artphoto by splunge
artphoto by TheophileEscargot
artphoto by Kronos_to_Earth
artphoto by ethylene





Mecha Wiki

Metachat Eye


IRC Channels



Comment Feed:


14 May 2007

My new notepad. And my new job.[More:]

Since last Wednesday, I've been working in the Queens Tower of Doom's Manhattan mothership as a financial analyst and junior project manager in the economic capital group, on a account-to-portfolio level consolidator for the ToD's $450 billion (yep, with a "B," as in "Big heap wampum") risk portfolio. Nice job, lots to learn, great group of coworkers, big pay raise, free breakfast.

Soon I will be master of all I survey, but for the time being, I've been reduced to cryptic notepad entries like these:

BET list - XXXXX exception - auto check data
BRD - show collections - mov'ts up down


MONTHLY TIMELINE submit by BD10 R/W 5/14 | BD12 T/D 5/16
Ret Wsale | Treas Decomp

1) DQ
2) 1-off Anal (Wsale ex)
3) Stat Rept
4) UAT check #s intuitively


BRD 4.1
p. 26 - Why, in field: aaENRBal1 and aaENRBal2, is the descr less $100M and gr eq $100M, resp, but in the long descr "less than $100 thou" and "greater than or equal to $100 thou?"

p. 33 - Look up "floor planning" in context of aaNewOreoRepo - "$New OREO/Repossessed Inventory"
I can see the tower of doom from the porch. wave, you shitheel.
posted by jonmc 14 May | 09:53
I'd like to hear more about the 1-off Anal kthxbi
posted by iconomy 14 May | 09:54
Dude! Time 2 Embezzle!!

...or buy them into nothing but green, socially- and environmentally-friendly investments!!

Or just screw some Big Nasty over bad then lose your job with a huge, satisfying bang!

You got da power, now use it well, young Jedi.

posted by shane 14 May | 10:01
I'm in the angle-topped polished aluminum Palace of Evil on Lex, jonmc. I'm giving you the finger as I type.

And the 1-off Anal is my whole secret to staying Hugh.
posted by Hugh Janus 14 May | 10:09
Congratulations on your new job Hugh!
posted by halonine 14 May | 10:15
I'd like to hear more about the 1-off Anal kthxbi

I'd like to hear more about NewOreoRepo kthxbi

/less daring; loves cookies

Congrats, Hugh!!

posted by taz 14 May | 10:27
NewOreoRepo is a process in which Harry Dean Stanton hotwires trucks full of crated Nabisco cookies and consumes them before they can reach the open market.
posted by Hugh Janus 14 May | 10:35
At least throw some corporate schwag our way. Sheesh.
posted by danf 14 May | 10:36
Swag, dude; it's swag. Schwag I can't talk about at work.
posted by Hugh Janus 14 May | 10:42
yay new job!
posted by gaspode 14 May | 10:46
You had me at free breakfast.
posted by Pips 14 May | 10:47
Huh, I was just thinking about a plate of Oreos.
posted by mrmoonpie 14 May | 10:49
I envy you; I'm in a position where I feel I've seen everything there is to see and it's time for some new scenery, but I haven't found the right scene yet.
posted by Doohickie 14 May | 11:01
"financial analyst and junior project manager in the economic capital group, on a account-to-portfolio level consolidator for the ToD's $450 billion (yep, with a "B," as in "Big heap wampum") risk portfolio."

I understand maybe three of those words. Oh, I know the definitions, but altogether that sentence is pure gobbledegook. You...look at the financial market and decide what to buy/sell/hold? Along with bunches of other people? Or do you mainly just write documents, like how I'm an "engineer" but my number 1 job is to write about engineering?
posted by muddgirl 14 May | 11:04
You need to install a zipline from the tower to Jon's house hugh. Mazel tov on the new job. At current rates of work and family life I might get a chance to congratulate you on it somewhere in the middle of next month.
posted by Divine_Wino 14 May | 11:04
Well from all your posting, it looks as if your new job is the same as your previous. Posting on Metachat. Although in Queens rather than Manhattan.

posted by danf 14 May | 11:05
Other Real Estate Owned -- once a piece of property has been foreclosed on, but before the bank can sell it, it moves from FIP (Foreclosure in Progress) status to OREO status, remaining on the balance sheet but written off as far as risk is concerned.

FIPs are lumped with RIPs (Repossessions in Progress) as they share a basic mechanism and are similarly accounted for, which is why you see OreoRepo connected, above.
posted by Hugh Janus 14 May | 11:07
Congrats Hugh. I hope they'll allow you some time off for a meeteup when I arrive in NYC in a few weeks.
posted by essexjan 14 May | 11:15
Of course job titles are misleading, muddgirl. Here's what I do: BiggiBank has heap big wampum invested in all sorts of stuff, largely consumer debt like mortgages, car and student loans, and credit accounts, but also in domestic commercial and retail accounts, international consumer and commercial debt, and a variety of increasingly complex financial instruments.

When a bank writes a loan of any kind, it carries a risk of default. The customer can increase the risk of default by not keeping up with monthly payments, or decrease the risk by paying them off. It's more complicated than this, and there's a whole flight wing of crack PhDs working on equations to evaluate risk on the other side of this floor.

Every investment everywhere is rated for risk. The problem is, with a huge and diverse risk portfolio like BiggiBank's, every system of ratings isn't the same. Americans might be familiar with FICO, or Fair Isaac Corporation, credit scores. Everyone has one; it's a number between 300 and 850. But that's just one scale. Some of the far-flung international investments have ratings scales involving letters, some integers between 0 and 10; you get the picture.

This is where my group steps in: it's project-based (hence the junior project manager title), and we've been brought together to build a system and protocols for analyzing and weighing risk that will take this diverse input and give us a standardized score by which we can compare risk in all our investments. Because it works by gathering account-level information from all these sources and then feeding the data into equation after equation, we can put together reports comparing any of the data by any criteria, and never worry about comparing apples to oranges again.

Not only that, but I can look at a balance sheet for the entire portfolio, and then drill all the way down and take a look at that small-business loan Mr. ----- took out to start his chartered fishing operation in Guam. He's up-to-date on his payments.

It's all very exciting, really.

And of course I'll make the time to meet you, essexjan. Wouldn't miss it for the world.
posted by Hugh Janus 14 May | 12:25
Oh, and what's more, this job won't be derailed by a sudden discovery that my boss' boss hates me, like my last job here (well, by "here" I mean in the same company; I used to work in Treasury Derivatives in Queens, now I'm in Economic and Regulatory Capital in Manhattan).

You see, there's a good chance I decked my boss' boss to the turf fifteen years ago, and that he ran around whacking me with a stick in retaliation. While I was studying Japanese at a small Quaker school in the shallow midwest, he was stationed at a nearby Air Force base. Both entities had club lacrosse teams that met in non-league friendlies (mostly at my school; airbase passes for a whole team of Quaker pinko college kids were usually out of the question, so we either played at home or on neutral ground). We played at the same time, and our teams met a lot, for lack of competition (lax hadn't really spread so far into the interior back in the early 90's).

So whatever might happen here at work, it could hardly be worse than me lowering my shoulder and pinning him right in the numbers when he turns his head, right?
posted by Hugh Janus 14 May | 14:15
So whatever might happen here at work, it could hardly be worse than me lowering my shoulder and pinning him right in the numbers when he turns his head, right?

Once, when I was still very new at my job, my boss asked me, " went to such and such college. Did you know John Doe?" And I did. In the biblical sense. And it turned out that he had married my boss's best friend, whom he had apparently been dating while he was sleeping with me. Small world. Small, horny world.

So, yeah, it could be worse. But..anyway..congrats on the new job!
posted by jrossi4r 14 May | 14:28
Free Oreos for breakfast? Schweet! Congrats, Hugh!
posted by deborah 14 May | 14:38
Oh, and there's this guy from Hong Kong in the office around the corner who sounds just like Nigel Tufnel from Spinal Tap in an alternate career path, only instead of selling hats he's partitioning portfolios.

"No; we're all out. Do you wear black?" See, that sort of thing I think I could probably... muster up.
posted by Hugh Janus 14 May | 15:37
Hm, Hugh, I think you might be working for the same MegaCorp that my other half codes for.

Congrats on the new post!
posted by By the Grace of God 14 May | 15:40
If their trademark used to keep the rain off but now just looks frowny, or if they own 53rd St. from the river to the park, I bet you're right. And thanks!
posted by Hugh Janus 14 May | 15:45
Nope, he works for one of their competitors! I agree, the new logo of your new bosses looks like poo.
posted by By the Grace of God 14 May | 16:07
(better than other half's bosses' logo, though!)

posted by By the Grace of God 14 May | 16:08
When corporations get this big, there's no such thing as competition, only collusion. They probably collude on boring logo designs, too.

When I'm president, I'll break the trusts like One-Shot Teddy. I'll be eligible to run in two weeks.
posted by Hugh Janus 14 May | 16:14
This rocks. || NPR did a story on online musical collaboration