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01 March 2007

Desk jockey again. Yo, this office is nice! I'm doing accounting again, and lovin' it. I look out the window down onto Times Square and a big billboard of Will Farrell in an ice-skating getup.[More:]

Everything here is automated, from the coffee machines (those Flavia things with the individual packs of coffee) to the office supply closet (which looks like an automat; you swipe your card and open these windows to get at your supplies, and it counts how much you've taken and resupplies daily) to the elevators.

The elevators deserve a paragraph of their own. Instead of pushing a button in the lobby (or on your floor) and then getting into a car and choosing your floor, they have keypads where you choose your floor and it directs you to the elevator you should take. There are no floor buttons inside the cars, so you have to get on the one it directs you to. So people are triaged before they queue up, several people going to the same floor get put together, and the elevators are never overcrowded. And empty cars don't go up and down all day. Brilliant.

And I have gainful employment that keeps me busy almost all day. This post is part of the "almost."
Whoa, high tech office! Everything but the flying car, Mr. Jetson! The elevators sound awesome but a potential Disaster Movie if they malfunction. They'd better have at least a Panic Button inside.
posted by wendell 01 March | 09:54
Wait, you're an accountant...in The Future?!?!? And we're not slaves to talking apes and/or zombies? Well, that's a relief. *goes outside, buys magazines on transforming your bunker into a tasteful guest cottage for fun and profit*

I'm glad this turned out well for you, Hugh, and that you're happy at your work. Well done, good sir.
posted by elizard 01 March | 10:03
Perfectly designed so anyone not in the know is guaranteed to stand around poking the wrong buttons helplessly until security comes to take them away.
Nice to have you around, Hugh.
When do they let m out of the penalty box?
posted by ethylene 01 March | 10:04
woo! Some day you'll have to sneak a photo of that supply closet... I can't quite imagine that one.
posted by taz 01 March | 10:09
We have a biobar from Sigma-Aldrich that sounds remarkable similar to that supply closet. You type your username, scan your finger and then pick what you need from a list of items. Then the appropriate door opens, you take your item and away you go! The resupply is automatic as well!
posted by LunaticFringe 01 March | 10:35
Oooh I like those elevators! I've stayed in hotels with those ones.

You neglected to discuss the bathrooms, though.
posted by gaspode 01 March | 10:36
But how are you supposed to swipe office supplies, then?
posted by elizard 01 March | 10:40
Well, all the toilets flush automatically and the water that pours when you press the "warm" button by the sink is, indeed, warm. Unfortunately they supply wasteful paper towels for hand-drying, doubtless some initiative was coshed by a higher-up who doesn't like to wait for a blower or one of those nifty UV hand dryers. They do have those nice fluorescent lights with the special wavelength that makes you look a little healthier than you really are.

The cafeteria is quite good, and no more expensive than anywhere outside the office (except for maybe the corner halal stand or a slice, but it's Times Square; going street level is a hassle). Predictably, you have a food service cash card you fill up at machines by the elevator banks, and then at the register you slip your card into a reader so the teller never handles money. I'm sure this cuts down on health problems due to people eating lunch right after handling grubby money. It also means that, whenever you stop going to the cafeteria, your card will have a balance on it, and Restaurant Associates will reap a small windfall. Bastards.

I think I'm going to go hit the Flavia and make my third chai latte of the morning. Tally ho!
posted by Hugh Janus 01 March | 10:48
you swipe your card and open these windows to get at your supplies, and it counts how much you've taken and resupplies daily

Jeez, who are you working for, The Central Scrutinizer?
posted by jonmc 01 March | 10:51
Goodness. The last time I managed to get any supplies was when my school threw a bunch of overflow stuff into the hallway during Regents week and let us teachers have at it like pack wolves. Otherwise, there's a request form the school aides just generally ignore.

(By the by, that general glow of happiness you feel, HJ, is no doubt from the high oxygen air the office pumps in.)
posted by Pips 01 March | 11:03
Gosh . .if I had to BUY office supplies for personal use, I am not sure how or where I would accomplish that.

That, and duct tape.
posted by danf 01 March | 11:05
As a matter of fact, jonmc, I am. Enterprise support services for the Northeast sector of one of the world's biggest accounting and consulting firms. It's office management, sort of: I make sure sattelite office managers' actual outlays are in line with their budgets (not just supplies, but rent, computers, flowers on Assistant's Day, non-client related travel, &c.). If things are out of line, they have to explain themselves. Since our firm is hired by outside companies to audit and account for their business, you could say I watch the watchers.

So you can see, elizard, why they have such an insanely secure system for office supplies in place. The systems we use are, in a sense, a product we sell.

And yeah, LunaticFringe, that's how it works. Swipe card, key number, open door, take.
posted by Hugh Janus 01 March | 11:05
(By the by, that general glow of happiness you feel, HJ, is no doubt from the high oxygen air the office pumps in.)

That almost made me exhale tea out my nose. Thanks a lot, Pips. ;)
posted by BoringPostcards 01 March | 11:14
Hey danf, when I was working over the winter on TV production, I got all the gaffer's tape I could swipe. Works better than duct tape, and it's something like $25 a roll.

And, Pips, here I thought my happy glow was from high octane chai. I can hardly smell the extra O2 with all the CH4 I'm giving off.
posted by Hugh Janus 01 March | 11:31
Do you have an assistant named Dwight?
posted by chewatadistance 01 March | 12:16
Chai?? Do you pee standing up or sitting down?? (I pee sitting down myself, mainly for the rest, but that's beside the point). I'm tucking into the Artery Clogge Hero (no shit, that's what it's called on the menu, spelling and all)I ordered last night: three eggs, bacon, ham, sausage, and American cheese on a buttered hero roll. I threw on a few hot peppers for flavor, and I'm washing it down with raspberry malt liquor. Yumm, rugged lunch.

I got all the gaffer's tape I could swipe.

That means you're gonna want to start gaffing. and that leads nowhere good.
posted by jonmc 01 March | 12:26
I would never pay for a chai, but I have a three-cup coffee limit, and the spicy aroma is so enticing. Why, it relaxes and charges me at the same time. I feel like I'm drifting along on a placid lake behind the wheel of a 1200 horsepower Cigarette boat.

I had a cheese steak last night, and suffered no ill effects. Seriously. NO ILL EFFECTS! I'm weaning myself back onto dairy, little by little. Someday soon I'm gonna try pizza.
posted by Hugh Janus 01 March | 12:32
we'll work you up to this in no time bro:

≡ Click to see image ≡
posted by jonmc 01 March | 12:48
I make sure sattelite office managers' actual outlays are in line with their budgets (not just supplies, but rent, computers, flowers on Assistant's Day, non-client related travel, &c.). If things are out of line, they have to explain themselves.

I'm surprised they need actual people to do that. You'd think the managers would be able to do this simply by swiping a card.
posted by essexjan 01 March | 12:53
You're absolutely correct, essexjan; they don't need actual people to do my job. Please don't tell my boss.
posted by Hugh Janus 01 March | 12:57
I'm trying to imagine you in that office environment and my brain may have just blown a gasket. This definitely requires pictures and maybe a clandestine visit from the bunny crew on vaguely "legit" business.
posted by TrishaLynn 01 March | 14:12
You've never seen me in a suit and tie, have you, TrishaLynn? I look like a fucking cop. Seriously. Kids cross to the other side of my street when I walk home from the 7 train.

Also, the lobby security here is pretty heavy. Maybe you could all hide inside an empty fuel truck, like Cagney in White Heat.
posted by Hugh Janus 01 March | 14:35
Always pegged you for a narc.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson 01 March | 14:37
I told you you could have cooked cheese, HJ. If it's good for my Aunt Rita, it's good for you, dammit.

(My Aunt Rita looks and sounds just like Judge Judy, by the way. And she pinches, too.)
posted by Pips 01 March | 15:11
I love a man in a suit and tie! But I thought we'd all wear leotards and tunics in the future. That's what TV said.
posted by jrossi4r 01 March | 15:23
Good morning, everyone. || rabbit, rabbit!

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