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26 July 2006

Tell me about internet dating please →[More:] It's been nearly two years since my last trainwreck of a long term relationship jumped off the rails and exploded, and I think I'm ready to go on that adventure again.

Since I never meet women in real life, or at least never meet ones that don't immediately slide me into the 'just friends' category, I tried internet dating, but it didn't really work out. So what does one have to do to make it work?
post by: cmonkey at: 10:55 | 43 comments
Everyone says it's a numbers game. You might have to meet a lot of people to ferret out a good one.

It's often recommended that you meet people right away after you've done a couple rounds of email and maybe one quick phone chat - that way you keep expectations sane and don't build up some impossible imagined person in your head, and if there's nothing there, you haven't invested a lot of time.

I've only dabbled in it just a bit, but the advice seems to be generally good.
posted by Miko 26 July | 11:02
If only I knew! Last time I did it I met some people who have since become social friends or, in one case, close friends, but no LTR. (And a few losers who I never saw again.)

Now when I look at it there's nobody my age, or the ones who are my age are people I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole.

I'm trying to just get out there and meet new people through non-dating activities, such as interest meetups. It's tough walking into a room where you don't know anybody, though, even for someone who's mostly an extrovert.
posted by matildaben 26 July | 11:05
cmonkey specific advice: I know you're pretty specific about what you want, so just come out there and don't pull any punches in your profile, show yourself and your needs as they really are. There's got to be someone out there who loves your particular combination of innocence and experience, openness and cynicism, sweetness and surliness. You might get fewer responses than if you painted a censored picture, but they'll probably be better fits for you.
posted by matildaben 26 July | 11:09
*has too many stories to tell*
posted by getoffmylawn 26 July | 11:11
What's the general protocol for replying to other people's ads? I know that a single line message of "hay baby what u doin tonite ;-)??" won't get very far, but what does work?

Is there an RFC for this?
posted by cmonkey 26 July | 11:13
Amusing anecdotes are more than welcome, getoffmylawn!
posted by cmonkey 26 July | 11:14
Why would anyone want to date the internet? It's power-hungry and tells bad jokes, and it might give you a virus.
posted by jonmc 26 July | 11:19
1) I tried it once. No-one replied to my profile. It was one of the most soul-destroying things I ever tried.

2) Amberglow knows. Make sure all photo's are approved by Amberglow.
posted by seanyboy 26 July | 11:19
The best thing to do in this situation, cmonkey, is just to chill.

Try to keep a semi-regular socializing schedule just to get back in the swing of things, but stay cool for the most part.

Also, the "just friends" category is not as bad as it seems. It's very underated.
Women who are your pals can really give you a pretty good insight on other women in their circle.

It's also best to just keep an eye out for the ones who like YOU. Know what I mean?
Trust me. In time they WILL show their faces in living color.

Now, I'm not saying that being pro-active is not the way to go in this case, but I'm saying that you'll get much better results just hangin' back in the "dugout". It gives you a chance to upgrade your "radar".

If this sounds too general, just shoot me an email and I'll explain in detail. Cool?

So, relax. There's only one direction from this point on and it's UP!
posted by Joe Famous 26 July | 11:29
Maybe it's just Englishmen, but on the UK dating sites, the men of my age (mid 40s) seem to fall into two categories.

1. Probably divorced or out of a LTR, they tell you nothing about who they are, but all about what they have, starting with the car, naturally, then job, house, boat, etc. Some even describe themselves as if they're a car "1962 model, low mileage, good bodywork, small spare tyre ..." - ugh! They never mention any qualities they might have. Frequently their photograph is a blurred crop from a group photo, and they're usually holding a drink and look drunk. Sometimes they'll even post their wedding day picture, with the bride cropped out.

These men are usually looking for something very particular - a 'girl' (never 'woman) aged between 18 and 30, or 35 at the very tops, blonde, slim-but-with-big-tits, who has no baggage such as children or pets.

2. The second group in the 40+ range is the guy with a combover, still lives with his mum, is probably still a virgin, tight as hell with money (carries one of those horrid little man-purse things for his change), has no interests listed and wants to meet a woman aged 40-70.

This isn't just my experience, many of my friends who've tried internet dating have reported the same thing. Maybe I was looking in the wrong places (I haven't tried it for a few years).
posted by essexjan 26 July | 11:57
Amusing anecdotes are more than welcome, getoffmylawn!

Uh, I think that'd my stories would be considered "over-shares".
posted by getoffmylawn 26 July | 11:58
*begs lawn for a vicarious dating life*
I'm on my freakin' knees here.
posted by danostuporstar 26 July | 12:04
Yeah, lawn, us dateless saddos have to experience our dating through the love-lives of others.
posted by essexjan 26 July | 12:14
cmonkey. . .I am just curious. . .have you tried the WW classifieds? Every time I look at it. . .well I am married so not going there but it always seems that there is a wide range of choices, er, people to meet and get to know.
posted by danf 26 July | 12:35
*admits adult friend finder addiction. that is all*
posted by getoffmylawn 26 July | 12:41
Here are the over-40 Seattle male stereotypes:

1) Lives in Wallingford, wears woven vests from Guatemala, has long hair with a huge bald spot, probably owns at least one African drum. Often a therapist, bodyworker, or into some kind of "spirituality".

2) More overweight than I'm comfortable with, works at Microsoft, full knowledge of Monty Python sketches and/or regular RenFaire attendee.

3) Burning Man hippie.

Please get them away from me.

Cmonkey - in answer to your "what to write" question - mention something specific from their profile and mention something about yourself that might relate to that. That makes it clear that you actually read their profile and you're not just spamming multiple women or just looking at their boobies.
posted by matildaben 26 July | 12:46
cmonkey, I dunno what to tell you. my (admittedly very limited) exposure to online dating traumatised me so badly that I swore never to do it ever, ever again. I seriously only recommend it for people who have very resilient personalities. Me, I take everything personally, so you can imagine how that went.

I'll refrain from posting any personal experience here, except to say my very own Worst. Date. Ever! was from an online response.

on review, everything that essexjan said. in spades.

I (personally) just pretty much gave up. Oh sure I get asked out, but so far they've all been in the 'they'll fuck me but won't date me' camp. Not. Interested. I've got a bunch of cool friends, and they keep me entertained, and that's good enough.
posted by lonefrontranger 26 July | 13:01
One of my friends found a long-term girlfriend and later his fiancee through them. But nobody else I know has gotten so much as a boyfriend. I am generally pessimistic about them.
posted by halonine 26 July | 13:01
Most social networks in the US have been shrinking over the last 20-30 years. It's known as bowling alone.

You meet people by having a large social network. Smaller social networks, meet less people. It's a real sociological phenomenon. One solution is to actively work at building social networks (e.g. meetups) but new networks suffer from high communication costs (hence the "meet lots" advice on internet dating) and can be killed by excessive freeloaders.

For years, I have done summer campfires in my backyard as a networking experiment. The group quickly maxed out at 30, stopped growing and had trouble with freeloaders.

One solution is to build networks of people who are interested in building networks. Of course, if that were easy, the bowling alone phenomenon wouldn't exist.
posted by warbaby 26 July | 13:10
Here's the original essay.
posted by warbaby 26 July | 13:13
I have had two BF's from AFF in the last year, plus offers of BF's which I turned down. I can also get male "companionship" from there at the drop of a hat. I have also made "friends" that I just email and chat with.

You have to learn how to manipulate and work their system, but if you are willing to put even the smallest amount of effort into your profile and post a GOOD FRIGGEN' PHOTO the sky can be the limit. However, that is vastly different between the male and female membership. Guys, really do not do as well women there. Adversely, there is quite a bit of BS to wade through. I get lots of emails and invites of men that I have no interest in, and my profile specifically says what I am looking for, but they try anyway - Uh, yeah fat, bald, overweight and married. Just what i'm looking for, sign me up. There are also the emails with out photos, - Uh, what's the point? AFF is all about physical attraction.

Ok, I couldkeep going and write a 47 page dissertation, but I am already past the overshare point.
posted by getoffmylawn 26 July | 13:15
My best friend and his fiancee met on Spring Street personals.
posted by matildaben 26 July | 13:27
I looked into internet dating sites once, but I swear to God, every male profile for my part of the world had a picture that looked like it was saying, "Zog want WO-MAN!!" So I never gave it a try.
posted by JanetLand 26 July | 13:41
If anybody's interested, I'd like to propose a profile swap, wherein we offer *constructive* edits to make eachothers' personals more persuasive. I know mine could probably use some editing. Any takers?

btw, where's dimitri? this thread's just begging for his presence!!!
posted by pieisexactlythree 26 July | 13:51
danf, I suppose that the Mercury classifieds would be best for my age group, but it costs money so I haven't tried. It also seems more oriented towards the type of person who takes angled photos for their MySpace, and I just don't understand those shenanigans.

The impression I'm getting is "shouldn't bother", so I guess I'll have to come up with another plan.

Pi - I'll edit your profile, or at least look it over for obvious spelling and grammar errors.
posted by cmonkey 26 July | 14:27
What are some of the better on-line dating sites? Any of the pay ones worth the cost of admission?
posted by porpoise 26 July | 14:36
I've never tried internet dating; however, I did meet the "man of my dreams" via the internet and we became engaged.

My only suggestion is to stay local as LDRs are a bitch.
posted by jinxiemalone 26 July | 14:50
Don't give out

- your last name
- your phone number
- your address
- your real email address or even a fake one that uses your own domain

till you're sure the person is sane. And by that I mean you've met them.
posted by dobbs 26 July | 15:09
c, it's piequalsthree on match. I think I still have one on nerve too, but nobody's responded to it in about a year, so I pretty much abandoned it.
posted by pieisexactlythree 26 July | 15:13
This whole situation is probably another example of the commodification of damn near everything, including social and political relationships.
posted by warbaby 26 July | 15:24
Don't give out

- your last name
- your phone number
- your address
- your real email address or even a fake one that uses your own domain

till you're sure the person is sane. And by that I mean you've met them.


This bears repeating... twice!

Don't give out

- your last name
- your phone number
- your address
- your real email address or even a fake one that uses your own domain

till you're sure the person is sane. And by that I mean you've met them.
posted by getoffmylawn 26 July | 15:25
Y'know, I'm not coming down for or against internet dating. A lot of people use it, and a lot of people have success with it. My good friend Rachel is marrying her Match man next month.

But I'm starting to think that it all comes down to the same old thing - kismet, good fortune, fate, or whatever you want to call it. There are many ways to put your wishes for companionship out into the universe, and this is one of them. Yeah, it might be the channel that starts receiving signals. Who knows? But sometimes the signal might beam out at you from the least obvious point of origin. Just being in the mental space for it, I think, is half the trick. I endorse what warbaby says - dating sites are a form of network, too, but there are so many networks that may work equally well. You just need to cultivate them. Only connect. It comes down to being open, participating in anything you enjoy, and being who you are, as much as possible, among others like yourself.
posted by Miko 26 July | 15:25
Looks good to me, pi!
posted by cmonkey 26 July | 15:55
This whole situation is probably another example of the commodification of damn near everything, including social and political relationships.

This may be true, but matchmakers have been around for a long time and accepted money or goods for their services.

We have made some advances. For example, women are no longer property in many countries.

Also, marriage was (as far as we can tell) considered an economic and pragmatic transaction for most of human history, and still is in many parts of the world.
posted by halonine 26 July | 15:57
Fools. Only by avoiding socializing entirely can you find your true inner hermit potential.
posted by weretable and the undead chairs 26 July | 16:22
I like OkCupid. It's free and seems to attract a cool, fun bunch. I've been on a few dates with people I've met there and they've been decent.

Alternately, there is always the meetup route. You're certainly of the MetaCrush-worthy sort. :)
posted by YouCanCallMeAl 26 July | 16:37
Aw, thanks YCCMA. Sadly, Portland meetup demographics are good for fun nights out, but not so good for the "hey hotstuff" action. But I'll look at OkCupid when I get home; I don't think I've seen it before.
posted by cmonkey 26 July | 17:19
Top 10 cities for singles.
posted by getoffmylawn 26 July | 17:24
YCCMA - OKCupid was precisely where I spotted all those "alternative over 40 Seattle stereotypes" that I described above. It's probably a lot better for 20somethings. I haven't even tried Match.com because I figured it would be too mainstream and full of those "look at my car" types.
posted by matildaben 26 July | 17:40
I've never tried internet dating, but I did meet my husband through the local newspaper personals. I met a lot of men that way, casually dated a few, but once he and I met, that was it. Seven years ago, yesterday.
posted by redvixen 26 July | 19:31
Had fairly good results from www.nerve.com and, with one exception (who ultimately led me to MetaFilter), lousy results from OKStupid.

If you are a guy looking for women, develop a very thick skin. It's good advice for pursuing women IRL but it's particularly relevant in 'net dating, for several reasons:

*Women have the advantage. If they post a halfway-decent picture, they're going to get flooded with responses. Some of those responses may be from people who (superficially, at least) suit them much more than you do. And a lot of those responses will be of the "HEY BABY" variety, which leads many women to be jaded or disgusted.

*Given the risks involved, many people become highly picky. They'll go through your profile, find the most innocuous comment and turn it into a red flag. It has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with their own insecurities and aversion to risk.

*Chemistry counts. Chemistry can't develop in e-mail. You could exchange a few flirty, fun e-mails and then, upon meeting in person, discover that the gut-level attraction just isn't there.

posted by jason's_planet 27 July | 10:56
Had fairly good results from www.nerve.com and, with one exception (who ultimately led me to MetaFilter), lousy results from OKStupid.

If you are a guy looking for women, develop a very thick skin. It's good advice for pursuing women IRL but it's particularly relevant in 'net dating, for several reasons:

*Women have the advantage. If they post a halfway-decent picture, they're going to get flooded with responses. Some of those responses may be from people who (superficially, at least) suit them much more than you do. And a lot of those responses will be of the "HEY BABY" variety, which leads many women to be jaded or disgusted.

*Given the risks involved, many people become highly picky. They'll go through your profile, find the most innocuous comment and turn it into a red flag. It has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with their own insecurities and aversion to risk.

*Chemistry counts. Chemistry can't develop in e-mail. You could exchange a few flirty, fun e-mails and then, upon meeting in person, discover that the gut-level attraction just isn't there.

posted by jason's_planet 27 July | 10:58
Well, I now have an OkCupid profile. Thank you all! Soon I will be living with my wife, three children, two cars and one small dog in a two story house in the suburbs.
posted by cmonkey 27 July | 15:37
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