Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.

I walk into a bar. you gonna buy me a drink or what?

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. They sit down and drink a couple of pints. They get up to leave, and the giraffe collapses.

The bartender says "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!"

and the man says "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe".

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. Thinking he might be onto a winner, the barman decides to see how much he can charge the horse. "Er, that'll be £12.50" he says.

A few minutes later, intrigued, the barman walks over to the horse and says "we don't get many talking horses in here". "I'm not surprised at your prices", replies the horse.

A gorilla walks into a bar, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve gorillas in here." Gorilla says, "If you don't serve me a drink, I'm going to leap over there and eat the woman at the end of the bar." Bartender shrugs, so the gorilla leaps over, eats the woman at the end of the bar.

"Now," says the gorilla, "are you going to serve me a drink?" "I'm sorry," says the bartender, "we don't serve drug addicts in here." "Drug addicts?! I'm not a drug addict!" says the gorilla.

"Oh, yeah?" says the bartender, "what about that bar bitch you ate?"

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

A priest, a homosexual and a pedophile walk into a bar. He ordered a beer.

A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender grunts, "We don't serve ropes in this establishment!" The rope, saddened but still thirsty, goes out to the alley, writhes around in the dirt, musses up its ends, and generally makes a mess of itself. It walks back into the bar and orders another drink. The bartender asks, "Hey, aren't you that rope that I kicked out earlier?" The rope replies, "No, I'm afraid not."

(Say it out loud).

A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve string in here." So the string sadly leaves. Out on the sidewalk, he decides to try again. So he wiggles and bends and contorts himself, then he rubs himself all up on the concrete and broken pavement. Then he goes back into the bar.
"Say," says the bartender suspiciously, "Aren't you that piece of string that was just in here?"
"'Fraid not."

Synchronicity!!!

They're going to figure out eventually that we're the same person, muddgirl. ;-)

Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender says, I guess you won't be needing a drink. Naked lady says...

Oh, *shit*!

*laughs at dersins*

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper, surprised says, "You have a drink named Bob?"

A man walks into a bar looking disappointed and carrying a black bag over one shoulder. He sits down at the bar. The bartender walks up. "What`s in the bag?", asks the bartender. The man puts the bag on the bar, reaches in and pulls out a baby grand piano, a small bench and a 12 inch tall man wearing a top hat and a tux with tails. The 12 inch tall man sits down at the piano and begins playing Beethoven. "That`s amazing!" says the bartender, his eyes wide with disbelief. "Where did he come from?". The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. "Rub the lamp" he says, pushing the lamp toward the bartender. The bartender grabs the lamp and begins rubbing it vigorously with his bar rag. Out pops an old, wrinkled genie. "I grant you one wish" he says to the bartender. "I want a million bucks!" says the bartender. "Done" says the genie. The genie disappears back into the lamp. Moments pass. Suddenly a duck appears on the bar with a poof. Then another....and another. They appear on the bar stools...on the tables...on the Budweiser sign on the wall. POOF...POOF...POOF. Thousands...tens of thousands of ducks begin to fill the bar! "Christ!" shouts the bartender. "I didn't`t say ducks!" he yells, "I said bucks!". The man at the bar looks at the bartender, "You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says,"I'll serve you-but don't start anything."

A guy walks into a bar orders a beer and from his right side hears "that jacket looks awesome on you! Great fabric and a nice fit!" He looks over and sees no one,just an empty stool and a bowl of nuts. He shrugs it off and heads to the jukebox. He puts in a quarter punches F8 and it says "You fat useless bastard! You worthless piece of crap!!" After all that abuse he orders another beer and again from his right side he hears "Man those are nice shoes,stylish and shined to perfection; very nice!" He looks and again and no one is there. He waves the bartender over and asks "what's going on here, I hear nice voices from my right and the jukebox totally insulted me!"
The bartender replies "that's because the jukebox is out of order and the peanuts are complementary"

2 Betazoids walk into a bar. One says "I'll have the same."

Guy walks into a rooftop bar at a highrise hotel. He sits down beside a really buff guy who looks like he's been drinking a while.

"You know the alley between this building and the next?" asks the buff guy.

"Yeah. What about it?" asks the first guy.

"The draft between these buildings is so strong that if you jumped out the window,you would float right back up." says the buff guy.

"No way."

"Seriously.Come here and I'll prove it."

So the 2 guys walk over to the edge of the roof facing the alley.

The buff guy jumps off and falls about 4 floors before floating back up.

Amazed, the first guy says "I wanna try that."

He jumps off the edge of the roof, plummets thirty stories to the ground, breaks every bone in his body, and dies.

Bartender says to the buff guy, "You are such an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

dersins, that's my favorite bar joke!

A proton walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, no atoms in here." The proton says, "I'm not an atom." The bartender says "Are you sure?" The proton says, "I'm positive."

"...positive."

A variation on that one:

A hydrogen atom walks into a bar looking a little glum, sits down, and orders a triple Jameson's, neat.

The bartender serves him the whiskey. He drains it, orders another.

"Hey, buddy," says the bartender. "You OK? What's the matter?"

"It's my electron. That bitch. She left me."

"Oh, man. I'm sorry. Are you sure?"

"I'm positive."

A cowboy walks into a bar. Strange thing is, he's dressed entirely in brown wrapping paper. His hat, his boots, pants, everything, brown wrapping paper. Even his horse's saddle was the same--everything he owned seemed to be made of paper.

Needless to say, he was arrested for rustlin'.

A duck walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "Hey, bartender, you got any duck food in here?" The bartender tells him, "Nope, no duck food."

Next day, the same duck walks into the same bar with the same question: "Got any duck food?" Of course, he gets the same answer: "Nope."

This goes on for a week. Every day, the same exchange--"Got any duck food?" "Nope."

Finally, the bartender loses patience with the duck. The next time the duck walks in, the bartender says, "You again?!? If you ask for duck food, I'm gonna nail your little webbed feet to the floor!" The duck then asks, "Got any hammers?" The bartender answers "No, I don't have any hammers." Duck says, "Got any duck food?"

A pony walks into a bar. He sits down an says, "I'll have a pint of lager, please."

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you - you'll have to speak up."

So the pony says, "I'll have a pint of lager, please."

Once more, the bartender says, "I'm sorry. I still can't hear you. You're going to have to speak up some more."

The pony says, "I'm sorry, I'm a little hoarse."

A bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a pint of...



























bitter, please"
The barman says "why the big pause?"

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says to him, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Codpiece stumbles into a bar. Asks for a pair of pints.
Bartender says, "You're already belted."
Unruly drunk that he is, Codpiece angrily replies, "I get hassled enough from the nuts at work. Now pour me those drinks!"

Jockstrap walks into a bar. Notices the codpiece insulting the bartender.
Jockstrap turns around, mutters, "This palce always was a bit uppity for me", and leaves.

A skeleton walks into a bar.
Skeleton says, "Hey bartender, get me a beer and a mop."

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman all walk into a bar, the barman says: "What the hell is this? Some kind of a joke?"

A blind man and his guide dog enter a Bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler.
Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy thinks a moment and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Guy walks into a bar.

~Ouch

It's an Iron Bar.

Guy walks into a bar. It's an old style mining bar. Serves the dusted old miners who work in the mines. Guy's really thirsty. He asks for a beer, but explains that he doesn't have the money for it.

"Tell you what." says the barkeep. "I'll do you a deal."

Bartender points at an old spitoon. Says to the guy that he can have a free pint if he can drink from the spitoon. Guy's put off by this, but he's really thirsty so he agrees to the challenge.

Bartender puts a cold frosted one on the bar. Asks guy to go for it.

Guy picks up the spitoon. Touches his lips to it, and pulls away with a look of revulsion. A green glob of some miners spit clings briefly to his lips and then pulls back into the spitoon.

Guy looks a little sick. Barkeep points to the cold, cold pint.

Guy picks up the spitoon and starts drinking. He takes a couple of huge glugs whilst the regulars and the barkeep look on in disbelief.

Guy carries on knocking contents of the spitoon back. Everyone can see the contents as they disappear down his throat. It's a miners town, so trapped in the clear fluidic mess of it there's green in there and flecks of red and little lumps of black.

Barkeep shudders, pushes the pint of beer towards the guy. Says - You win, you can have the pint.

Guy carries on drinking contents of the spitoon. Everyone can hear the disquiting sound of other peoples mucous being forced down anothers throat. A cigarette butt briefly appears at the spitoons edge, disappears down the guys gullet.

Barkeep says, "No really - You've won. You don't need to prove anything anymore, can you please stop. Please."

Guy carries on drinking. His hands are shaking and his eyes are bulging. He's carrying on drinking and all people can hear is the awful muted glug, glug, glug of it.

Barkeep screams. "JUST STOP IT OK. YOU'VE WON. YOU CAN HAVE THE PINT."

Guy keeps on drinking. The spittoon is nearly empty and he's down to the last rancid drops. His eyes are still bulging and he's shaking more. It's still green and red and black, but there's more cigarette butts , a couple of peanuts, some loose change and the remnants of an ear from a barfight that happened two years ago. He keeps on drinking.

Barkeep shuts his eyes, keeps screaming "PLEEEEAAAASSSSSEEEEE STOOOOPPPP."

Guy finishes the spitoon, Slams the empty vessel on the bar. Tears are streaming from his eyes. He pushes a shaking hand towards the promised pint.

Barkeep asks, "That was disgusting man - Why didn't you just stop when I asked you to stop."

Guy answers. "I would have done, but you see, it was all in one long lump."



Awaits castigation.

Someone is going to cut off your balls?

A guy wanders into a bar in Alaska and notices a sign above the bar: "$100 prize, enquire with bartender". He can sure use the money so he saunters up to the bar and asks about the sign. The bartender tells him, "The challenge has 3 parts:

1) Knock out the biggest guy in the bar

2) Wrestle a grizzly bear with your bare hands

3) Have sex with an Inuit woman"

The man orders himself a drink and knocks it back. Thinking things over he downs another shot, walks up to the biggest dude in the bar and knocks him flat. He returns to his place at the bar and seems to be thinking some more. He drinks another couple of shots trying to get his courage up. Finally, he decides to continue the challenge. The guy is gone for HOURS. He shows up again limping with scratches all over his back and generally bruised and battered. He staggers up to the bar and says: "Okay, where's this Inuit woman I have to wrestle?"

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, orders a Guinness. The guy next to him looks up a bit and nods.

"Good choice," he says, "I'm a Guinness drinker too."

"Well, I ought to drink Guiness, shouldn't I," says the other. "I'm Irish."

"No kidding!" says the first guy. "I'm Irish too! What county is your family from?"

"County Galway. Yours?"

"Galway as well! How do you like that. What town?"

"Dunmore."

"Dunmore! Me too! A fellow Dunmore man, what luck. Which road?"

"St. Peter's Road. You?"

"NO! I grew up on St. Peter's road! What school did you go to?"

"St. Michael's."

"I can't believe it! I went to St. Michael's as well!"

From down at the end of the bar, another patron watched, astonished. Gesturing at the two men, he quietly to the bartender, "Amazing, huh?"

The bartender rolled his eyes and said - "Nah - the O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Oh my god, I love muddgirl and mgl.

"Go home, dad, you're drunk."

Um, seanyboy? I don't get yours. I lose at puns. *sadness* "One long lump"?

Bartender says, "Last call. You want another?"

Descartes says, "I think not."

And disappears.