anecdotes that seemingly require can opener introductions.

I say it sometimes as a joke to people who I have heard almost nothing about.

I never said I had a normal sense of humor.

I usually say "uh-oh".

Ask them how much it will cost for their silence.

Proposed responses to "I've heard so much about you!"

"I haven't."

"Yeah, but I heard the exact same about you..."

"So, you're a Howard Stern listener..."

"If you didn't hear them from Olbermann, they're all lies."

"Really; who did you hear it from? I still have a few John Doe defendants on the lawsuit."

"But it's all embargoed until the book comes out."

"The courts have sealed the records on that now..."

or just
"NO SPOILERS!!!"

"Really? I guess I really should start paying my publicist in something other than squares of toilet paper and Ritz crackers."

I usually say, "Oh, well, the bad stuff was all true." or, "Hey, I'm not THAT bad!" or, "I hope you've already heard the worst!" and smile, and change the subject. And hope for the best. Living in a small town, I actually get this a lot, and those responses seem to work. At least I think so. I don't know exactly what the hell they expect you to do or say - Sniff? Look down your nose and go, yeah, I'm famous, fuck off? Blush and become confused? - so I just try to crack a joke and get away. Which is, come to think of it, my standard response to any and all social situations.

Clearly, the correct response is "The puppies were never supposed to be able to get into the particle accelerator!"

"Fuck yeah!"

If it's someone I know something about, I'll say, "I've heard about you too... you just came back from Egypt, I understand? How did you like it there?" Or whatever - use the scrap of information I have.

If I know nothing at all about the person, I make a joke. I might say, "Oh, rilly?" [long and drawn out, raised eyebrow, hand on hip], or "So, you've read my book, then?" [making it *very* obvious it's a joke as soon as that look of "oh, shit" crosses their face]. If they don't seem like people who appreciate jokes, I just say "well, I'm very happy to meet you, too!"

Sometimes I just laugh and smile. I often meet people who really have heard so much about me, because they've been working with my husband on location. Film crews often become like small, temporary families, and they're with him every day for 18 hours a day for weeks at a time, but have never seen me at all. They hear him talking on the phone to me every day. They hear stories about me... and when we meet finally, I'm barely putting together their name with their position on the crew and they're hugging and kissing me like I'm an old friend they never met. Laughing and smiling a lot is the best response.

I did this last night with a young woman called Harriet. My friend Eric had been going on and on about her (the posh bird), so when I was introduced, I automatically said "I've heard all about you." She asked what, but I kept it general; I thought that saying "I think Eric wants to shag you rotten" might have spoilt the vibe of the evening.

I love it when I bump into these upper class girls at the pub. Posh people of a certain age are invariably embarrassed about how posh they sound. "I can't help if it mummy made me take elocution lessons!"

Anyway, she was a funny old thing; she'd been all around the world at the age of 22 (on NO money, she was quick to point out). She made a big deal of the fact that she wasn't slumming. "My driver in Kuala Lampur was so funny!"

It's my goal to meet Prudence, Hortense, and someone named Hermione who wasn't named after the fictional character. I'm playing at the hotel tonight. Maybe one of them will show up.

(I'm friends with a pretty posh bloke called Alexander, as well. He's an ex-Londoner whose always glad to see me. I think it's because I'm the only person in town who reads Cormac McCarthy)

Good luck with the Hermione thing. It appears in Greek Mythology and Shakespeare's A Winter's Tale. And quite a few other works of fiction. Why do you care about people's parents' naming processes? Assuming you are a Charles (and even if you're not), that's a name in fiction. Does being named after, what, a family member or a politician make the same name better in your book? WHY?

what's up, rainbaby? I think he was making the point that Hermione's over a certain age are usually from a certain social class. Hermione's under the age of, say 15, are probably a bit harder to pin down, since HP was so popular.

"Yeah, but you gotta see it to believe it." *reaches for zipper*

rainbaby, I think he might one specific recent Hermione character.

Oh, dear... I was kidding :-(

My point (that I love meeting really posh Englishwomen) didn't come across properly. I was saying (in jest, mind) that I want to meet a "REAL Hermione" - not one who was named after the girl in the Harry Potter books.

Ah. Ok. It read to me as if you don't love meeting really posh Englishwomen, that in fact, you had great contempt for them. I don't know why exactly I got that chuckdarwin, that's just how you always "sound" to me. You even said "I love it when." I guess it seemed like you went on to insult her. That wasn't your intent. That's cool. I'll make an effort to make you sound different in my head somehow.

My point was about making assumptions about people based on their names. Say my name is Rain. You might meet me, and assume that my parents were hippies. You might be correct about how I got my name. That doesn't mean that I'm a hippie. I could have rebelled and become a radical conservative or something.

Ah. Ok. It read to me as if you don't love meeting really posh Englishwomen, that in fact, you had great contempt for them.

I'm no class warrior. I found Harriet to be great fun, honestly. I hope I run into her on Saturday. Alexander is one of my best friends; he's brilliant and very self-effacing about his posh demeanour.


I don't know why exactly I got that chuckdarwin, that's just how you always "sound" to me. You even said "I love it when." I guess it seemed like you went on to insult her.

Taking the piss out of everyone (especially the upper classes) is just how British people show affection for each other. I guess it just doesn't come across well in print. (hence the dreaded :-) thing)

That wasn't your intent. That's cool. I'll make an effort to make you sound different in my head somehow.

Personality is hard to transfer onto a screen. I guess I'm pretty lousy at it. Stuff I would normally SAY (with a sarcastic/playful/overtly ironic expression and tone) only serves to make me unlikable online.

My point was about making assumptions about people based on their names. Say my name is Rain. You might meet me, and assume that my parents were hippies. You might be correct about how I got my name. That doesn't mean that I'm a hippie. I could have rebelled and become a radical conservative or something.

Indeed! Harriet (who was obviously boarding-school educated and very wealthy) was doing her level best to 'act common' - something I found immensely charming and very amusing in equal measures. I knew a famous violinist around here who acted the same way, even putting on a really fake mockney accent. I loved the guy... but I still took the piss out of his accent (as he did with mine)! He wouldn't have respected me otherwise.