:-( So sorry you're going through all this.

How you hold grudges? Can you forgive?
It sounds like there is open communication and i can think of things i'd find more unforgivable and unable to tolerate, like, oh, being a junkie or being some crazy economic or physical threat.
When this sinks in and you have time to think about it, i hope the trust is there as much as the want to fight for it.

Not me personally, but I know people who survived and later, thrived. A few years ago (many years after the indiscretion) the guilty party passed away, but I'm friends with his widow and I can assure you that their marriage definitely did survive the blow and turned into something any of us would wish to emulate.

This sounds like a one time thing to me. Yep, he screwed up, and big time, but it sounds like he knows it and wants to try to fix it. Paradoxically this may turn out to be a blessing in disguise-not that adultery in itself is ever a good thing, but now you two have the opportunity to fix whatever was broken in the relationship. He's motivated to work on things, you sound motivated...I'd bet on you, if I were a betting woman.

Wow, I'm sorry. I hope you can work this out. Or not work this out, if that's better for you.

(((redvixen)))

I don't really have any advice to give, except to be honest with yourself about your feelings. You're a really smart woman, and it's good that he was honest with you and is trying to stay honest.

(To a completely ignorant outsider, it sounds like he might struggle with low-self esteem. I hope this is the impetus he needs to seek help, and hopefully you'll both come out as better people and as a stronger couple).

I've definitely known marriages, as bunnyfire says, that not only survived but eventually thrived after an affair. (For privacy's sake I can't go into details.) I've also known marriages where an affair finished the marriage off. (Ditto re: privacy.)

In other words, whether it's the beginning of the end of the marriage, or the beginning of a whole new chapter in the marriage, it depends on a whole host of factors -- the number one of which seems to be a mutual willingness to work at it. The fact that you say you believe in your marriage and that the two of you are talking, talking, talking says to me that you have a good shot at being one of those marriages that creates something even stronger out of such a heart-rending challenge.

Best of luck to you and your husband, redvixen.

Oh god, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I really, really hope you are a better person than me, because this would be an absolute deal-breaker for me and I would be out of there.

I think though, that if you both want it to work and you are prepared to learn to trust him again, you can make it work. You have to decide if it's worth it, I guess.

I doubt that there is but, if there is anything I can do, let me know. Anything. My e-mail is in my profile.

Sure, lots of marriages have survived infidelity. I think for most of the history of marriage in the western world surviving infidelity was pretty much the norm for marriages and still is in many, many cases.

I'd just be leery of the euphoria you're getting from the near-term breakthrough you seem to have had. It's nice that things seem to be turning a corner after a long shitty period but you need to think long term about whether you still have the fundamentals to make this work. He may be opening up and/or saying all the right things because he's finally bursting a long-built stress/guilt bubble. But what happens when that passes?

On some level he may now think that infidelity is okay. Whatever was said between you about it, you didn't automatically leave him (which is what he thought would happen). Perhaps he'll try it again with less fear of what happens when he's found out - or perhaps with no desire to come clean with you about it again.

I don't want to be pessimistic, I'm just advising practicality in the face of a dramatic time. The moving of heaven and earth that accompanies some tribulations can give us a heady sense of epic rightness but that isn't enough to carry us through the day-to-day for the rest of our lives.

Sorry this even happened. Lots of sympathy to you both.

Something about this bothers me. Do find a good therapist to figure out the dynamic and help you decide if he deserves you and if you two are better off together.

Sent you an email. For the record, my marriage didn't survive infidelity, although it lasted another year after the affair, after we had made up and after we kind of thought we were through it. The difference, however, is that you've always spoken glowingly about your marriage and mine, well, even before he went off, glowing was not exactly the term I'd use. Unless, you know, it would be like in the sense of Chernobyl or something. Radioactive puddles in scorched earth with the occasional 3 eyed mutant frog.

However, I have known marriages that did survive and it is possible and sometimes it's even, in a weird way, a good thing. Sometimes the thing to remember, and the only thing that's kept me going sometimes, is that things do work out. Not necessarily in the way we want them to, and not necessarily in a way that we ever even would have recognized at the time as "working out" but in a way so that in 15 or 20 years you look back and say, "Well, hell, that did kind of work itself out, didn't it?" Yeah. Like that.

Take care of yourself and your kids right now. Take a lot of good care because this is a huge shock and a terrible blow and it can sideswipe you when you're not even expecting it. Be very gentle with yourself and go ahead and ask your friends and family for help, because you may well need it. I don't know what else to add, except that, oh hon, I'm so, so sorry.

I've never been through something like this but it seems to me you're handling it in all the right ways (communicating, counseling, etc.).

As mentioned above, marriages do and don't survive infidelity. It's up to you two to figure out if your marriage will.

Big hugs, redvixen. I hope it all works out the way it should.

If he recognizes that he's the problem and he wants to get help, and he continues to get help for whatever prompted him to cheat on you, and you continue to work on this together, I absolutely think you'll do fine. You do seem to be on the right track already.

I also think that a lot of this is going to have hinge on not just his ability to change what made him go away, but your willingness to forgive. Not a lot of people can do that.

Very sorry to hear about this redvixen, but it sounds like you've got everything under control.

Here are the keys: Can you ever trust him again? Can he ever feel worthy of you again?

That's the way I see it anyway.

I believe in love. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in commitment. I believe in marriage. I think if the two of you can honestly say you have the first three, the last one can be salvaged and perhaps made stronger by the experience. Seeing what you're writing makes me think that if any marriage can survive this, yours can. I wish you and the mister the very best through all of this. And if you want I will say a prayer for the two of you.

I am deeply sorry. All I can add is to say please be sure to get some help and support for YOU.

arse, that's what us bunnies for!

So sorry, baby... I know just how that feels. My first marriage didn't survive it, but it was more of a situation like mgl describes - it wasn't the only problem, by a long shot, and it wasn't the first time. But I definitely do know of relationships that have weathered the storm.

I think the circumstances here do provide mitigating consideration - the intense stress imposed by the care-taking of such a difficult person stacked on top of all the normal life stressors, and then that jagged reminder of mortality and fleeting opportunity thrown into stark relief daily... well. It's not that difficult to imagine someone thinking, "oh, no - life is slipping away from me" and reaching out to grab something that represents their youth and vitality. I guess.

But, of course, your husband won't grow any younger, mortality will remain a certainty, and stress will always rear its ugly head in one form or another... so the question will be whether he can endure all those things without looking for a young thing to buoy him up next time, and the time after that, - and whether you can endure all that same stress with the added worry of wondering if every rough patch in the road will send him toodling down a side alley.

If he's an egotist it's a bit worrisome, because you really can't take on the responsibility of keeping that ball in the air... as much as you might try - so, yeah - a lot of things there might benefit from counseling.

One thing I'd like to advise, for you, is to take this as a turning point to really invest in yourself. You two may work it out and be even stronger, or it may go south despite all your best efforts. Either way, the best thing you can do is to really take care of yourself and "do for you" a bit. Do not subsume yourself in keeping his ego fluffed and stroked out of fear, and do not fall into a slough of despair that you're not young enough, attractive enough, etc. Though it may sound a bit of a paradox, my strong feeling about this is that now is the time for you to grab the reins on your own life and exert yourself to be and do what you want, including outside interests, and time and considerations you may have denied yourself, putting him and the family always first.

If you guys do well and overcome this hurdle, it will be good for him to understand that he also has to exert some effort to keep you interested and happy - that you are not just Old Dependable, always there to fix and make and do for him... And if it just doesn't work out, you should be able hit the ground running instead of being backed into the role of the poor little woman who must rummage amidst the shards of her shattered world to find herself.

All completely subjective and uninformed on my end, of course. Big grains of salt, and all that.

{{{{redvixen}}}}

I don't believe there are any hard and fast rules about this sort of thing. If you both believe it can work, and you are open with each other, there's no reason why it couldn't survive. I've known people who have got past this, and others who haven't. I wish you the best!

Thank you, everyone, so so much. Everyone has good points, and things I had not yet thought of but am starting to feel (angry, disappointed, strangely calm). Scarabic hit it on the head, I think, because although I'm willing to work, and I'll need therapy anyway, I think I will always wonder if he'll trot off again. And thank you, Taz, also for your comment. Heck, I knew you guys would help me feel better. We do feel strong and committed to making this work, and I think I've learned some things about myself also that will go a long way in the end. I'm starting to ramble again (please excuse me), so I'll just stop now, and once more give you all my heartfelt thanks, and tell you that I deeply appreciate your advice, both here, and privately. Thank you again.