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25 August 2006

The Amish chronicles I spent the years between ages sixteen and nineteen living in a little town in southwestern Ontario. There were lots of Amish and Mennonites in the area. There was a hitching shed in the centre of town for the convenience of Amish shoppers and I regularly waited on Amish customers at the local KFC. I went to school with some Mennonite kids - in fact, one of my closest friends is a conservative Mennonite woman I knew in high school. Here's a little collection of stories I've gathered from my brushes with the bonneted set....
Story #1:

My friend’s sister’s (non-Amish) neighbours have an out-of-control teenager, Dan. Dan is well on his way to being a juvvie. Recently, his parents tasked him with painting the garage door. He spent most of his time mooning everyone who went by and as his parents are just down the road from the main intersection of [the little town where my friend’s sister lives], he had quite an audience. Surprisingly, no one in this mostly Mennonite town called the police.

Anyway, two days ago my friend’s sister heard yelling and went outside to see what was going on. The neighbour kid was yelling down the street at an Amish man and hurling insults and accusations and obscenities. Whatever Dan said, the Amish guy just yelled back "only homos show their ass". To get that effect, you have to picture a bearded, straw-hatted, suspender-wearing man yelling that sentence. The homophobic overtone of this comeback aside, I can almost credit the Amish man deliberately and unerringly selected the single most maddening thing he could say to this little punk and working it, and suspect it made the kid frantic with impotent rage.

Story #2:

Fifteen years ago, a high-school-era then-boyfriend of mine had gone to a friend’s (liberal Mennonite) church on a Saturday afternoon to play the piano for her while she rehearsed her solo for the next day. After they’d finished practicing, they walked outside to the parking lot to behold three Amish men doing “donuts” in a black van in the parking lot, and yelling “HEY BABY!!!!” at two Mennonite girls who were walking by.

Story #3:

Again about fifteen years ago, a friend of my then boyfriend’s was walking in the woods near her country house one afternoon when she heard… noises… in a clearing up ahead. She stepped into the clearing to find two Amish men and an Amish woman having an enthusiastic if not quite no-holds-barred threeway. The woman hadn’t quite managed to shed all her inhibitions because although, like the men, she was buck naked, she was still wearing her bonnet, its strings tied in a demure bow under her chin.
posted by Orange Swan 25 August | 10:01
she was buck naked, she was still wearing her bonnet, its strings tied in a demure bow under her chin.

Somewhere, above a fetish webmaster's head, a lightbulb just appeared.
posted by jonmc 25 August | 10:04
she was buck naked, she was still wearing her bonnet, its strings tied in a demure bow under her chin.

BEST story EVER!
posted by getoffmylawn 25 August | 12:08
That Rumspringa documentary from a few years ago, Devil's Playground>? Very much worth seeing.
posted by box 25 August | 12:10
I love your little vingettes, Orange Swan. I wonder if you have been published somewhere. . .your stuff is good enough.

Thanks for sharing.
posted by danf 25 August | 12:12
*gets sprung*
posted by pieisexactlythree 25 August | 12:16
Ah, nothing like a Friday afternoon reading Orange Swan stories. Happy happy!
posted by JanetLand 25 August | 12:45
Man, those are some great stories. And I put Devil's Playground on my netflix list.
posted by Specklet 25 August | 13:02
Rumspringa would be an awesome band name.
posted by Miko 25 August | 13:14
I like big bonnets and I cannot lie
you Mennonites can't deny...


-Baby Got Bonnet


also recommend Devil's Playground.
posted by Hellbient 25 August | 13:20
I took this picture on one of my visits to Southern Ohio. I thought it illustrated the dichotomy of the Amish/American ways of living.
≡ Click to see image ≡
posted by essexjan 25 August | 14:45
Geez.

They looked so . . . innnocent.

WTF do i know?
posted by jason's_planet 25 August | 19:46
Portland(OR) MetaChatters: || Pfhoto Pfriday ...

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