MetaChat - Struggling.

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13 November 2006

Struggling. →[More:]Today has been hard. I keep thinking back to 13 November last year, a Sunday. George wasn't feeling well, he had a bad chest cold. We talked on the phone on Sunday, early evening his time, 11-ish in England. I was excited about my trip to Ohio later that week. We were going to announce our engagement at Thanksgiving.

I went to bed, got up for work next day, there was an email from him that he'd sent after I'd gone to bed. The last contact we ever had.

Here's part of it.

I really am glad you aren't here now,
I would feel so bad if I gave this "bug" to you.
I take the antibiotics till the 17th, the day before you get here.
Hopefully by then, they will have done their job and knocked this cold out.

If I don't perk up by the time you get here, I will just have to go out and find you a nurse's uniform and let you give me some tender care.

Seems like there was something I was going to tell you or ask you, and I be darned if I can remember what it was. Oh well, if it was important, I am sure it will come to me again later.

well, I am heading back into the bed.
Hopefully this time I will sleep all night
and wake up in the morning full of piss and vinegar

G.

In fact he never woke up. What nobody realised was that the infection had spread to the myocardium (the membrane around the heart) and had weakened it. During the night, his heart just stopped beating.

I wonder every day what it was he wanted to say to me but couldn't remember.

I am still heartbroken, still angry that I've been cheated out of a life with the only man I've ever truly loved.

Life is so fucking unfair sometimes. I am raging against God tonight.

post by: essexjan at: 15:10 | 36 comments

That's heartbreaking, jan.

*sends good thoughts Englandward*

posted by jonmc 13 November | 15:11

:-(

posted by ThePinkSuperhero 13 November | 15:15

Oh, Jan. I'm so sorry. Hugs and good thoughts and sympathetic raging.

I just broke down crying in front of my yoga class because I can't stop thinking about my mother's death, so... right there with you. These sorts of anniversaries are just awful.

I wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but nothing really can, can it? Please do know I'm thinking of you, and please do what you can to take care of yourself.

posted by occhiblu 13 November | 15:16

You'll be in my thoughts, Jan.

posted by pieisexactlythree 13 November | 15:19

I'm so very sorry, Jan. George's email is very poignant to read, and I can't even imagine what you are feeling.

My heart is with you.

posted by Specklet 13 November | 15:35

That's so incredibly sad and desperately unfair.

posted by TheDonF 13 November | 15:42

Sendin' nuthin' but hugs your way.
Keep your head up!

posted by Joe Famous 13 November | 15:43

jan, you're always in my thoughts.

posted by muddgirl 13 November | 15:52

((((((ej))))))

posted by LunaticFringe 13 November | 15:52

Chin up, Eedge! We're all here for you and we'll see you through this. You are a strong, strong woman and this day will make you even more so. You are surrounded in love from all of us. Be well.

posted by Lipstick Thespian 13 November | 16:01

Oh, EJ. I'm thinking of you.

posted by Fuzzbean 13 November | 16:01

Hi Jan, I remember the first time I saw your username was when you asked that incredibly heartbreaking askme last year. I too am about to begin married life with my true love and can't imagine being in your place. I often wonder how things are with you everytime I see your username even though we've never really interacted. That askme just really stuck with me for some reason. Sending some random person on the internet love your way.

posted by chiababe 13 November | 16:04

I know nothing that can be said will change anything. So please just know you are in our hearts.

posted by arse_hat 13 November | 16:05

Please add my hugs to the love, sweetie. I'm so sorry that you have to endure this pain.

posted by taz 13 November | 16:10

essexjan I was thinking of you earlier today, and then I saw your post on flickr. (((((ej))))). Life is so random.

posted by gaspode 13 November | 16:10

That sucks, I'm sorry for you, essexjan. I think you have every right to rage.

posted by fenriq 13 November | 16:21

Jan, I just really want to say that I am sorry that life dealth such a lousy blow, while at the same time, I am glad you did get to know George. It's so tough, and I don't claim to be able to relate, but I am really sorry you have to live with this sadness.

posted by richat 13 November | 16:22

(((((((Jan))))))) S. and I both adore you so much, and please know you're in our hearts and our thoughts.

posted by krix 13 November | 16:30

Oh, Jan. My heart goes out to you. (((((jan)))))

posted by elizard 13 November | 16:31

(((ej))) ***ej***

posted by getoffmylawn 13 November | 16:38

Jan, you've really shown a lot of grace and courage in the past year. You inspire me.

posted by jrossi4r 13 November | 16:46

Jan, you're in my thoughts today.

posted by initapplette 13 November | 17:18

EJ - stay strong.
Carry your pain, but don't let your pain carry you.

posted by Hellbient 13 November | 17:34

They say things get better, with time. To a certain extent, "they" lie. Just the spaces between the pain get wider...may your spaces widen quickly, and may there be many of them. May you be able to remember the joy the two of you had with clarity and peace.

You are in my thoughts.

posted by bunnyfire 13 November | 17:35

Jan, do remember that you've made it through the worst of this and that this, too, shall pass.

posted by ooga_booga 13 November | 17:42

Hugs, Jan. And more hugs.

posted by tommasz 13 November | 17:46

You have my sympathy.

If it helps to know it, I too share your bewilderment. I would like to know why these things happen but I am certain that we are not to know, now or ever.

posted by ikkyu2 13 November | 18:05

Oh, Jan. I'm so sorry.

posted by small_ruminant 13 November | 18:29

I'm so sorry, jan... I wish anything I could say could make anything any better. Just know that I have such great affection and admiration for you, and you're very much in my heart and thoughts. Thank you for sharing George's words. We just never know, do we?

posted by Pips 13 November | 18:42

I remember from last year how this affected you. Anniversaries are tough.

And sometimes, life just isn't fair. Lots of times, actually.

.

posted by stilicho 13 November | 22:28

dear jan, it breaks my heart to think of you right now being sad. It is a hard, hard time in your life right now, as hard as it can get. There are no words we can say to make you feel better but perhaps we can hug you and ask you to be optimistic. Keep strong, life owes you a big debt already and you are young still with oh! so many things ahead of you. Life is long and unpredictable. Keep George in your heart and in your memory and be strong dear.

I am writing these words listening to the Somewhere over the Rainbow song you posted just a few days ago. There is sunshine always beyond the rainbow... Many many many hugs.

posted by carmina 13 November | 22:44

I'm sorry, essexjan. I'm thinking of you.

posted by halonine 13 November | 22:58

Life can really suck. (((essexjan)))

posted by deborah 13 November | 23:18

Stay strong e/j
{{{{{{{{essexjan}}}}}}}}}

posted by seanyboy 14 November | 03:29

I'm so sorry, essexjan. Words just aren't enough right now. I'm sending you many hugs and I'm thinking of you. I hope you find peace.

posted by redvixen 14 November | 18:47

Heartbreaking.

posted by hugsnkisses 14 November | 19:29

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