I say "thank you."

Except...

I just did a sense-memory regression to recall a moment of effusive praise, and it turns out that what I do is cast my eyes down, smiling, and say something like "Thank you. I was pleased with it."

If anyone else was involved in the project, I make sure to mention them by name, usually also describing their involvement. "Oh, thank you! Kevin did a great job with the particle data, didn't he? And Jill's a great editor! I'm very pleased with the finished piece!"

When you have a personal relationship with someone, a good way to deal with praise and build relationships is to turn the praise around. A template: "Thank you so much, that really means a lot coming from you, because I really admire your X."

But I'm overcoming shyness too, so filling in X is usually something that doesn't hit me until hours, days or weeks later. Grumble. Grumble.

I do what Elsa does, and her example's great -- it spread the thanks around without denigrating her own role in the piece, or claiming it's not praiseworthy.

On the rare occasions that it happens, it's a major buzz, but at the same time, it makes me vaguely suspicious that either the praiser wants something or is humoring me or playing with me. I grew up getting the message from parents and peers that I was a fuckup and a defective so I don't trust any other opinions, however intoxicating they might be to hear. It's a weird position.

You have two options:

1) Accept the praise graciously and enjoy it, since it will certainly go back to normal levels eventually.
2) Call everyone carpetbagging sycophants trying to make a name for themselves off your labour and coat-tails.

I do #2, personally, but it's really all a matter of taste.

IF I ever get any, I'll let you know.

Elsa and Occhiblu have good suggestions here. I actually worked on this in therapy - like you, I used to do a lot of swinging between grandiosity and disappointment with myself. Learning to just say 'thank you,' with a smile and a nod, and then to add 'glad you liked it,' or 'glad it could help,' was a great step to take. I was taught to recognize compliments as what they are - the sincere and generous attempt of another person to take a risk and make a connection with you.

I learned something interesting when making this switch. In the Old Days, a compliment to me might have been "I loved that piece you did for the magazine," to which I might have responded, "Oh, well, it was really rushed and I didn't get to talk to all the people I wanted to." The other person then either had to drop that line of conversation, or engage in a long series of protests ("No, really, I liked it! Don't be so down on it, it was great!") which just dragged out the experience and kept the conversation from moving forward. For some reason, I thought deflecting the compliment by saying something negative about myself was somehow not arrogant, when in reality, all it did was steer the conversation to being more about me and made my low self-image very evident.

Not only that, it also cast doubt upon the person complimenting (turning away a compliment is like saying the complimentor's opinion is wrong) and seemed, to them, as though I was trying to create distance. It was damaging to relationships.

When I started to accept compliments, a wonderful thing happened. It opened up the possibilities. After saying "thank you," you can add that wonderful 'coming from you' suggested by Elsa and Occhiblu. Or you can simply say "I really appreciate that; it was something I've been wanting to do for a long time," or "I worked really hard on that and it feels good to know someone noticed," and mean it, and smile. Then you can talk about other things - a whole world of other wonderful things that aren't about you. You can ask what the other person is working on, or what you think the next big project should be, or say something about something they recently did. You can meet and talk as peers, without a lot of navel gazing and self-recrimination. It makes a conversation so much lighter and freer, so much about other people and genuine interaction instead of discomfort.

Learning to accept compliments this way has made a huge difference in my experience of life over the last few years. Congrats on doing it.

Learning to accept compliments this way has made a huge difference in my experience of life over the last few years.

I don't know about that, at least in my own experience. Writing it off to whatever makes me push myself that much harder.

turning away a compliment is like saying the complimentor's opinion is wrong

well,what if it is?

I usually ascertain from my entourage whether or not the person complimenting me can further my career or not. If so, then a murmured, "Thank you. That was very kind," usually suffices.

All this should preferably be done from within the limo.

what if it is?

If you want to build connections with other people, it doesn't matter. They're giving the compliment not because they think they are the arbiter of all things of value in the world, but to be nice to you, and establish a positive connection. Telling them they're wrong is, in essence, slapping away their effort to make a connection.

Inside, you know how good your effort was or wasn't, for you. Someone else may be amazed by something you do easily. It doesn't matter. What I've learned isn't that a compliment isn't so much about what you've done as it is about someone wanting to form a stronger bond with you.

If you want to build connections with other people, it doesn't matter. They're giving the compliment not because they think they are the arbiter of all things of value in the world, but to be nice to you,

Well, therein lies the problem if you want an honest opinion of yourself. If people are saying things 'to be nice to you,' then they are motivated by the desire to not hurt your feelings or to want to be your friend. Call me masochistic, but I'll take an honestly brutal disparaging over insincere self-esteem-building anyday.

Yes, but what would you drink with that, JonMC?

Beer, same as with everything else, LT.

I've never been able to take a compliment well. Something along the lines of "Thanks, that's very kind of you to say" or "Thank you for saying so" is about as gracious as I get. At work, the things that earn me praise are really just me being semi-competent at what I do; it seems bizarre to me that someone would point them out. It's like complimenting a housepainter for not dripping paint all over your hardwood floor - that's just part of the job.

jonmc, my point is that a compliment should not have anything much to do with your self-esteem. Ideally, self-esteem would be pretty solid whether you're getting compliments or not.

If I want an honest opinion from someone, and I often do, I just ask for an honest opinion. Compliments are generally volunteered, not asked for. Unsolicited negative feedback is not particularly welcome within my own personal boundaries.

Compliments are what they are. They don't mean any more or less than what the person's saying, and no matter what they thought of you or your work, they wouldn't say anything if they didn't want you to know how they felt. Compliments are about the giver, not about the receiver. That's why it's important to take them gracefully. If you care, that is.

They don't mean any more or less than what the person's saying,

Please. A compliment means 99% of the time that that people want something from you or that they're trying to go a good deed by sparing your feelings.

Ideally, self-esteem would be pretty solid whether you're getting compliments or not.

Yes, but we do not live in an ideal world.

Have it your way.

That's tellin' me.

A compliment means 99% of the time that that people want something from you or that they're trying to go a good deed by sparing your feelings.

Let's turn that around for a minute. Are you saying that 99% of the compliments you give are equally meaningless?

I'm really uncomfortable recieving praise, but I'm also willing to admit that it is usually sincere. Whether it's deserved or not is another matter.

Let's turn that around for a minute. Are you saying that 99% of the compliments you give are equally meaningless?

Let's say 95%. I try to be nice to people I like. I try to be more discerning than most. But I actually do restrain a lot of my negative impulses most of the time in the interet of not hurting people's feelings and I assume others are doing the same.

I'm just a little bit tired of bowing at the feet of 'self-esteem,' our new godhead. There's a lot to be said for self-acceptance-warts and all-beyond self-esteem. It gives you a more honest picture of your position in the world and helps you adjust your hopes accordingly.

Thank you for the answers and suggestions. Especially Miko. I used to go through the exact process you described, trying to deflect compliments by saying something negative about myself, and I hated how it had the opposite effect. That's what really motivated me to try to take compliments graciously. A simple "Thank you" hasn't been sufficient for the situations I've had recently, but I think the response suggested by Elsa, occhiblu, and Miko will be perfect.

jonmc, I used to always assume that complimenters either wanted something, or were messing with me. That was in my days of really low self-esteem. Now I tend to assume they are sincere. (I'm also hanging out with more sincere people these days, but the self-esteem has a lot to do with it for me.) All evidence has indicated that at least 80% of the compliments I receive are completely sincere. I would estimate that less than 3% of the compliments are from people buttering me up or messing with me. Chances are the compliments you receive are more sincere than you think.

Chances are the compliments you receive are more sincere than you think.

Agro, I think that's something we tell ourselves to pump ourselves up. Most complimets I've gotten, I was either fishing for (there's brutal honesty again) or were from people who wanted something or didn't know any better or were just trying to be nice so I wouldn't kill myself or something. The only compliments that I take to heart are from people that I know hate me.

I'm just a little bit tired of bowing at the feet of 'self-esteem,' our new godhead. There's a lot to be said for self-acceptance-warts and all-beyond self-esteem. It gives you a more honest picture of your position in the world and helps you adjust your hopes accordingly.

"Self-esteem" doesn't mean deluding yourself about your qualities or prospects. It means seeing the value in yourself, and accepting your good traits for what they are. People with low self-esteem undervalue their strengths, which is just as dishonest as overvaluing them.

Bill Cosby used to do a stand-up routine about drugs. He'd get to cocaine and he'd ask people 'Why do you do cocaine?' and they'd say "Well, it intensifies your personality..' and he'd answer 'what if you're an asshole?'

There comes a time when we all have to look in the mirror and ask ourselves that question, and for most of us, the answer (if we're honest) is 'yes.'

Anyway, thanks for the replies everyone!

"Self-esteem" doesn't mean deluding yourself about your qualities or prospects. It means seeing the value in yourself, and accepting your good traits for what they are.

This bears repeating.

On preview: it's possible to be an asshole and still have redeeming qualities. This is what keeps my head out of the oven. ;)

On preview: it's possible to be an asshole and still have redeeming qualities.

Sure. But, you still have to admit that you're an asshole and that you probably always will be. I'm an asshole; I'm a lazy, drunk, self-pitying sophist misogynist loser who dosen't lift a finger unless there's something in it for me. and I always will be. Accepting that helps me go on.

That's fine if that's you, but it doesn't make sense to project your attitudes on others and suggest that everyone else is deluding themselves. You can't know that, and evidence points to the contrary. Other people might be operating differently.

That's what I meant by 'have it your way'. I'm not interested in changing your worldview, but it's your own and you need to accept that it's yours and doesn't describe reality for everyone. Agro is interested in changing his responses, so my comments were mostly directed at him, not at you.

Self-esteem is not a 100% positive opinion of yourself, but a sense of basic worth and value and all-rightness, which you can have even though you recognize and accept your flaws. All humans have flaws. The thing is, when you have some self-worth, you ruin your own life a lot less, which is awfully nice.

My estimation of the motivation for compliments is about like agro's; at least 80% sincere. Most people aren'y sycophantic, and I'm not so fabulous as to think they're just trying to brownnose me nor so paranoid as to expect they're trying to delude me. They're simply looking for a positive social interaction and to express their appreciation for what you are or you do. It's that simple. To make any more of it than that is an issue coming from you, not the complimentor.

This has been an illuminating thread to read. I loved this comment, and totally agree, Miko.