MetaChat - Failures of Empathy

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19 September 2007

Failures of Empathy This is a post about people, personality types, mindsets that you just Do Not Get.→[More:]

Here are mine.

I don't understand the mindset of people living in totalitarian states. I don't understand that complete state of fear that leads people not to be open and honest with people they love, for fear that their wife or son or uncle might inform on them and have them sentenced to exile. I have always lived in a free democratic society and been a relatively outspoken kind of guy. The kind of reflexive, terrified conformity that people adopt as a survival tactic just . . it's just something I can't grok. It's so alien to me.

I do not understand extroversion. I am decidedly on the other end of that spectrum and pretty happy with it. But it would be neat to understand how outgoing people view the world.

post by: jason's_planet at: 18:07 | 42 comments

I understand totalitarian mindsets completely.

It's not uncommon here in the states if you are growing pot, gay (in some families/communities), or have medical or mental issues. All it takes is one pissed off person to narc on you to ruin your family's life. If you're the kid of an anti-crime senator and you're smuggling coke for a living, do you think you should be open about it? Or, a family might turn in one of their own for that person's "own good."

posted by small_ruminant 19 September | 18:45

I'm least tolerant of cowardice and waffling but only because I despise how much of it I have in myself.

posted by small_ruminant 19 September | 18:52

Special snowflakes, I guess youd call them, people who desperately need to believe that they are somehoiw different or better than everybody else and who announce it all the time.

posted by jonmc 19 September | 18:54

I don't understand zombies. I mean, you've got me cornered, 100-to-1 - pick up the pace, assholes!

posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson 19 September | 18:58

I am unable to understand people who are racist.

posted by gomichild 19 September | 19:03

You know the people I can't stand?

Practical, organized people. People that have super-organized, clean handbags. People that carry tissues, gel sanitizer, bandaids, and mints at all times. People that carry those little purse calendars from Hallmark and actually use them. People that stash sunscreen and Off! Skintastic Bug Repellent Spray in their cars, just in case! People that never forget an umbrella. People that have nifty little cases to carry their iPods and cellphones. People that carry their kid's goldfish crackers in little Tupperware containers. People that take the time to buy charms that clip onto Crocs. People that are always properly accessorized and matching. People with really clean cars. People that dress in a cute little nightie and pull their hair back in cute little headbands and properly cleanse their precious little faces each night before bed.

These people can suck it. They make me feel shit about myself. :)

posted by LoriFLA 19 September | 19:10

I am unable to understand people who are racist.

Fear of the unknown. Lazy thinking. general bitterness about life and need of a scapegoat and help from governments that encourage it, that's a big chunk of it. Until we completely understand what makes people racist, it'll never entirely go away, I believe.

posted by jonmc 19 September | 19:15

On a more serious note I can barely tolerate people that "work the system". I have a pill popping, drug-addicted acquaintance that "just got fired from my job today." "Can you get me a job?" She was receiving disability checks through the job she was fired from, but they will run out soon. She needs a new job now. Hmm, I guess she isn't disabled any longer.

And hypochondriacs. God, I hate a hypochondriac.

I love bunny hypochondriacs though, if there are any here. I can tune you out.

posted by LoriFLA 19 September | 19:28

It's not about people you hate. It's more about people you don't Get. Like, on a gut level.

You don't understand how they think. You find their world completely alien. You can understand why certain other types of people might feel or think a certain way. But these particular people leave you scratching your head.

posted by jason's_planet 19 September | 19:34

Oh. Like Red Sox fans.

posted by jonmc 19 September | 19:43

Right. I understand JP. I got off on a tangent.

I don't understand people that live in denial. I don't understand people that would rather buy McDonalds than blood pressure meds. Wait. I do understand why these people do this. I understand why people do most things. I understand extroverts, too. I'm one of them.

posted by LoriFLA 19 September | 19:44

I really don't get indirect dishonest types. Sneaky, little two-faced behind the back kinda types. I come across so many people like this in my business and it becomes a time sink to get anything done. Give me straight up, any day.

posted by typewriter 19 September | 19:45

I don't understand people who want to go camping. It's 2007 ffs, we've learned to build hotels and B&Bs so we don't have to sleep outdoors. What is the point of spending 1+ hour setting up camp, only to have to undo it all later? Hotel room: you check in, get your key, set your bags down in the room, DONE in 10 minutes. You want to experience nature, you go for a hike. It's just not normal to want to sleep on the ground in some place that doesn't have a bathroom within 20 feet.

posted by desjardins 19 September | 19:47

ha! good one desjardins.

I don't understand people that don't want to have sex. This is a real head scratcher.

posted by LoriFLA 19 September | 19:48

This is going to sound stupidly specific, but it's based on experience and my feelings carry over into people who act similarly in different contexts. Here goes: I don't understand people who allow themselves to get caught up in charismatic-style revivals. I just don't get how otherwise normal people can buy into the nakedly emotional appeal of the Billy Grahams of the world, and then later not realize that it was simply an emotional state they had allowed themselves to inhabit, and the fact they no longer feel that spiritual high they felt then is not a sign that they are bad people. The same holds true of those who go to self-help seminars, one after another, hoping against logic that this one will stick.

As I get older, I find myself almost pathologically opposed to the current groupthink of whatever group I might be a member of or just happen to find myself in. And I find people who enjoy groupthink just strange.

posted by deadcowdan 19 September | 19:56

Kids and teens are excluded from this...

I don't get adults who have a really childish diet and won't try anything new. Life is short; you might as well put something new on your plate.

I don't get adults who only listen to one really specific type of music all the time, like house music or gangster rap. Live a little!

I don't get the allure of gambling.

posted by chuckdarwin 19 September | 20:03

Y'know, LoriFLA, this little tangent of yours:

People that dress in a cute little nightie and pull their hair back in cute little headbands and properly cleanse their precious little faces each night before bed.

reminded me of something.

I don't Get much of women's experiences of the world. I don't Get a lot of how they interact with each other, talk with each other. It's something I really, really need to work on.

posted by jason's_planet 19 September | 20:14

Seconding chuckdarwin about gambling; it baffles me.

I am also baffled by collectors: people who have shelves and shelves of, say, ceramic owls, and owl teatowels and macrame wall hangings and hooked rugs. Or completist-type collectors, who have to have every single [whatever] ever made--recordings of the Brahms string quartets, Elvis Presley movies, US state quarter, whatever.

posted by kat allison 19 September | 20:17

(Argh. State quarters.)

posted by kat allison 19 September | 20:18

I don't understand confident and successful people, people who had perfectly happy childhoods and then went on to do great things.

I wish I did.

posted by jason's_planet 19 September | 20:33

Girls who mark dark brown outlines around their lips.

posted by StickyCarpet 19 September | 20:39

I don't understand people who, years after they've graduated and moved on, still take college sports so seriously that they devote their every waking moment to following "their team".

I don't understand people who live paycheck to paycheck without health insurance yet proudly vote Republican.

I don't understand people who feel threatened or affronted by homosexuals.

I don't understand men with toupees.

I don't understand why women don't think farts are funny.

posted by BitterOldPunk 19 September | 20:51

I don't understand people who want to go camping.
I don't understand people who want to holiday in hotels which, apart from the wallpaper, are pretty much the same as being at home (except for the room service, of course). But then, I'm a camper ...

posted by dg 19 September | 20:55

I also don't understand people who seem to need to comment on others (usually strangers).

A friend of mine (who has been through some serious medical problems and has gained some weight) was very upset when some stranger told her she was too fat.

I have a mark on my tooth from a childhood accident and was once aggressively told by this wanker to get it fixed.

Why do they feel a need to point out faults in others without solicitation or invitation?

posted by gomichild 19 September | 21:08

I don't understand the rich people who have problems that money can solve. Why get arrested for DUI when you can hire a chauffer/take a cab? Why get in trouble for neglecting your kids when you can hire someone to do the things you don't want to do? If I were rich, I'd be drunk in the back of a Bentley while someone else wiped my kid's ass.

posted by jrossi4r 19 September | 21:31

I don't get alcoholics. On a base level, I just don't get the disease. Complete and utter lack of understanding, which makes it very hard to have empathy for an alcoholic. A friend of mine, drunk, was in a car with his best friend, driving drunk. Driver/best friend wraps car around tree, killing himself and nearly killing my friend. His best friend died in his arm 20 years ago and my friend still gets drunk. Still drives drunk.

My uncle drank himself to death, intentionally. I don't get it. It not only affected his physical and mental health, it also affected the health of all the family members around him, even to this day, even though he died almost fifteen years ago.

It makes me so angry at myself, this total incomprehension of this type of person.

posted by WolfDaddy 19 September | 21:39

For me it's evangelicals and fundamentalists of any stripe. If you really believe this stuff why do you need to hector me with it? I really can't get my mind around it.

posted by arse_hat 19 September | 21:45

I don't get people who don't get other people.

posted by eamondaly 19 September | 22:06

I don't understand:

• People who would rather pretend their problems don't exist than address them. Like, for instance, my own mother, who to this day will not say my father's name or refer to him by anything other than "Him," thus giving the man much more power over her than he should have.
• People who live in abusive situations for years, knowing perfectly well that they and their children are being mistreated, but never do anything about it.
• People who believe there is only one "right" way.
• People who never doubt the existence of an omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent -- and most importantly, entirely good and caring -- God.
• People who think the mentally ill are bad or lazy.
• People who Facebook you when they were your arch nemeses in high school.
• People who think that just about anyone on government assistance is lazy.
• People who try to put things off because they're afraid of them.
• People who are happy.

Essentially, this list comprises all people, including myself.

posted by brina 19 September | 22:32

I love it when I get people. It happens rarely, but frequently enough that I appreciate it so damn much. And I can get people in gropus that I don't normally get.

I have never gotten a person who sells stuff as like a sideline second job. Like, Avon, Mary Kay, Craft stuff, Amway, etc. Home Parties of any kind. I don't get scrapbooking as a way of life. Doesn't mean I couldn't meet someone one day and get it, though.

posted by rainbaby 19 September | 22:51

I hate everyone, especially me.

posted by eekacat 20 September | 00:46

I don't get alcoholics. On a base level, I just don't get the disease.

When I was first trying to get sober I didn't understand the concept of alcoholism as a disease either. I thought it was weakness of character or lack of willpower on my part. It took me a long while to get my head around the idea that it is an illness.

Now, a few years since my last drink, I do understand it. My brain is wired differently. I know that if I have a taste of alcohol, it'll trigger some chain reaction that'll set off a craving, and that craving will not be stilled until I drink.

Coupled with this is the thing that makes alcoholics different from heavy drinkers - once an alcoholic starts drinking, they can't stop of their own volition, no matter how much they want to. Many simply embrace it as their lot in life, and drink until they die or (as has happened to a couple of friends of mine) they end up in a mental hospital due to Korsakov's Syndrome.

posted by essexjan 20 September | 02:14

I don't get Christianity. I find it hard to understand why people who appear to be rational and intelligent in all other ways are able to believe in the story of the Virgin Birth, the Resurrection, etc. I find the whole story preposterous.

I suppose if I knew more about other religions and their beliefs, I would probably feel the same about them too, but I only really know about Christianity because that's the religion I was brought up with. I remember even as a child thinking "this is ridiculous" when being told some Bible story or other.

posted by essexjan 20 September | 02:20

essexjan, the saddest thing to me is that the message of the new testament gets lost amidst all the magic tricks.

Every religion (going back to Rome, Greece, Egypt, Mesopotamia) has had stories about virgin birth, resurrection, feeding the masses, etc. ALL OF THEM.

I don't know whether the silly magic tricks and miracles bother me as much as the fact that they're all so terribly unoriginal.

It screws up the message behind it all (love each other), which is a good message... and that sucks.

posted by chuckdarwin 20 September | 04:49

I don't get my boss and people like him. The man tracks favours (or as he calls them, 'owesies') like he's done hard time. Which he has, but still. I help someone out, others help me out, so it goes. To track every instance of helping someone and then say, 'you owe me [x] favours' is so foreign to me. I really don't get it.

I also second the not getting homophobes. Who cares? What's it to you? *shakes head in bewilderment*

posted by elizard 20 September | 04:57

"Nothing human is alien to me."

posted by BoringPostcards 20 September | 07:07

..."owesies"?

My goodness.

posted by gaspode 20 September | 07:13

I don't get people who are so militantly firm about "their opinion", like pundits. Where's the grey in their black-and-white worlds? I'm constantly uncertain about everything.

I don't get drama queens.

posted by muddgirl 20 September | 09:33

I get everyone but myself.

posted by Hugh Janus 20 September | 09:57

But, but, but - farts are funny!

posted by deborah 20 September | 10:14

I don't get cruelty and abuse: To animals, people, groups, others, the earth. How can you not have empathy for other things/beings?

posted by mightshould 20 September | 10:28

And what mightshould said. I think a lack of empathy makes one less than human.

I don't get pot smoking. To me it's always seemed as something kids do because they're not supposed to, which is something I do understand. I don't understand it continuing into adulthood.

I don't get drinking until drunk when you're not an alcoholic. I know hangovers hurt. That's fun? And the lack of inhibitions people have when drunk? I really didn't need to know about my co-worker's wife-swapping days.

I know I sound like a party pooper. I really am not. What you do on your own time is fine as long as it doesn't negatively affect the people around you (drunk/high drivers, etc.). Plus it's amusing to see what people do when they're wasted. Also note: I have never been drunk or high and I'm sure this affects my point of view on these two things. There's been lots of substance abuse in my family and I certainly don't need to add to it.

posted by deborah 20 September | 14:14

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