MetaChat - Relationships are hard.

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29 August 2007

Relationships are hard. Maybe I'm just bad at them?→[More:]I keep finding myself involved with people who project their issues onto me. Feels like stuff that has NOTHING to do with me (and often has much to do with their last relationship), I find myself judged by. And I have to say, I'm exhausted by it & it doesn't feel fair. I start to wonder if somehow I bring it upon myself, because it has happened more than a few times. Maybe I should just plan to end up an old cat lady... alas, if only I liked cats more.

Another problem, I keep finding myself dating men who overanalyze me. And I don't know why. Like last night I was sitting there with a date just having a nice fun time out with someone I liked, and suddenly he started shining an interrogation light into my face & it kept up all night long, it never really stopped. He started up with "You know what's funny about you?" "You know what's different about you?" "You know what I don't understand about you?" etc. in an odd barrage of analysis that seemed out of the blue and completely freaked me out. He went through all sorts of tiny details of my job and about me... he didn't get why I was working for my current client, he didn't get the wording on my WEBSITE, he didn't get why I never have to go to the bathroom, he didn't get why I have two empty pill bottles in my apartment, all sorts of things. I answered everything honestly, but little by little I felt more and more under a microscope and wow, I didn't like it. It felt like the whole night imploded. And then I started feeling like I shouldn't have been sitting there honestly answering things, that maybe it was the wrong response. And that maybe I just shouldn't like this guy...? Or is it me that's not normal, I don't know.

I just want to be accepted for who I am and have my relationships be a soft place to fall... something relaxing and filled with comfort. Am I being unreasonable or naive or something? It doesn't seem that complex, so I'm starting to think maybe I'm simply bad at romance or something.

Thoughts?

post by: miss lynnster at: 10:50 | 24 comments

Wow, it felt good to get that out of my system.

posted by miss lynnster 29 August | 10:55

I think you're probably just too obliging. "Why are you asking me so many questions, instead of kissing my face off?" is perfectly fair play.

posted by Hermitosis 29 August | 11:05

Very few people don't spend most of their social time projecting things onto others. When they do that in a relationship, it's annoying because you actually care what they think (as opposed to when your boss/bridge partner/lifeguard judges you by the actions of your predecessor -- the sting there depends on how much you care).

You're right, relationships are hard, but just like trips to the bookstore, you get better and better at choosing ones that you'll enjoy without reservations. Or you get lucky.

Or you get good advice. From someone other than me, obviously. I'm just babbling. I shouldn't even hit post.

posted by Hugh Janus 29 August | 11:06

Is this the guy who invited you to Paris on the first date? He sounds a bit weird.

posted by essexjan 29 August | 11:15

It's perfectly fine to say "I really think this doesn't have anything to do with me." and/or "You sure are asking a lot of questions, and I'm starting to feel over-analyzed."

And if a guy delivered to me a barrage of analysis like that, he wouldn't get a second date.

posted by Specklet 29 August | 11:24

Yeah, I know essexjan. That was weird. So this isn't a surprise, and yet it still blindsided me when it was happening. I just don't want to be under a microscope (I already overanalyze myself plenty, thank you) and yet people keep seeming to make unsolicited attempts to dissect & judge me. It puts me on edge after a certain point, y'know?

By the time he got to "Do you take a lot of pills? I notice you had two pill bottles." I was kind of losing it & very ready for him to go away. Too bad too, he was cute.

posted by miss lynnster 29 August | 11:28

Me, too, Specklet! Plus I'd start laughing and giving ridiculous answers.

posted by small_ruminant 29 August | 11:28

And actually, I like hermitosis' answer. I shall note it for future reference. :)

posted by miss lynnster 29 August | 11:30

You know what the problem with you is, miss lynster? You're a carbon-based lifeform. All the cool kids are phosphorus-nitrogen (P-N)-based these days.

posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson 29 August | 11:36

I think this is why I often sit out of relationships. I'm at a point in my life where I am satisfied with my own answers to my own questions and so when people approach me with the same questions I've asked myself and they question my answers it just pisses me off. I've already played the game with myself many times over. The last guy I was in a relationship with simply could not understand that it was okay (even preferable to some extent to me) to just sit and be quiet. And when I told him that being able to just sit with someone was important to me he just couldn't understand WHY I thought that even though I explained to him that I can learn quite a bit more about people if they have the ability to just shut the fuck up and be.

posted by fluffy battle kitten 29 August | 12:00

That interrogation routine gives me the heebie-jeebies; I see a mad control freak in all of that. It's far too close to criticism for comfort. *shudder*

posted by jokeefe 29 August | 12:25

Ya, interrogation is very weird. I would just laugh and be like, why are you asking me all these questions? Then I'd change the subject to something else.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 29 August | 12:27

Relationships aren't hard: it's finding the right person that's the trick. And the best way to do that is to date as much as you can. Remind me to post the Rule of Threes some time.

posted by eamondaly 29 August | 12:54

That interrogation routine definitely sounds creepy. Just watch out for when he starts to tell you how you can change your life to make it better...

posted by King of Prontopia 29 August | 13:08

Run.

posted by chewatadistance 29 August | 13:25

Oh, and I forgot: dump this guy. Yeesh.

posted by eamondaly 29 August | 13:38

Yeah, there has to be a happy medium in there somewhere between Encyclopedia Brown, who you're apparently dating, and the kind of guy I have occasionally dated, who does not only not put you under a microscope but in fact would probably be hard pressed to remember anything about you whatsoever, given that the whole evening was spent in a moment by moment, blow by blow, description of his own interests and life story. You know those guys? Both extremes are harmful to carbon based life forms. DTMFA.

posted by mygothlaundry 29 August | 14:41

I agree with eamondaly, it's not that relationships are hard here, it's that you were on a date with a controlling jerk with no sense of boundaries.

posted by octothorpe 29 August | 14:47

aw, miss lynnster, I'm sorry! And no, you don't deserve to be projected upon. No one does.

Relationships are hard. Maybe I'm just bad at them?
No, the trick is finding people who aren't assholes. There are plenty of those out there, it's just sometimes they're not so easy to discover because of all the shiny things the assholes wave around to get your attention. eamondaly's absolutely correct, so I'll pile on with everyone else who's agreeing with him.

Besides, trust me, for years I was That Girl... you know, the one who got dumped repeatedly, only to discover six months later that the x who dumped me, was subsequently blissfully engaged/married. You want a plate of suck? That's a steaming helping right there. I'd frankly rather get dumped for another man (been there too), as the time that happened, I wound up becoming close friends with not just the x, but both partners.

The part that's so daunting about dating is that the more you do of it, the more crazy you collect, so it's hard not to allow yourself to get spooked / jaded / gunshy about that. Seriously. I could tell you some major horror stories about all the crazy I dated... on second thought, let's just not even go there.

...it's that you were on a date with a controlling jerk with no sense of boundaries... Truth spoken here. The shitty part is, you often can't see these guys coming. OK, since I had what seems like a very similar experience, how's about I tell you about the time I took a (very expensive) 2 hour private ski lesson, that I couldn't very well afford to be honest, just to get away from a guy who seemed cool for the first month we dated, but who suddenly morphed into the Micromanaging Hell-Bastard on what was supposed to be our first solo Date Weekend? Ugh. You are not alone. That 2 hour drive back from Keystone was the longest car trip I've ever made, and I was THISCLOSE to hanging around the lodge with a placard to bum a ride back to Boulder with someone else.

posted by lonefrontranger 29 August | 15:50

Yeah, see... at 40 I'm just really not into kissing toads anymore. I'm tired of it! The good part is that I was able to call the Egyptian non-boyfriend this morning and listen to him say nice things to me for 20 minutes, so that made me feel a lot better. All I need to do is find someone who will do that in person for me when I need it. Sigh.

Honestly... I'm not sure why I was so intent on not getting mad at the guy. He really kinda deserved to be kicked out of my house, in retrospect.

posted by miss lynnster 29 August | 17:14

Update: I sent him a note this morning explaining why I didn't feel he was very polite last night. He's now sent me 3 e-mails telling me he feels horribly. So I just told him that I'll get over it, and that he just needs to give me time & shouldn't talk to me for a while. Think I made my point & maybe he learned a lesson. So at least that's good.

posted by miss lynnster 29 August | 18:38

start to wonder if somehow I bring it upon myself, because it has happened more than a few times. Maybe I should just plan to end up an old cat lady... alas, if only I liked cats more.

I wonder that sometimes too -- whether I'm carrying the vibe equivalent of a "kick me" sign, something in my face or manner that draws the psychos and losers.

Nah. It ain't so. The assholes you run into, in the dating/mating world, and everywhere else, treat everyone that way. It's just how they are. They don't know any better.

You drew the line. You told him that you weren't comfortable with that behavior and that you didn't feel like dealing with him.

You deserve a huge amount of credit for that. A lot of women would have meekly answered his questions, tried to please him, offered no resistance to these power games and wound up wasting weeks, months, years of their lives with that kind of nonsense.

I hope it works out for you, whatever relationship you decide to pursue with him; you seem to be leaving the door a little bit open, to be giving him a chance to demonstrate better behavior. But if this is the kind of first impression he's choosing to make . . .

posted by jason's_planet 29 August | 19:29

It sounds too me like maybe this guy had read too much AskMe type advice where people tell him "girls like to talk about themselves just keep asking her about herself" but he's maybe a little inept and he winds up sounding like an interrogator. I sort of like the quetion routine because it's easier answering questions than coming up wiht them, although on a decent date you'd just havetons of stuff to talk about until "oh wow look at the time it's getting really late..."

You're not bad at romance, it's just a bad fit, nothing wrong with that.

posted by jessamyn 29 August | 19:52

boundaries.

posted by desjardins 30 August | 09:33

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