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25 June 2007

Just gotta share this. This is a personal, probably too-much-information kind of post.→[More:]Well, don't say I didn't warn you.

This weekend confirmed something for me that I had suspected for quite some time -- that I'm a lot more bisexual than I've previously admitted to myself or others.

I had two very engaging interactions -- one that remained delightfully flirtatious and another that went further -- with people of the opposite sex. This is the first time it's happened since I came out of the closet as gay 15 or so years ago.

It's exciting and exhilarating, but I also feel kind of terrified -- like I just stepped across a threshold into a world I'm completely unfamiliar with. And, ironically, it feels a lot like my first same-sex experiences felt.

Anyway, my mind is totally blown. This is the last thing I expected from Gay Pride Weekend! If you've made it this far, thanks for reading -- I just had to get this off my chest.

post by: treepour at: 15:42 | 29 comments

Sounds to me like you're sexual. How delightful.

posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson 25 June | 15:46

Good on you.

posted by essexjan 25 June | 15:48

Sexual excitement is exciting, no?

posted by ethylene 25 June | 15:58

Were I not in a committed relationship, I would probably be recreationally bisexual. I mean, why the hell not?

posted by danf 25 June | 16:02

At least one of us is getting some! *high fives treepour then promptly passes out with baby blanket and bottle in hand.. zzzzzzzzzzz*

posted by dabitch 25 June | 16:05

Aw, you all are the best!

Hmm. Just thinking out loud here . . . I think it's a good lesson to me in the power of labels. How a label (e.g., "I'm gay") can be both an empowering thing and a restrictive thing -- or at least an excuse for complacency. And it's interesting to me how much anxiety can be wrapped-up in shedding a label.

posted by treepour 25 June | 16:19

Isn't this what Chasing Amy taught us? :-)

It's gender-reversed, but you may enjoy checking out Heather Corinna's journal (NSFW). She identified as gay, then met a guy she fell for, and talked a fair amount about labels and reactions and such. (I think it was about a year ago, maybe, if you're digging through te archives?)

posted by occhiblu 25 June | 17:14

Thanks, Occhiblu, I'll check that out. I think it's a bit of a shock to my system in part because I almost never hear of men going from gay to bi. Given that, it's hard for me not to overthink it -- e.g., was I REALLY attracted or just attracted to the idea of being attracted? is it the result of some kind of weird internalized homophobia? Stuff like that keeps running through my head, because I have this little voice inside me telling me that that sort of shift just isn't supposed to happen. Or that it somehow makes more sense for straight guys to be bicurious than it does for gay men. Which I know is total bullshit, but that nagging voice is still there. Damn you, nagging little voices -- shut up already and let me eat my plate of beans before it gets cold!

posted by treepour 25 June | 17:45

Definitely do check it out, though I realized I explained it badly -- she's still with the guy, and still writes a bit about that. But the relationship started about a year ago, which is when the heaviest "What does this mean?" entries happened.

Also, glad you're having a good time!!!

posted by occhiblu 25 June | 17:52

treepour, you are right about the difference. I know any number of "ex" lesbians who are with men now, and apparently happy.

I have not heard of ANY situations the other way.

maybe you're cured, all of a sudden!

ducks and runs away

posted by danf 25 June | 17:54

maybe you're cured, all of a sudden!

Ha! The new cure for homosexuality -- Gay Pride weekend in San Francisco!

posted by treepour 25 June | 18:03

I know any number of "ex" lesbians who are with men now, and apparently happy.

The word "hasbian" doesn't exist for no reason...

More seriously, though, it has always been my understanding (although I can't point to any studies that back this up, I have heard it mentioned with some authority a number of times-- and not just in porn, thank you) that many women's sexual orientation tends to be more fluid than that of the majority of men.

I could very easily be mistaken about this, however.

posted by dersins 25 June | 18:07

dersins, that's always been my understanding as well. There's also that one researcher who maintains that male bisexuality doesn't exist because none of his male, bi-identified test subjects were aroused by both woman-on-woman and guy-on-guy porn (which I think totally bogus, because while there's some overlap between what turns me on porn-wise and what turns me on in real life, there's quite lot of divergence as well).

FWIW, I've been told orientation can become even more elusive when it comes to some transgendered folks. E.g., a lesbian might become a gay man after the switch (rather than remaining attracted to women).

posted by treepour 25 June | 18:39

it's interesting to me how much anxiety can be wrapped-up in shedding a label

"Label" is a pejorative word that people apply when they want to under-emphasize the importance of a cultural belief, norm, archetype, role model, whatever. These things can sometime be restrictive, impersonal, and utter bullshit. But we live our lives by them 90% of the time. Without them we'd all be psychedelic squiggles bouncing around in a sea of unpredictability. It's no trivial thing to break or change one.

Congrats on the interesting experience! It took me years of futzing around to definitively decide that I was straight. During those years, and even now, I feel more comfortable around gay folks because they, at least, have usually been forced to think about their sexual identity a little. Straight people who're just born into it without a second thought are often living, shall we say, unexamined lives...

posted by scarabic 25 June | 18:49

This weekend confirmed something for me that I had suspected for quite some time -- that I'm a lot more bisexual than I've previously admitted to myself or others.

Dude, sex is sex, flesh is flesh. Among connsenting unattached adults that's really all there is to it. As someone once said, a stiff dick has no consience, but it dosen't lie about what it wants.

posted by jonmc 25 June | 19:18

Perhaps labels like "homosexual" and "heterosexual" are just too confining in their definitions. Who's to say that a person can't be attracted to any variety of people, same sex/opposite sex/transgendered sex? I have two female cousins who started off with men, ended the relationships badly, and found joy with other women. Now, whether or not they'll stay "gay" has yet to be seen; the one is not with anyone now, and the other isn't sure of her feelings for her girlfriend. And while I have always thought of myself as straight, I do admit flirting with a lesbian at work who I've known for years. I'm sure most people have surprised themselves by being attracted to, for lack of better words, people opposite from what they're used to being attracted to. Good, hot, attraction makes everyone feel good, no matter where it comes from.

sorry for the ramble. I'm a bit tired, and now a bit amorous, all this talk of sex. ;^)

posted by redvixen 25 June | 20:19

Just thinking out loud here . . . I think it's a good lesson to me in the power of labels. How a label (e.g., "I'm gay") can be both an empowering thing and a restrictive thing -- or at least an excuse for complacency. And it's interesting to me how much anxiety can be wrapped-up in shedding a label.

Very good point.

The label acquired that force -- empowering and restrictive -- as a reaction to oppression.

As society changes, as the oppression wanes, as the label "gay" becomes just another part of the tapestry, like "Lithuanian-American" or "surfer dude", I predict that we'll see many more stories like yours.

Glad you had such an awesome weekend. Have fun exploring this new side of your sexuality. I commend you for turning away from complacency and embracing the spirit of the moment.

posted by jason's_planet 25 June | 21:37

Just thinking out loud here . . . I think it's a good lesson to me in the power of labels. How a label (e.g., "I'm gay") can be both an empowering thing and a restrictive thing -- or at least an excuse for complacency. And it's interesting to me how much anxiety can be wrapped-up in shedding a label.

posted by jason's_planet 25 June | 21:42

Thanks again, all, for the supportive words. They really means a lot.

*basks in warm fuzzies*

posted by treepour 25 June | 23:08

Er, "mean" instead of "means".

posted by treepour 25 June | 23:09

Nothing of import to say, other than congratulations for going with your heart and gut and telling your internal committee to shut the hell up. Happy exploring.

Oh, and a plug for a show I saw in 1996 called "Medea: The Musical". The storyline fits your situation really well. Don't know if it's running now. Mebbe your googlefu will do better than mine did, tonight.

posted by Luminous Phenomena 25 June | 23:13

Thanks, Luminous. FWIW, I found this review that sums up the plot. I'll keep an eye out for it -- I seem to recall it running at some local theatre recently . . .

posted by treepour 26 June | 00:24

The ITV drama Bob and Rose is about just this sort of thing, and rather good, albeit fairly unknown. I recommend it, if you can find a copy.

posted by Arturus 26 June | 01:50

Whatever works for you treepour, my man:)

posted by hadjiboy 26 June | 06:30

I know any number of "ex" lesbians who are with men now, and apparently happy.

I have not heard of ANY situations the other way.

Tom Robinson, the 70s gay activist and performer of 'Glad to be Gay' later married and had children.

posted by essexjan 26 June | 06:53

I do think that [some number here] years in the future, the terms of sexuality will completely change, and nobody will be expected to "identify" as straight or gay, or even "bi". What we are beginning to see and accept now in terms of sexual fluidity is the long overdue beginning of a new paradigm.

posted by taz 26 June | 07:33

True dat, taz, but that's only because all the toxic waste and radiation will have turned us all into hermaphrodites.

posted by jonmc 26 June | 07:44

hermaphroditism will definitely be useful when it comes to repopulating the earth.

posted by taz 26 June | 07:54

Thanks for the Bob & Rose reference, Atrurus. (Though their website is apparently having some trouble -- I found the show's page here. Maybe I can offer to fix their website for them in exchange for a copy. :)

posted by treepour 26 June | 12:27

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