I don't remember the guy's name — let's call him "Chet", because I hate the name. I got his number through an exchange of messages and called him. We talked for about 45 minutes. Or more accurately, he talked for about 45 minutes. He would talk about himself for ten minutes non-stop, then say, "So, [Swan], tell me about you." I would get out half of a sentence and he'd interrupt and go back to talking about himself again. This happened at least four times during "our" conversation.

He went on about how he doesn't drink, he's high on life, doesn't need to drink, never drinks, keep those fruit juices coming, by the way, did he mention he's high on life?

Another theme was how wonderful his friends thought he was. He'd relate some anecdote of something he'd done and describe how impressed everyone was. One of these "impressive" actions, for instance, was the time he was in a wedding, everyone was arriving for the wedding rehearsal, and he ran outside in the rain with an umbrella to escort "his" bridesmaid from the car to the church. He didn't want "his" bridesmaid to get wet. (The others could get soaked to the bone, I assume.) According to Chet, all the bridemaids were in awe of this and exclaimed what a catch he was and proclaimed their willingness to fix him up with single friends. (Though judging from his use of a dating system, they seem not to have done so, oddly.)

My memories of the rest of the conversation seem to have mercifully faded over time. After getting off the phone I heaved a sigh of relief (he was none too easy to get rid of as I'd say I needed to go and he'd just keep talking). But I breathed too soon.

Stupid me had forgotten to dial number blocking before calling Chet, and he had my number. He proceeded to call me a good ten times over the next fourteen days. I didn't have caller display and was reduced to not answering my calls for fear I might have to talk to him. Finally two or three days went buy without him calling me, and I thought, good, he got the idea I'm not interested. So I started answering my calls again.

And sure enough.. he called again, and got me on the line. And said, "Hey, [Swan], why haven't you been calling me back?"

There are many triangles less obtuse than Chet.

I decided I had to be rather blunt, so I said, "I'm sorry, I decided I wasn't interested."

He got really mad and flew into a rant. It was a gem of its kind that I wish I could remember better. He said, "Well, some people look at other people and say 'that person isn't good enough to scrape gum off my shoe', but I don't. I give people a chance."

I said, "Okay."

Then he said, "Well, some people get on the merry-go-round and go round and round but I don't. I get off the merry-go-round and go on another ride."

I said, "Okay." Because plainly when I was speaking to such a master of discourse there was no point in my even trying to contribute something on par.

After a three or four minutes of ranting, he suddenly barked, "Goodbye!" and hung up. Perhaps it was an artistic decision — he'd reached the height of his eloquence and realized there was nowhere to go but down or out.

It was all so ludicrously over the top that I didn't even get mad over being chewed out for my supposed closed-mindedness and continued merry-go-round riding. I entertained my friends and co-workers with the story and was relieved that at least I could start answering my phone again.

Chet did call me a couple of times after that, but only got the machine and said things like, "Hey, [Swan], haven't heard from you for awhile! Give me a ring!"

Guess whether I did.

He'd relate some anecdote of something he'd done and describe how impressed everyone was. One of these "impressive" actions, for instance, was the time he was in a wedding

That really was a cool thing to do, but damn if I don't hate people who are always tooting their own horns. Let me find out for myself how fabulous you are, asshat. Stop talking about your damn self and telling me how fabulous you are! Because that just lets me know that you aren't.

OS, I love your dating flashbacks. The boyfriend picks on me for having dated lots of people before him, but I cannot think of one flashback as interesting as those you have posted here. Keep sharing! :)

I quite agree, iconomy. And that self-aggrandization always masks something bad. People who have great qualities have a quiet assurance that is not exactly modesty but looks a lot like it. They know what they are and they know everyone else either knows it or will find it out in short order. They don't need to rub anybody's face in it. They don't talk; they do.

I especially hate the whole "most people do X, but I don't" form of bragging. WHYYYYY can't they make a statement about themselves without making ridiculously sweeping statements about the rest of the world? Another guy I talked to went on about how he loves so intensely and how all his friends tell him they don't know how to love someone like he does.

Bullshit on both counts, I'd say.

One of these "impressive" actions, for instance, was the time he was in a wedding ...
That's not so impressive either, by the way. That's the way I would expect someone in that position to act. Just because the rest of the wedding party were arseholes doesn't make the one person who did his job properly a saint. It just makes him OK.

I've a first date with a guy tomorrow and on the one hand, I'm looking forward to it, but on the other, I'm dreading it because dating really isn't all that fun - especially considering the possibility that he could turn out to be a complete ass like exhibit A above.

From our conversations to date, he seems fairly normal and nice (I hate using that word) so we'll see. I am cautiously optimistic.

Orange Swan, great, funny story. I loved reading it. Glad you got away from Chet, he sounds like a real charmer.

Another guy I talked to went on about how he loves so intensely and how all his friends tell him they don't know how to love someone like he does.

Gag! Where do they come up with these lines? I can't imagine a bunch of guys verbalizing this sentiment to a friend.

Because dating really is kind of like doing acid

you mean dating is about five bucks and usually cut with bathtub speed?

That's nothing. Once at a wedding it was raining and to stop the bridesmaids getting wet I stopped the rain with the power of my mind. The bride nearly changed her mind about who she wanted to marry then, but I'm a good guy. I made her get married (she cried though) and just slept with her a couple of times after that.

I'm so magnanimous it makes peoples ears bleed.

Now, if Chet had only been like YOU, seanyboy, I would have fallen for him like the World Trade Center.

The whole dating thing, especially on the net, and I presume, with other technologies pre-net:

For a man, it has to be approached like looking for a job. Nothing is personal, and if one door closes, keep on it till the next door opens. Maybe my take on it is skewed, but it seems that the supply and demand quotient is in favor of women (among us hets, at least).

Of course, this means, for women, more creeps to sift through to stumble upon the true princes amongst us like seanyboy and me.

I would have fallen for him like the World Trade Center.

Truly a tasteless use of a simile.

I would have fallen for him like the World Trade Center.
Truly a tasteless use of a simile.
True, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me lol.

Same here. It was audacious! I loved it!

Well, I figured people say "sinking like the Titantic" and no one thinks anything of it. The difference between the two, of course, is that the one disaster is much more of an open wound because it was so much more recent. There are many more WTO survivors around and alert enough to care. But I assume they've got better things to worry about than some internet nerd's choice of simile.

"WTC survivors"

some internet nerd's choice of simile

Another great band name in need of a band!

I talked to this girl from nerve.com on the phone a while ago. She had called me Mark in a recent email, and my name isn't Mark. On the phone call (which was her idea) she decided to begin by backpedaling about getting my name wrong, blaming my parents for giving me such a generic first name that it's easy to get mixed up as to whether it's Mark or Mac or Moe or whatever. She complained that my parents had given into a trend and just given me a common and obvious name instead of bothering to use their imaginations and come up with something meaningful. She was really enthusiastic about it.

At some point, I managed to interrupt her long enough to tell her that I'm named after my great-grandfather.

It kind of went downhill from there, but I have to say that her level of embarrasment was...well...enjoyable to me. In the end, she asked if I wanted to get together in person sometime. I said sure, and then before she could say anything else, I said "Let's plan it later." I guess I could have been more direct, but I figure the way I did it was nicer than just hanging up on her 20 minutes earlier, which is what I'd wanted to do.