Hats are color blind.

I love completely random things that are blurted out in normal conversation that turn out to be strangely hilarious.

One time in college, my friends Jim and Abe and I were bowling. Jim is the funniest person I have ever known and kept us all in stitches, but getting him to laugh was always a challenge because he was always quicker. I don't remember the exact conversation but it was completely mundane. Abe said something about floss and Jim said "Dental floss?" With no hesitation or break in the conversation, I blurted out, "No, rectal floss." Not very funny, really. But something about it hit the funny nerve in Jim, and he laughed uncontrollably, tears streaming down his face, for the next five or six minutes. For days afterwards, he'd randomly say "Rectal floss!" and it would start all over again. To this day, I know that I can get him rolling with that simple phrase.

It's one of my proudest moments.

That is a good moment. Last night, One of the kids asked why we don't have a lid on the bowl with the beta fish in it, but we do on the 30 gallon tank. Jen immediately said that the beta wasn't a good jumper, and I came up with "He's not a flight risk". I giggled for about 2 minutes. I couldn't stop.

Of course, the girls probably thought I was a moron.

Oh man, I am famous for saying things that I think are just RAUCOUS, while others around me pat me on my head and say, "Yes, Mike, you're very funny."

Recently we were eating lunch at a seafood restaurant, and my gf had three hush puppies that were stuck together. I looked at her and said, "It's a hush litter!" I laughed and laughed. Silence and awkward looks from the rest of the table.

One time we came home, and both cats came sprinting out of the den and kind of walked around and looked at each other suspiciously. My gf said, "What do you think they were doing?" I said, "Probably looking at kiddie porn." I paused a moment, realized the pun I had made (unintentionally), and just lost it. Again with the blank stare. Sigh.

Thirdly.

Also, richat, I would have made that same joke and thought it was every bit as funny. I got your back, yo.

I love those frogs, mike! How do you keep their tank clean? My frog (named Frog) was always sort of mucky. I couldn't find a filter powerful enough to handle her mess...

That picture was taken at the Baltimore Aquarium, yg.

Your coworker flunked art school. Hate is a hue!

At the poker game this weekend, we were talking about our host Terry, who's got a killer reputation for being a shark and a damn find player. In discussing his playing style, someone said, "A wolf in sheep's clothing is still a wolf." That brought the entire table down.

About a year ago my daughter and I were going to a mall and across the street is a two-story sporting goods store. My daughter said, "Man, people up here are lucky! They've got the biggest Dick's in the world." After a really long silence we both started giggling and couldn't stop.

Heh.

So I says to Maybel, I says...

At lunch just now, someone mentioned McDonald's delivering in NYC and the topic of putting things in the mickeedees suggestion box came up. My story of the time I suggested that a Ronald McDonald porno would make for great guerrilla marketing, well, it shut the table right up. I really should be more careful about what I say to my boss.

dano it might have creeped out your colleagues but it's a damn funny and brilliant idea anyways. go dano!

I find certain random (probably very un-funny) things unbelievably hilarious, like, so much so that I can't even explain what I'm laughing about to people who want to know what's so funny... then when they finally get what I'm on about (in between the snorts, the breathlessness and the giggles), they just look at me like there's a hand growing out of my forehead and wander off.

Ask me to tell you (in person) the story of how a bus ran over my pint of Ben and Jerry's one night. Go on, I dare you.

My 11-year-old stepson just got his first e-mail account and I received my first e-mail from him yesterday. I wanted to reply back to him with a joke, so I went trolling the old "funniest joke in the world" threads in the Blue (great reading by the way) to find a joke for him. I finally sent him this one:

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?

A: Unique up on it.

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?

A: The tame way.

He thought it was absolutely hilarious and told me so three times yesterday. In fact, it was the last thing he mentioned before going to bed. Oh, to be 11 again.

I was a at urinal Monday and a guy walks up and starts using the one next to mine. I don't know this guy. He looks over and says, "I got a small one!" I'm afraid to look. But it's like a train wreck; I can't *not* look. I turn to look at his head (mind you, I'm NOT looking down), and finally realize that he's referring to the fact that the urinal he's using is mounted lower (for handicapped people). At that moment he realized how I took it and that I realized he was talking about something entirely different, but neither one of us said anything else. A very awkward moment.

Unfornately, it was about a minute later after the moment passed that I realized that I should have answered with something like, "Well, as long as you're proud of it, I guess it's okay."

I was catching up with an old friend at a bar. It was the kind of bar where they have dollar specials and old guys sit around playing Keno*. To demonstrate the pathetic sorry-ass-ness of his college education, my friend whipped out his student ID, ran it under the Keno receipt machine. He said, "See! 'SORRY NOT A WINNER'!"

*In the state I live in, Keno is a stupid lottery game.

Nuts. I can't think of a thing. I envy all of you! I'm the queen of the "I shoulda said that!"