MetaChat - Attention customers of any company.

MetaChat is an informal place for MeFites to touch base and post, discuss and chatter about topics that may not belong on MetaFilter. Questions? Check the FAQ. Please note: This is important.

10 January 2007

Attention customers of any company. At any time. Ever.→[More:]
If you have an account number we have assigned to you, have it when you call. Laughing is not an appropriate response when we ask for your account number. It is not funny. Saying, "I knew you were going to ask that..." is also not a valid response. If you knew I was going to ask, why didn't you look it up before you called?!!?

Unless you have xray vision or psychic abilities, you must open all packages we have shipped to you before calling to say something is missing from a shipment.

Contrary to popular belief, the world does extend beyond the area covered by your area code. The person you're talking to is probably not within your area, state, or even your country. Therefore, a seven-digit phone number will not help.

No matter how many times you say it, Springfield is not a state. The University of Puerto Rico is not an address. Michigan and Indiana are separate states and should be treated as such.

When you've been given the price of a product, saying, "What's my price?" is not an appropriate response. If that wasn't your price, I would not have given it to you. If it was list price, then who do you think you are that you should get a special price?

Sales reps are not gods. They cannot walk on water, resurrect the dead, or turn water into wine. They are also not omnipotent and cannot make UPS deliver your package any faster.

If your call is transferred to me and when I pick up the line I am on hold, I will hang up.

Yelling at a customer service rep will not make them want to solve your problem. In fact, it will make them not want to solve your problem. They will put your call on hold and mutter about you under their breath. They will keep you on hold while they go to the restroom, take a cigarette break, or help other customers. They will also complain about you to the rest of their coworkers the next time the department goes out for drinks.

If you spend $150 with my company every two years, saying, "I'm never purchasing from your company again!" is not going to scare us. In fact, if you say this, we'd probably be happy to never talk to you again. This is especially ineffective when the product you purchase can only be sold through said company.

Most customer service departments have more than one person in them. Some have more than 100, or even 1000 people in them. Telling me you spoke with "a man" or "a woman" will not help me find the last person you spoke with. You should have written their name down when they answered the phone and said, "Customer Service this is..."

I feel better now.

post by: youngergirl44 at: 15:37 | 13 comments

Well said!

However: "You should have written their name down when they answered the phone and said, 'Customer Service this is...'" This would be much easier to do if it were not said as fast as humanly possible, once and only once.

posted by me3dia 10 January | 15:50

well, fuck your company!

posted by quonsar 10 January | 15:58

I'm sorry, that was me calling.

posted by drezdn 10 January | 16:27

I had no idea you lived in India, youngergirl44

posted by eekacat 10 January | 17:10

You might enjoy this blog. It's old and no longer being updated, but still tons o' fun.

posted by JanetLand 10 January | 17:14

Well said indeed, youngergirl44. As someone who used to work on a phone line, I would like to add: If I had the power to change or write policy, do you honestly think I'd be sitting here working the goddamned phone lines? Ask for my supervisor. And her supervisor. Seriously. Please. I'd love for them to get even a small portion of the shit you've just dumped on me.

(And on the flip side, note to self: yes, I've answered this question a hundred times. The person who just asked it has only asked it once. Therefore, the answer is not obvious to him/her.)

posted by elizard 10 January | 18:01

This post is entirely unsatisfactory. Please get me your supervisor.

posted by eamondaly 10 January | 18:13

I'm a person not a number. When I call, I like to give the name that all those fun invoices I get are adressed to. Those invoices only have my name on them, yet the person on the line can't ever find me by my name, only by some number that was sent to me on paper once, three years ago. wtf? Someone who created that system is probably spending their consultants fee on a tropical island somewhere....laughing at us dorks on the phone. bastard.

posted by dabitch 10 January | 19:03

Customer Service Managers: We are unable to make software that fills in all information for you. The software is also mostly incapable of finding things that are spelt incorrectly. Change requests can rarely be done and installed immediately. This is NOT Star Trek. Telling me that you must have a particular report in 15 minutes will not make me capable of coding it faster. Also, if you have a new requirement, please tell me as soon as possible. As far as I know the system lifecycle is not split into two sections where section (a) which takes 99% of the time, involves any requirements sitting on your desk gathering dust and section (b) which can be done straight away, involves you telling me what is wanted, me respecifying your substandard guttaral nonsense into something that may actually work, determining how best to incorporate it into the existing software base, doing the coding, testing the changes, documenting the changes, installing the changes, taking several phone calls from yourself because you forgot some major factors which have a huge impact on the changes I'm making, recoding, testing, documenting and implementing said changes to changes and finally arguing with you because you don't want to pay for any of changes I have made.

posted by seanyboy 10 January | 20:00

And that thing you do, where you flirt with me to make me do something quicker. It doesn't work. And when you shout at me... I can make the software do EXACTLY what you're telling me it should do. Bust trust me, you don't want that.

posted by seanyboy 10 January | 20:03

"I'm going to have you fired!"
"I'm going to have you killed."

posted by Lipstick Thespian 10 January | 20:21

From the other end of the phone, please realize this:

I'm up to my eyeballs in the shit that's going on. I've got a dozen customers wanting their stuff right now and the last time I talked to your company the asshat on the other end promised on his life that we'd receive product by the end of the week. My customer is now pissed off that the product is delayed yet again and he's gonna tell 10 friends that my company sucks shit, and all because one of your goons wasn't being honest when he made the promise.

Further, your asshats in shipping didn't bother properly packing the item, you sent it via Unreliable Parcel Service ("You pack it, we stomp it!"), and it's missing several essential components.

I've got every damn bit of paperwork I can lay hands on, but when you ask me for the "Order Number" it's not my PO you actually want, oh no, it's the sixteen digit alphanumeric string labelled "Invoice Number" on a piece of paper we won't actually receive for another week.

Meanwhile, some dyslexic asshat has entered the wrong colour code, your telephone menu system doesn't describe the service I want, and your on-call music is in fact not working at all, so I have no idea if I'm still in line for being answered or my call has been mysteriously dropped.

It sucks from both sides, fellows, long and hard.

posted by Five Fresh Fish 10 January | 22:22

If your call is transferred to me and when I pick up the line I am on hold, I will hang up.

You said it! And if you're the sales rep who pipes in to mispronounce my name 8 seconds after a machine dials my house and tells me to hold, god pity you, because I will not hang up the phone. I will do everything in my power to waste your time and make you miserable. It's the only way I can drive up costs for your asinine employer, whose idea this all was.

If you knew I was going to ask, why didn't you look it up before you called

Generally if I can I have my account number on hand but if it requires fishing paper files out from some years-forgotten cabinet, I think it's likely less effort for the rep on the line to look it up on their computer. Kill me, but it probably is! And besides, they get paid to look it up. I don't :D

If you spend $150 with my company every two years, saying, "I'm never purchasing from your company again!" is not going to scare us.

Well now, this is just getting past the point. Are customer service reps in possession of all the data to know whether or not sub-$150 sales are a substantial, even indispensable segment of the customer base? Maybe they are and maybe they aren't. Maybe in their desperate need to find an excuse for not providing some customer with service, they don't even think about it.

You should have written their name down when they answered the phone and said, "Customer Service this is..."

You're totally right about this. I've kicked myself for it many times. In many instances, however, even a first name isn't going to help connect the dots. When I remember to, I ask for a social security number.

posted by scarabic 10 January | 22:36

← OMG ITU– || Vintage Moscow →

HOME || REGISTER || LOGIN