There's this guy and he's wife is always neglecting to wear clean unerwear and it's driving him crazy, so he goes to his doctor and says my wife is outside and that the doctor has to convince her, somehow to start wearing clean drawers. The woman walks in, and the doctor, at a loss, looks in her eye with his scope doohickie and says "You need to wear clean underwear."

"Wow," the woman says, "you can tell that by looking in my eye."

"Yes"

"Do me a favor then. Can you look up my ass and tell me if my hat's on straight?"

How do you make a cat go "woof"?

Soak it in gasoline and light it on fire.

My apologies to the cat lovers.

A fellow goes to his doctor. "Doc, I've got the strangest problem. My farts are silent. When I was young, I could really rip 'em. But now, nothing! In fact, you may not have noticed, but I've let two or three since we've been talking."

"Well," says the doctor "First thing we'll need to do is get you fitted for a hearing aid."

Three alumni from a prestigious engineering university are on their way to their ten year reunion when the car sputters out and coasts to the side of the road.

The driver, a mechanical engineer, suggests it's probably something to do with the engine and he'll check the fuel, oil, and maybe the coolant.

Riding shotgun is an electrical enginer and he pshaws: it's probably the alternator or some wiring; all modern cars have EFI and it's most likely that, he says.

The software engineer riding in the back suggests that they all get out of the car and get back in.

A woman goes to her doctor. "Doc, I've got the strangest problem. Whenever I drink tea, I get a shooting pain in my eye!"

"Hmmm..." the doc says. "Do you take sugar in your tea?"

"Why yes! Doctor, it isn't Diabetes, is it?" asks the woman, terrified.

"No, but I do advise that you remove the spoon from the teacup."

I hear great jokes all the time, but can never remember them.

Here's a cartoon. (NSFW)
≡ Click to see image ≡

A fellow goes to his doctor. "Doc, I've got the strangest problem. ...

Ah, try this.

A fellow goes to the doctor. "Doc, I've got a strange problem. I have the most terrible gas. It's silent, and it's odourless, but I can't stop. I must have farted three times since I came into the room!"

The doctor checks him out, and writes a prescription. The chap leaves.

A couple of days later he's back. "Doc, something's not right at all. I still have the gas, and it's still silent, but now it has the most awful stink. What were those tablets for?"

"The tablets were to fix your sense of smell. Now, let's talk about your hearing problem".

Did you hear about the two television aerials who met late one night on the rooftops, fell in love and got married?

The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was AMAZING!

Do you know why Blonde Jokes are so dumb?

So that men can understand them.

Guy goes to the doctor and describes his symptoms. The doctor spends some time examining him, then takes off the stethoscope and says "I'm very sorry; I'm afraid it's very bad news. Your condition is fatal, and you don't have long to live."

"WHAT?!" the guy says, growing hysterical. "What do you mean, not long? How long do I have?"

Doc says "I'd say...about ten."

"Ten WHAT?" says the guy. "Years? Months? Days?"

The doc says "Nine....."

***

Farmer has a herd of sows that he's trying to improve. He reads an ad for a prize boar available for stud. He calls up the hog farmer with the boar, to get the terms.

"I only do one type of deal," says the stud farmer. "You pay $1000, cash on the barrel. You get three inseminations. If none of them work, that's not my problem. But this boar is something fierce, and he's never failed yet in three tries."

So the farmer goes for it. On Saturday morning, he and his wife get up early and shoo his small herd of sows into the back of the farm truck. They drive out to the stud farm, and stand around as the boar does his business, moving quickly from one sow to the next. It's amazing.

The farmer asks "So it looks good, but if I think they need another insemination, how long do I have to wait?"

"Well," says the boar's owner, "Usually it takes three weeks to be sure, but the way I was taught was that as soon as a sow is pregnant she craves roughage and goes looking for fresh grass. If you see the sows breaking out of their pen and trying to eat the grass on your lawn, they're fine. If they haven't done that in a week, come on back."

The next day, the farmer wakes up and leaps to the window to see if his investment has paid off yet. Nothing; the sows are hanging around in their pen, looking bored as usual. The same thing happens for the next seven days.

They try another insemination. The boar is equally insatiable and the sows receptive. But this time, the farmer's worried about his money. He can't quite bear to look out the window each morning, so he sets his wife to doing it. Day after day, he asks "Honey, what do you see?" And day after day, the hogs seem to be staying put.

Finally on the last day, they shoo the sows into the truck again for one last outing to the stud farm. The boar is still a force of wild nature, exhausting himself with one sow after another. Dejectedly the farmer shakes hands with the boar's owner, saying "Hope this one takes, 'cause I'm cleaned out."

Another few days go by, with no evidence that the sows are with piglet. On the last day of the week, the last possible day to hope for a change, the farmer says to his wife again, "Honey, I can't bear to look. If this didn't take, we lost $1000. Can you check and just see if the sows are eating the grass on the lawn, and if they're not, let me down easy, okay?"

She goes to look and is silent for a minute.

"What? What are they doing?" he says excitedly. "Are they eating the grass?"

"No," she says, "But they're all in the back of the truck, and one of 'em's getting ready to honk the horn."

Two doctors are at a conference and take a liking to each other. They go back to one of their hotel rooms to get it on.

The woman excuses herself, goes to the bathroom, and washes her hands. She returns and they have sex. Afterwards, she excuses herself, goes to the bathroom, and washes her hands.

When she returns, the guy says, "You must be a surgeon." She says, "Yes, how did you know?" He replies, "You keep washing your hands!"

The woman says, "Well, you must be an anesthesiologist." "Why, you're right!" The man says. "How did you know?"

She says, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

OK OS, a Canadian one. . . .

Why don't Newfounlanders mind that Quebec wants to seceed from Canada?









It'll shorten the drive to Toronto.

What's the difference between a brown-noser and a shit-disturber?


Depth perception.

Why did Jesus REALLY die on the cross?












He forgot his "safe" word

I usually don't do jokes, so here are my two favorite comics from Cyanide and Happiness.
≡ Click to see image ≡


≡ Click to see image ≡

What's the Irish definition of "homosexual?"

A guy who prefers girls to beer.

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?


Sheep could hear zippers a mile away.

There was a young girl from Nantucket,
Whose limericks never would rhyme.
They didn't scan,
Nor did they have enough lines.

What's the difference between a dead rattlesnake on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?

The skidmarks in front of the rattlesnake.

What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is a feather.
Kinky is the chicken.

Tasteless Eighties Joke:

What do Yoko Ono and the Ethiopians have in common?

Both are living off dead beatles.

A guy is loading groceries into his minivan when a stunning woman waves at him and says "Hi! You're the father of one of my kids."

Now he flashes back to the only time he has ever had sex with someone other than his wife and says, "My God, you're that hooker from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies watching!?"

She looks into his eyes and replies, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

Journalism nerd joke I just read today:

What to copy editors do when they feel too ill to go to work?

Call inn [sic].

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?


They're making headlines.

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says Satan. "You're on my list. I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed, over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Bush.

The devil opened the third third door, behind which was Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs spread-eagled. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, re-enacting her Oval Office duties. Bush looked in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!!"

René Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender says "Can I make you a drink?" Descartes says "I think not!" and disappears.

a giraffe walks into a bar and says, "the highballs are on me."

How do you make a dog go "meow"?

Freeze it, then run it through a circular saw.


Oh boy, now I'm in trouble.

Q. Why is six afraid of seven?
A. Because seven ate nine.
(Well, your seven-year-old would like it...)

Bob joins the army of his small, poor country. He gets in line to get his rifle, but when he reaches the front they tell him they've run out of rifles. The helpful guy behind the counter says he should just point an imaginary rifle and yell "bangedy bang bang" during drills. He gets in line for a bayonet, but they're out of those too, and the guy behind the counter says he should just make stabbing motions and yell "stabby stab stab!"

His first night on watch, Bob sees the enemy coming. He points his imaginary rifle and yells "bangedy bang bang!" The enemy keeps coming. He makes stabbing motions and yells "stabby stab stab!" No luck. The enemy marches right up, knocks Bob over, and tramples him into the ground. The last thing Bob hears is "tanky tank tank!"