MetaChat - If you like, take a look at this weird situation from my job.

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17 July 2007

If you like, take a look at this weird situation from my job. I *cough* am staying *cough* home from work because *cough* I CAN'T STOP COUGHING! Also because...My boss is a BITCH, so I'd rather sit here and cough than be there.→[More:]

She actually had the nerve to ask me if I was being defensive yesterday. We were going through a huge complex bunch of stuff. We'd been discussing a certain bit of stuff for a bit and I ws still standing up absentmindedly to hand her the next bit of stuff.. she snapped at me to sit down, I was making her nervous.. asked me if I was unhappy, I said no, asked me if I was being DEFENSIVE (!!????!!), I said no, just trying not to cough! (forced grin).

It's awful to feel uncomfortable in my own body and mind, to not know whether a given word or move is appropriate. People don't realise how hard I try to be normal. This bit was all devastating. Thinking of how my capacity to achieve is reduced because of depression and anxiety that weren't caused by me. Now I'm trying to pick up the pieces, and facing the fact that it might not ever go away.

Called my father (who stood by and let damage happen) and talked to him about it, telling him calmly how very angry I am at him for his role in making it so hard for me to relax and fit in. Now he's got a new wife and child, and the new wife is as crazy as my mother was, and the beautiful little boy they have is at risk. I don't know what to do about this, but I begged him to watch out.

I'm also extremely resentful of people with mental illness who behave outside the norms when it's in their control to do so or not. People who skip work without calling in for mental reasons; people who sit home and feel sorry for themselves. People who break the rules and then get, well, whuffles back. Normally I go out of my way to help these people but sometimes, I'd like some recognition for coping as well as I do, and some understanding when I don't.

I will be cheerful shortly, for sure. And I worry what you all will think about such a whingey thread. Believe me I am grateful for what I have in life. I am just having a low day. I'm grateful to have the opportunity to post about it here, and I wish everyone here the best.

post by: By the Grace of God at: 03:16 | 18 comments

Check yur gmail.

posted by essexjan 17 July | 04:10

That's what friends are for - to listen when you need to vent, to provide shoulders to lean on, to just be there for you. I hope you find your cheer soon, and good for you for taking a "health day".

posted by redvixen 17 July | 06:01

I'd like some recognition for coping as well as I do, and some understanding when I don't

Of course you need some recognition - I know some days I feel like I should just get a medal for showing up, and I bet you do too. So, here's your medal, and a hug...

And it does sound as if you have a boss who would be difficult for anyone to face - never knowing what way she is going to take anything, is she going to have a good day or bad day? What might I say/do that will upset her?

Today is your day to look after yourself. Do that and be kind to your being. Take care.

posted by mightshould 17 July | 07:01

Good god, don't read the thread that I just posted BtGoG;)

I'm glad that you cope so well, and am always amazed at your posts about the problems that you're having at your workplace, and that even though you feel like me, unlike me, you stand tall. I am nothing like you BtGoG. I would've folded into a pile of mush by now if I were in your place. You deserve to be recognized for all that you've gone through, and are still going through, and I pray that you always have that strength with you.

posted by hadjiboy 17 July | 07:43

Aw, you're in my prayers too, you silly boy.

posted by By the Grace of God 17 July | 07:47

BTGOG, has it occured to you that your BOSS is the one acting inappropriately?

Activate your funny bone, girl! SHE is the one with the problem.

posted by bunnyfire 17 July | 08:04

I agree. About the boss. Being the problem. And not yours. You should smile. And laugh. More often. At work.

Because as far as I can tell, you're more than funny and smart and beautiful enough to do whatever you want and let this woodchipper of a nastymouth boss just yammer on without affecting you -- I say this not out of some automatic support reaction but because you have soul, which not many people have -- and soul goes a long way farther than your boss ever will with her vindictive looks and her power-greedy craw, certainly farther than she will go into you, because you can always just say, "Excuse me," and go get a glass of water, and when you come back and she lays into you, you shrug and say, "I was coughing," and if she says anything else, you can shrug and start talking about work, and if she goes on, say "REALLY?" really loudly, and point at your work and start talking about it again; one great idea I've learned and shared with my caged butterfly of an anxious mother is that everything you can possibly do is fun, and the trick is to try to find the fun in everything, and I know this is a run-on sentence but I'm working on a new writing style involving short bursts of doo-doo followed by interminable crap, see, it's working, and I did it for you because it helps make my point, the boring part is in the middle and the front end is just chum, but the end: the end will tell you what I really think, and that is, chin up, you're better than just one-of-a-kind; everybody's one of a kind, but you've got wit and soul.

Seriously, when someone's getting on your nerves, just think of someone who admires you. Like me. Or anyone else here. I don't want to speak for anyone else, but you're the cat's jammies.

posted by Hugh Janus 17 July | 08:50

Boss is the problem. Some people read things wrong, all you were doing was standing up and handing her some work, big deal! You'll soon learn to predict her quirks, remember they are her quirks, not yours.

As an example of people reading things wrong, a sweet co-worker of mine popped over to ask me to join her "can we have coffe and cake now?" and I replied, deep into my work I was tring to finish on time (picture me doing wenty short commands in photoshop and checking the clock on my screen) "eh..nope....Not now, I'm having lunch in ten minutes". I didn't snap at her in any way but she was upset all day because she thought that I told her off. wtf?

posted by dabitch 17 July | 09:01

I used to work for someone like this Grace. I remember I did not want to get out of my bed to go to work in the morning. As soon as I would see him, I would feel worthless, desperate, and stupid. After I left that job, I found out that everyone who'd ever worked for this person thought/felt very similarly. It helped, aposteriori alas, but it did. If someone is a jerk to you for no reason, they are jerks all around. I am so sorry for them. How lonely they must feel.

Anyway, it is amazing how much "positive reinforcement" from the people you work with can boost one's confidence and productivity. That boss changed my thinking about workplace situations and the power and effectiveness of psychological conditioning.

Don't let her get you. Sometimes it helps to talk to some of your colleagues.

posted by carmina 17 July | 09:35

Heya, thanks guys.

The problem is: a) I respect this lady - she's doing good work
b) I have a history of being fucked up - it's only honourable to look to myself first
c) there are few colleagues, most days it's just me and her.

posted by By the Grace of God 17 July | 10:09

Eeee, BtGoG! Nthing everyone who says the boss is the one with the issues...but you don't have to smile unless YOU want to.

posted by brujita 17 July | 10:24

b) I have a history of being fucked up - it's only honourable to look to myself first

BTGOG, being fucked up, as several of us in this community are, is not something for which you should blame yourself. At all. Ever.

The thing I've had to learn in the last few years -- and it's a difficult one -- is that people who have never suffered crippling anxiety and depression just don't understand. They don't know what it's like, and no matter how progressive they are they're bound to think it's a cop-out at times. You're trying as hard as you can to be "normal," that is to show up at work and do your job well, but others do this with apparent ease. It's so easy to discount anxiety, depression and other forms of fucked-upness if only because they are so ethereal.

So yes, of course you deserve a medal. But, as much as your boss may be a wonderful person who deserves your respect, she may not be in a position to give you that medal, or even to understand what you're going through.

::hugs::

posted by brina 17 July | 11:30

BTGoG, your being fucked up does not preclude her being fucked up, you know? And even if neither of you were fucked up, there are certainly wonderful, respect-worthy people out there who simply can't work together. I have met many people in my life who were wonderful, great, fantastic people who, through no real fault of mine or theirs, I just could deal with being around.

Competing neuroses, I guess. :-)

And Hugh, "my caged butterfly of an anxious mother" is a gorgeous phrase with which I immediately fell in love.

posted by occhiblu 17 July | 13:05

Ooops. That should have been "I just could not deal with being around."

posted by occhiblu 17 July | 13:06

It's possible that you sometimes act in ways that might be misunderstood or misinterpreted by others, Grace, but in this situation, she was clearly being peevish and rude with the standing/sitting bullshit. Wondering if you were being "defensive" could be a problem of her not being able to read you, and thus possibly excusable, but the other thing was crappy... and as the boss, she has a mandate to not make her employees feel tense, self-conscious and belittled. She's being bitchy because she can, because she feels like taking out her frustrations on someone, and because - while she may be good at other things - as a manager of people, she's a bad boss.

posted by taz 17 July | 13:07

People don't realize how hard I try to be normal.

Don't. It's more draining than anything. I know of what I speak. This has been one of my hang-ups for years. It can make you seem tense and distant to others. Be professional, if it's a work setting, but let people know how you're feeling. If you think there's a problem, ask. This kind of "reality checking," as I call it, helps me a lot and tends to clear the air. People will respect you speaking directly to them, too.

And, I know it's hard, but try not to be so sensitive (you may want to throw something at me for saying that, but please know that I speak as someone with the same tendency myself). Very little of our daily lives is truly "devastating." And remember, people are dealing with their own shit, too, and most often, their moods are not about you.

That said, I hope you feels better. A day off can do wonders. I hope you slept in and did something fun for yourself.

posted by Pips 17 July | 15:45

You know, I once read a Christian self-help book for men, and believe it or not it had some insight that might help. Although it was written in a context for guys, there was a discussion about how, basically, we are all "posers". We all see ourselves as the defective ones, play-acting to fit into the larger society, looking at those around us and admiring them for what they are and what they have. Understand this about your boss: She probably sees herself as a poser too!

We're all just trying to get through this thing called life. We can look at our shortcomings and feel generally shitty about our lot, or we can focus on the good things in our own lives and try to make them even better.

Gawd... now *I* sound like a self-help book. Or a greeting card. Or something. But my point is that as uncomfortable as you feel, know that many of us know exactly what you're talking about. You're not alone. And you can always come to us for whuffles.

posted by Doohickie 17 July | 19:34

Nthing what all the smarter people upthread said.
(((Grace)))

posted by deborah 17 July | 19:38

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