"I can't find these files I deleted."

Expect a phone call from me. I have two dell laptops none of which is behaving nicely. Better yet, give me your phone number now.

oh god, can I order "take-out" vallium?

I always drink some wine before cracking into a box. One night I was trying to install a burner but when I put everything back together, nothing would work.

I called Dell, and this poor guy in India got it right. . I had knocked the main cable out of the motherboard, without being aware of it.

I could hardly understand him, and I have to admit I was not very nice but he was right. . .I found the disconnected cable and then everything worked.

If I knew I would get him, I would have called back and apologized, but I did not even try.

I can only speak from the experience of working in ISP tech support in the mid-90s, but regardless of the differences, each call will be its own unique living hell for you to cherish and drink heavily to forget.

Better still, drink heavily before starting each shift, so you never have to remember them in the first place.

"I broke off the cup holder."
"Cup holder?"
"Yeah, the one that says DVD-RW on it."

"Where is the 'any' key?"

through to

"This unit is fried. I just want an RMA number. Only you can give me one, but I know you have to make me jump through a dozen hoops first. Let's get started."

Have you read One Night @ the Call Center ?

Great, and here I thought it was going to be different than my GE nightmare.

Jesus Christ, dude. What kind of calls won't you get?

I hope you have a well developed humor gland, a resistance to being screamed at and a sense of wonder, because you'll probably get it all, including the freaks who think little people or aliens or gremlins or some shit live inside their computer for the sole purpose of fucking shit up and oh yes they want to tell you all about it in detail for hours and hours about their fascinating little computer-fucking-up soapopera lives.

I jest? I so fucking wish. I've been doing helpdesk/support for almost 10 years now. I so fucking wish I was joking. *hangs head heavily, begins sobbing and shaking uncontrollably* Yes, people use the CDROM tray as a cup holder. Yes, people try to shove sandwiches in disk drives. Yes, people clean their computers... with a fucking garden hose.

Tech support has taught me the following: People are fucking crazy AND stupid. And there's no such thing as a stupid question. After a certain number of questions, all of them are equally and homgenously stupid.

If you don't drink or smoke now would be a good time to start both.

Grr. Should have closed that em tag at the end of the 2nd para.

If you don't drink or smoke now would be a good time to start both.

This is very, very true. I worked in a call centre with some 30 employees and there were only two who didn't either drink heavily, or do a hell of a lot of hard drugs (usually both, though). You need the chemicals to cope with waking up and thinking "OK, today I am going to do a 10 hour shift involving hundreds of people calling up and taking out all of their anger about their miserable lives on me". The woman who had a desk nearby mine broke down in tears a lot.

I can actually only remember two calls now, though: one was a nice girl who I walked through setting up PPP on Linux (this was notable because it was 1996, it was a girl, it was Linux, and I would have gotten fired if management had found out), and the other was a very angry man who threatened to drive over to the offices and beat the shit out of me because I refused to help him setup his Windows CE thingamabob. I'd imagine that if you work for Dell you'll get many, many calls like the latter and few of the former.

I keep trying to send a Dell to my grand-niece but it's getting stuck in the tubes!

Dell Hell.

"The internet is broken. My computer is being stupid. I sprayed it with Raid to get rid of bugs. This isn't the porn I downloaded. My neighbor has a computer just like this one, that's why we got it, how come his can play music? Why doesn't this look like one of those shiny white ones in the commercial with the dancing people?"

What everyone said and a huge unconscionable block of racism. And, if you're dealing with customers from the UK, a variety of accents that you'll find next to impossible to decode.

"This unit is fried. I just want an RMA number. Only you can give me one, but I know you have to make me jump through a dozen hoops first. Let's get started."

Woah, I have made this exact call before.

"My computer won't work."

"Is it plugged in?"

"Uhhhh... no."

Alternate response:

Plugged in to what?

I was a help desk flunky for two months. I swore after my breakdown that I would never do that again.

I'm not kidding. However, in all fairness, there were other things contributing to the breakdown.

"Hi. When y'all finally replaced my fried harddrive, you didn't re-install the MicroSoft programs I bought and paid for. You told me only MicroSoft could replace them. Well, MicroSoft says only you can replace them cause I paid you for them, not MicroSoft and anyway that don't even make that version anymore. The last time I called, you insisted that I should have the disks from the purchase, even though when my computer arrived originaly the package said "No software disks are included. This is your product key." and the replacement harddrive came with only the operating system disk. I just want my programs that I paid for so I can actually use my laptop for something other than the internet."

I was never a tech support operator but I briefly worked in a computer store and we all took our turn on the phone. You're not fully inducted until you have to assist a caller whose willingness to defend their technical ability exceeds their willingness to confirm whether their computer's plugged in. Everybody gets that at least once if they work in the computer industry in any capacity. Even Bill Gates had to field it back when Microsoft supported the Altair.