When I was a lad it was:

1. Hose off daily
2. Lock up anything you don't want him to eat

Now it is just the second part, since I am capable of hosing myself off daily.

1. Provide with liberal quantities of beer, nicotine, loud music and kinky sex.
2. Do not anger.

Dear Samaritain:

Please keep rainbaby

1. Well hydrated. She requires coffee, diet soda and caffeine free diet soda, water, beer, wine, and occasional fancy drinks.

2. Do not over schedule or crowd her. Sometimes she likes to sit quietly and read or just be alone.

3. Provide with pet.

4. She is a woman, she has needs. Fulfill them.

5. Keep her well stocked in sugar free gum.

Bless you.

A wolfdog wants:

1. Generous quantities of food of all sorts, certainly including pie, which will be roughly equated with "love".
2. Occasional praise.
3. A lot of space to run and play, by himself or with you.
4. A comfortable, quiet place to curl up at the end of the day.

Be careful when introducing your wolfdog to new acquaintances; large groups of strangers may be intimidating or frightening, and may lead to growling, flattened ears, or in extreme cases soiled carpets.

Behavior and Temperament: Miko is a complex and interesting animal with abundant energy and curiousity. She will exhibit a wide range of moods, from thoughtful and musing to playful, wired and extroverted. Miko seldom becomes angry or vitriolic (except when indignant over some social ill such as the present Administration). Please follow through on promises and keep committments to your Miko, so she can develop trust in you. With proper care and feeding, you can build a bond with your Miko that will bring you a lifetime of pleasure, comfort, and enjoyment.

Native habitat: coastal plain. When removed from her natural environment, Miko can become depressed and irritable. Please ensure that she lives within a one-hour drive of salt water. Miko also requires abundant sunlight, and a few months of warm weather each year.

Shelter: Miko is highly adaptable and can survive in a tent, cabin, apartment, or house. She requires only that her structure have unique features, and not be cookie-cutter. Miko shares space well with others, but enjoys some private time as well as social time. Miko has a strong nesting instinct. Allow her to decorate her space with an array of found objects, newspaper clippings, postcards, and ephemera.

Handling: Your Miko will respond well to full immersion in your affections, purring comfortably when cuddled and enthusiastically accepting play invitations. Miko thrives on attention and enjoys notes, small surprises, frequent touching, and embarrassingly dramatic displays. But Miko also requires extensive interesting easy conversation that rambles over all available topics. Encourage her inquiries and her quest for understanding; be open to offering your thoughts, observations, memories, hopes, and dreams. If, on some off-chance, you catch your Miko in a prickly mood, sneak under her defenses by being absurdly silly.

Feeding: Food and drink are not merely sustenance to your Miko; they are an expression of all that is good and beautiful of this earthly life. Variety, freshness, sincere quality, and creativity are dietary requirements. Keep Miko supplied with all sorts of nuts, fresh vegetables and herbs, seafood, chocolate, jalepeno peppers, an assortment of oils and vinegars, microbrews, fresh-baked scones, nice wines, root beer floats, and anything else you can think of.

Routine: Miko strives for a balance between security and regularity and excitement and novelty. A comfortable, warm, cared-for, and supportive home is necessary, but your Miko will be happiest when you also incporate occasional excursions, parties, shows, feasts, and festivals.

When in good hands, Miko is confident and content and all anxieties fade. So the effect's very easily judged on how naturally she overcomes nervousness.

When properly looked after, your Miko will reward you with generous affection, bursting pride, and unfailing loyalty!

Heh. This was fun. Thanks for the creative writing break!

Congratulations on acquiring your new Doohickie. To ensure years of trouble-free use, please keep this unit well boinked.

That was fantastic, Miko.

They are all fantastic - good idea Wolfdog.

(I bet Miko has like a $600 adoption fee.)

Please give Wolfdog whatever he wants.

My nick comes from other peoples' confusion about my wolfy-looking-but-not-a-wolf Siberian - specifically, the random guy that walked up to me asking "Heeggghh, where'd'ja git thet one-aaaaaahed woofdog?" The only biting I do is my own tongue when people spontaneously share their idiot stories of raising wolves and wolf-hybrids.

To assure years of continuing pleasure, please provide:

1. Morning coffee (cream, no sugar)
2. TV, books, and laptop with wireless
3. Three pillows on comfy bed
4. Frequent 'nuggles and nose kisses
5. The occasional hot air balloon ride

(and bran, for my apparent IBS)

I want a Miko!

You got one, MeChaChica!

"Swims well, requires regular affection, feeding, and hot swan sex. Fun as sea monkeys, only with a longer life expectancy."

Important: For best results, keep your mudpuppie primed with beer.

Caution: Do not use during an electrical storm.

mudpuppies don't take batteries?

So You Bought a Halonine!

Your new companion will be most enjoyable with occasional maintenance. Please note that your halonine:

1. Takes her tea black with no sugar, but takes her coffee with lots of cream and sugar.
2. Enjoys a stable, high-bandwidth Internet connection.
3. Enjoys a trip to Disneyland once a year.
4. Please supply with a library card at all times.
5. Please entertain with movies, concerts, hikes, brunches, trips to the museum and the beach, and high tea.

Occasionally your halonine will come up with a harebrained idea. Humor her for a few weeks. If she has not realized her error within 30 days, please break the news to her gently.

LIFETIME GUARANTEE

Wait, so Wolfdog isn't a furry?

How to Care for your Very Own Sasshat

Having a pet Sasshat can be a great joy, but also a great responsibility. Follow these care instructions carefully and you will enjoy a long happy lifetime with your Sass.

-It has been said that Sass is part otter, due to her love of swimming and her need to live near a large body of water. She will swim in oceans, rivers, lakes and swimming pools, it doesn't matter. If she doesn't have easy access to water, you may discover your Sass soaking in a cold bath for up to an hour a day, especially when it's hot outside.

-Sass enjoys many things which aren't good for her, such as cigarettes, huge amounts of caffeine, candy, and any dish that incorporates cheese or sour cream. She will usually enjoy these indulgences in moderation on her own, and if she doesn't, keep your comments to yourself. Which brings us to the next lesson...

-Do not fuck with the Sass. Seriously. She can go from sweet and silly to bitch on wheels in seconds. Taking her cigarettes away, or doing something incredibly annoying to her will result in bad things.

-If you've pissed off your Sass, you will be able to tell by her unpleasant demeanor and her penchant for locking herself in her room listening to rap. Leave her alone. She will get over it faster if you do this.

-Sometimes Sass may get overexcited or "hyper" and want to run around outside while it's raining, or tear the kitchen apart cooking some strange experimental dish. Embrace these moments - grab a camera - accept it.

-Don't even consider getting a Sass if you are: a dick, anal retentive, really politically conservative, scary religious, a complete moron, superficial, or generally sucky.

-Sass may bite you, but fear not, this is a good sign. If Sass didn't like you, she would just clock you one and then run away from home.

OS, I'm going to try really hard to work "Hot Swan Sex" into my daily vocabulary. That was awesome!

"Hot Swan Sex"
Sounds vaugly like some lyrics I heard from a song I have on a CMJ music sampler cd called something like: Gay Karate.
Lyrics go something like this: I was at a party and they started doing that gay karate and before too long I found myself in a postion called the swan..."

mudpuppies don't take batteries?

We run on gravity, baby. Pure gravity.

Care and Feeding of a RedVixen

Please note: redvixen has a voracious appetite for various necessities including but not limited to: amourous interactions, books, swimming, intellectual interactions, canoodling, and outdoor activities.

Your redvixen loves human contact, good food, and lots of laughter. She is quite adaptable to many situations, and will "go with the flow" of her surroundings. She can hold grudges, and her memory is long, so care is necessary in this area. There will be hormonal moments where lots of space is advised, for your protection. While never tamed fully, a content redvixen will astonish you with her loyalty and devotion, and be your companion for years to come.

You've just unwrapped your Very Own LT(tm)! Here are a few tips to make sure you have a lifetime of enjoyment with your new pal!:

Your Very Own LT(tm)comes fully equipped with the new Labradoria Feature, which means he enjoys frequent walks, lots of play time, and plenty of affection. LT is very friendly and outgoing, and plays well with others. Your LT with Labradoria comes with a big, lolling tongue and a silly grin.

In addition, your LT will learn new tricks with ease, and is comfortable with changes in routine, provided they keep him in close contact with you throughout the day. He enjoys a varied diet, with plenty of fresh foods available. He's a bit of a counter-surfer, though, but can be trained to assist in the preparation of his meals.

Above all, your LT is loyal to a fault, forming a deep and lasting bond with his caregiver that he will depend on and nourish well into his advanced years.

We hope you enjoy your LT, and should you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to call us at 1-800-MY LT for further assistance.