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09 March 2007

So lately... [More:]
I accidentally found out the guy I've been casually seeing since last spring was just on a "break" from his long-term girlfriend when we met, and she had actually moved in with him in December. It just happens that they have issues and he is not faithful to her. I wish he had told me this a few months ago. I feel like such a fool.

The guy I've posted about here and on AskMe, the one I had such a huge crush on and wanted to date, the one who I thought was so amazing and brilliant and sexy? Him.

This is the first time in the almost two weeks since I found this out that I've been able to talk or write about it without crying. But that doesn't mean that I don't think about it, like, every waking second. (And hey, I'm not actually done writing this yet, so I shouldn't speak too soon.)

He told me he had no idea I had feelings for him, despite the fact that I outright told him. He said that I told him from the start that I didn't want a relationship. I don't remember that, but even if I did, it doesn't mean it held true over after seeing him the better part of a year.

I have no idea how I should feel. I am angry, and hurt, and dismissive, and embarrassed, and brokenhearted. I am usually all of these things at once. And I miss him. I miss the hope I had for us in the longer-term. I miss sex. I still want him, which I'm told is stupid, but I can't help it.

I put up a dating profile as consolation and got lots of responses, but none of them compare in my mind. None of them even come close. And... he replied to it too. He was going by an alias, but I know it was him. I called him on it but said it was nice he picked me out of the masses twice, but he hasn't come clean; he hasn't responded at all.

This post is a mess, but since I was whining here about my heartache I thought I should post about my heartbreak too. It probably seems stupid but I am having a hard time even imagining life a month from now. I am just taking it day by day.
I am just taking it day by day.


That's all anybody can do. It sucks and it's shitty and I wish I had something more helpful to tell you, but all you can do is ride it out.

If it helps any, I found myself in a somewhat similar situation about 14 years ago. (Jebus, was it that long?) I felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under me. Now I'm in a happy, stable relationship and have been so for the last six years. So it gets better, eventually. Hang in there until it does.
posted by bmarkey 09 March | 01:10
I put up a dating profile as consolation and got lots of responses, but none of them compare in my mind.

You mean that the others, don't compare to someone who is still being unfaithful to his girlfriend and has strung you along leaving you angry, hurt, dismissive, embarrassed, and brokenhearted? That's a good thing, no? I'm really sorry that you're hurting right now, but this guy seems not to be someone that anyone could ever confidently be in a relationship with.
posted by TheDonF 09 March | 02:27
The guy is a dick and you deserve better.

You're entitled to be angry and hurt, but don't let it make you bitter. Like any muscle that gets torn apart, your heart will heal and be bigger and stronger if you take some time to look after yourself now.
posted by essexjan 09 March | 04:12
Don't blame yourself. You were not the fool. He was dishonest and it's a small consolation to say that it's better to know sooner than later...but it IS. You want an honest person, there's no future with anyone who is such a liar. 'Oh, I didn't know you felt that way about me' — Pshaw, Bah, Humbug./ Dems hollow words meant for himself only.
It hurts like hell to get your heart crushed, may you start healing.

posted by alicesshoe 09 March | 08:27
He is the one that should feel foolish considering it is him acting the fool. Thank God you found out about him now.

Oh, and you don't miss HIM, you miss who you THOUGHT he was.
posted by bunnyfire 09 March | 08:28
It's horrible, and it's going to be bad for a while, and he's still going to take up space in your head and you're going to miss him terribly and then you'll feel like an idiot, which only makes it worse and all in all it's a gruesome, awful, self destructive cycle and, hon, I, for one, know it extremely well. You aren't alone. Give yourself permission to miss the good things about him because, clearly, there were some, he's not a pure-D 100% asshole or you wouldn't have loved him, and stay strong and true to the fact that along with those good things were some incredibly horrible things and you're not going to go back there. Let yourself get angry - you have a right to your anger - and grieve - and you have a right to your sorrow - and try not to jump on the rebound wagon too fast. Don't be hard on yourself; write a lot of letters and don't send them and know that eventually, as some Buddhist once put it, the withering winds will cease and the dark clouds will blow away.
posted by mygothlaundry 09 March | 09:57
The guy is a dick and you deserve better.

Oh, and you don't miss HIM, you miss who you THOUGHT he was.

Both of those statements are perfect.

I hope you stop hurting soon, (((loiseau))).
posted by deborah 09 March | 12:16
I'm so sorry. It's rotten, he sounds so dishonest, and of course you deserve better.
posted by theora55 09 March | 13:48
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