That is the total suck, brujita. Sorry you've been placed in this dilemma.

Wow, tough call, brujita.

My mother has been in the hospital for about six weeks with a brain fungus. I wish I could go to SC but my cardiologist says I can't fly (for awhile anyway).

I send you my best wishes.

every single person in your life will die, move away, or fail you in some manner. go see him.

I AM going to be there when he has the surgery, but doing so means that I have to be around my mother, whose messages to me while I was growing up were essentially: "I have knocked you down, I am now jumping on your ribs, rise above it" and "Let's smile and pretend nothing's the matter even though shit keeps happening". When we had family therapy, there were times in sessions where I thought I had gotten through to her, but twenty minutes after leaving it would be back to the same crap. The family dynamic was that my brother was Golden Boy and I was the sick, bad one. "Let's find the magic answer to brujita's problems, but we won't take a good hard look at ourselves." Only one therapist let my father know that the issues weren't just me, but Daddy refused to acknowledge this. Twenty six years of shrinks was more than enough; I've since turned to more holistic treatments.

Thank you mischief--I'm sorry about your mother. There's bus and train service between Las Vegas and SC, but they involve several days and multiple transfers.

Your mom and my mom should go bowling. Well, she's a more moderate version of it and I've more or less made my peace with it. But look at it this way, God gives you friends as a way of apologizing for your family.

Brujita, my mother is pretty much the same. She's told me many times that I'm the one that ruins the family. I have female friends who are in the same situation. I sympathize.

:-(

sorry brujita. My mom too was on the tough side but not anything like you are describing. Going to your dad will probably be good for *you* (you are not like them, *you* do things right) and ignore your mom and brother while you are there. You know, cool baby. Be cool. Do you have friends in LA you can hang out with or even bring to the hospital with you for some of the time? sorry for the unsolicited advice, I can't help it...

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad, brujita, and about your mom, mischief.

My father and I had the rockiest of relationships (I swear I almost killed the man once... I was one-more-word-from-him away from it.) But I was still glad I was there during his final illness. In fact, I was there the moment he died, along with most of our immediate family. It's a memory I could live without, but I'm glad he wasn't alone. No one should be alone.

Funny thing is, all that "family stuff," it just doesn't matter anymore. Maybe it never really did. He was who he was, my birth mother was who she was, and I was and am who I am, and nothing changes any of that. You can only change yourself. I was never gonna have a "relationship" with my father, and eventually I had to accept that; there was more peace between us after that. I let a lot of things go, and, ultimately, I'm happier for it.

(Easier said than done, right?)

There's a few people I know, but I don't want my mother anywhere near them and I'll most likely be staying at my uncle's. When Daddy had his second knee replaced I went into another room when my mother was there.

A woman named Wendy Werris has just published a memoir partly dealing with how she worked at my grandfather's bookstore and there's a picture of him in the book. I saw her read the other night and gave her my email.

I've been told that forgiving someone doesn't mean you can't still be angry or have to have anything to do with that person, and was given the suggestion to light a candle and ask the powers that be for help, because I can't do it myself.

(((brujita and mischief)))

I wonder what it is with mothers and daughters? My mother was bad enough but nowhere near as vicious as brujita's and we now have a good relationship. I guess I should be grateful for that.

What a tough place to be, brujita. I hope the situation is as easy as it can be for all of you.

I'm sorry for this, brujita. I don't know what else to say. I know you didnt' ask for advice, but what if you just avoid your mom? Like notifying the hospital desk that you want to be alone with him at certain times? Have security haul her ass out if she doesn't want to comply.

*sorry. I'm a bit bitter about things like this. My dad and I have no real relationship, though we've tried off and on over the years. He's never apologized for the physical abuse he heaped on my mom and me (my brother was THE BOY, therefore perfect). *

On the other hand, I like what you said about forgiveness doesn't mean you can't still be angry. I think I should take that in to consideration.

The thing is I'll have to be around her when he comes right out of surgery. Last time I told her, "Just what part of I want nothing more to do with you don't you understand?" followed by leaving the room. Later when my father was wheeled in, she tried to give me a free pass to something "I'll just leave this by brujita's chair and if she wants it she can pick it up." Other than that, she wasn't there when I came over to the hospital. I've taken a self-defense class, if need be.

Part of the reason why I wish I were tall is because I never got bigger than her--I'm 5'6", she's 5'10".