Dudley Zoological Gardens - an amateur review We went to the zoo in Dudley. It was kind of a shithole, to be fair. →[More:]Even as you drive up to it, you see nothing but burnt-out empty buildings and litter. If I could've pulled a U-turn and gone back towards Brum, I probably would've done it.

I feel bad, really, for disliking it so much. The people who run the zoo are saddled with a bunch of ugly old listed buildings/animal enclosures which cannot be torn down because they are prime examples of some architect's workd. Walking through them feels like being on the set of Planet of the Apes. The Oran-Utan exhibit is criminal, and people were feeding the apes despite massive signs forbidding such behaviour. There were two newish enclosures, one for lemurs and one for small monkeys, and they were very good, but the rest of the place had serious issues. Apparently, there is a £40m upgrade in the works, and I hope it goes through.

I think the people who work there are nothing short of heroic, but that's not enough to make me recommend the experience to anyone. There was a serious effort to close the zoo at one point, and, after a visit, I can see why. They have improved it, but there's no way to really 'fix' the place short of tearing most of it down (which is impossible).

There is a pretty nice 13th century ruined castle [cool trivia: the oldest condoms found (rather than just pictures or descriptions) are from 1640, discovered in Dudley Castle] on the site, but climbing up to it only offers views of Dudley itself, which is probably the most blighted, ugly, worn-out, battle-scarred town in the free world.

I mean it's UGLY. Even the widdwe baby Jesus hates this town. Satan would take over, but he's afraid to park his car there.

Right across from the zoo, there's a hideous old Georgian building [with a gold sign that reads 'Dudley Central Mosque'] that's situated between a dilapidated casino and a massive bingo parlour. And THAT'S the high street.

Freakishly, Dudley is the 19th largest settlement in England, and is the second largest 'town' in the United Kingdom, behind Reading [because it lacks a Cathedral]. It is also the largest town in the Black Country. I genuinely feel sorry for all of the 195,000 people who live there. It *sucks*.

Everywhere you look, children are smoking cigarettes, french kissing each other, fighting, loudly cursing and littering. It's like the Worst Place in Britain: the city that never made it onto the brochure. Even the local accent is the worst thing you've ever heard, and is universally lampooned.

Dudley is the largest town in England currently without and, indeed, never to have had a league football club. The town's key football team, Dudley Town F.C, has never progressed beyond the Southern Premier League.

Don't let this site fool you. I guarantee that there are no reasons to be cheerful this summer if you live in Dudley. It's like Bad Lucksville. The village of Lower Gornal, just outside Dudley, was the epicentre for the Dudley earthquake of 2002, the largest earthquake to hit the United Kingdom in nearly 10 years.

I took some photos of the prettier bits, but it was quite a challenge to find any.