MetaChat - Am I doing the right thing?

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17 April 2007

Am I doing the right thing? So I've got this roommate, and she's very nice, albeit laden with inconsiderate annoyances. →[More:] Annoyance like making a bunch of my special fancy coffee and leaving it lying around the house in untouched glasses (as she's failed to notice that she keeps breaking them when pouring in hot liquids ... we do have plenty of mugs, too) and getting drunk to the point of pissing on the couch (about once or twice a month). But she is a very nice person, so I can put up with all this at least until the lease runs out in August. And, I mean, I was a crappy roommate for a few years, so I think spending one year putting up with multiple times the crappyroommateness I had committed will balance the whole thing out.

Anyway, last Wednesday she brought a kitten into the house. I wasn't too pleased, and, needless to say, neither was my cat, Nikki. She explained that she was going to give it to her boyfriend as soon as possible: that very night, in fact. I rolled my eyes, sighed, and told her that the kitten had better be out of the house quickly.

Her boyfriend didn't come over Wednesday night. Nor Thursday. So, by Friday, the kitten was still here. Coming home from my friend Kristen's house, I ran into my roommate and her boyfriend on their way out. "Finally!" I thought.

Then I heard desperate mewing coming from my roommate's room. The kitten didn't have any water, an empty condom sitting in her water dish, and she was almost out of food. So, I fed her and watered her and spent some time with her.

My cat, Nikki, was pissed at me all night.

Anyway, now it's Tuesday. I haven't since seen my roommate, so I've continued to take care of her kitten. I called her on Sunday, leaving a message asking when the kitten was going to be leaving. She called back to say that she "saw that [I] called". So I called her this afternoon, leaving another message:

Look: if you haven't found a place for the kitten by Friday, I'm taking her to an animal shelter. You're not taking care of her, and I don't want another cat, right now.

Does that sound like the right sorta thing to do? I'm don't assert myself with people much, and, thus, I'm not very good at it.

post by: the great big mulp at: 13:23 | 15 comments

The general advice would be to try to phrase things in "I" terms, and talk about what you need rather than issuing commands about what she should do -- "I'm really concerned about having this kitten in the house, because she upsets my cat. I'm also concerned because I've been the one taking care of the kitten, and I don't have the time or energy to do that right now. How can we solve this problem?"

But, truthfully, there comes a time with clueless people when issuing orders might be more effective.

So if you want a dialogue, switch to "I". If you just want the kitten out of the place, then you're likely fine.

What sort of approach has worked with the roommate in the past?

posted by occhiblu 17 April | 13:27

Wow. I'm amazed you have put up with her for this long. Pissing on the couch? Holy shit, if someone pissed on my couch, they'd be out of my house in a flash. Anyway.

To answer your actual question: yes, I think you're doing the right thing. occhi's point about "I" statements is spot on, but my guess is that with this particular person, you're going to have to do what you need to do to get the kitten out of your home. I would, however, make sure I talked with her before I took the kitten to the shelter, and give her a chance to get it out of there. But yeah, the action you're planning on taking and the deadline you've given her are reasonable.

posted by Specklet 17 April | 13:39

getting drunk to the point of pissing on the couch (about once or twice a month)!!!!!!!!!!!!

posted by omiewise 17 April | 13:42

Yeah I still haven't got past the pissing on the couch thing. Wow. Out lady.

posted by arse_hat 17 April | 13:44

Hmmmm ... yeah, that does sound better, occhiblu. In the past, I've said things like "I can't afford to pay another gas bill like this, so we should probably keep the thermostat below 72". That sort of approach hasn't worked. About all that has worked is telling her, "You need to remember to turn the stove off when you leave the house."

People not taking care of their pets just makes me so fucking angry.

Yeah, about once or twice a month. Though, thankfully, it's subsided since she got together with her boyfriend.

posted by the great big mulp 17 April | 13:45

It sounds like this living situation involves a lot of compromise on your part.

posted by Miko 17 April | 13:49

The pissing on the couch thing didn't faze me. But that's because I've heard it often enough in AA meetings.

I'm sorry you're having to share your home with someone who is so completely self-centred. The kitten is best out of it, the shelter sounds like her best option. She's unlikely to get the care she needs with your roommate or her b/f.

posted by essexjan 17 April | 13:50

Hell, keep the kitten and put the damn roommate in the shelter!

posted by PaxDigita 17 April | 13:59

Yikes! I'm still shuddering at that couch thing.

My only problem with both notes is that it seems to me there's a hint of apology in each. I think maybe a very direct and unapologetic approach is called for. E.g., "If the cat's not gone by Friday, I'm taking it to the shelter. Don't ever bring another animal home without asking first." I dunno, maybe that sounds too cold. But she's certainly not respecting you or the household.

posted by treepour 17 April | 15:35

Might I suggest plastic slip covers?

My birth mom once had a roommate who looked around the living room and declared, "I feel like killing someone." And my mother was the only other one there.

posted by Pips 17 April | 16:31

Your roommate is not annoying. She is a psycho. Take that cat to a shelter where it can find a caring family, and kick out that loser!

posted by matildaben 17 April | 17:45

Yeah, I vote psycho too. And be harsh on this one, since it involves a wee life and not just a couch getting drenched.

posted by dabitch 17 April | 17:54

Way to enable, man.

posted by Eideteker 17 April | 21:46

Hey! It worked! The kitten is gone! Supposedly this boyfriend of hers has had kittens before, so he knows how to take care of them. Supposedly. Hopefully I'll get my cat carrier back. She has a tendency to lose things ... that are mine ... like half my forks or all the lids to my travel mugs.

Believe me, I'd love to kick her out, but it would be too complicated, what with the lease and all. And me with the not very much money. I'll just continue to seclude myself in my room and wait for it all to end. In August. Beautiful, apartment-hunting August.

posted by the great big mulp 17 April | 22:14

Look: if you haven't found a place for the kitten by Friday, I'm taking her to an animal shelter. You're not taking care of her, and I don't want another cat, right now.

Does that sound like the right sorta thing to do? I'm don't assert myself with people much, and, thus, I'm not very good at it.

Asserting yourself feels very awkward at first. But it gets much easier with time. Don't worry. You're in the right. You're doing the right thing.

And this woman sounds like a candidate for Roommate From Hell. I was going to ask if she had been raised in a barn but that seemed unfair to farm animals. I didn't read everything you said. I found it hard to focus after you mentioned her making wee-wee on your furniture. You seem to have acclimated to this a little. You say that it doesn't happen that much anymore. But once is too much. That is just swinish. It's appalling. If kindergartens can demand that their students be potty trained, I don't see anything wrong with holding adult roommates to the same standard.

posted by jason's_planet 17 April | 22:50

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