Last night, my wife used the company truck to help me bring the wood home.

Last night in the middle of sleep my wife draped her arm across my torso and pulled me tight to her.

Moments like that are everything.

I went on the first date with my wife 10 years ago today (here's the story of how we met). We had orchids at our wedding one year later. Yesterday I bought her an orchid plant for our anniversary. Tonight we are taking a break from high chairs and table toppers and eating out by ourselves.

If it's any consolation, Mike, during low times I've made this same request for reassurance of people, including at least one person right here on MeCha. Happy relationships are out there.

These are perfect. More please.

After 17 years, I can honestly say that years 2-5 were the rockiest- but hang in there, it's oh so worth it.

Being married for any considerable length of time feels like keeping an old car on the road. You need to carefully consider what repairs to make, and what to defer. Everything ebbs and flows. Sex, general satisfaction, humor, money, etc, etc.

It's also very worth it for me. My heart still lights up if I see my wife around town, unexpectedly.

My partner, 6'4" and substantially built, usually wrests all household heavy lifting from my hands, especially since my recent back injury. Groceries, stacks of books, laundry: he appropriates all heavy tasks and brooks no dissent. It's sweet, but over-solicitous.

Last night, he was lying cozily in bed when I entered the room, saw the mattress was askew from the boxspring, and decided to puuuuuuuuuuuush it back into true, both the mattress and his not inconsiderable bulk. This worked about as well as you might think: an injured, out-of-shape person trying to move A) a heavy bed and B) a heavy swain.

Instead of springing to his feet, clucking for me not to strain, he lay in bed and started to talk about ants and rubbertree plants... before pulling my straining frame ( and, by now, I was chanting through my efforts "ANT... CAN'T...") down on top of him, both of us giggling.

My heart still lights up if I see my wife around town, unexpectedly.

Oh, yes. When I see my fella out and about, my heart still goes pitter-pat.

When we're walking down the street, my guy puts his hand down to his side, palm out, and twiddles his fingertips, as a request for me to hold his hand.

My sister recently said, "You guys make us all sick... but in a nice way."

I'll be reading these comments closely too, mike.

Not story, but a photo. My girlfriend and I have been apart all year, while I've been on fellowship in Jerusalem and she's been living in Chicago. We just met up in Berlin for four days to go to a wedding. God, it was wonderful to see her again.

Relationships can be hard, but when you measure being known and loved despite your flaws against the crushing blackness of being alone...it's well worth fighting for a good thing.

When I read this question I asked the husband a question.

"Honey, would you consider our marriage strong?" He replied, "Pungent is more like it."

Jokes aside my husband and I have our minor clashes, but I couldn't imagine a life without him. He's my family and best friend. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve him. He's the most loyal, grown-up, decent human being I know. Hang in there Mike.

My wife is my best friend. Whenever we're apart, if I see something cool, the first thing I think about is how I wish she had been there to share it with.

but when you measure being known and loved despite your flaws against the crushing blackness of being alone...

Well... crap.

A cow-orker is getting married and was showing me engagement photos. I recognized one as being very similar to a wedding photo of ours and I pulled it up, having to search through many. It made me sad that there were so many people at the wedding who are either dead or permanently disabled. They'll never know how far we've come.

the crushing blackness of being alone...

Yeesh! Heavens, there are beauties in solitude as well...

oooh, BP; we've been together for 17 years, too!

And he still makes my heart sing, and I'm still amazed at my outrageous fortune. Finding my husband feels to me like winning the powerball lottery, except better, because if I had to choose between him and the most extravagant lottery jackpot ever, it would never be a contest. He is my lobster.

But about the crushing blackness... here's the thing; I would be okay on my own - even happy, and so would he. We're both just like that, I think. But he makes everything in the world better for me. I'm not with him because I would be miserable on my own, I'm with him because he expands my life and swells my heart (and other organs). I'm with him because he really is the other half of me - if we can get into fuzzymuzzy talk.

For what it's worth, if I could say only one thing about mutually happy, successful, long-term relationships, I would say that without a lot of generosity on both sides, it's very difficult. Be generous. Expect generosity.

oh mike, believe me i so know where you are!

backstory: i had a long relationship throughout my 20s and early 30s that i *knew* would never last. that didn't stop me from detonating both emotionally and financially when it finally all fell apart. i went thru all sorts of irrationality, such as leaving a stable, lucrative job (which i still haven't recovered from) to up and move to baltimore... a city i knew i would hate, to live with someone i had already had some serious reservations about. turns out that one was both mentally unstable AND alcoholic. can you say rebound? after that trainwreck derailed, i went on a binge of selfdestructive behaviour and essentially decided i was the one that was broken in some way, cos i couldn't find anyone to even spend time with in any meaningful fashion, much less who would work in any sort of longer relationship.

anyway, im not telling you all that stuff to rain on the parade. i'm telling you how hopeless it can all seem, when in reality it's likely just that some time and perspective needs to be gained.

little over a year ago now, i met a guy on a cruiser ride to whom i was madly attracted. you know, that kind of attraction where your heart just flips over and falls into your shoes when you catch their eye. but i was so post-traumatic from the trainwrecks i'd been through, i hadn't dated in a long while and... let's just say there were many reasons i had zero intention of getting involved with this guy. i figured it was better to preserve the fantasy of the crush than deal with the inevitability that we wouldn't work out. the biggest elephant in the room was the age gap; at the time he was 25, and i was about to turn 38.

we did develop a close friendship, and even spent a few evenings giggling over the post mortems of each other's terrible blind date experiences. each time, as we were about to head out the door of the denny's or cherry cricket or wherever, he'd say 'now, see - if you'd gone out with me, we wouldn't have had to HAVE this conversation...'

over the course of the next six months or so, he wore me down to the point where i finally agreed to go out with him for his 26th birthday bash (2nd November last fall). things progressed from there... well, let's just say it was that headlong tumble into the sort of wide-eyed, teenage gooey geegy soppiness that i previously thought was pure fiction, tho me being the cynic that i am, i was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

last valentine's day, he and my mother conspired to create a stunning engagement ring out of an antique piece i'd inherited from my grandmother, and he proposed in the car on the way to work... he was so nervous he was shaking, and we both cried. so i swallowed hard, stuffed all those doubts into a small dark corner of my soul and decided to just go with it, wherever it took me.

we got married in a quiet civil ceremony over my lunch break, just last month.

Did we know that??? If not, congratulations, lfr!!!!

Actually, congratulations even if everyone else did know that, and I'm behind the loop.

Sorry, I was just speaking from my experience. I didn't want to cast aspersions on anyone's happy solitude. I've been there too. But I don't look back on those times and recall being particularly happy. Quite the contrary...I think of particular moments of happiness that are notable for their contrast with the way I was usually feeling. We're social animals who are undermined by our need for independence. Negotiating those conflicting urges is an essential part of what it means to be human.

Maybe it's best not to glorify solitude or togetherness on its own, but to take satisfaction in having struck the proper balance between them.

Huh I didn't know that either...congratulations, lfr! What a great story.

occhiblu, i think really the only people who know are a few that were on at the right times in IRC. i've really only told close friends and family members. there's just something weird about sharing that part of my personal life online, though i'm slowly getting over that. i mean, i have no problem going on and on and on and ON about exes and stuff in the past... dunno why i'm so circumspect about my current/ongoing life. weird.

it really has been the most laughably assbackwards courtship and marriage ever, tho. talk about letting all the 'important stuff' just figure itself out - we were going to have a 'real' marriage ceremony and everything, but at the last minute we were just like, eh, fuck it, let's just save the money for the house, and have a party for the family later when we both have time to plan.

hell, we just finally got each of our roommate situations sorted so that we can actually *gasp* cohabitate! tho we've been pretty much living at each other's places since last december anyhows.

mrs richat and I celebrated out 12th anniversary on Sunday. We've had an interesting 2007...our kids are old enough now that we actually are getting out together again. At first, it was weird, but man alive, we are more in love with each other today than I can believe. In fact, in the last month or so, we've both admitted to having feelings of butterflies, like those first few months when you can't get enough, and all you can think about is hurrying up until you can be together again.

It's pretty wicked, really. We're still growing as individuals, but also able to find new depths to our togetherness too. I dunno, sounds so corny, but it's true.

My wife continuously forgives me for being a crazy person, worries about me and my well being, laughs at my jokes (especially when they make no sense) and tries really hard to listen to what I am asking her. I try really hard to do the same. We have our rough times, but as long as the feeling of compromise and generosity is there it will always be me and her against the world.

Jeez, this thread is making me feel lonely. Thanks a lot, guys.

Most of my sentiments would echo taz. Especially

I'm not with him because I would be miserable on my own, I'm with him because he expands my life and swells my heart (and other organs).

My husband is constantly reminding me, through his actions, that I'm the most important person to him. And he's the only person I've ever met that I can honestly say the same about, and want to make him happy. And, like IRFH,

Whenever we're apart, if I see something cool, the first thing I think about is how I wish (s)he had been there to share it with.

I am with taz and IRFH as well. My husband is my very best friend in the whole entire world, and every day that I have with him feels like I have won the lottery. Sometimes I have to quell the smug feelings of satisfaction at my lot in life, because as an Italian, I am aware of the fact that you invite the evil eye if you crow about your good fortune.
We complement one another entirely, and we never tire of eachother's company. I nearly lost him to cancer five years ago this month, which makes his life all the more special to me.

I love waking up next to my partner. When the alarm goes off, he rolls over and holds me for awhile, then someone hits snooze, and then I roll over and hold him for awhile until the alarm goes off again, both of us happily drifting in and out of sleep. Those moments are really paradise.

That said, I also like being alone. One of the happiest times in my life was actually right before I met him, when I felt totally and peace and whole just being myself in the world. A relationship was the last thing I wanted back then. Life is funny like that.

We sometimes discuss going our separate ways because we both so highly value solitude and independence. Both of us miss that feeling of being masters of our own destinies, and of not putting the needs of us as a "couple" before our individual wants & needs. I guess we're both pretty selfish that way, which I think is fine. But so far we've made it work, I think we've found the right balance between individual freedom and living life as a couple. It is a constantly re-negotiated balance, however -- and I think it's important not to lose sight of that. I find danf's metaphor of the car quite apt.

But yeah, it's often the little things that really make me feel lucky and get my heart pitter-pattering. Holding hands, cuddling in bed, even just taking the dog for a walk around the block on a beautiful night.

My partner makes up nicknames for me. They usually last about a year or two and then I get a new one. This silly little practice is one of the things I've come to adore over the course of our relationship. There are many other things I love, but its small details like this that stick with me at the comment box.

Maybe it's best not to glorify solitude or togetherness on its own, but to take satisfaction in having struck the proper balance between them.

Amen.

You and your lady friend look very happy together in your picture, by the way.

The crushing blackness is just fine. Really.

Re: the crushing blackness. As Miko and others have said, being unpartnered is NOT automatically equivalent to "crushing blackness." Many, many, many people are capable of leading full and satisfying lives without a spouse or partner.

I'm absolutely crazy in love with my guy (this week is our 2-year anniversary!) and I certainly don't ever want to lose him. He brings wonderful, immeasurable hilarity, joy, happiness, strength, and stability to my life. I'm delighted we met. But I can say truthfully that I was also pretty darn happy with my own life (socially, personally, professionally, creatively) before he and I met, and that I likely would have gone on having a good life even had we not met.

In other words: my boyfriend is not the source of my happiness; he has greatly augmented the happiness I'd already found (admittedly after many years of hard work). He's the proverbial icing on the cake. And yeah, it's awesome icing. But I think I baked a pretty good cake to begin with. :)

Last week I went to meet mrs chewie for lunch. i was a little early so I sat on the bench outside the restaurant in the sun to wait for her. I was looking & looking for her car, in & out of daydreaming. Then I turned and she was walking between the cars to get to the bench & my heart did the flip flop thing and we both smiled. 7 years next month.

We have many hysterical moments. Like the time we used the binoculars to see the score on the 13" tv in the bedroom. And the time we bought what we thought were edamame in the grocery. Came home, steamed them & thought, man these are way smaller than the ones at the restaurant. We painstakingly extracted micro peas from their shells & laughed our asses off. She had just moved down, and said she should call back north and say, "Yeah. We're doing just great down here in NC!" as she chased tiny green spheres around her plate for dinner.

'The crushing darkness' made me smile a bit.

I think anyone who knows me well would attest to my general spirit of independence. Not lack of ability/desire to commit, but genuine fondness and appreciation for autonomy. I'll even admit a preference for it. I enjoy companionship, but don't exactly seek it out...platonic, romantic or sexual.

Last year, I met two men: J and G. [Sparing details] G and I were immediately amicable, it was easy and comfortable and though we didn't always agree on specifics, we shared the same approach to life and mindset about many, many things. Our lengthy conversations were flowing, stimulating and fun. Our friendship blossomed.

Several months later, I met J. It was electric from the first few words exchanged. God, he made my head swim. But it was a sort of summer camp scenario and not meant to last. We went into it knowing that, but were both floored by the intensity. We both fell hard and fast. But as the saying goes, it's not the fall that hurts, it's that nasty impact. Despite a late developing plot twist, we did not, in fact, end up together...though we remain good friends.

G was along for the whole ride. Sometimes an ear and shoulder, but most often the person with whom I held conversations with in my head until I could share with him directly. After J and I reset our relationship and I continued to grow closer by day with G, I realized in an odd, backwards sort of way, I had been falling in love with G all along. He had been my emotional and intellectual intimate, he was who I wanted to share so much of myself with and learn more and more about. He was the one I fantasized about waking up and falling asleep beside...spending the rest of my days with. His mind and body and our life together was the terrain I wanted to continuously explore.

In the following months we explored all of that together. Gently, but without fear. Never have I felt so much as though I were coming home. Never has something felt so much like the big, "Ah HAAAA!!"

I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.

Those, essentially, were his last words to me. And, ironically, he did just that. Pulmonary embollism. End of story.

It's been six months. I still wake up and hear him sighing in his sleep, his breath stirring the hairs on the back of my neck. I've learned to embrace that misheard sound and inferred synaptic response and go back to sleep instead of rolling over to the harsh reality of a bed empty of him.

I'm still very independent, but I've always known that we're pack animals and need each other, perhaps it's just in the last year or so that I've truly learned that fact. My solitude is not a crushing blackness and I still enjoy it to a great degree: I'll take quality solitude over mediocre company any day...but I miss G. I miss our us, our reality, our future. Nothing is quite the same.

Mike, I haven't the slightest idea what I'm conveying to you right now except maybe that relationships can be wonderfully life changing, if arduous and painful. Despite his absence, I thank G everyday for all of his love, respect and tenderness in showing me that.

Oh, Frisbee Girl. I had no idea. *big hugs*

I'm so sorry for the loss, Frisbee Girl, but so happy for the love.

Fris, wow. I'm dumbstruck.

Everyone, thank you so much for this thread. I've been doing some serious soul searching and this has been an important step in that. You have no idea how much you've helped me. I'm being purposefully vague, and I apologize for that. The thanks are sincere and from the bottom of my heart.

((((Frisbee Girl))))

Congrats to lfr, hugs to Frisbee Girl & mike9322, and thanks to everyone for participating in this thread. I kinda needed it, too.

I love these kinds of threads.

Thank you for telling us that story, Fris.

Me, I'm glad I got to have that feeling once. I'd like to have it again, but I know I'm not entitled to it. I'm just greatful that I know what it is.

Frisbee Girl, you and essexjan have suffered the same horrendous loss. You would probably understand each other exactly. I am so sorry for your loss.


It's hard, when you're in a rough patch, to sometimes appreciate what you have. When you're under stresses, the kids are getting on your last nerve, the laundry came out with unexplained splotches...and the slightest little thing your partner says makes you want to scream. But you take a step back, take a second, take a deep breath. Every life is a rollercoaster on it's own - twice as long when you're in a committed relationship. There will always be ups and downs, sunshine and shadows. True love is in sticking it out, waiting it through - making it to the other side. And enjoying the journey you began together.

"Congrats to lfr, hugs to Frisbee Girl & mike9322..."
posted by TrishaLynn 05 June

'xactly.

Hugs to fg and mike...

My other half and I do that wake-up hold each other thing too..:)

I'm so sorry, Frisbee.

Relationships can be hard, but when you measure being known and loved despite your flaws against the crushing blackness of being alone...

It's cool to see someone put "being known" right up on the same level as "being loved." They are not one and the same thing.

Last night I gave my boo a foot massage and got to know each little wrinkle and bump of her two feets. That was neat. Got to know her a little more. I lit a candle and played her an album I love, which quickly became and album she loves. She got to know me a little more.

The day before she sat me down and asked me very seriously "How's life going for you?" I said something brilliant in reply, like "What?" But then once I really heard her question we had a long talk and a bunch of stuff came out that I hadn't quite even realized was there under the surface.

Since then I've been thinking things through a lot more clearly. I'm so fucking dumb lucky.

Fris, I'm really, really sorry for your loss. Somehow, you have successfully conveyed, to me and I suspect to others, how to live with elan, and joy. I'm really sorry that you got gut-punched by life like that. Somehow, though, I doubt it will crush you. I suspect the verve is still there, and always will be.

/going to bed feeling pretty thankful tonight.

Okay, this isn't much, I suppose, but what the hell---

My career went through the acceleration phase after college, but at 44, things have stagnated. I am kind of depressed about my job right now. It's okay but certainly not fabulous.

Mrs. Doohickie on the other hand stayed home to raise our (now teenaged) sons, and languished in very thankless part-time, non-professional jobs when we needed the extra money. Not having enough money to put our boys through college, we decided to put her through college first, spending what little college money saved for the boys on her. We figured her salary as a teacher could finance our sons' college bills.

So now, two years after graduation, she's a bigshot lead social studies teacher at an inner-city high school with nearly 2000 students, and she just started her masters. I'm so proud and happy to see her career succeeding beyond our wildest expecations that I really don't mind my career doldrums nearly as much.

We live a shared life. The happiest part of my day is when I get home and she spends the first half hour or so telling me about her day. She's getting ahead for herself, but she is also having such a big impact on the lives of a lot of the students she teaches.... It gives me hope for the future and faith in our society that one person can make a difference. And I feel honored and humbled to be married to such a person.

That's lovely, Doohickie.