I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO ENGLAND THIS WEEKEND FOR MY SISTER'S FORTIETH BIRTHDAY! MY GOING OVER THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SURPRISE! TA DA! WE WERE ALL GOING TO GET TOGETHER AT THIS LITTLE PLACE IN CORNWALL NOT FAR FROM LAND'S END! I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO IT SO MUCH! CIDER! PASTIES! SALT AIR! THE DAY BEFORE THE TRIP MY WIFE & I HAD A VET APPOINTMENT FOR OUR CAT, WHO HAS BEEN SLOWLY RECOVERING FROM A SERIOUS LIVER CONDITION. FOR VARIOUS REASONS WE'VE BEEN GOING TO AN ANIMAL HOSPITAL ABOUT AN HOUR+FIFTEEN DRIVE AWAY FROM WHERE WE LIVE. IT WAS ANOTHER LONG ROUND-TRIP, BUT THE NEWS LOOKED GOOD: THE BLOOD TEST RESULTS WERE POSITIVE, AS WAS THE WEIGHT GAIN. MY WIFE WAS GEARED UP TO LOOK AFTER HIM & THE OTHER CAT & THE DOG WHILE I WAS AWAY. THAT NIGHT, HOWEVER, THE CAT STARTED TO ACT LIKE HE WAS GETTING ANOTHER UTI, WHICH HAD BEEN A RECURRENT PROBLEM FOR HIM IN THE PAST. HOPING IT WAS JUST A TEMPORARY GLITCH, I PACKED MY BAG ANYWAY, AND HEADED OFF ON MY TRAVELS AT 5:30 THE NEXT MORNING. BY 9:30 I HAD MADE IT TO COPENHAGEN AIRPORT, & HAD CHECKED IN MY BAGS. THEN, MY WIFE CALLED, VERY UPSET, SAYING THAT THE CAT LOOKED LIKE HE WAS GETTING WORSE, & THAT SHE DIDN'T WANT TO SPOIL MY TRIP, BUT THAT SHE HATED THE THOUGHT OF TWO & A HALF HOURS ON THE ROAD ON HER OWN. SO I WENT TO THE GATE & TOLD THE LADY I WASN'T GETTING ON NO PLANE. 'ARE YOU SICK, SIR?' SHE ASKED, HAVING MOMENTARILY LOOKED LIKE SHE REALLY WANTED TO SLAP ME . 'NO,' I REPLIED WEAKLY: 'MY CAT IS…' SO I HAD TO TRAVEL ALL THE WAY BACK ACROSS SOUTHERN SWEDEN TO THE HICKSVILLE TOWN WHERE I LIVE, AND HELP LOOK AFTER OUR SICK PUSSY; WE TOOK HIM ON YET ANOTHER TRIP OUT TO THE ANIMAL HOSPITAL, WHERE I HAD TO HELP HOLD HIM DOWN WHILE HE HAD A THERMOMETER POKED INTO HIS FURRY ARSE, AND WAS EXAMINED AND GIVEN TWO MORE INJECTIONS. UNFORTUNATELY, BECAUSE HE HAS A WEAK LIVER, THEY COULDN'T GIVE HIM THE ANTI-INFLAMMATORY MEDICATION THAT WOULD NORMALLY HAVE BEEN USED TO EASE THE IRRITATION FROM THE UTI, SO HE'S STILL SUFFERING WITH THAT TODAY, ALTHOUGH IT DOES SEEM TO SLOWLY BE GETTING BETTER. BUT I WAS SO DISAPPOINTED I DIDN'T GET TO MEET UP WITH MY SISTER, AND I AM STILL VERY DEJECTED...

YOU TOTALLY WOKE ME UP.

SORRY: I'M FEELING A LITTLE HOARSE NOW AFTER ALL THAT, SO MAYBE YOU CAN GET ANOTHER HALF-HOUR'S SNOOZE IN BEFORE ANYONE ELSE STARTS YELLING.

(you know you make me wanna shout (kick mah heels up and..))

What a shame, both for you and for the cat! It's too bad there was no one else your wife felt comfortable calling. I hope you can still get to go visit your sis, even if it isn't a surprise.

THAT SUCKS ROCKS, MISTERAITCH! ALSO, WHAT ICONOMY SAYS!

I'VE CHANGED MY CAT'S FOOD BACK TO THE ONE HE USED TO EAT, FORGETTING JUST HOW MESSY HE GOT WITH IT! WHY OH WHY DOES HE NEED TO EAT HIS FOOD OFF THE FLOOR INSTEAD OF FROM THE FRIGGIN' BOWL? IT WAS OKAY WITH THE LARGER KIBBLE, BUT THIS STUFF IS SMALL AND HE ONLY EATS, LIKE, 1/5 OF WHAT HE PULLS OUT ONTO THE FLOOR! AAAAAAAAUUUUGGGGGHHH!

I HAVE BEEN AWAKE SINCE 4AM WHEN I DIDN'T NEED TO BE AND YOU CAN BET YOUR LIFE THAT TOMORROW WHEN I NEED TO BE AWAKE AT 4AM I'LL BE TIRED OUT.

AND I HAD A HORRIBLE JOURNEY HOME TONIGHT ON THE DOCKLANDS LIGHT RAILWAY. THE MAN I SAT NEXT TO WAS MENTALLY ILL AND HE KEPT SHOUTING ABOUT HOW HE WAS TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH ME AND WAS GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME, SO I MOVED TO ANOTHER SEAT WHEN IT BECAME FREE AND A WOMAN SAT NEXT TO ME WHO WAS ENORMOUSLY, MORBIDLY OBESE AND SHE STANK TO HIGH HEAVEN, THE MOST HORRIBLE SMELL, LIKE A COMBINATION OF STINKY FEET AND DIRTY UNDERPANTS, COMING FROM ALL THE FOLDS OF HER BODY AND THE MENTALLY ILL MAN WAS STILL SHOUTING ABOUT HOW HE WAS GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH PEOPLE AND SHE TURNED TO TALK TO ME ABOUT HIM AND HER BREATH SMELLED AS IF SHE'D BEEN EATING DOGSHIT SANDWICHES.

AND THEN WHEN I GOT HOME I FORGOT THAT MY SHOWER HOSE SPLIT LAST NIGHT (AND WHY DO THEY ALWAYS SPLIT WHEN YOU ARE COVERED IN SOAP AND SHAMPOO, THEY NEVER SPLIT AS SOON AS YOU TURN THE SHOWER ON OR WHEN YOU'VE RINSED THE SOAP OFF) AND I PUT THE CAR IN THE GARAGE AND THEN HAD TO GET IT OUT AGAIN AND DRIVE TO B&Q IN THE RUSH HOUR.

AND ELIZARD, MY CATS DO THAT, BAILEY FILLS HER MOUTH WITH FOOD, THEN RUNS INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND DROPS THE FOOD ON THE FLOOR AND I ONLY FIND THE BITS SHE HASN'T EATEN WHEN I AM WALKING ROUND IN BARE FEET.

BUT I AM GOING TO VEGAS IN THE MORNING!!! YAAAAAY!! I AM BEYOND BEING EXCITED. THE MENTALLY ILL MAN OR THE STINKY WOMAN HAD BETTER NOT BE SITTING NEXT TO ME ON THE PLANE THOUGH OR YOU WILL BE READING ABOUT AN 'INCIDENT' ON A PLANE IN WEDNESDAY'S PAPER.

I'M GOING TO VEGAS FOR THE WEDDING OF THE CENTURY - WOOFRICKEN'HOO!!!

ARGH THAT'S COMPLETELY HORRIBLE MISTERAITCH. IT REMINDS ME OF THE TIME THAT MY NOW-SPOUSE WAS VISITING ME IN SAN FRANCISCO ALL THE WAY FROM YURRIP AND HER PLANE FLEW FROM PARIS FOR FOUR HOURS, AND THEN TURNED AROUND AND FLEW BACK AGAIN BECAUSE THERE WAS AN INCONSISTENCY BETWEEN THE PASSENGER LIST AND LUGGAGE MANIFEST. IT WAS BEYOND BELIEF AND THE AIRLINE WOULD NOT EXPLAIN WHAT ON EARTH WAS GOING ON WHILE I SAT IN THE AIRPORT, WAITING AND CLUELESS.

I AM YELLING BECAUSE I HAD THE MOST INCREDIBLE NIGHT LAST NIGHT, WHICH BECAME EXTREMELY FUCKED-UP LATER ON, AND I CAN'T TELL IF THE EVENING WAS GREAT WITH A TOUCH OF AWFULNESS, OR DREADFUL BUT WITH A SILVER LINING.