An open letter to Lance. To my dearest cat Lance,→[More:]

When you were a kitten and you were tiny and still quite skittish around humans, it was adorable when you used to jump up on my desk while I was at the computer. I'd say, "HI LANCE!", and I'd pet your little head, and your little motor would run, and we'd laugh and laugh.

But that was then. Now you are a monstrous jungle cat that weighs 85 pounds. When you jump up on the desk, your substantial body covers the entire 24" inch monitor, your shedding (which I know is on purpose) gets all in my keyboard and nose, and your utter disdain for my suggestions that I will pet you when I'm done here is maddening.

Try to keep in mind that you are not the wee, nimble little cat you once were. You don't fit on the windowsill; you don't fit on the back of my desk chair; and you certainly don't fit here in front of my keyboard. It's nothing to be ashamed of; it's just growing up. Maybe you should lie on the couch. I'm just sayin'.

With deepest love and devotion,
I remain,
Your owner,
Mike