MetaChat - THIS IS ANOTHER SHOUTING THREAD

MetaChat is an informal place for MeFites to touch base and post, discuss and chatter about topics that may not belong on MetaFilter. Questions? Check the FAQ. Please note: This is important.

13 February 2007

THIS IS ANOTHER SHOUTING THREAD WHY WOULD YOUR OLDEST AND SUPPOSEDLY DEAREST FRIEND KICK YOU WHEN YOU'RE DOWN?→[More:]FOLKS FROM LAST NIGHT'S SHOUTING THREAD MAY REMEMBER THAT I LEFT MY HUSBAND LESS THAN A WEEK AGO, AND I HAVE A VERY PAINFUL MYSTERY CYST THAT IS GOING TO REQUIRE MAJOR SURGERY. SO DEAREST FRIEND SEEMS SOMEWHAT WITHDRAWN AND UNSYMPATHETIC. SO, LIKE AN IDIOT, I EMAIL HER TO ASK WHAT IS WRONG.

BAD IDEA. APPARENTLY WHAT IS WRONG IS THAT SHE DOESN'T KNOW ME OR LIKE ME ANYMORE, LAW SCHOOL MADE ME TOO MEAN TO BE FRIENDS WITH, AND MY MARRIAGE PROBLEMS ARE JUST TOO DEPRESSING COMPARED TO HER NEWLYWED BLISS. DID I MENTION THAT I'M A BAD PERSON WHO DOESN'T WORK HARD ENOUGH TO SOLVE HER OWN PROBLEMS AND AM ADDICTED TO MY VICTIM MENTALITY?

YOU KNOW, IF I HAPPENED TO FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT A FRIEND IN MY SITUATION, A FRIEND SLEEPING ON COUCHES AND JUST BARELY HOLDING ON, I THINK I'D JUST TELL HER I LOVED HER AND WE'D TALK ABOUT IT AT A BETTER TIME.

SURE, I ASKED FOR HONESTY. THAT'S BECAUSE I WASN'T EXPECTING A FULL-SCALE INDICTMENT OF MY LIFE AND CHARACTER.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE THESE DAYS? DOESN'T ANYONE HAVE ANY EMPATHY ANYMORE?

post by: Twiggy at: 19:18 | 27 comments

"SURE, I ASKED FOR HONESTY. THAT'S BECAUSE I WASN'T EXPECTING A FULL-SCALE INDICTMENT OF MY LIFE AND CHARACTER."

Ouch. I'll just bite my tongue.

posted by mischief 13 February | 19:22

(((( hugs Twiggy ))) sorry, sweetie!

posted by small_ruminant 13 February | 19:30

What do you mean, mischief? That when I ask for honesty, I should always expect it to be couched in the most brutal soul-destroying terms imaginable? That I shouldn't ask for honesty, ever? I'm curious.

posted by Twiggy 13 February | 19:32

:-( SORRY LOVER!

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 13 February | 19:32

Thanks all. At least people online who have never met me and don't know me at all care about my feelings.

posted by Twiggy 13 February | 19:34

Sorry you're having such a rough time, Twiggy.

posted by jrossi4r 13 February | 19:36

Man, with friends like that...

I'm so sorry, Twiggy. I hope you've got some other people out there who can just offer support and not a gut-wrenching lecture.

Hold on. You can make it. It gets a little tiny bit better every day, I promise.

posted by Specklet 13 February | 19:38

The thing that pisses me off, is that i was afraid to leave my husband because I have no family at all, and am all alone in the world without him and his family. She gave me that "Your friends are your family" speech. So I believed her and left him at a time when I need something a lot like family to see me through this medical crisis. Now, it's more like this: "You have adopted some very patronizing speech patterns (apparently, it stems from calling people sweetie). I cannot comfort, support, or otherwise be a good friend to you right now because that patronising tone in your voice makes me wonder why I even bother." Thanks...because your family abandons you on the eve of a major medical disaster because they think you're a tad patronizing.

posted by Twiggy 13 February | 19:46

i wrote this in another thread but:

You can't expect most people to get a grip on a bigger picture most of the time, so just prying open some space here or there with commiseration, levity or options is about all anyone can really do for anyone in any case.

Sometimes you have to make it clear what you want or else you get levity or options when you just need to vent. And when you need commiseration, nothing suck more than not commiseration.

posted by ethylene 13 February | 19:54

You know when you get so angry that you just want to shake someone? This is one of those times.

*shakes twiggy's friend*

posted by youngergirl44 13 February | 19:56

oh, by the way:
WHAT A CLUELESS SELF ABSORBED BITCH.

posted by ethylene 13 February | 20:02

A hell of a time to find out who your friends really are. She obviously wasn't. Rather nasty, frankly. ugh.
Just holler NEXT, Twiggy.
May your surgery go smoothly and recovery quickly.

posted by alicesshoe 13 February | 20:06

That I shouldn't ask for honesty, ever? I'm curious.
That you shouldn't ask for honesty when you really want reassurance.

I hope your surgery goes well and that this is all just a speed-bump on your road to long-term happiness. It sounds like you are having a really shitty time of it at the moment and I hope the knowlege that pretty much all of us have been through equally rough times in the past helps you to realise that this will pass, although I know it doesn't feel much like that at the moment.

As far as friends go, this is the time when you find out who your real friends are and that can sometimes be hard.

posted by dg 13 February | 20:20

I THINK I'D JUST TELL HER I LOVED HER AND WE'D TALK ABOUT IT AT A BETTER TIME.

Fuckin' A. Yeah, you asked for honesty, and she gave it, but, you know, maybe she could've used some judgement?

My divorce did, indeed, show me who my real friends were. Some friends offered to drive hours to see me, some did just that, and some...I never heard from again. Sorry, Twiggy. I was there, 8 years ago. Life is good now, though. Yours will get better.

posted by mrmoonpie 13 February | 20:28

True friends will stand by you, no matter what. I hope you're feeling better now. You'll get through it, promise you that. And thought it's hard right now, leaving your husband may have been the best thing for you. I made the same decision nine years ago, with two small kids in tow, so I've been there, too. Like mrmoonpie said, life will and does get better. In the meantime, big (((((hugs)))) from all of us to you.

posted by redvixen 13 February | 20:40

Divorce freaks out married folks sometimes. They don't like to even think about the idea and if you are going through one you're like a walking symbol that marriages can fall apart. I remember getting hit with that when I was going through my divorce. Life does get better after it sucks for a while.

posted by octothorpe 13 February | 20:50

Maybe you misinterpreted your friend's response because you're under so much stress? Anyway,I hope all works out well.

posted by hojoki 13 February | 21:09

octothorpe speaks truth.

{{{{Twiggy}}}} so sorry, i hate that people have to go thru this kind of shit. lord knows i've been near suicidally enraged myself over similar stuff. not to pile on the 'it does get better' pile but, yknow, it does.

posted by lonefrontranger 13 February | 21:58

It's very, very disappointing when your social network begins to change. You think you have a read on the landscape, and it turns out to be totally different. The awareness that people aren't there for you when you hoped they'd be, in the way you'd hoped, is harsh. Especially when, as dg says, you just want reassurance, or a vote of confidence.

This says more about them than it does about you. You were strong enough to leave something bad; you'll be strong enough to survive this lack of perspective on the part of a friend. She's got her own thing to deal with; otherwise, supporting you wouldn't be so hard. It'll work out just fine. In the meantime, I'm sorry these days are hard for you. It won't feel this way forever, though.

posted by Miko 13 February | 22:55

How disappointing and hurtful for you... I'm so sorry. It's really true that when the going gets tough, you sure do find out who your real friends are -- every time I've gone through something major (illness, divorce, surgery, etc.), I've had at least one person who I believed was a good friend show his or her true colors and disappear or, even worse, go all hostile/passive-aggressive. Just remember that there are people on your side, and who support you in the hard decisions you've had the courage and strength to make.

posted by scody 13 February | 23:05

(((Twiggy)))

posted by deborah 14 February | 00:27

*hugggggs!*

posted by By the Grace of God 14 February | 04:34

aw, man. Let me at her - I'll "sweetie" her so hard her teeth will vibrate.

I actually use that term all the time, as most of you probably know - along with honey, bunny, sweets, love, angel, angelpie, etc. It means I like you. I think the kindest thing to do now is go ahead and call her "shithead" instead, as that is apparently what she's aiming for here.

posted by taz 14 February | 04:48

Twiggy, how hurtful.

Good wishes for the success of your surgery, for your recovery and good health.

posted by LoriFLA 14 February | 08:52

I doubt anyone is still reading this thread, but I just wanted to thank you all for helping me feel a whole lot better, and confirming that she was being a jerk. I was raised by wolverines, so I have little idea what to expect out of friends/husbands/whatever. You guys are awesome, and I would have sent you all anonymous valentines had I not been wiped from a visit to my shrink with my estranged husband. Thanks again, wonderful bunnies!

posted by Twiggy 16 February | 06:32

I have just come to the thread from the 'recent comments' section (don't know why I missed it before), and all I have to say is that you do not need a so-called friend like that. You deserve better.

posted by essexjan 16 February | 07:34

Thanks, Jan. The funny thing is, a wonderful gift certificate I asked a friend to specially do for her just
came, and I sent it to her anyway. Cause that girl NEEDS some SERIOUS aromatherapy!

posted by Twiggy 16 February | 07:41

← 14" Mini Bike Used in Lord of the Rings, $1200 || Dog Hugs Baby →

HOME || REGISTER || LOGIN