Mother Swan: I have lost 12 pounds and your father has not even noticed.

Orange Swan: Well, Mother, a man who does not notice or comment when you lose 12 pounds is a man who will not notice or comment when you gain 20.

Mum Swan: [pause] This is true.

At my nephew's baptism:

2-YEAR-OLD NEICE: WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHO THAT?
ME: shhh. settle down!
2-YEAR-OLD NEICE (sees baby brother getting water poured on head): I WANNA WASH HIM! I WANNA WASH HIM!

In the midst of a conversation once when my son was nine, he was trying to hammer home a point, and he comes up with this little gem: "You can trust me, I'm a dermatologist!"

I was present when my (now 25 year old) little cousin was introduced to his kindergarten teacher.

TEACHER: What's your name?

MARK: Screwdriver.

He went for months refusing to be called anything else.

My (then 4 year old) niece Clementine Swan to her Sundays School teacher: I learned a new song this week.

Sunday School teacher: That's nice. Will you sing it for me?

Clementine: [singing] There's a tear in my beer because I'm crying for you dear...

My then seven-year-old nephew: Why don't you have any children?

Me: Because I'm smart.

My nephew: Oh.

Kid me, whining and dragging along in some boring place llike Rickels Home Center or the DMV: "Why are we here?"

Dad: "It's a question that has plagued man for centuries."

Your father is my kind of guy, Miko.

Me: Mother, would you like me to draw portraits of me and [name of my sister] for you?

Mother Swan: No, I'd rather have a picture of something nice from nature.

Mother Swan: [Orange], your hair is light auburn and your eyebrows are almost black. You've been darkening them. Don't do it anymore! It looks terrible!

13-year-old Orange Swan: I didn't do anything to my eyebrows, Mother. They are naturally this colour.

Mother Swan: Oh.

After returning from college, (newly deflowered, unbeknownst to mom)

Mom: Your pimples have cleared up. You're drinking less milk, that must be why.

Me: Must be, mom.

Upon watching a clip of the Elvis comeback special:

Birth mom: That looks just like Elvis.

Me: That is Elvis, mom.

Birth mom: Oh.

My then four-year-old niece, Peaches Swan, in the midst of chattering to me: ... you're a kid, like [names of her adolescent siblings]

Me: No, honey, I'm an adult. I'm older than [name of my sister].

Peaches Swan: No you're a kid.

Me: I am not.

Peaches Swan: You are too.

Me: Am not.

Peaches Swan: Are too.

Me: Am not.

Peaches Swan: Are too.

[At this point I realized I'd plainly lost the argument and conceded it to Peaches.]

Six year old nephew, watching footage of the first Gulf War:

"I wouldn't want to be a soldier. You might get shot by the enemy. I want to be a policeman".

(thinks for a minute)

"Actually no, might get shot by a criminal".

Heh, we really need Hugh Janus in this thread.

Last week in the car listening to the song "Simple Man" by Lynyrd Skynyrd.

4-year-old son: I love this kind of music. I used to listen to it when I was a kid.




Six-year old son and a dad on a day that the kid must wear the color yellow to school.

Kid: Dad, I don't like this shirt. Why do I have to wear it?

Dad: Because we're all a bunch of sheep that's why.

On discussing administration of late father's estate with lawyer (bastard didn't leave me anything, btw)

Sister: I want [blah]
Lawyer: Are you sure?
Sister: Yes, I want [blah]!
Lawyer: And you're adamant?
Sister: Er, no.

Outside, sister asks me "Why did he ask me if I was Adam Ant?"

maybe she's a goody-two-shoes.

At the end of "The Postman Always Rings Twice", as Jack Nicholson sat weeping by the wreck of the car that held Jessica Lange's body, and the credits roll, sister turns to me and says, in a very loud and puzzled voice: "But where's the postman?"

Also, this was at the Screen on the Green in Islington which is full of film buff types, and they all roared with laughter.

essexjan - that made me laugh my butt off.

Me, as a child: Where are we going?
Dad: Hedacanob.
Me: What's that?
Dad: The jumping off place?
Me: Where are we going?
Dad: Hedacanob.
Me: What's that?
Dad:The jumping off place.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

(The first time we had this exchange we wound up at the circus.)

The day after giving birth to my second son, they decided to move me from the nice room I had to another nice room. The nurse prepared to move my newborn in his bassinet, which alarmed my Three Year Old Son. He didn't understand, so he got very upset, and hollered "THEY'RE STEALING MY BABY!!!!! THEY'RE TAKING MY BABY!!!!" as loud as possible. Must have sounded nice to the other new parents.

I was a single parent a year and a half later, and my boys bedroom was just off the living room. I'd gotten them to bed, when Older Son comes out and tells me that he can't sleep because I have the TV on too loud. I told him he was silly, that he'd only just gone to bed and hadn't slept yet. "Well," he tells me, "I need to go to sleep, because I'm a sleeper, not a fighter."

Second Son: "I was a general in my previous life."
Me: "Oh, really? What branch of the military?"
Second Son (age 5, by the way): "Army."
Me: "Infantry? Calvalry? What?"
Second Son: "Infantry."
Me: "Which War?"
Second Son: "World War I."
Me: "Oh? When did you die?"
Second Son: "In 1903."
Me: "Well, you couldn't have been in WWI, then, as it hadn't started yet."
Second Son: "Oh, I don't remember when I died. You forget so much when you're reborn."

Good friend, conceived at Woodstock, complaining about a new acquaintace:

" (blah blah blah) He's a Scorpio."

After he said it the third time, I said,

"Dude, I'm a Scorpio" (which if asked, he would have known)

Him: (beat) "Yeah, but you're not an asshole about it."

My girlfriend Mandy and I were discussing an article on MSN about the "5 Kinds of Shoes Every Man Should Own."

I told her about an awesome pair of wingtips that I'd owned. They'd just gotten broken in, when coming home from a gig, out left them outside on the ledge outside my apartment.

"Some bum got my shoes -- I'd just gotten them broken in!" I complained. "What would someone want with a pair of 14's?"

Without missing a beat, Mandy smiled and replied, "They probably sailed to Canada!"

That's amazing redvixen...how old is he now? I've had some past-life regressions, but I've had to meditate first.
I could see where a toddler could have garbled the dates.

One a these days I'll have a computer on weekends and get involved in lovely threads like this one.

Yesterday I was on the phone with my nephew and he told me he has a Mater, the tow truck from the movie Cars, that runs in reverse.

"You mean it's stuck in reverse all the time?" I asked.

"No, I put five reverse gears in and only one forward gear."

"Must be hard to see."

"No, I made extra large rear-view mirrors. I have a Ramone [the Cars low-rider] that drives sideways and jumps over mountains."

"Jumps over mountains? How does it do that?"

"I don't know, but it's pretty cool."

Later, I asked him if he'd done anything fun over the weekend. He said he drew some cars in pencil and then cut them out, "because I wanted to have more cars to play with, and this way I can have as many cars as I need."

Me: Hey, I know I left these in the rental. I'll take 'em with me. (holds up two CD's)
Her: Oh...
Me: You're not done? I know you were digging London Calling...
Her: Yeah, but I really like Scott Walker 2!
Me: Really?!
Her: Face it, I am the perfect match for you.
Me: ....

Brujita, he's 10 now. To be honest, he really had me going for a bit because he was answering me right away, not taking time to think anything out. And he was so self confident and sure. Who knows? Maybe Shirley MacClaine was on to something.