I'm gonna be harsh about this. And slightly un-reconstructed. Sorry. Also, these messages are purely based on the person on the dating site. Not you. You're fantastic.

Warning signs for me are as follows.

I'll be willing to at least try some of your interests. This reads like "I wouldn't be at all interested in doing the things you like. Hey, if it sounds fun, I'll give it a go but know that it's all about me, me, me"

will pose naked for me while I sketch you. reads like "Hmmm, in my obvious male way, I think she's asking me to send her pictures of my cock. Woo Hoo!"

I also very much want to meet someone, to enjoy getting to know him. This whole section seems a bit too Bunny Boilerish for my liking. You're basically telling the men that they're not allowed to meet you and make their mind up after a couple of dates, that once they're in, that's it. Wedding Bells and Babies.

with the ideas and the witticisms flying back and forth and the physical attraction crackling like static in the air between us. This bit turns me off because it's such a cliched and frightening view of a perfect startup relationship. Nothing's gonna shut me up faster than being told that I'll have to get on instantly like a house on fire.

You: Let's get those witticisms flying.
Me: OK brain - think of something funny. You can do it. Oh, no please don't let me down. Not now. You can do this, you can do this, Arggghhhhh!

Other than that, it's fine. In fact, it's a shame you aren't living in the UK two months ago, because I know a guy who (although a bit old - admittedly) would be perfect for you.

Again - Sorry.
*feels bad, hopes I did the right thing*

Great! Now cut it in half.

Move the description of the man you seek to the beginning. Stroke his ego. Axe the list of adjectives; "show it, don't tell it". Eliminate that "So what are we going to do?" reaction with some specifics, like actual names of area restaurants or local fun attractions. Pick a "man-movie" that you could tolerate sitting through (of course, this means constantly updating your bio, but hey, you gotta work at this stuff. Also, I'm not crazy about going to movies as dates because of that "just sitting there and can't talk" thing, but that's just me).

Keep your description of yourself short, about 2/3 of your description of him. Include more specifics. Make yourself familiar to him. "Mocha cappucino deluxe at Starbucks" or "Sarabol, the Korean place in the Toronto Mall food court". Mention your blog by name: "I'm orangeswan at blogspot." Then use your blog for your hard sell. Insert questions in your self-descriptions that force him to interact. "What kind of food do you like?"

Get rid of anything with even a whiff of negativity: "Genocide...", or reverse it into something positive: "If you read this far, I am probably interested in you." Also, eliminate passive voice and minimize your use of participles. (As a writer you should know that already. heheh)

Always end with an action: "I will reply, so introduce yourself today."

Yea, you're going to want to remove that part about "posing naked", unless you really want to start getting a mad amount of cock pictures.

I agree with those who say the ad is way too long. Here's my cut on what I think your ad should say:

Hey, thanks for stopping by! Now, what can I tell you about the woman you see on the left side of this page...

About me:

I'm an editor at a publishing house. I have lots of interests: reading, writing, drawing, painting, stained glass, making clothes, entertaining, thrift shopping, working on the house I just bought. I'm writing a novel and I have my own book review blog. I'm not at all athletic or into competitive sports but I enjoy being active. I walk an hour a day, and love hiking and swimming.

What I'm looking for:

I want someone I can feel at home with. If you are kind, positive, intelligent, educated, talkative, outgoing, can make me laugh (with you, not at you), and are between 29 and 36, that's an excellent start.

Although I do have a good and busy life, I also very much want to meet someone, to enjoy getting to know him, to get and give companionship, affection, and to explore the world with him.

For more details and another picture of me, please check out my profile in the Dating section.

After reading seanyboy's comment, this flashed into my head.

NUDE MALE MODELS WANTED

Have you got what it takes? Rippling arm muscles, a brawny chest, chiseled abs?

Yum!

The posing naked thing has been in my profile for years, and I've only gotten one set of nude photos;-)

But have you gotten any dates worth keeping? There's something a little "Red Flag!" about it.

I agree that there's something kinda red-flag about it.

Every word's important, I'm told, so I wonder what you're hoping to accomplish with the nude model bits?

Just wonderin', swanny, have you tried meetup.com or meetin.org? I have been having really good luck with those.

I agree with what Seanyboy said. It's too long and too intense. Shorter and lighter.

I do commend you on your bravery. You didn't mentioned that. Honesty and boldness too.
My take on dating profiles is that they should read like a cover letter, short and sweet, but not giving everything away. I'd suggest dropping the mean-age requirements. Age is a state of mind, why eliminate anyone.
Even though everyone wants a relationship where 'witticisms fly back and forth and the physical attraction crackles like static in the air between us', it doesn't mean it has legs. It could be a temporary affliction borne by a hunger.

The editor in you needs to edit their own story. As an experiment, have a number of your friends write a profile of you. It's love and war and it seems you want a better result.

I read this article today, Trying For a 'Smile', the author switches up his gender to determine if more men or women use online dating services. He hadn't much succe'ss. It also mattered if he posted in 'Relationships', Dating' or 'Intimacy' sections.

Essexjan seems to have summed up the consensus well with her "too long and too intense", so modified it with that in mind. Here's how it now reads:

Hey, thanks for stopping by! Now, what can I tell you about the woman you see on the left side of this page...

What I'm looking for:

I want to feel both at home with you and stimulated by you. If you are kind, positive, intelligent, educated, talkative, outgoing, can make me laugh (with you, not at you), and are between 29 and 36, that's an excellent start.

I do have a good and busy life, but I also very much want to meet someone, to enjoy getting to know him, and to explore the world with him.

About me:

I'm an editor at a publishing house. I have lots of interests: reading, writing, drawing, painting, stained glass, making clothes, entertaining, thrift shopping, working on the house I just bought. I'm writing a novel and I have my own book review blog. I'm not at all athletic or into competitive sports but I enjoy being active. I walk an hour a day, and love hiking and swimming, travelling with a good friend or lover, and doing new things.

For more details and another picture of me, please check out my profile in the Dating section.

Thanks for reading all the way to the bottom. I wish you the best...

I can't help feeling I've stripped out all the parts that made it original and fun to read, but I'll leave it up for a few weeks and see what kind of reaction I get.

Here's my dating section profile, which I have also edited to be "shorter and less intense":

Hey, thanks for stopping by. I'm assuming that since you're here, you want to know what I'm like, and whether I match up with that checklist you have in your head. So I'll throw some information at you, and you can let me know how I do....

- I'd like to meet you if you're talkative, kind, interested in and engaged with the world around you, have a bit of edge, and can stimulate me and make me laugh. I'd offer the same.

- I have a lot of interests, among them hiking, swimming, making clothes, painting, drawing, stained glass, surfing the net, writing and reading.

- I'm not athletic or into competitive sports, but I am active. I walk an hour each evening and love hiking and cycling.

- I like high heels, dogs, the AGO, my tomato bacon quiche, and hockey. Though they are best enjoyed one at a time;-)

For another picture and a different sort of profile, check out my profile in the Relationship category. For even more details, contact me.

Looks good, Orange Swan!

I agree with most of the other comments: it's too long, and too high-pressure/intense (it reads to me like a command, basically: "be funny and hot!").

A few thoughts:

Draw a clear picture of yourself through specific details (e.g., instead "books," you mention a few favorite authors or titles; instead "thrift shopping" you mention the coolest piece of furniture or clothing you ever found, etc.).

Lose this kind of thing: "I want to have both a physical and metaphysical rapport with you, with the ideas and the witticisms flying back and forth and the physical attraction crackling like static in the air between us. I want to feel both at home with you and stimulated by you." I mean, honestly, being confronted with a demand for "physical and metaphysical rapport" is going to make most people blanch and go straight to the next ad.

Instead of stating the relationhip you want in such lofty terms, think about describing the actual qualities you are looking for in a partner: loyalty, compassion, creativity, sensuality, whimsy, etc. -- and illustrate those with details, too ("you're the type of guy who almost missed a train because you stopped to buy girl scout cookies from your neighbor's neice").

ON PREVIEW: your new version is so much better! Believe it or not, but that one really is more engaging.

This is reminding me of something I have only recently learned to be careful about in real life - I have to let people get to know me a little before I can unleash my sense of humour on them. Because coming from a stranger it's too out of left field and freaks them out.

Coming in a little late on this discussion, but I *DON'T* think it's too long. Not at all.

Of course, I'm a sucker for lengthy self-description (my on-line dating profile thingy is even longer, and definitely weirder...), so perhaps my opinion should be taken with a grain of salt, but still--

The fact is that it demonstrates you are smart enough to form coherently-written sentences, unafraid to make slightly risque jokes, and confident in yourself.

If I read something like that I would definitely click whatever is it I had to click to learn more.

For whatever that's worth, which may not be much.

Also:

I have to let people get to know me a little before I can unleash my sense of humour on them.

No! I strongly, STRONGLY disagree. ! You want to find someone who is attracted to you BECAUSE of your sense of humor, not despite it. And you can't do that by hiding it. There's no point in selling yourself as something you're not.

There are two schools of thought on this, dersins. Your theory, which I have always been inclined towards myself, is that one should go ahead and write a specific, detailed profile, and thereby winnow out the people you don't want, getting fewer but higher quality reponses.

The other theory is that you should be briefer and less... challenging, saving the risqué and the zingers for later when the person has more of a context for them and is less likely to take them the wrong way.

I have tried the first theory for years and it has gotten me nowhere. I haven't had a date since last August. And I know how much more readily I connect with people in real life if I don't lay it on too thick at first.

So I'm going to try being more generic for awhile. I'm not going to pretend to be something I'm not, I will not lie, but I will just... lay out less of myself to begin with.

And dersins, I like your profile. And your pictures. And everything at that link except for the fact that you live in Portland. Damn.

And your pictures.

Funnily enough, all of them were taken at mefi / mecha meetups. That seems to be the only time I'm ever around cameras!

Another late entry - yes I agree that the shorter version is sweeter, just like you. : )

As I don't use dating sites, I may not know - is it a convention to use "you" ? "checklist you have in your head" "you can let me know how I do" "at home with you and stimulated by you" - do other folks use something else like "a date"? Or can the first two esp. be cut out?

The YOU stuff might make people feel put on the spot, and is also a smidge self deprecating.

omg! Dersins and the Swan! Let it be remembered that they found each other at metachat on this 10th day of February, in the year of our Lordi, 2007. Never forget. :)

(Also, I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist that their first child be named either "Orange Sins" or "Bunny".)

So... Please to indulge my curiosity? I've never tried an internet dating site (since my relationship predates anything like that), but often sort of wondered what kind of ad I would run if I did... so I just decided to make up the kind of thing I would probably try, as a novice and complete dating-site virgin, just on a whim, and I think it would go something like this:

You are happy, sweet, gentle, kind, and maybe sometimes a little bit lost in your own thoughts and ideas. You are a reader, know your way around a computer, and can probably expand my musical universe. You love cooking together, sipping wine, exploring the city for hidden treasures and secret spots... and sometimes just lazing around the house, snuggling up and watching DVDs. You cherish your own personal time and space, but would love to find someone you could adore, trust, and respect, talk to about things big and small... and spend a lot of time laughing with.

In many ways, you are a prince among men - honest, brave, modest, yet sure of the things that matter to you. You find time to help your friends, or even maybe just a random person on the street who needs a hand. You have things to say, but know how to listen. You don't like relationship drama, don't think constant (or even frequent) arguments are normal, and if you found the right person, you'd like to make it exclusive. You are probably between 35 and 55, and all your friends think you're "smart". :)

If this is "you", email me with your description of "me", and let's see if there's a chance we might match up like the last two lost pieces of the jigsaw scattered on opposite ends under the couch.

I'm very curious what those of you with experience would think of this, and how successful or wrongheaded you suspect it might be.

Also... just previewing now, and I see rainbaby's question about the "you" - which I obviously worked for all it was worth, for better or worse. Ha!

Funnily enough, all of them were taken at mefi / mecha meetups. That seems to be the only time I'm ever around cameras!

So many MeFites use meetup pictures as dating profile pictures. I suppose the sheer volume of pictures taken + being out and having a great time with fun, interesting people = good pictures.

"good FREE pictures";-)

dersins, the point is not to banish one's sense of humor or identity, but rather that you can't unleash EVERYTHING in a little box on an online dating site. Trust me, I was on Salon Personals for a more than a year before I found scody-boy, and it's not necessarily more attractive or beneficial to have a hundred details/statements/expectations/jokes/etc. in a profile when three or four will do.

Finding a soulmate or creating the ideal relationship, in and of themselves, will not be guaranteed by an online personal ad. An online ad cannot be a substitute for multiple conversations. You can't leapfrog from a photo and a description into a lifetime together. The best you can do in this context is to cast your net reasonably wide in order to maximize your chances of meeting someone with whom you'll click on a first date.


So I'm going to try being more generic for awhile.

Orange swan, no one's saying you have to be more generic -- no need to reduce yourself to "I like to laugh and enjoy sunsets." Specific, individual detail is fine -- it's essential, in fact (that's why "I like high heels, dogs, the AGO, my tomato bacon quiche, and hockey" is GREAT -- it says plenty without being self-absorbed or overwhelming -- and that is attractive!).

What I thinkk a lot of us are saying is that you don't have to lay out every possible detail of youself that you can think of, nor describe your desired relationship in highly idealized (and thus intimidating) terms that no one can guarantee that they'll live up to. There isn't a way someone can be sure that you'll have a metaphysical connection, so you could be scaring off someone who... you might very well have the potential to have that metaphysical connection with! Again, that's why something like "I'd like to meet you if you're talkative, kind, interested in and engaged with the world around you, have a bit of edge, and can stimulate me and make me laugh" is actually far more appealing -- because it's human-sized, not larger than life. And you actually want to date a human guy, right? ;-)

Again, the quest is not to go from Point A (online profile) to Point Z (metaphysical connection), but to Point B (clicking on a first date), and seeing what might come next. I think your new ad will be much more helpful in that. Good luck! (And keep us posted.)

Good free pictures indeed.

Speaking of which, thank you to matildaben, mudpuppie and (I think) loquacious, who took the various pictures on my profile thingy. I hope you guys don't mind. If you do, let me know....

Oh, and taz, I like yours, but it doesn't feel like it says enough about you.

Often, guys get turned off by what they perceive as too much of a laundry list of what a woman is looking for, as opposed to something about the woman herself.

I dunno, does that make sense?

I met my lovely wife through such an ad, so I speak with some confidence. My first ad was standard-issue "I like this, that, and the other; I hope you blah blah blah; how about dinner?" The responses it got were boring, and I realized the ad itself was boring. So I got drunk and slightly pissed off and wrote an ad with the headline BEARDED POET SEEKS TWO-HEADED WOMAN (if I remember correctly), trying to get rid of all the "OMG I hate guys who write poetry/have beards" types as quickly as possible; unfortunately, I no longer have a copy of the ad itself, but I know I posted a quote and said whoever could ID it would win a prize (it was Ezra Pound, which more than one respondent figured out, including my lovely wife) and had some stream-of-consciousness stuff that I figured would either wow 'em or repel 'em. This time the responses were much more interesting; I dated several of the women and had some great times. The lesson I draw from this is not necessarily "be yourself," because we all have a practically infinite number of selves, and the first ad was myself as well -- it was just a particularly boring, button-down version of me. The lesson is "be whatever version of yourself will attract the most useful response"; once you've hooked 'em, you can introduce the rest of you over the course of time. Keep changing your ad until the responses are what you want to be seeing, and it might not hurt to have a swig of Old Granddad first.

taz: I would feel nervous at being told "you know your way around a computer" and "you are a prince among men"; to the first I'd think "well, barely, but probably not enough to pass muster" and to the second "uh-oh, high expectations, I probably can't live up to them." In general, I'd be very careful about what I said about "you" (the potential date); limit it to what is really important to you, because everything you add (even if you think of it as just a quirky, funny thing to say, not meant terribly seriously) will send some portion of the readership packing. I, for example, thought long and hard about the smoking question; I don't smoke, and on the whole preferred that my partner wouldn't either -- I'd never lived with anyone who did -- but I decided it wasn't make-or-break, and a good thing too, because my lovely wife is a smoker -- just a few cigarettes a day, and she does it in her office, but if I had said "no smokers" she wouldn't have responded and I'd never have met her, which would have been an unimaginable loss. So don't think "who's my ideal," think "what do I really have to rule out?" The perfect person for you might have some quality you'd have been very dubious about if it hadn't been packaged with all that perfection. (I know you aren't actually looking for a date, but I'm analyzing your effort to inspire those who are.)

And what dersins said is wise:

Often, guys get turned off by what they perceive as too much of a laundry list of what a woman is looking for, as opposed to something about the woman herself.

yeah... That's what I was curious about... whether someone might look at an ad and think "I'm a lot like that description, maybe I'll answer" or whether they would think "meh... nothing about her - why bother?"

But I guess that approach seemed at first good to to me because I'm pretty sure I would be more likely to answer an ad that seemed like the person was looking for someone very much like I am (especially if it weren't all physical description stuff), but would maybe be more shy/reluctant about answering someone who mostly talks about how they are... because they could be looking for someone like me, or possibly my exact opposite.

And, of course, it seems to me that I am saying a lot about me by saying what the hypothetical "you" is like. So, yeah - it's kind of backwards ... and also maybe a cheat, so that I wouldn't have to walk that line of trying not to boast, and also trying not to be overmodest (and 'undersell' omg) and all that hard stuff you have to do in a personals ad.

But I really wish you could find that ad, LH. It's now an historical artifact!

because I'm pretty sure I would be more likely to answer an ad that seemed like the person was looking for someone very much like I am

Working with a very small sample size here, but I wonder if that's maybe a difference between men and women:

You, as a woman, would be more likely to answer an ad that appeared to be looking for someone like you, whereas I, as a guy, would me more likely to answer an ad that appeared to be like someone I was looking for.

I'm not sure I've articulated that adequately, or, really if it's applicable across a broad spectrum of people, but it would appear to address some common complaints about personal ads:

Guys often complain about women's "laundry lists" of what they're looking for.

Women often complain about guys' boastfulness and self-centeredness.

Well, Languagehat may not be able to find his, but I finally found mine! Here are some things I wrote (and, in the grand tradition of long-term Mefites, one of my pictures was taken at a Metafilter meetup):

About me: I've been described as an outgoing introvert. I have the fashion sense of a librarian with a large new wave record collection. I can build a bookshelf and bake a pie at the same time; I also know the proper care and feeding of the wily semicolon. I like reality TV and avant-garde theatre -- in the same night, if possible. I can name the starting quarterback and both of his back-ups for the 1978 Denver Broncos. I eat steak, drink Manhattans, and don't count calories.

Recent pursuits include catching up on my Kurasawa, trying to teach myself German, poring over maps dreaming about road trips to small towns with great dive bars, and collecting out-of-print books about murder-suicide conspiracies amongst 19th-century Viennese aristocracy.

What I'm looking for: A smart guy with interesting tastes and the ability to make me laugh till milk comes out my nose. (Bonus points for skinny guys in glasses who collect vintage ties.) Someone to complement my life, not complete it. A good conversationalist who is not intimidated by silence. An adventurer who knows how to enjoy just where he is. Someone comfortable with his scars, but disinclined to re-open old wounds. A boy wonder who is all grown-up. "I love the man that can smile in trouble, gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection."

I met some great guys with that ad. Irony of ironies, though, I met my boyfriend by responding to his ad, which said:

I like old noir films, Tom Waits, playing the ukulele, conspiracy theories, swing dancing (I know it's passé but so what), Mexican midget wrestling, museums, divey bars, and anything old and weird.

I love passionate conversation about ridiculous things, and I believe the glass is half full even though it's questionable what's in it.

If you're looking for someone very adult and sophisticated it's not me. I'm happiest at the kids table, or playing lawn darts in the cemetery. The only thing I take seriously is making you laugh your ass off. Life's too short.

I shower regularly, I don't tuck my shirt in, and I've never killed anyone.

All I ask is three things:
1.You have a sense of humor in all forms (dry, sarcastic, self depreciating, etc.)
2.You possess a basic command of the English language
3.You don't own or wear anything that says "Von Dutch"
Everything else is negotiable.

Five minutes into the first date, we were getting on like a house on fire. And now we're going on two years.

I believe the glass is half full even though it's questionable what's in it.

That's a great line. If I were a robot, my head would have just exploded.

Seanyboy: yeah, that was one of the things that immediately made me think that it would be great to meet him (well, that and the "playing lawn darts in the cemetery" line, plus the fact that one of his photos was of him imitating Bob from the Church of the Subgenius).

Great ads, scody; in fact, those two ads make a lovely couple! :)

Dersins, perhaps that is a problem - men and women writing the sort of ads that they themselves would respond to, when they (generally) might respond to different sorts of ads. I'm not the sort of person who has a laundry list, to be honest, but I figured if someone sort of saw themselves in that description, they would feel more comfortable responding... but that's only because that's how I would feel.

I always figured that this was the ad I'd run, should I happen by some chance to become single:

Did your last girlfriend leave you for a "bad boy"? SWF, 31, looking for Mr. Nice Guy who's a tiger in the sack.

taz, I had to post to say that if you were single, and I was single, I think I'd be looking for cheap airfare!

Something about a lot of what you wrote resonated, but of course, I have had mecha to also get a sense of who you are. I guess if I hadn't I might wonder who this chick was!

Also, I might add: ;-)

orange swan, don't take this the wrong way, but I am continually stunned that you have this much difficulty finding a suitable guy to date. Have you considered ditching the online thing and simply finding a hangout somewhere like a bar or coffeshop and simply striking up a conversation with some charming dude? Sometimes a little encotagement is all it takes.

So many MeFites use meetup pictures as dating profile pictures.

There's a business opportunity here, somewhere.

P.S. I accept Paypal, American Express, and booze.

to put what I'm getting at more concisely, there's a great old girl group song with the lyric 'he sure ain't the boy I been dreaming of/but he's sure the boy I love.'

A custom fit is nice, but we live in an off-the-rack world.

I accept Paypal, American Express, and booze.

I believe I owe you an entire distillery for the mileage I got out of that picture of me in the Mekons shirt.

I've tried dropping into bars for one drink to see if I can meet anyone, Jon. It never worked, no one came near me, and it was just too depressing, so I stopped doing it.

well, maybe you're going to the wrong bars. what about a coffeeshop or internet cafe or record store or something. Just hanging out can be easier than the whole online crapshoot.

Just hanging out can be easier than the whole online crapshoot.

Having done both, and met good people both ways, I'm not entirely convinced that's true. In many ways, the online thing is actually LESS of a crapshoot than meeting people in bars and coffee shops.

With the on-line thing, you tend to actually know something about the person by the time you have a real conversation. Depending on how the particular dating site is set up, you may already know whether you're totally incompatible in such arenas as movies, books, food, drinking, smoking, religion, whatever.

Whereas in a bar all you really know is "Hey, he /she is cute."

And although "hey, he / she is cute" is really all that's necessary for a drunken Saturday night (or Tuesday night, or whatever) hookup, it doesn't get you any closer to meeting someone you actually want to spend a little bit of time with.

That said, taking a book to a slightly dive-y bar where the kind of people you might want to meet hang out, and sitting there reading and having a couple of drinks early on a weeknight, can be a highly effective way to meet a certain kind of person.

Unfortunately, sometimes that person is a slurring, stumblingly drunk twenty-two-year-old just out of undergraduate who wants you to (ugh) write poetry with her right there in the bar, thus forcing you to flee your favorite bar early in the evening and not go back for TWO WHOLE DAYS.

Or, uh, so I hear.

Find out where the attorneys hang out for happy hour near the largest courthouse in your area. Or happy hour in the financial district. Or high tech research parks. Go to them, and troll their watering holes.

That said, taking a book to a slightly dive-y bar where the kind of people you might want to meet hang out, and sitting there reading and having a couple of drinks early on a weeknight, can be a highly effective way to meet a certain kind of person.

What's the second step?

What's the second step?

2. Notice them.

3. Make sure they notice you noticing them.

4. When they come over to talk to you, talk to them.

4a. hope they're not coming over to you to try and get you to write poetry with them.

5. Profit!

hope they're not coming over to you to try and get you to write poetry with them.

dersins, I want to meet you sometime just so I can hear this entire story in full (excruciating, but no doubt hilarious) detail!

Hey dersins, I haven't seen your profile, but if you're using a pic I took of you, thanks, and it's no problem at all! P.S. You're cute, but vastly too young for me.

scody:

Excruciating is DEFINITELY the word for it. Hilarious, perhaps, but that depends on your ability to laugh at 22 year-old who, when told that the book you're reading is a collection of Raymond Carver stories, respond by saying "Raymond Carver is so undergrad!" and then practically falling out of the booth because they're incapable of holding their liquor. So, yes-- hilarious.

matildaben:

It's the pool-playing picture. Not the one with the cool motion blur, but the one where I'm standing behind the 8 ball, as it were.
And you can't possibly be much older than I am. I'm in my late 30's for fuck's sake. On the other hand, perhaps you meant I'm too immature. Which is a perfectly reasonable statement with which I am not prepared to argue.

"Raymond Carver is so undergrad!" and then practically falling out of the booth because they're incapable of holding their liquor.

Awesome.

Dersins, you are just cleaning up in this thread, aren't you.

Sorry. I didn't mean to go all jonmc on your thread.

No no no no, that's not at all what's happening here;-)

Bet you get lots of MetaChat Valentines.

What's the point of writing a personal ad- once a person joins Mecha, they can only date people on the site. ;-)

"taz, I had to post to say that if you were single, and I was single, I think I'd be looking for cheap airfare!"

richat, after her would-be ad, if I was single and you were single and taz was single we would have to fight for her. Northern Ontario style. Not sure what that would be. Maybe frozen bear poop at 20 paces?

A poop shoot?
It doesn't make any sense that Orange Swan doesn't have her pick of menfolk. Are they sparse in your area?
Some people need to pick through the least offensive of their acquaintences and set her up, just for material and free food and booze.
Then she can run into the guy playing piano in the corner as he shoots love beams into the back of her date's head because he is in the way.

Ah hell eth you wonder in an make want for you, Swan and taz...

What TiPS doesn't get is that you're all taken or taken for granted or somehow unsavory in the savoring or savorability.

Okay! Now that I have my back-up boyfriends settled, I do feel calmer! Yay!

You guys? Are we living a "Friends" episode? Maybe a "Seinfeld"?

Once we move to the island, nobody will have these dating problems...

or will they? Stay tuned for next week's episode.

A little late to this thread, but here are my thoughts:

I can't help feeling I've stripped out all the parts that made it original and fun to read

I totally agree with that. Although your saying that you get nowhere with these kinds of descriptions make me wonder at what types of guys are reading these sites. No offence to anyone intended. I love all you guys and think the world of you.

This is reminding me of something I have only recently learned to be careful about in real life - I have to let people get to know me a little before I can unleash my sense of humour on them. Because coming from a stranger it's too out of left field and freaks them out.

I think you might’ve nailed it on that one. I’m so used to you guys being the uniquely creative bunch that you are, I sort of expect the kind of aggressive creativity from you.:)

So, to sum it up, I think you should maybe try the site that LanguageHat tried, or maybe a couple of others to sort of spread yourself so that you can get more hits.

Often, guys get turned off by what they perceive as too much of a laundry list of what a woman is looking for, as opposed to something about the woman herself

Maybe if I was the guy in question, I would too, but since I’m nice and comfy here, I’m sort of inclined the other way. So maybe I should just shut up now.

Well... it's all so subjective. If I were talking about myself, hm... I wouldn't say I was attractive, because some people will think so while others will not. I could say I'm intelligent, but again - so subjective; compared to what? Am I funny? My husband thinks so - sometimes, in the hard times, maybe all the laughing is what has held us together more than anything else... But what some people find funny, others don't even recognize as humor.

I could say I'm honest and kind, because I really do believe that this is true by most standards ... but let's be realistic, how many guys go to online dating sites searching for the "kind" and "honest" tags? I could give my physical statistics, but I wouldn't, because, like, dude, if you are looking for a specific bra size or height or weight, you're just not my type.

So, scody's and languagehat's (and scody's sweetheart's) approaches are great because they create a vivid thumbnail portrait of the person by vignetting certain representative aspects of themselves without dwelling on anything that may seem too limiting, demanding, or unrealistic. (I'm assuming, in LH's case, since we haven't seen the whole ad, but the lead is a holy zinger :))

I think the idea of getting your friends to write up short "flash descriptions" for you is a good one, just as a way of trying to distance yourself from yourself a bit, and getting a view of what people find compelling and charming in you. (collective "you" here.)

You know, I've been planning for months to do a special article for my book review site for Valentine's Day - a review of the Lavalife personal ads. I warn you all I am going to mine the hell out of this thread while writing it;-)

I am way late on this thread but I have to chime in. Swan, I agree with Jon in his amazement that you are still (somewhat unwillingly) more bereft of companionship than you prefer. You are one of my (and probably a lot of other's here) favorite posters and I never fail to read your posts and comments and enjoy them.

The one thing that pops into my mind when I read this ad, and it may be seeping over from my experience of you in this forum, and from reading your (excellent) blog that I would feel somewhat intimidated about answering this ad. Very formidable, but you also seem seem to have a good idea about who you are and what you want. I would also feel that there could be control issues.

Just a couple of thoughts. . .I don't know how to address those in this ad. Maybe allow for an occasional 'Leafs game. . .with appropriate reciprocation, of course.

(and, if Taz already has her back up roster filled, can I at least be on the practice squad?)

Well, really, isn't this suppose to work out by having one of us write it for her, like in the "cheesy can't believe it but it's true" plot? or after i'm rested i could get your stats and do the inverse match making thing.

Musta really missed out on this Valentine's thing or at least i don't know how sorely i was dissed