LET'S ALL FLAMEOUT! I'LL GO FIRST ::SETS SELF ON FIRE, JUMPS FROM PLANE, SPINNING AND TWIRLING AND FLAMING:: YAAAAAY!

OKAY, ME NEXT :: SETS DICK ON FIRE; FIRE SPREADS INTO MY PUBES, DRY LIKE SUMMER CHAPARRAL; WIND FANS BLAZE: ASSHOLE BURNS; SPORADIC WILDFIRES REACH BACKS OF LEGS AND ARMPITS; SKIN CRACKLES LIKE TV DINNER; BURNS COVER HEAD, NECK, CHEST, AND THROAT; HEAD ERUPTS INTO HAIRY BONFIRE; THOUSANDS AMAZED AT HEAT, LIGHT.

WHY HAVEN'T THE PHONE GUYS HOOKED UP MY PHONE YET? IS IT REALLY SO HARD? I ONLY ASKED FOR A FANCY VOIP PHONE BECAUSE YOU ASSURED ME THAT IT WOULD BE INSTALLED BY LAST FRIDAY.

(Hugh Janus burns at both ends; he will not last the night; but ah, my foes, and oh, my friends - he gives a lovely light!)

I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY AIR LEFT IN MY SCHOOL. THE PALMS OF MY HANDS ARE A THOUSAND DEGREES. I'M SO HOT, I'VE STOPPED SWEATING. MY HEART FEELS LIKE A PO-GO STICK. I'M TAKING THE EARLY TRAIN HOME, DAMMIT, AND STANDING NAKED IN FRONT OF THE AIR CONDITIONER.

(*Puts charred remains of HJ on shelf. Lights candle.*)

OKAY, SO MY CAR'S AT THE BODY SHOP, BECAUSE SOME BOZO HIT IT IN A PARKING LOT, RIGHT? AND THE BOZO'S INSURANCE COMPANY GAVE ME A RENTAL, RIGHT? SO THE RENTAL-CAR PLACE GAVE ME A SHINY NEW 2007 CHEVROLET AVEO. AND IT'S NOT LIKE I'M REAL, Y'KNOW, INTO CARS, BUT WHAT A PIECE OF CRAP! THIS THING'S EVEN A PIECE OF CRAP COMPARED TO MY 15-YEAR-OLD PICKUP TRUCK (JUST TURNED 220K, WOO!)! AND NOW I FEAR THAT I'LL HAVE AN EXPERIENCE INVOLVING THE RENTED AVEO AND SOME KIND OF BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, LIKE JUDGE REINHOLD IN FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH AFTER HE GETS THE JOB AT LONG JOHN SILVER'S, OR WHATEVER THE HELL THAT PLACE WAS CALLED.

I... JUST...

GAAAAAAAAH!!!

YOU BASTARDS! WORK CONVERTED ME TO CONTRACTOR STATUS A MONTH OR SO AGO, AND RENEGOTIATED SALARY, BUT I NEGLECTED TO TAKE SELF-EMPLOYMENT TAX INTO ACCOUNT SO I JUST BUGGERED MYSELF WITH A $3K SALARY CUT! STUPID! STUPID!

NOW I NEED TO EITHER CALL AND RENEGOTIATE OR JUST EAT IT, OR GET A NEW JOB OR SOMETHING, BUT...BAH! STUPID! STUPID!!!

AAAAAAGH!! MULTIPLE PEOPLE WRONG-NUMBER TEXTING MY CELLPHONE, OVER AND OVER! I'VE CALLED THESE PEOPLE, I'VE TEXTED THEM, TO NO AVAIL. MY WIRELESS COMPANY SAYS THEY CAN'T BLOCK TEXTS COMING FROM PHONE NUMBERS (HELLO?? THIS IS 2007!!), THOUGH THEY CAN BLOCK THEM FROM THEIR PROPRIETARY EMAIL SERVICE, AND I CAN ALSO BLOCK TEXTS COMING TO OR GOING FROM MY PHONE (WHICH GETS RID OF THE INCOMING MESSAGES, BUT ALSO RENDERS *ME* UNABLE TO TEXT ANYONE!). AM I DOOMED TO CONTINUE TO RECEIVE CHAIN MAIL, TWEENY "WZUP??" MESSAGES, AND MESSAGES FROM A HORNY WOMAN SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA?? I REALLY DON'T WANT TO CHANGE MY PHONE NUMBER!!

HOW OBNOXIOUS, INITAPPLETTE! EVERYTIME I USED TO GET UNSOLICITED TEXTS, I WOULD CALL AND COMPLAIN AND THEY'D CREDIT MY ACCOUNT. SQUEEKY WHEEL, SQUEEKY WHEEL!

I'M WORKING ON THIS PHP/MYSQL DATABASE THING AND IT STORES IMAGE URLS AND THE INCORRECT PATH KEEPS GETTING PUT INTO THE URL BUT I'VE ROOTED-OUT EVERY REFERENCE TO THAT PATH IN THE PHP FILES (REALLY I HAVE, I'VE USED GREP TO SEARCH ALL THE FILES) AND ITS STILL HAPPENING I'VE GOT A PATH GREMLIN MY MY DATABASE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW OK I'M GOING TO GO EAT SOMETHING MAYBE THAT WILL HELP!!!!

THREE YEARS AGO, A KID RAN HIS HAND THROUGH A TABLE SAW BLADE, LOSING A FEW FINGERS FOR A FEW HOURS.

THEIR LAWYERS WAITED TILL THE LAST POSSIBLE DAY TO SUE, AND NOW DEPOSITIONS ARE GOING ON.

I SAT IN A WAITING ROOM FOR 3 HOURS, AFTER BEING GRILLED BY OUR LAWYERS ABOUT THE REPORT I WROTE AT THE TIME AND HOW, NOW, IT'S A LIABILITY. THEY SENT ME HOME BECAUSE THE PERSON BEFORE ME IS TAKING A LOT OF TIME BUT I HAVE TO BE DEPOSED AT SOME POINT DURING THE NEXT FEW WEEKS.

I HATE LAWYERS.