MetaChat - Back into caretaker mode.

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04 July 2007

Back into caretaker mode. My mom had another stroke this morning.→[More:]I think it's minor. When she had her first two strokes, they hit her much harder than this one seems to have. The first one was in 1998 & I was busy being a self-absorbed girl in my late 20s. My siblings were behaving so selfishly it ashamed me, so I decided to step up to the plate. I put so much stuff aside to take care of her that my life took a whole different direction than I wish it had sometimes, but I can't think I did the wrong thing. Although sometimes I wonder, because at 40 there are times I wish I had more to show for my efforts than I feel I do. I wish I had built more security for myself instead of taking care of it for other people. I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish I could've spent my 30s not having to think so much about strokes and pacemakers and aphasia and bells palsy and macular degeneration, etc. etc. Doesn't really fall under fun date conversation, that's for sure. It made me more intense than I ever wanted to be, dealing with aging & potential death all the time. I don't see how people can deal with it for a living without being depressed.

She was supposed to have knee replacement surgery next week so I was going to drive the ten hours to be there. My older siblings who live 10 miles away from her can't even be depended upon to pick up a prescription, so it's my job. And then this morning at 8am my phone rang. I was in bed & didn't feel like moving. About an hour later I looked at the phone and saw it was my mom so I called back without checking the message. Her housecleaner answered the phone and started going on about ambulances and strokes. And then I went back to my phone & listened to the message my mom had left. She sounded like a little kid calling her mommy to tell her that she'd done something bad. She couldn't move her right arm or leg and wasn't sure what to do.

I've had such ups and downs with my mom in my life, but she's one of my best friends now. And I've spent ten years expecting her to die. I thought I was numb to it all by now but I'm not. I'm sure she'll be fine. But then it'll be something else. And each will take a little bit more out of her and I guess out of me. And then when she eventually someday dies, my sisters will fight with me about how they deserve her belongings. My mom's belongings are the last thing on my mind.

So I'm crying a little bit this morning. The tears just kind of keep coming out of my eyes even when I don't feel like I'm crying. And then I'll call the hospital to figure out what's going on. Hopefully I won't have to jump in the car to drive the ten hours to San Diego. And if I don't, then I'll be at a barbecue this afternoon eating grilled salmon and trying not to talk to my friends about strokes and stuff. I've talked enough about strokes and stuff. I just want to eat some grilled salmon and watch people talk about other things.

But right now I'm going to hug my puppy.

post by: miss lynnster at: 12:17 | 37 comments

:-( So sorry.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 04 July | 12:19

Oh, wow, miss lynnster, I am so sorry to hear about this. You're a good human being. I'll be keeping your mom in my thoughts. Will you let us know how everything goes?

posted by BoringPostcards 04 July | 12:25

Thanks. :) I just had to vent, I guess. I've learned it's not good to bottle it up.

I just got off of the phone with the nurse at the hospital. She couldn't tell me much because she didn't get permission from my mom to talk to anyone yet. But by reading between the lines I got that it's not a life/death thing so far and she's not needed any kind of surgery. So that's good. I'll call back in 2 hours for an update. And hopefully eat salmon this afternoon.

posted by miss lynnster 04 July | 12:30

By the way, I do apologize if this post is depressing & morbid. It's supposed to be a day for partying & stuff!

posted by miss lynnster 04 July | 12:33

No sweat, miss lynnster, we can't control when these things happen. So sorry to hear this.

posted by Hellbient 04 July | 12:47

Sending you lots of bunnyhugs. Along with a couple of bunny kicks in the tuckus for your siblings.

posted by bunnyfire 04 July | 12:50

miss lynster, you're a good person and a good daughter. I know how stressful caring for an ill loved-one can be. So sorry, your mom had another stroke. Good wishes for an enjoyable day.

posted by LoriFLA 04 July | 12:57

I am really sorry. I hope the prognosis is optimistic for her.

posted by essexjan 04 July | 13:01

:( I'm sorry. Best of luck to the both of you.

posted by CitrusFreak12 04 July | 13:07

Oh dear. But your mother is lucky to have you for a daughter, Miss Lynnster.

posted by Orange Swan 04 July | 13:21

I'm sorry, miss lynnster.

posted by brujita 04 July | 13:29

Best wishes, Miss! Here's hoping your mom will be doing well, and that you'll be noshing on salmon this afternoon.

posted by scody 04 July | 13:52

So very sorry miss lynnster. I wish the best for your mom and for you.

posted by arse_hat 04 July | 13:56

(((miss lynnster)))

posted by stilicho 04 July | 13:58

Thanks everybody. I just called and they're admitting her to the hospital for at least a few days. It sounds less serious than her first strokes were, so I will be eating salmon today instead of jumping in the car. Which is a relief, although I feel pretty numb. Thank you everyone for the nice support & wishes. :)

posted by miss lynnster 04 July | 14:00

I'm so sorry, miss lynnster. FWIW, I know what you're going through (I wrote a longer post but it vanished, go figure) since I'm also basically my mother's caretaker. It's a long tough road; here's hoping she recovers fully and soon.

posted by mygothlaundry 04 July | 14:20

If you can't tell us, who can you tell? Huge Hugs, feel awful for you.

I had a bad situation at work on Monday and the response of Mechazens really helped.

I also know exactly what you're going through with undependable siblings. When my Mom was dying I lived in Dublin, 4 hours in traffic away from her in Cork.
2 siblings lived 6 km and 9 km away from her but they were too busy to help my sister and I look after her. At the time I was still nursing a 6 month old and holding down a full time job so I could only do the weekends. I was exhausted, it lasted 2 years but I never regret the time or effort. What it has done is really make me bitter towards those two siblings and since she died I have very little to do with them. I was SO angry at them for so long. Be careful of your own health & welfare during this time.

posted by Wilder 04 July | 14:20

O miss lynnster, I am so, so sorry. I have so much sympathy for you it hurts. When my mom was terminally ill, she left an answering machine message like that for me, and just thinking about it makes my breath catch.

I am glad you have a warm puppy to hug.

(((((((miss lynnster)))))))

posted by Sil 04 July | 14:23

Well, I haven't really spoken to one of my siblings in San Diego since 1999 after she righteously expressed how wonderful it was that I wasn't married so I could be there to take care of our mother (not once considering that she lives in a double income household & I don't) -- because of course I must understand that in her life "her family" has to come first. Mind you, this is a woman who goes to church 4x a week and was a Baptist missionary... yet somehow not only does she not consider her mother & sister to be "her family," she feels it's more important to make sure she gets her child to Bible study than it is to offer comfort to her mother during a spinal tap. If someone in her church congregation was sick, she would be there baking them a cake in minutes though. And like I said, I know that when my mom dies she'll be right there to try to sift through her belongings talking about how important it is to have "family heirlooms" to pass to her kids.

I hate to say it but I really do hope her kids choose "their families" over her when she's old. It would serve her right.

Note to self: gotta erase my mom's answering machine message. I don't want to hear it again.

posted by miss lynnster 04 July | 14:52

(((miss lynnster)))

So sorry!

on a selfish note, these posts make me appreciate how awesome my brother is.

posted by small_ruminant 04 July | 15:04

It's not selfish to appreciate the good things you have! You should be very very thankful for awesome siblings!

I figure my mom must've picked mine up in the discount bin. She's due a refund or something, I'm thinkin'. Wish I could do an exchange... :)

posted by miss lynnster 04 July | 15:22

*hugs for miss lynnster!*

posted by By the Grace of God 04 July | 17:03

I'm really happy to say that my 21 year old niece was at my mom's bedside when I finally got to talk to her. My niece is working five minutes from the hospital and has offered to help talk to the doctors & stuff. It's the first time in 9 years any relative has lifted a finger to form a support team with me (and my mom has 5 kids), so it's a big relief. I'm holding off until there's more information before I decide when to go down there, but in the mean time it's a giant relief to know my mom isn't alone in my absence. Nice to feel like I can breathe a little.

posted by miss lynnster 04 July | 17:11

yay for your niece!

posted by By the Grace of God 04 July | 17:17

Hooray for your niece, and best wishes for your mom, miss lynnster. Please take care of yourself, as I've seen first hand how draining caregiving can be. Your mom is lucky to have you.

posted by redvixen 04 July | 17:31

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this stuff, miss lynnster. (Although I now see that you've got a niece on the ball down in SD. Huzzah!) If it makes you feel any better, the situation you describe in your family is depressingly common. I work with older adults and I can't tell you how many times I've seen the care for Mom and/or Pop falls on the shoulders of the one child who can be arsed to do it. It's hard work, which scares the hell out of a lot of people. Good on you for picking up the ball, and on your niece as well.

posted by bmarkey 04 July | 17:55

Good on you for picking up the ball, and on your niece as well.

Yes. Absolutely.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation.

(((miss lynster)))

posted by jason's_planet 04 July | 18:05

Mind you, this is a woman who goes to church 4x a week and was a Baptist missionary... yet somehow not only does she not consider her mother & sister to be "her family," she feels it's more important to make sure she gets her child to Bible study than it is to offer comfort to her mother during a spinal tap.

Let me state for the record that this isn't biblical. Folks that don't look after their families are called worse than unbelievers in the NT.

When Jesus said what he did about leaving family behind for Him this is NOT what He was talking about.

(Between you and essexjan I'm actually thankful to be an only child. )

posted by bunnyfire 04 July | 18:27

I'm actually almost an only child in other ways because my siblings are all 9-18 years older than me. So I'm the baby... which is another issue. When I took charge of stuff, a few of them felt it was a good time to talk to me like i'm still 9 years old. It wasn't.

What I think is especially sad is that it seems to be a uniquely American thing to not take care of your family. In so many other cultures, entire families bond together to care for one sick family member... they don't wait for them to be on their deathbeds before they show up, you know? They bond together and feast and surround the sick person until they're better (or until they drive them crazy, which happens too). The last two years of my godmother's life, I made a point to visit her, read to her, feed her. Then two days before she died, two of my sisters made these grand announcements about how they should go visit her. I was like, "Why? She's so close to death now that won't even recognize you at this point." It's like they never even thought about being there when she needed it and could appreciate it, it only dawned on them as she was about to die.

I just don't get people sometimes. I really don't.

posted by miss lynnster 04 July | 18:35

it sucks, i know how it is -- an illness like that not only destroys the sick person's life but turns their loved ones into nurses. it's like shrapnel after a bomb goes off. I know how it feels, more people than we think do actually know. unfortunately.

good luck for your mom and try to take care of yourself, too, as much as possible. it's hard not to forget about oneself in those situations.

posted by matteo 04 July | 18:48

I meant to mention this earlier: if it turns out that you or your niece end up providing care while your Mom convalesces, don't forget about respite care. It's so easy to get wrapped up in caregiving and not take care of yourself.

posted by bmarkey 04 July | 18:58

it's more important to make sure she gets her child to Bible study than it is to offer comfort to her mother during a spinal tap

have you ever read Ibsen's "Brand"? if you haven't, you should. it speaks eloquently about this very problem. it's a life-changing play.

and yes, the message has got to go -- don't just erase the tape, throw it in the trash, you'll feel better. you don't need that tape.

konolia, no need to derail here, we're discussing more serious issues, but if you take the time to check out Meier's A Marginal Jew, the professor explains beautifully how -- and WHY -- Luke 14:26 came to be.

posted by matteo 04 July | 19:00

Oh miss lynnster I just read this. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the family stuff as well. Hope that your mom has an uneventful recovery.

posted by gaspode 04 July | 22:12

(or the lack of family help, rather. but yay your niece!)

posted by gaspode 04 July | 22:12

If it ever comes down to a similar situation in my family (knock on wood) I hope I will be as responsible as you and your niece are. Right now I will just be hoping for you all to pull through.

(doggies are so wonderful)

posted by casarkos 04 July | 23:46

Good luck to your Mom, miss lynnster, and to you. I'm glad that someone emerged from the family to help, and perhaps also provide you with an ally and a friend.

posted by taz 05 July | 04:30

I'm late to the post... However....
Hugs to miss lynnster.

So glad to see that finally, someone else is giving a wee bit of assistance. It can really take some of the emotional burden off.

I remember how good it was to have one afternoon off when my hubby was in the hospital. The sister who never liked him volunteered to come down (a 2-hr trip and on a weekday no less) and give me time to go home, shower, look after a few things. It makes you feel so less-alone, especially when your loved one is in twilight land. And, I think it's also nice to know that someone else cares enough about your loved one to "go out of their way" to do something. Knowing you're not alone in your struggles, and that someone cares is a big relief.

It's great that we have a place like this to vent our issues, and garner unconditional support! Keep us posted.

Again, hugs. Take care.

posted by mightshould 05 July | 06:59

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