Does the Balrog sing? That could make it all worth the price.

I had a high-school friend nicknamed "The Hobbit." He was very short, very polite, and had hairy feet.

He called us all "Sir." He called everyone "sir," except for women. I don't recall him ever calling anyone "ma'am," though. I believe he was too shy to get close to women, much less call them "Ma'am."

Once the Hobbit found an ancient black leather coat, so old and worn it was actually brown, and he wore that for a while. His hair was long. His personality changed when he put on that coat. We called him "Snake" (and tried not to laugh.) Snake acted really mean and often made a ruckus at the local McDonald's. You know: if his fries were stale, they could end up flying all over the place. Etc.

People got out of his way when Snake made a ruckus. People stopped staring at him and looked sheepishly down at their Big macs when he shot them a nasty look. He played the part well.

Snake was a very different person from The Hobbit and Snake only existed with the jacket on.

But the Hobbit was a sweetheart, a "lover," as the Irish say. The main sport at his house was giving his dog affectionate pats. "She needs lots of pats," he would tell us. And we'd all pat his doggy for hours.

Hmmm. My feet aren't hairy, but my toes are fuckin' hairy. Maybe I can play some kind of half-breed.

In high school I had a buddie who thought it was a hoot to call me a hobbit because I have hairy feet and toes. I also have a unibrow, though I don't think it's a hobbitish characteristic...well, it is true that Brooke Shields has a unibrow. So, maybe.

Do *monkey toes count?
*monkey toes = the second toe is longer than big toe.

Wow, I have monkey toes as well.