MetaChat - A miserable long bitching thread

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10 May 2007

A miserable long bitching thread - apologies.. Overly intense boss being incresibly hard on me yesterday. I smiled and listened and didn't show stress.. it just made me sick inside. Does the world want me to be sick?→[More:]
Answer this question folks. What are we, dead nothings in the world? Are we supposed to suck it up? be silent? suffer silently? Is that what I am supposed to be doing? Does nobody in the world (including my better half) really know me or understand me? Are we supposed to bow our heads and accept feeling miserable until we don't feel it anymore?

Plus, a scary trip back to the US and Canada. I have to go to Canada because my grandparents are throwing a 60th wedding anniversary and an aunt has just summoned us there. Aunt never writes a how are you or a do you need anything note.. just summons us there.. plus, my father isn't really invited due to his new wife, so I have to go back to the US and see them, too.

I'm just fuckin' scared to go. I don't want to see my family; don't want to pretend, to cover up my tattoos and find things to talk about that aren't about my life (they're not going to want to hear about all my political work and the election etc); don't want to visit my father, either, as his wife's really hostile and weird. Don't want to see my brothers or even my sister; I feel like I'm intruding even when I send a note - they're always too busy and now I write less and less, took them off my buddy lists (they're always too busy) and give them the P.R. version of my life. And I don't want to go to the US and worry about border issues with Better Half or with me, even though I KNOW the chance is small..

Better Half gives me lots of hugs, and tells me stuff will be fine, but I don't think he really understands how bad it feels. He says "It'll be fine" or "I'm looking forward to the trip" and then I'm quiet even to him - who am I to dampen his good time?

I'll keep going because there doesn't seem to be any option to let people know I'm in pain.. there's no disability card I can wave at my boss to tell her that her intense behaviour and her disorganisation is stressing me out; I'll try to see if I am doing OK when I get some sort of official meeting-y chance but worrying about this stuff too much is probably part of the problem so I HAVE TO HIDE EVEN THAT. And I'll go to Canada and then to the US, and if one or the other of us gets stopped I'll ask for help I guess, and the whole family will think I'm purposefully attracting attention to myself.

Maybe you one day at a time people have it?

Maybe I have an excess of self? Maybe there's a parasite on my true self which I need to kill, and then my true self, a much humbler thing that fits better into the world will fit?

post by: By the Grace of God at: 02:24 | 16 comments

On second read:

Sorry for the bitching, as well. After I write this I'm heading out to work. I'm lucky and blessed in life as well, I know this.

posted by By the Grace of God 10 May | 02:39

((((whuffles))))

Take another flyer on your family, Grace. Sadly, a 60th anniversary is a comparatively rare event in this modern world. And like it or not, it's bound to be something of a rehearsal for funerals, but with some of the future honorees still taking attendance. Go, while they can still mark you in the "progeny in good standing" column. And if there are nametags, write big! Speak up! Be smiling in all the pictures!

All kidding aside, it will mean much more to them than your discomfort will to you. And later, in your own life, when your turn comes, it will entitle you to take attendance at some future function, where kids will be covering up their protein holograms, or something.

As for Dad + new wife, I think it's the permanent condition of step mothers and adult children, especially, step daughters, to be at odds. Any yet, there is no exception granted such parties under the homicide laws, in either direction. Maybe there should be, but don't you be the test case.

posted by paulsc 10 May | 03:40

I've been drinking, so please excuse the following:

No, the world doesn't want you to be sick. The world wants you to sit quietly and sip your tea. Really, work made me want to cry on Tuesday and that's what I did. It helped. Also, take a few deep breaths and don't talk for a while.

Take it in stride. You know you're awesome, we know you're awesome. So fuck them. Set high standards for yourself and meet/exceed them. When your boss expects more, you know you've done your best and can take his/her expectations into consideration when re-evaluating your own. But they may be too outrageous. That's ok. You know you did your best.

Don't fuck your family, but don't hide yourself from them. They're your family - they have to love you. Be yourself. They will (eventually) see you for the awesome heart you are.

As paulsc said, it will mean more discomfort to them than you. Be confidant. They won't want to know what to do with it.

And where are you coming in the US? I am hoping that you're going to be somewhere near Chicago so you can take a bit of time to hang out.

Above all, we love you!!!
((whuffles and hugs))

posted by youngergirl44 10 May | 04:36

oooh! That's a great idea. Try to arrange things so that you can meet up with some mecha/mefi people, and that will be a special thing just for you - a reward for dealing with some tough stuff. Bunnies will hugggg you and squeeeeeze you and call you "Grace". :)

posted by taz 10 May | 04:49

Best of luck at the border, btgog. I'm hoping you might notice some little change in the U.S. since you were last here and look forward to hearing your impressions on whether we've turned a corner at all.

Stay strong on the family and work fronts. I'm sure you are justified in your frustrations. I'm sorry you feel comfortable sharing them with the the people involved.

Come to DC. :)

posted by danostuporstar 10 May | 08:05

err...don't feel comfortable.

posted by danostuporstar 10 May | 08:06

You don't have to go anywhere you don't want to go, hon.

posted by bunnyfire 10 May | 08:08

clarif: i am going. just reluctant

posted by By the Grace of God 10 May | 08:42

I'm going through all of these emotions too about big family events and how people interact with each other when there is much hatred. I don't know what it's going to be like, because it's my party and I'm feeling pressure from all sides to invite/not invite some folks.

If you want a tiny bit of advice, I'd say be very nice to everyone, and if someone is mean to you, just excuse yourself from their company and head for someone you know will be kind.

posted by bilabial 10 May | 09:10

*hugs* Will your father be ok with your seeing him by himself?

posted by brujita 10 May | 09:37

He won't be by himself, ever. His wife and new child will be present at all times - it's unlikely i'll get a moment to myself with him.

It's a really bad day at work again.

I can't do a meetup bunnies because there's a chance that a someone who actively dislikes me might be there - this might be silly, but it wouldn't make a meetup very fun for me. Maybe private meetups.

I will only be in upstate new york for about 2 days, and it's unlikely i'll have time for a meetup with local bunnies there, unfortunately.

posted by By the Grace of God 10 May | 09:50

::hugs for BTGOG::

I'm sorry things suck sometimes. Good on you for going anyway. Best of luck. :)

posted by CitrusFreak12 10 May | 09:58

(((BTGOG)))

I can sympathize with that feeling of alienation. Sometimes I wonder if anybody knows me at all. Where are you in Canada? If you're in the Kingston area we should go for a Guinness!

posted by LunaticFringe 10 May | 10:09

Kisses By the Grace of God on the head.

I've been in your shoes so many times Gracie, and I know exactly how you feel.
I know the frustration of a family meetup, and the anxiety that it can cause, and I also know how worthless you feel when you don't go to such events. So I think it will be a good idea if you do attend, like you have planned, even though your brain is telling you that you should do everything in your power to stay away.
Just don't listen to it. Listen to us, and know that you are a very kind and loved person by a lot of people over here, and may be your family doesn't know you too well. But that can change too; why don't you ease up on yourself and try not to be the perfect person that you think you should be. (Does your family know about your pain? I know it seems like they won't care if they did know, but even the smallest improvement in the right direction might show them that you're not the person they think you are.)

So go ahead, head on down there, and take your SO with you as backup, and have the most wonderful time you can. (60th wedding anniversaries don't come often:))

posted by hadjiboy 10 May | 12:41

(((Grace)))

I wouldn't go if I were you. That's more stress and trauma than anyone needs.

If you're going to be in BC, drop me an email and we'll work out a meetup.

posted by deborah 10 May | 13:05

whereabouts in upstate NY? If you're near Buffalo drop me a line and we can get coffee or something.

posted by kellydamnit 10 May | 14:58

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