MetaChat - Today I just can't do it.

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09 April 2007

Today I just can't do it. Self-pitying whine follows, skip at will→[More:]I need to fix the roof on my shed. It's just a little shed, 6ftx4ft, with a pent roof, exactly like this in fact. It has what we in the UK call 'felt' on it, I think you call it shingle in the US.

Anyhow, it is torn, I suspect as a result of Bailey clawing at it - she'd recently taken to resting on the shed roof and I think she probably did the big stretch with claws out and tore the felt. That she hasn't been up there since it got torn is proof enough of her guilt.

It's not a massive job to fix it (although I will need to get to it from the garden belonging to the troublesome neighbour) and it's something I should be able to do myself. So I took myself off to Wickes this morning, bought a roll of shed felt and and then had to ask somebody about the nails (which are of course at the other end of Wickes from where the shed felt is - why don't they put the nails you need for sheds with the other shed things instead of all together in a big nail section?)

But now I'm home I feel completely incapable of doing this job. It's not that I'm unable to do it - it's not rocket science and there's instructions on the side of the roll of felt. It's just this feeling of "IT'S SO HARD TO DO ALL THIS STUFF ON MY OWN". I want to be the one to hold the ladder steady, and pass the nails and hammer up to the man, to hug him when the job's done and us both to stand back, arms round each other, admiring the finished shed. Sometimes it is so, so hard to do everything alone.

I just cannot bring myself to start this job today. Instead I'm going to do the housework and then go to the gym and see if I can work off this depression.

I had the same feeling today at Wickes as I had in Ikea a few months ago - everywhere it was couples, people together buying things for their homes - and I felt like a fifth wheel. I am lonely, I don't want to be on my own for the rest of my life, but I honestly don't know if, on the other hand, I could go through the 'process' again - letting someone get close to me, allowing myself to love someone again - Dating? ha! I am kidding myself! Meeting someone is the most unlikely thing to happen. Even making friends is so very difficult for me. But I hate the alternative too, this loneliness and isolation that I choose for myself instead. It is so hard, so hard sometimes.

post by: essexjan at: 05:29 | 20 comments

Pay for my plane ticket and I'm your manservant for a week. ;)

What? Everyone else is doing it!

Jan, you rock, and I'm sure you can do it. As for the making friends thing? Just speak up from time to time. I'm sure you'll find people out there in the real world who appreciate your sense of humor and sweet, gentle, and kind disposition the way we bunnies do. Just don't make too many, we'd miss you.

posted by Eideteker 09 April | 05:33

Whee, and now I am excited to see essexjan in June, if I have to walk to NYC from Boston. I like New York in June, how 'bout yooooou?

I'm a fan of Jan, baby!

posted by Eideteker 09 April | 05:35

...everywhere it was couples, people together buying things for their homes...

Heh, yeah, tell me about it. Bastards

posted by TheDonF 09 April | 05:56

Me lurrrves essexjan:)

posted by hadjiboy 09 April | 06:29

If it’s any consolation, I’m in the middle of a major-minor depression cycle too. I think just getting to the store and BUYING the felt was a huge step, so woohoo for that. And we’re all here to give you as many hugs as you like JAN…

posted by hadjiboy 09 April | 06:33

Wish I had a passport and a few grand in spare change lyin' around, jan. I'd be over there, fix the roof, give you a back rub and a kind word, and then go hit the Imperial War Museum.

posted by PaxDigita 09 April | 06:39

In situations like this, jan, I sometimes pre-make myself some lemonade, so when I'm all done, I can just pour myself a glass as I congratulate myself on a job well done.

posted by muddgirl 09 April | 07:34

If there is any sun today, try to get in it.

Exercise is good. It helps me when the depression hits.

But what you are going thru just proves you are normal, and you have a heart.

Sending bunny hugs.

posted by bunnyfire 09 April | 07:54

Oh, and as for the task? Baby steps. You bought the stuff. Which for me would have been the hardest part.

posted by bunnyfire 09 April | 07:55

*hugs ej*

Pounding the crap outta some nails can be very therapeutic, I've found. That said, bunnyfire is right- just getting the materials means you're making progress.

posted by BoringPostcards 09 April | 08:45

*hugs essexjan* One step at a time........

I'm in the same boat with having to fix up my place myself.

posted by brujita 09 April | 08:53

(((ej)))

I'll send happy thoughts your way! Remember Bill Murray's character in What About Bob: baby steps. You did baby steps to the store and to get the materials. Have a break and then it's baby steps to the shed, baby steps onto the shed, baby steps to fix the shed, baby steps to clean up and then you're done and you'll feel good about a job well done!

posted by LunaticFringe 09 April | 10:14

I second everything everyone has said in this thread. You bought the stuff. That took some motivation, so good on you. And I would like to point out muddgirl's suggestion especially, because I do that in the summer when I have to mow the lawn except with iced tea (or a couple bottles of IBC rootbeer). It's very rewarding to sit down on the deck, exhausted, and admire my freshly cut grass while sipping a glass of iced tea.

posted by CitrusFreak12 09 April | 11:23

What they ^^^ said. Sending happy bunny vibes your way.

posted by deborah 09 April | 12:02

Many hugs to you, awesome lady. I put on iPod and really good podcasts I only allow myself to listen to while doing chores.

posted by By the Grace of God 09 April | 12:23

Oh jan. I'm so impressed that you CAN do all these things on your own. You're so strong and independent. I really admire that about you. You're too smart, capable and kind to be alone. I have no doubt you'll again find someone who appreciates all you have to offer.

posted by jrossi4r 09 April | 14:40

I'm just chiming in to say I'm here, and I completely agree with what everyone else has been saying! You are a really neat person, and I can't wait to meet you in June! (Yes, I'm coming up, I just gotta figure when and where you'll be at what time!)

posted by redvixen 09 April | 19:04

Awww Jan, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. There are good parts about being single though. Like eating what you want when you want, instead of cooking for people who may not appreciate your taste or cooking skills. You can also do what you want, when you want - and that is a huge freedom that you give up (to some extent) in a relationship.

I want to be the one to hold the ladder steady, and pass the nails and hammer up to the man, to hug him when the job's done and us both to stand back, arms round each other, admiring the finished shed.

You realize this is a pretty idealized scenario, right? The grass is greener ... etc. Having said all that, there are of course good (and sometimes great) parts of being in a relationship. But don't forget that they're not always perfect. Remind yourself that your present situation allows you choices you may not have when/if you enter a relationship.

I hope going to the gym helped. Take care.

posted by nelvana 09 April | 20:43

Just think, if you fall off the roof, maybe you'll get a cute Emergency Room doctor.

posted by Eideteker 09 April | 21:17

Jan, you can hold my ladder steady anytime.

posted by dg 10 April | 16:10

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