THAT SUCKS! ESPECIALLY THE BIRTHDAY PLANS!!!

IS IT WRONG THAT I THINK IT'S KIND OF COOL YOU ONCE GOT BITTEN BY A BLACK WIDOW SPIDER? I MEAN, I'M SURE IT WAS NOT COOL AT THE TIME, BUT IT'S KIND OF A BAD-ASS THING TO BE ABLE TO SAY ABOUT ONE'S PAST.

YES IT IS COOL, ESPECIALLY SINCE THE SCAR IT LEFT BEHIND MAKES IT LOOK LIKE I GOT SHOT SO I CAN EITHER TELL THE TRUTH OR TELL A LIE AND YET IT'S STILL COOL AS ALL HELL EITHER WAY HAH HAH HAH.

OKAY I AM NOW GETTING ON THE COUCH WITH HELEN (WOMAN. I. WOULD. GO. STRAIGHT. FOR!!!!) MIRREN, THE ENTOURAGE BOYS, BARNEY STINSON, AND ALL THE LOSTAWAYS AND HEROES. YES, I HAVE A MAGICALLY ENORMOUS COUCH. YOU MAY JOIN ME IF YOU WISH. I AM NOT CONTAGIOUS.

BRING YOUR OWN VICODIN, THOUGH. ALSO PERHAPS YOUR OWN MAGICAL TIME-SPACE BENDING SWORD.

I HATE SPIDERS AND THIS ONLY REINFORCES WHY.

THERE'S THIS CHINESE BBQ PLACE OUT BY WHERE MY DAD WORKS AND WE WENT THERE LAST SATURDAY WITH SOME FRIENDS AND NOW I JUST HEARD THE PLACE GOT ROBBED ON MOTHER'S DAY AND THEY KILLED THE OWNER. FUCKERS, I HOPE BLACK WIDOWS GET THEM.

OH YEAH, AND HERE'S MORE SYMPATHY FOR YOU. WITH ICE CREAM ON TOP!

I DON'T HAVE ANY VICODIN, CAN I BRING MY OXYCODONE, INSTEAD? SORRY YOU FEEL SO BAD!!!

I'm giving you sympathy but I'm not going to yell about it.

And that's a totally awesome story. You got bitten by a black widow spider dude. And you lived. You've got battle scars dude! DUDE!

graphic photos: cellulitis

ILLNESS IS AWFUL!! THE BOYFRIEND STARTED WITH A FEVER OF 103F ON SUNDAY AND HAS BEEN FEVERISH EVER SINCE. THE DOCTORS CAN'T DO ANYTHING BUT TELL ME TO GIVE HIM TYLENOL FOR THE FEVER - THERE ARE NO OTHER SYMPTOMS. BAH! WHY CAN'T EVERYONE JUST BE HEALTHY?

I WILL MOST CERTAINLY JOIN YOU ON THE COUCH - I'LL BRING THE CRANBERRY JUICE AND HOMEMADE CHICKEN SOUP!

i feel so alone siting here with my big nut

YEAH I HAVE A HISTORY WITH SPIDERS. BRING ALL YOUR FRIENDS TO MY MAGIC COUCH! IT IS MAGIC BECAUSE IT IS ALWAYS SPIDER-FREE! AMONG OTHER REASONS!

I READ THAT AS "BUG NIT" MISCHIEF

WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH ALL YOU PEOPLE AND YOUR SNAZZY PAINKILLERS? THEY RIPPED ME OPEN AND REMOVED A HUMAN AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY GAVE ME FOR PAIN? MOTRIN!!! MOTHERFUNKING MOTRIN!!!

AND EVERYTIME I SEE THE WORDS "BLACK WIDOW" THAT BARBRA STREISAND SONG PLAYS IN MY HEAD. (I can't be the only person here raised by a Streisand-obsessed mother, can I?)

I HOPE YOU HEAL UP SOON, WOLFDADDY.

THANK YOU JROSSI4. FYI, FROM MY EXPERIENCE WORKING IN THE HEALTHCARE INDUSTRY, THE AMOUNT OF PAINKILLERS YOU WILL RECEIVE DURING A SITUATION SUCH AS YOU DESCRIBE IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO THE AMOUNT OF PAIN YOU ARE CAUSING TO THE NEAREST HUMAN OR HUMANS. SO GO BUG-EYED AND START SMASHING PEOPLE AROUND THE FACE AND NECK AS HARD AS YOU CAN. MORPHINE WILL ARRIVE SHORTLY THEREAFTER. TRUE STORY.

I SOMEHOW BECAME A HOMOSEXUAL WITH PARENTS THAT HATED STREISAND, MONROE, AND GARLAND. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN???

WOLFDADDY, I HAVE HAD CELLULITIS (FROM A REALLY BAD CASE OF POISON IVY) AND IT SUCKS! BUT IT'S DEFINITELY BETTER THAN HAVING A BLOOD CLOT! THE ANTIBIOTICS SHOULD CLEAR IT UP SOON -- HANG IN THERE!

I'M WITH JROSSI4: I WANT YOUR KICKASS MEDS! SOME CRAZY LADY DROVE INTO ME WITH HER CAR --- HER WHOLE ENTIRE CAR, MIND YOU --- AND THE DOCTOR GAVE ME TYLENOL. (ooooo, extra-strength! I'm all aquiver!) WRONG ANSWER, DOCTOR. SO WRONG!

WOLFDADDY, BEING SICK IS TEH SUCK! HELEN MIRREN AND ICE CREAM SOUND LIKE THE APPROPRIATE RESTORATIVES. ALSO, TELLING PEOPLE THAT BLACK WIDOW STORY AND WATCHING THEIR FACES DROP IN SHOCK AT WHAT A BADASS YOU ARE. YEAH, THAT OUGHT TO HELP.

HOPING YOU FEEL BETTER SOON, WOLFDADDY. BEING SICK ON YOUR BIRTHDAY IS NEVER ANY FUN. :(

ALSO SECONDING USING BLACK WIDOW STORY FOR BADASS PURPOSES.

*ponders number of times he's been bitten by black widows, nervously adds even more garlic to his diet*

WOLFDADDY, THAT SUCKS. SORRY YOU WILL BE MISSING BIRTHDAY FESTIVITIES.

I AM NOT DOUBTING IN THE LEAST THAT YOU WERE BITTEN BY A SPIDER SIX YEARS AGO. BUT MANY PEOPLE ASSUME THEY WERE BITTEN BY A SPIDER WHEN IT IS REALLY A STAPH INFECTION.

SO MANY PEOPLE BITTEN BY SPIDERS IN THEIR BEDS!! DID THESE PEOPLE SEE THE SPIDER? THIS IS WHAT ER DOCTORS ASK. PEOPLE NEVER SAW THE SPIDER! THEY JUST ASSUME. THERE WAS NEVER A SPIDER!

GOOD WISHES FOR ONLY A COUPLE MORE DAYS ON THE COUCH.

Poor WolfDaddy... many whuffles your way.

Bummer about your birthday. On my sweet 16th, I was diagnosed with mono. My throat was so sore, I couldn't swallow a blessed thing. We put the cake (with extra flowers, of course) in the freezer. Ah, well. Do hope you feels all better soon.

AND HERE I THOUGHT PEOPLE EXAGGERATED WITH SPIDERS, WHICH I KINDA FIND CUTE...

FEEL BETTER SOON MR WOLFDADDY! ALL MY BUNNY WISHES TO YOU!!!

AS FOR BIRTHDAY, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SKIP IT THIS YEAR?! YOU CAN CLAIM A YEAR YOUNGER!!! (I so would, but then again I am a little vain...)

WOLFDADDY THAT WAS A REALLY GOOD READ, ALTHOUGH REALLY SATURATED WITH LINKS (WASSUPWITDAT?). I ENJOYED IT THOROUGHLY. GOT ANY MORE STUFF YOU'VE WRITTEN? I ENJOY READING PERSONAL ACCOUNTS OF THINGS. I'M WEIRD LIKE THAT, BUT THEY'RE MY FAVORITE TYPES OF BOOKS. PRETTY MUCH ANY WELL WRITTEN NON-FICTION FIRST PERSON NARRATIVE WILL DO.

YOU DONE BEIN' SICK YET?

eep!!! Poor Wolfdaddy! I so sorry u feels bad on ur burfday. I gift u many the kissez.

Also, I HAZ SPIDERZ. Many spiderz in mah house. Ascared.

CITRUSFREAK12, THAT STORY IS PART OF EVERYTHING2.COM, A WEBSITE TO WHICH I USED TO CONTRIBUTE FREQUENTLY. THE LINKS ARE MEANT TO GUIDE YOU TO OTHER WRITINGS IN THE DATABASE (IT'S CONSIDERED BY SOME AS A LESS FORMALIZED PROTO-WIKIPEDIA, THOUGH MANY E2 CONTRIBUTORS WOULD PROBABLY BE INCENSED AT THE COMPARISON). IF YOU CLICK HERE YOU'LL GET A LIST OF THE STUFF I'VE WRITTEN THERE...MOSTLY PERSONAL, CATHARTIC STUFF, AND STARTING WITH MY MOST RECENT WRITING AND WORKING BACKWARDS (THOUGH YOU HAVE OTHER SORT METHODS ON THAT PAGE IF YOU WISH, SUCH AS 'REPUTATION'--E2 WORKS ON A VOTE-BASED SYSTEM, SOMEWHAT). I STARTED WRITING THERE BEFORE BLOGGING BECAME THE IN THING, WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY I DON'T HAVE A REAL BLOG LIKE ALL THE KOOL KIDS. ANYWAYS, GLAD YOU LIKED THE STORY, HOPE YOU ENJOY THE REST. I FIRST ENCOUNTERED OUR OWN LOQUACIOUS ON E2, AS WELL AS MEETING NEARLY 100 MEMBERS OF THE SITE OVER THE YEARS.

I'M DOZING OFF AND ON (I HAVE TO TAKE ONE ANTIBIOTIC OR ANOTHER EVERY 4 HOURS) AND AM HAPPY TO REPORT THAT THE REDNESS HAS PALED IN COLOR AND MAY BE EVEN DECREASING A BIT. YAY! AND THANKS BUNNIES. I REALLY DO LURVE YOU ALL, YOU'RE ALL THE BESTEST FAVORITE BUNNIES IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

OMG ZPIDERS ARE IN TAZZIES HOUZE, SPINNIN' DA WEBZ! I BRING DA RAIDZ IN CANS.

EEE WOLFDADDY! FOR MY SIXTH BIRTHDAY, I GOT THE CHICKEN POX AND HAD TO DELAY THE PARTY. I DON'T MIND SPIDERS, THEY GET RID OF OTHER BUGS...I SAW A TINY SCORPION IN MY HOTEL ROOM IN AZ ONCE AND LET IT CRAWL UNDER THE BED--SENDING THE THOUGHT THAT I HAD GREAT RESPECT FOR IT. NOTHING HAPPENED.

I like spiders well enough (about a millionmilliontrillion times better than roaches, for example), but don't like that Greece is a Brown Recluse zone, that I actually found a Brown Recluse at my old house, and that this house seems to have the full spider buffet.

In fact, we have all sorts of flying, crawling, hopping, jumping, gnawing, biting, stinging things... something new everyday! We have bumblebees the size of cadillacs. Yesterday I saw a locust that looked like he was straight out of the Old Testament; I expected him to sit up in the kitchen chair and demand supper.

Note to self: Never, ever, ever ever, ever, ever ever ever go to Greece, ever. Ever.

and I didn't even mention the scorpions. When in Greece, shake your shoes out before you put them on. (I haven't seen any scorpions here, yet, though. Keep your fingers crossed.)

Also with scorpions and spiders? Shake out your undies too. Not kidding. Let's just say an in-law of mine has got a better (or worse, actually) spider bite story to tell than mine.

MIKE SMASH!

Also with scorpions and spiders? Shake out your undies too.

I lived in Texas from age 7 to 15; my general policy, even here in New England, is to shake out everything. Don't want nothin' sharing your garb with ya. No, you do not.

And WolfDaddy: I Am Dumb; I completely missed the part about your birthday. THAT STINKS AND SHOULD BE RECTIFIED.

*sympathy waves & sympathy whuffles*

You have my sympathy, WolfDaddy. I got cat scratch fever once.

HEY YOU KILLED A BLACK WIDOW SPIDER WITH YOUR BARE HAND! OMG! YOU'RE MY MANLY SPIDER-KILLIN' HERO! I HOPE YOU GET BETTER SOON!

OKAY, NOW HAVING CAT SCRATCH FEVER? THAT'S FREAKIN' COOL. THE NUGE, MAN, THE NUGE!!!!