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Indeed. I always read the relationship threads and I still find myself surprised by the number of "dump him regardless of his actions" answers. Why does no one wish to work through things anymore?
Thanks for linking to Ynoxas's answer. I'd given up reading as it didn't seem anybody was going to approach it from a realistic perspective. Dealing with this issue is sort of what relationships are all about IMO ... denying that it exists is not really dealing with it.
I see nothing wrong with pointing out her feelings will be hurt, I object to the tones of superiority associated with some of the answers. No one is better than anyone else, some have more experience but that's life and it doesn't make one "better".
There is nothing I could add to that thread that hasn't been said at least 3 times already. I just hope that things work out for the best for everybody.
I wholeheartedly agree that pointing out that people get hurt by this sort of thing is the ultimate way to get a decent human being to change their ways. I just think that a lot of the time, the stock 'kick him to the curb' talk show/community weblog answers ignore the fact that human beings all have weaknesses and frailties and is thus dangerously moralistic.
Nobody's individual answer came off as self-righteous to me. But, on the whole, the consensus seemed to be the asker was a prick for even finding himself in the situation ... at least in the first part of the thread.
dano: I agree with that too. Exploring motivations for infidelity is important if you want to change, but whatever the 'reasons' someone is screwing around they're still screwing around. Just like whether you guzzle malt liquor or sip fine cognac, you're still getting drunk. That's the other set of self-righteousness happening.
But, on the whole, the consensus seemed to be the asker was a prick for even finding himself in the situation ...
Well, there was a tone to the question that was sort of...something. Not exactly prickish, but something... He's already kissed and been in bed with this girl, and he's asking, how do I not cheat? Denying the fact that by the definitions of many people, he already has. I think it's the denial that's pissing people off more than the situation.
I think that if I found out that my boyfriend or husband were on a website asking what everybody thought about him gettin' it on with some other girl, I would not appreciate the responses of the people who said he should dump me because I deserve better.
Denial? How about 'self-serving total disconnect from reality'?
He led girl #2 on for weeks, then, when he finally told her he had a girlfriend, he felt like he was 'doing the right thing.'
And when girl #2 is over at his house, and they're both drunk, and they somehow manage to keep their clothes on, he feels like he's being mature and respectful of his girlfriend, and, therefore, this seems to him like an opportunity for further self-congratulation.
I haven't read the responses yet, but I can see why people might be pissed off.
You know, I told this guy once that I would want to know if Mudd-Dude was cheating on me. He said, in all seriousness, "Why? Isn't it much cleaner if you never find out?" WTF?
I feel like 95% of people have a fundamentally different conception of what a relationship is than I do.
Yes, clearly this guy might be a dick. But you know, like some of the posters said, love and relationships can be messy. I've been there man. And it's no business of mine (or anyone else's) to tell this dude that he doesn't love #1, or #2, or that he's a terrible person, etc.
He's asking for it by posting it, but still some of the answers just seemed to reek of unwarranted indignation.
It's all in the guy's perception. Girl #2 is so hotly attractive because he's not HAD her, as of yet.
I had a neighbor who had 3 gfs. It was fine, by everyone. No cheating, just sort of open times, but 3 women he was sleeping with, for several years. He used to say that he got tired of it and was wondering about other women, etc. Plus, he tended to put his own needs at #4, a lot of the time.
I have been on all sides of this. It sucks, from any angle, and probably the best possible outcome for this guy, if he dove in, would be to have an affair and then get his heart broken by girl #2 (she is single, right?) who will fall in love with someone for real. All the other outcome would be worse.
I also have to say that many "other women" do this for the precise reason that it's a way to have physical intimacy without the baggage of a full time relationship.
tangerine, if you're the same tangerine that left the most recent comment ("look at the title, people"), i think yours was a much-needed voice of reason.
Questions like this are scary to read about for me because while my boyfriend claims that he does not even find other girls attractive, I am unable to believe him and feel a little pissed that he would lie to me. Is it wrong of me to assume that all guys are attracted to other girls?
I am teh hotnes of course, so he has reason to only desire me but still... the thrill of the forbidden calls maybe? And I would definitely Want To Know if cheated on.
I'm not saying your boyfriend is lying, of course. I don't know him. Just that your overall belief about most guys is accurate.
Does he have reason to lie about it? If he thinks you'd be ok with him 'just looking', then he'd have no reason to lie and probably isn't. If he thinks you'd be jealous of attraction without action, then he probably is.
Here's the funny part: I'm ok with just looking, stip clubs, porn, beautiful babe on the street, but now that he's built it up that he is not attracted I would be greatly offended to find out that he really was and is lying.
People are so odd. We work ourselves up into crazy mindsets.
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