Huh. I think I'd rather deal with people who show some emotion. Grownups should be able to handle their emotions, but that doesn't mean that masking your feelings is always a good thing.

Showing your emotions is not a bad thing. And I think trying to make yourself something you're not can be dangerous.

Grownups should be able to handle their emotions

And should be able to acknowledge and accept others', too.

Your boss is just being a wienie, not wanting to deal with the fact that you're not always feeling exactly how s/he wants you to. That's your boss's problem (although bosses sometimes have a way of quickly making it your problem, unfortunately).

You're not broken. You're not even bent. Just make sure you're not being unneccesarily or unknowingly rude, and carry on.

well I have to earn a living. I'd trade a lot of what's good about me for functionality, for the smoothness or the Whatever It Is that allows people to relate as perceived equals and not for one of them to look at the other and think he or she is a bit "special". I'd take a pill even if it took away some of my creativity or capacity to love, at this point. I really would. (Hear that, devil? I want a pact!)

Alternatively I want this-all certified as a disability so I don't have to force myself into unsuitable situations anymore.

One of my boss's main complaints about me is that she can't read me at all, that I don't show what I'm feeling on my face.

You're not broken; bosses just like to complain :-)

And everyone judges everyone all the time, I don't think it's related to thinking the other person is off, necessarily. The only trick required for dealing with it is not to take it too personally, I think.

Note to self: don't play poker with occhiblu. Play poker with BTGOG.

BTGOG: I have been told the exact same thing by a couple of management types. In hindsight, I've since been told by co-workers and figured out on my own that both of them were horribly ineffective managers who favoured a passive aggressive style of approach.

Not that I'm not owning my share of the issue mind you, because I've had to force myself over the years to show a better 'game face'. However there's a good chance that what you're hearing is also projection from a nutless non-confrontationalist management drone who doesn't like dealing with anything besides Stepford-esque automatons in their department.

these sorts are certainly out there. I know of what I speak.

Anyone who says this kind of thing has emotional issues of their own, BTGB OMFUG. Don't let the narrow-minded monkeys get you down.

I once had a boss tell me the exact same thing and it was one of the best pieces of advice I've ever received. What I didn't realize was that the disappointment, frustration and confusion my face showed too easily basically all translate to petulance to higher-ups. It made me look immature and though I was a whiz at handling clients over the phone, it made me ill-suited to dealing with clients face-to-face.

Once I was made aware of it, I made a concerted effort to stop. If I was truly frustrated or angry, I'd express why as clearly as I could. Otherwise, I just tried to be as pleasant as possible--which was easy to do, since people were generally more pleasant to me and treated me with much more respect.

I do the same thing. I have on my to do list to go to the library and find "business communications for dummies" or the ilk, in the hopes that I can learn some more effective ways to get by in the world. Don't feel down - wipe that look off your face! (ha). Clearly you're not alone.

Many thanks for the excellent comments everyone. It's good to know that I'm not alone.

The solution is pretty much what jrossi4r expresses but my attempt to follow it is what's difficult. I am faced with anxiety, especially about what others think of me, difficulty in reading the emotions of others, attention span problems, a short fuse... All of what she says is true. She acknowledges that I am indeed trying and doesn't seem unsympathetic but what to do? I try to do the best job I can really and do my best. If I know what the solution is, why can't I realise it when I've been trying and trying to do so?

I think I may need to find a job where I deal with nearly everyone over the phone.

I imagine this boss and a collection of others in my life, demanding something from me - what? My soul? My capacity for happiness? My freedom? What? in exchange for acceptance. Really, I'd give it to them. Just show me where to sign.

Many years ago I cried in a boss's boss's office and she told me I "cry pretty". Which means that my face doesn't get all puffy and red, so I don't look like I've been crying.

I don't know if this will help you, but when I'm in a situation that I know is going to effect me too emotionally, I switch to acting mode. I literally pretend I'm acting a part in a play, and then I act the way I would want the real me to act. You have to really concentrate on the pretending to pull this off; it's sort of a "be what you want to seem" thing.

On preview: matildaben, I am soooo envious; I look horrible when I've been crying.

Seriously. Crying pretty would be good. I *so* don't possess that one.

It just occurred to me that my boss has at various times told me I don't show enough emotion, and also that I too easily indicate when I'm annoyed with someone. So now I'm thinking I must have some secret superpower that allows the latter without compromising the former. Hmmm...

the worst part is, I thought I was doing okay there. I really don't have any darned clue!

I know my life is good. I'm good at some stuff and have a wonderful partner in my life and I'm doing a great many things that I want to do. This isn't the worst thing on earth, but I want it fixed.

There's really no right or wrong to this; the boss isn't right or wrong, and you're not right or wrong, about the impression you give. Instead it's about the job, and the demands of the job. If it's necessary that you present a smooth, professional presence at the job most of the time, then it's kind of a critical skill to develop if you want to keep the job. If the job doesn't really require it, you're golden. I've got friends who love their programming jobs, or library jobs, because they don't have to project a sales/marketing image. I have friends in tourism and service jobs who know just how to present a positive public image, and would get bored behind the scenes. It's about the fit between the job or career and the employee, in my opinion.

I have one of those faces that look serious and angry when in repose. I've had to work on that a bit.

And I know what you mean about trading for functionality. You don't really have to trade anything in, though. You just have to decide to change. Which means deciding what you want more -- the comfort and ease of not changing, or the satisfaction of making a change that will affect you positively.

Functionality is a beautiful thing.

Thanks for your thoughts, Miko. I used to work in a museum, Miko, and though I had the same problems they accepted me. Leaving that job was the very hardest part of moving across the ocean.

I've been a weak person so far, without the discipline to support the choice you mention - a choice which I have made many times but can't seem to remember when I need it. And I am better, far better than I was or than anybody expected me to be. I need to find a therapist for support in developing that discipline. There's a waiting list for that here.

Yeah, I get this as well, although less now. I was always hyper-critical of other people's stuff when I disagreed with it or thought it/they wasn't/weren't up to the job. After too many times of different managers telling me this, it finally sunk in and I try to bite my tongue a bit more now. When things really get on top of me and I get really stressed, my old behaviour reappears, but I'm aware of it and try to stop acting like a huge swearing-character-assassinating arsehole.

Incidentally, the word "assassinating" contains the word "ass" twice.

"Crying Pretty" or "She Cries So Pretty," would make an excellent country song. I'm not kidding.

Heh BytheGrace - I work in a museum. It's true - when the employer's values align well with yours, you get accepted. I'm glad I found this field. I do still need to work on various professional skills, though.

Best of luck working on it, though. I'm sure you will be successful.

(((Grace)))

You'll figure it out. I had the same problem and somehow figured out how to have a fairly neutral expression most of the time.

And yeah, I'm envious of "pretty crying". I look truly awful when crying and just afterward.

Grace, this clearly really hurt. You're not a broken person, and maybe this manager doesn't get that you're sensitive, so maybe things don't show on your face as clearly as she thinks. Because if this much pain was showing on your face, she should feel like hell.

What the heck is wrong with honest emotion being displayed?

If it really bugs you, you could take an acting class. I tend to display false cheerfulness, and people tend to disbelieve me when I say I'm depressed, falling apart, etc (not today, thankfully) so maybe it's not such a useful trait. Although embarassment sure shows all over my face.

I have no idea why your boss is doing this, but I think you should suggest that she help you with your job performance as it is defined in your job description. sheesh.

Do you have a face that you know how to make when you want to hide your emotions? If you don't have one ready to go, you can't expect yourself to do it on the fly when you're upset. Just practice in the mirror a few times a day, then try to remind yourself to make that face when you are trying to hide your emotions. To get started, try relaxing your face muscles. We tense up when angry, and our faces contract. Try to consciously relax those muscles in the mirror to see what that looks like. Then pick something neutral to do with your mouth. Try to channel all your emotions out your eyes, like laser beams burrowing into your stupid jerk boss' forehead. (But try not to furrow your eyebrows when doing this.) Just count to three when you get upset: 1) relax face; 2) arrange mouth; 3) emotions out the eyes. It sucks to have to do this, but the less people at work can tell about your emotions, the less leverage they have to mess with your head.