Of course his father, being a married man, sat down and cried also.

The joke is complete, IMO.

HOEP THIS WORKS SPEXX..(sorry for the language)


There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying, "All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to change seats, change seats now 'cause the train's getting ready to leave. Whoo whooooo."

The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him, "Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up, you can't play with your train set for two hours." So the boy took his nap and didn't even mention his train set for two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say.

The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said, "Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen, who want to get on the train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen, who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a bitches who are pissed 'cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the bitch in the kitchen.

This guy had a bad headache so he took aspirin. No Help. He tried Aleve and ibuprofen, Tylenol, no help. After a week he went to the doctor, who gave him stringer drugs. No help at all. He got a referral to a neurologist who did a PET scan, MRI, etc... nothing. He got a referral to a psychiatrist, a Freudian, who told him, "if you see me 3 days a week I think we can make some progress in a few years. No, too long. So the guy tries New Age stuff: crystals, aroma-therapy, herbal cures, etc. Nothing helps.

Now it's been months and the guy meets a surgeon at a party and talks to him. The surgeon agrees to see him the next day. After the exam the surgeon says, "I can cure you, but you may not like it." The guy asks why? "Your balls are too big, your headache is from pressure on your balls; it won't go away until you get rid of them." The goes home to think it over. That night the headache is crushing, so he calls the next day and schedules the surgery.

After the operation the guy wakes up in Post Op without a headache. It wonderful! But he has no balls, so he's kind of depressed. His wife says, "Honey. why don't you do what I do when I get down? Go out and buy some new clothes."

So the guy goes out the next day to real tailor, not a department store, and says, "I want seven of everything: seven different suits, seven shirts, seven new pairs of shoes, the whole thing." The tailor starts measuring him...After a few minutes the tailor asks, "And do you want seven pairs of size 42 shorts to go along with everything else?" The guys say, "Yes, but I wear 36." "Oh no sir," says the tailor, "36 would squeeze your balls and give you a headache!"

This is a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us." My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock..."

This joke thread is much more profanity-heavy than the ones I remember. I'm a fan.

Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on?

A: Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.''

Why did the blonde starve to death in the shower?

The shampoo bottle said, "Lather, rinse, repeat"

Why do blondes in San Francisco wear skirts?

To cover their balls.

What were the redneck's last words?

"Hey, y'all! Watch this!"

What were his brother's last words?

"Hell, I can do that."

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

The joke is complete, IMO.

Yeah, that's the whole joke. I meant "here's what I got" to be more of a hey-what-do-you-gots invitation to post your own joke.

And thanks, keep 'em coming.

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and flappy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

Not exactly jokes, but Peter Kay-isms.

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 5378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
9) Everyone who has just read no.5 has just typed it into a calculator.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

This pirate walks into a doctor office with a steering wheel stuck in his pants.
"That's got to be uncomfortable," said the doctor.

"Argh!" said the pirate. "It's drivin' me nuts!"

I'll be quoting SCIENCE jokes...

A neutron walks into a bar. The bartender slaps a beer down on the bar and says, "For you, no charge!"

A cation walks into a bar and orders a full tumbler of Jaegermeister and tequila. The bartender asks, "Are you sure?" And the cation says, "I'm positive."

What's new? C over lambda!

Also en espanol:

Que hace el pez? Nada!

Two blondes were having breakfast at a cafe.

One of the blonds notices that the headline of the paper on the table next to their's reads "6 Brazilians die in fire".

PSSSSSSST! The blonde asks her friend, "how many is a Brazilian?".

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?



For Drizzle!

A Scottish man walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Scottish man shouts "Awa ye eijit! Can yeh no tell that's foo o coos keich?"
(Translated: Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.)

The man yells back "I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you."

The Scottish man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in!"