No hints, just get over yourself and realise life isn't about self-sabotage. The more you actually stress about things like this --- the more you lose yourself.

Speak. Then speak from your heart. Speak. Speak again from your heart. And then speak again, because you never know unless you speak. Be open and honest. Women will welcome you almost all the time if you can get over your own fears. Maybe she isn't going to be a supermodel, but she will be human and have the same wants as you.

If you already some dance, YOU ARE IN and this thread is useless.....

Speak. Speak again from your heart. And then speak again, because you never know unless you speak. Be open and honest.

Well, I imagine the issue comes from being open and honest and sometimes "open and honest" being "stumbling, awkward and oh-god-you're-getting-the-wrong idea-i swear-i-didn't-mean-that-it just-came-out-wrong".

That said, a simple "oh, hey, I didn't mean to seem insensative about your situation before!" can be pretty appropriate. As long as you don't frame it in your conversation as "me being an arse" rather than "me being charmingly absent minded" you should be okay.

instead of arguing with hugsnkisses, I kind of agree with her. You'll find the best advice from your own decisions.

I mumble something unintelligible about my dark masters and scurry away quickly when attractive women try to talk to me. HTH.

The Accidental Tourist vs. The Unintentional Asshole....

eek, how helpful are you? someone needs advice here...

I've been this way for most of my life and as I've approached middle age I've gotten over most of it. What I started doing is pretending like I'm in a play and the character I'm playing is the person who I'd be if I weren't shy. I kind of focus on the whole scene instead of what's going on internally. That gets me over the nervousness and on to the next part.

Next I had to develop better listening skills, and learn to take queues from the people I'm trying to talk to. Otherwise, I'll babble, and lose them.

Finally, I had to learn to let myself be funny. If I think something is funny and it's not too offensive for the audience, I just go ahead and say it. I'm sure people still think I'm weird, but funny-weird, so it's okay.

It took me years to figure out that I was coming across as an asshole when I didn't mean to, so you're way ahead of me.

I think, and there is considerable anecdotal evidence that agrees, that you have to practice empathy, to become more empathetic. You left a person by themselves standing in the cold, outside a door you could have opened? You definitely need to work on being more observant, and making it routine to ask yourself "What is that person thinking? What do they want in this situation? If I were in their shoes, what would I want to happen?" Doing this won't of course, immediately open up some hidden channel into other people's consciousness, but it will get you looking at their eyes, thinking about the motivations of others, and let you recognize when somebody is cold, shy, and probably embarrassed about being without their keys.

Forget yourself, and pay a lot more attention, actively, to the world around you.

funmonkey1, there's lots of good advice here already. What's the matter with a little lightness? I think you have this place confused with Askme. If I was being insulting then I apologize, that's absolutely not my intent. People just need to mellow out man.

I am a dork/doofus from wayyyyy back and here is some of my advice:

Try to get outside of yourself. Don't worry so much about what other people are thinking about you. Or, to be more specific, try not to worry so much about people forming negative judgments about you. In the course of your life, you will be judged negatively, people will decide not to like you, much of the time for reasons that have nothing to do with you and everything to do with the judger. You could remind the person of someone who hurt them in the past. You could be of the wrong ethnic background. Maybe they don't like your clothes. Maybe they think you look like a certain social type. A frat boy. An annoying hipster. They don't know you at all. But they form quick judgments anyway and dismiss you. All of which sucks like the proverbial Hoover. But that's life.

Soooo . . . just go out there and be available. Don't be afraid to make an ass of yourself from time to time. Just try. You won't always make the connections you want to make but you can feel better about yourself for having tried.

Apologize to those you can apologize to (that is, those you see again). "Hey, I realized the other day after I walked off that I left you in the cold, and could have let you in. I'm so sorry for being such an idiot." Making yourself make amends, in person, with an apology, will get you in the habit of thinking of the other person -- because it means you can either help *now*, or else you'll have to go back and admit out loud that you were acting like a doofus.

eek: Exactly. Maybe my question was posed a bit too seriously, but really, this is Mecha, it's supposed to be funny.

everyone: Some good advice here. I indeed talked to the building manager today, before sending the email, and when she told me someone opened the tv room door for her, what I said was exactly "oh, sorry, I didn't even think of that". As for the girl in the bar, I have exchanged some more smiles with her afterwards, although she wasn't nearly as enthusiastic as before, and clearly showed she was not interested. I don't stress much over what these people think about me (no use on worrying about that), my worry is more about eventually stopping doing this (I've got only some few hundred thousand more tries before the whole city thinks I'm an asshole).

sending the email -> writing the post. these interweb thingies are all the same.

I have not hints to give, because I am just as socially inept or quite possibly more so. Much to my surprise a female friend once told me I had barbed wire for body language...

I think it's just geek syndrome, aka mild Asperger's. It's a general cluelessness about the subtleties of human communication.

I'm excellent at paying attention to emotional notes between characters in movies, seeing two points of view in their interaction, that sort of thing. I'm hopeless in my own life, as I've proven time and again.

Generally, though, I find that I'm perceived as nice and always willing to help, in contrast to my self-image. People forgive my occasional stiffness and awkwardness in RL.

I've always found I'm better when I'm in some kind of groove. At work (employed or freelancing) I have a cheery "work persona" that I can slip into, full of smiles and jokes and attention. It's a bit false, though, and I sometimes worry it comes off as solicitous. I'm a lot better with friends, of course, the people I need to worry the least about. Damn irony.

I would try to worry about this less as that just makes you more analytical in the moment, and self-recriminatory afterwards.

I agree with paulsc... If empathy doesn't come naturally (it probably does - it just doesn't come immediately, and that's what's causing your problems), you need to give it a bit of a push, and practice, practice, practice! In interactions you must try to think of what the other person feels/needs/wants/fears and respond to that as well as you can. The main point is that you don't want to focus on how you feel/fear (which gets you out of sync with - and a step behind - the other person) as you examine/acknowledge your own reaction) but on how they seem to feel.

With the smiling girl, you were probably thinking something like "is she really smiling at me, or at someone else? Is this a 'I like you' smile, or just a 'hello" smile? Should I smile back?"... and right there you lost the beat. If your thought had been "how would it be if that were me smiling at someone?" then you would know that a look of confusion and failure to smile back on the part of the other person would make you feel bad/silly for smiling at them... and you would definitely smile back.

That sounds like a lot of thinking, but it doesn't need to be. You just imagine yourself in the other position for the tiniest moment...

Anyway, I could explain this a lot better (maybe!) and in more detail, but short on time today (gots to cook a turkey and some carrot bread!)... but maybe we should revisit this topic in a couple of weeks. There are a lot of people here who would love to talk about this more.

eek, you're right. sorry about that :)

If someone smiles at you, then it's probably best to smile back first, say hello and do your thinking then. I'm quite shy, but that initial show of warmth has helped me in situations where I've had trouble with eye contact / knowing what to say / etc.

And everyone is right. Practice the empathy. From the sounds of things, you have it, but you need to incorporate it into the background hum of your thinking. That way, you'll still be capable of understanding what people are thinking when your fight or flight mechanism kicks in. At the moment, that doesn't sound like the case.

Many people are very self-conscious, no matter what they look like or how confident they appear. Don't look at your friends when a girl smiles at you or talks to you or she might think you're checking to see if they approve. She might be afraid you guys will be grading her or laughing when she passes by or turns away. Let a girl cull you from your herd, even if it's just a half turn or a half step away from them.

Found dog one eye said this:

Finally, I had to learn to let myself be funny. If I think something is funny and it's not too offensive for the audience, I just go ahead and say it. I'm sure people still think I'm weird, but funny-weird, so it's okay.

and I want to third or fourth it.

I think I come across as super frosty because strangers look so surprised if I say something cute or tease them. I have a good role model in my husband, who teases anybody, anywhere but start small, be relaxed and fake it until you make it. Don't keep a mental list of clever things to say or rehearse a one-liner in your mind before you don't say it :p because it won't have the same flow as commenting on the moment- rehearsed can read as creepy.

Try not to obsess over past awkwardness, my brother. Just do something different next time. If you're wanting to get on better with the ladies, practice talking to all of us all the time.

I simply try to treat others like I'd like to be treated. I've been told I come off as aloof, because in a new situation, I tend to sit back and observe until someone draws me into the conversation. I live in my head enough not to let being at a party and not knowing anyone bother me. I like things to evolve naturally - I don't like 'working' a room.

All I ever want is for someone to meet me halfway. You have to develop your listening skills and learn to take cues from people.

People love to talk about themselves (we do it here all day!) I've found that I can overcome my shyness by asking questions and being an active listener. I try to observer small details about people when I'm talking to them. I may make mention of a fella's cufflinks or a woman's necklace.

A girl smiling at you is never a bad thing, unless your fly is open...