i'm sorry, maybe i have this wrong, but did you say somewhere you don't actually have to work for the money? Because if you don't actually have to work for the whole survival factor, what is wrong with spending time on figuring yourself out and all the sundry details of self that would better help you ultimately answer this question instead of finding something to fill in the gap until you do?
Figuring out what is going on with yourself, be it hormonal, neurochemical, hereditary, psychologically-- being the fittest you can be to be most comfortable with yourself, would that make you the best able to help youself and society?

Have i gotten something wrong?

No, I do need to work and probably need to make more money eventually if we want to have kids before we are like 40!

So you definitely can't take the time off to sort this stuff out? Because it doesn't seem like thinking of future kids is the immediate priority so much as figure out how to make life suck less.

I'm with ethylene on this one. Take time off work. In fact, go up to your boss right now and say ...

"I'm hating this job right now and I need to get my head together so I've decided to take two months off. If you still need me in November, we can discuss my role in your organisation then."

Then, go buy a stack of magazines and waste the rest of the day in a coffee shop.

Spend some time writing and making things. If you get a bit stuck for money, get a job shelf stacking or working behind a bar or something similarly mindless. A job you can walk out of without it bothering you.

ethylene and seanyboy speak wisely. You seem so desperately unhappy at your job, BtGoG, every time you post I want to lean into the computer and give you a big hug, then take you on a weekend where all we do is lie on the beach (or in the mountains!) and read and drink beer.

So yeah, seanyboy nailed it with his suggestion I think.

The thing is, i haven't been the most regular or studious tracker of your posts but i have noted that since the beginning of the year there have been distinct and escalating changes but i haven't been able to catch the why. i don't know what about this job is really capable of making it the daily horror show torture time it seem to be and that sets off a sign for me.
The longer it takes for you to deal with these things the longer it is going to take. It will take longer to heal, longer to deal, and longer for you until you get to the place where you are really doing more good for yourself and the world, so not doing it is actually wasting time until it's possibly a much worse time and place when you have no question of choice about it.

People would be happier if you actively took the time to do the research and work on how to be healthier and happier and there is no reason for someone to choose to be this unhappy. And it is work.

Of regrets i could have, the biggest one is that i didn't let myself take less ideal and idealistic paths to be in a much better place right now as i know i could be doing more tangible good had i done so. More money, more space, more options.

i don't know what keeps you from taking time for yourself as it's the least selfish thing you could be doing for anyone in your life.

What seanyboy said.

It may also help to remember that whatever route you go doesn't have the be the only thing you do for the rest of your life. Most people get to their happy zone by stepping stones/serendipity.

*hugs BtGoG*

You want to be a lion tamer. Say it: "I want to be a lion tamer." Right?

Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate By the Grace of God.

I really think seanyboy's got it.

What seanyboy said.

(((Grace)))

What seanyboy said. Also, consider government work - you can probably find a position that fits in with your ideals and it removes that whole financial imperative thing that private organisations face just to survive. That's what I found, anyway - I can concentrate on doing my work without having to worry about where the money is coming from every month or whether the owner is happy. You probably won't find a position that is described as Activist, but there are lots of government agencies that do good community work - good career paths too, if you feel the need.